Fat..

I will not have any good pictures with my kid.. Every single picture is me looking like a stranded whale..
My wedding pictures being fucked up cause I am so fat is one thing.. Me not having one single good photo with my newborn son is just too much...

I hate my self for being so fat.. I really hate me...

Sometimes I just wish I was someone else.. Not another fat stranded whale...


*sigh*

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas everyone!
In the nordics the Christmas dinner and everything happenes on the 24th so we have already had our wonderful day.

I hope everyone has a great day :)


<3

New Year's resolution!

I guess it is that time of the year where we rethink our ways and plan our new year. Looking back at 2012 I have had a hard but wonderful year.. I am greatful for my lovely husband and our life together. I am thankful for our healthy, happy, amazing little boy. I am also amazed over how being pregnant has changed the way I think of food and eating. So all in all it's been a good year!

I do want to change some things in 2013.. Things have been good but they can be better. I have the whole year off work which means even with the baby and everything that comes along with it I should be able to take the time to make those changes.

So in 2013 I will:

• Reach a healthy BMI
• Exercise 3 times a week (along with all the moving and walking that comes with having a baby)
• Practice portion control
• Take better care of my body and the way I look - no stay home mommy look for me! 
• Do the reboot 
• Restart and finish the C25k

I have always made really long lists of newyear's resolution and I have never ever managed to stick to them.. But this is doable, isn't it?

50 shades of..

WTF??
So I decided to read the book everyone is talking about.. And I must admit I am disappointed over how bad it was.. It all being about sex is one thing.. But the ending was really wtf...

Meh... I need to start reading some better books.. I still have "end of overeating" and "why we get fat" to finish but I wanted to read sometihng that wasn't weight related and 50 shades of grey sucked!

Struggle...

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know about my issues with my mother, and you might also remember that every single time I talk to her I end up in pretty deep depression for some days..

My mother came to visit us last week.. She hadn't seen her grandson so she came for 4 days. She decided she wanted to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us.. I think all in all she spent a whole day with us and she had very little time with my son. Of course she made sure that I tok a picture of her and the kid to post on facebook because thats how she is.. She needs to prove to others that she is a good mother - in this case grandmother.. But I know - and my husband knows how much time she actually spent with us.. I know this sounds pretty bad - but atleast she bought some more cloths for the kid and well that is the best we get out of her.

I have learned that I shouldn't expect much from her - but she has been going on and on about how much she loves her grandson ( She never said she loves me, remember?? ) so I thought she would be different.. She nagged a whole lot about why the kid was "always sleeping".. I mean come on.. Wtf did you think?? The baby was 3 weeks old when she was here.. All they do the first couple of months is to eat, sleep, poo! - she was so disappointed that he wasn't awake playing with her..

Srsly mother?? How could you have 3 kids and don't know this?? But then again.. She never really was a mother to me.. So it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't know.. Or remembered..

And then.. The last day.. Before she was leaving she managed to say "You know, I know married your step dad because you kept calling him for daddy when I was just dating him".. Thank you fucking much mum.. First she tells me she wishes she got rid of me when I was being born, and how she regrets that she didn't cause then her life would be different..

Now she tells me that it is my fault that she married that basterd.. She knows that this is the guy who raped me as a kid.. She knows this is the guy I hate with every inch of my body and soul.. And she fucking blames this on me?? - I was fucking 3-4 years old.. I didn't know better, did I??? *sigh*

I just give up... I am going to keep up the act, and keep having this fake relationship where I smile and nod and talk to her on the phone from time to time and see her maybe what.. 2-3 times a year.. But I need to remember that she is no mother to me.. She doesn't understand.. She doesn't deserve me.. Or my baby.. Or my family... She just doesn't..

I have been trying to get over that comment ever since she went home.. But I struggle.. I have been having flash backs and bad dreams about my step dad ever since and last night I sort of just broke down.. I was feeding my son and my husband was sitting next to me.. And I looked down at my baby boy - seeing how he is depended on me, feeling the love I have for him - and I couldn't stop my tears.. I told my hubby "I think I need a shrink".. And you know what.. For the first time, I really think I need it.. Not that I think it will help.. But I dunno...

So here I am ... As always... But I will get over it as I always do... I have my own family now, and we are filled with love and joy.. I just need to hang on to this feeling.. Isn't he amazing?? This is from a week ago <3

Super size me!

Has anyone seen the documentary super size me? I am watching it as I write and I am halfway the doc. and it is insane.. If you haven't watched it - do so.. It will put you off Mcd's forever and ever... I have always loved McNuggets but who the fuck knew it is all just goo?? I mean.. YUCK!!!! Have a look here,, I feel sick... Anywho..

I have been thinking more and more about my weight.. Food and everything.. And again.. Every single time I think about it I just get back to the same thing.. My "diet" when I restart my weight-loss journey again it needs to be simple.. It needs to be everyday food and it needs to be something I don't need to stress about.. I have been visiting Myfitnesspal and have startet counting my cals and by the time I am done with my breakfast numbers I feel so stressed about it all.. The numbers take over and I feel my mind going to my "safe" foods and I start panicking.. I will not be counting.. I will not go back to that place where my mind is all about "what should I eat" .. Thinking about food.. The yes/no foods.. The panicking over my next meal.. And lets not forget the cravings you get when you think about food all the time..

So I have been thinking about where I normally go wrong..

1. I skip meals
2. I overeat later in the day since I skip meals
3. I eat the same food over and over until I am sick of it and then binge on the "no" foods
4. I deprive my self and save my calories so I can have the "bad" foods within my calorie budget
5. My diet is too strict and I fail after a couple of days since my goals are unreal
6. I eat too much of the "bad" carbs

What I know I need to do is:

1. Never skip a meal
2. Getting my carbs from fruit and veg instead of bread and rice
3. Eat smaller more frequent meals

So that is just what I am going to do. And I think it will be much better than anything else I have ever done. Well I guess we will have to see how it goes - but I think it will be fine. I mean I already eat very different than what I used to before I got pregnant.. I just need to keep reminding my self of what I have done during my pregnancy.. Food is fuel.. It is there to heal my body.. I will eat until I am full and I will stop when I am cause I know I can eat again later if I get hungry again.

Oh and.. I am down 26lbs since the baby was born on the 23rd... 4 more pounds and I will reach my first weigh goal :) I never ever thought I would reach any goals during this year.. So I am very pleased with the results.


<3

Dear Josie :)

Here are the answers to your Liebster questions :)


1. Why did you start your blog?
I came across the blog "dying to be thin" and I really was surprised over the support she got - and I started the blog to try to reach my goals and hopefully get some understanding for my issues.. Not many in my "real" life know/knew about my issues and I often felt like no one would understand.

2. Does anyone in your "real" life know about or read your blog?
My husband knows about the blog, but he keeps this one be my own private blog. He knows I will talk to him when it matters and that here I get a different kind of support. He also knows that he will never understand me the same way some of you ladies do. I also have a friend who knows about this blog - but I doubt she reads it.

3. If you could make one food your magical food that has no calories and no baring to your weight what would it be?
Burgers and fries! ... Like good huge yummy fatty burgers like the 1600 calorie jack daniels burger from TGIFridays..

4. Are you invovled in any type of treatment? Are you on any type of drug therapy?
No.. I did get some therapy in Norway for my issues with my mother - and in the start of my pregnancy I was sent to a shrink for my food issues but I only went to her once cause she was horrid. The only drugs I have been/ am on are painkillers for my fibromyalgia.

5. Looking back at your life when do you notice the begining of your disordered eating?
When I was really young.. Like around 5-6, my step dad used to force me to eat up my food or would take away my meals as punishment.. When I was around 10 (thats when the sexual abuse started) he used to undress me and tell me how much my body looked my mothers and I remember how much I hated it.
I wanted to be so fat that he would get sick of me and never touch me.. The little I knew that he would like the extra "meat".. So yeah.. My weird relationship with food started pretty early mostlty thanks to my "lovely" step dad..

6. What is your favorite way to waste time?
Well it sort of depends on my mood.. I can spend hours shopping.. Doesn't need to be cloths or shoes or anything.. I can hang around in a bookstore finding new titles I want to read..
I also love watching romantic comedies/ tv shows- diet shows ect.. I enjoy reading - when I first start reading I have a hard time putting down the books :)
I used to spend a whole lot of time playing wow - but that is a good while ago now.. Lets not forget that I love reading blogs while listening to music.

7. What activity do you hate doing; dishes, cooking, commuting, making phone calls, keeping on top of your finances?
Ooh hard one.. Not really sure.. I guess I love cooking but I HATE prepping the veggies/meat.. I get confused (read scared) grocery shopping if I don't make a list and take it with me.. I hate losing control - does it count?

8. Looking back at your life is there anything you wish you did more of?
Hmm.. More dancing!

9. If you won a contest that allowed you to build your dream house what would you want and where?
I have always wished for my own place in London, but if I was to be practical and think about my family I would build the house here.
I would want a big house - where the first floor would have the kitchen (I want a big one with an island in the middle of it) , dining room, living room and a libery/guest room and guest bathroom and laundry room.
The basement would be a huge family room with huge couches and a big big tv with proper sound system for movie nights and it would also have a pool table..
The upper level would have the master bedroom with an ensuite - and two bedrooms with a family bathroom in between them for the kids.. And lets not forget about the HUGE walkin closet ^^
I also want a mid sized backyard with a nice deck :) Ooh and ofc garage with room for two cars and some storage space.

10. Do you have a target weight? What do you think will be different in your life if/when you are at your target weight?
I have put my goal to 128 lbs - but my ugw is 118-120 lbs. I think the only thing that would be different is how I would feel in my own skin. (at least that is what I hope)