:(

I was feeling all well this morning and then I got to work and our morning meeting.

We are going to have this after-work gathering with 2 other deps - and I had said that I could stay over after work for a little while.

So today we got this email where they had put a small picture of everyone that had said they will come - and made a "get your coworks to come" mail out of it.. So during the meeting the subject of the party was brought up - and then one of the guys says "there is a girl in the picture and I have no idea who that is" - so the phone with the mail and the pic was passed to couple more and they were all "oh I have no idea who that is" - so I was like "let me see" .. And guess what... The picture was me...

And then they are like "No it's not you- you don't look like that" ... 


The picture is like 7 years old and someone took it from my facebook page- but still that is what I look like.. I  am the same me - with darker hair and less make up..

But wtf.. No one could see that is was me??

And I know.. Boys will be boys.. Working in a team with 11 other guys means I have to deal with a whole lot of stupid manly comments- but I mostly just ignore it and put it in the "stupid boys file" ... But this really really hurt me.. And I am really upset cause I do not understand why I am letting this get to me so much..

Is is cause I weighted less there and now I don't? - or cause they think I looked much better there... I mean who gives a fuck about what they think right?? *sigh*

I feel really bad now..


Anywho.. I'm gonna be off for now.

<3

Taaadaaaa..

Hear hear...

I just have my first binge free weekend in YEARS..... Yup.. You heard it! I had one unplanned meal- but it was a meal- and no binge.. 

I have my official weigh in on Wednesday.. But the scales was 1.5 kgs down yesterday.. 

I want to give a huge thanks to Miranda.. Honey that last comment of yours really got to me. I could almost hear you shouting at me hehe- "get though with your self".. Thanks <3 

It's like.. I know I need to - I never care enough to "get though on my self" ... But I will :) Actually I am! ... I am going to keep this trend going :) 

What else... 

Oh ya.. We bought an apple tv thingi.. hehehe.. I am ttly inlove with it.. We were at this shop to have a look at the fridge/freezer options for the new place - and there it was.. Played some with it yesterday and I heart it hehe.. So if you have a hubby/BF/GF who loves gadgets and owns a mac/iphone/ipad - this is THE give away christmas gift ^^ 

The other thing I bought there was an air popper.. I have been looking for one for AGES.. But they are not common in Scandinavia - so I couldn't find it. I LOVE popcorn- and I have been avoiding it cause even the ones you make in the microwave can be so fatty.. So now I can pop my own fat free popcorn ^^ 

I feel much better girls- thanks for all your concern. I have been having lot more sleep (aka more than 4-5 hours per night) and I feel more relaxed. 

I have also bought a whole bunch of weight watchers frozen meals that I have been eating for my dinners along with some green salad for dinner and it has really been helping me control my intake. I was really surprised over how tasty and low cal they are. I will most likely replace all my dinners (ex from couple of family dinners) with it. I manage to control my intake well during the days- it is weekend and night time I have a huge issue with- but these meals are really helping me cope with the dinner time binge cravings. 

I noticed that I managed to stay under 1000 cals on Friday (that's when I started with those meals) and around 1200-1300 in the weekends. (My weekends munch tend to be way over 2k so this really is a win).. And that is how I plan to keep going.

I'm gonna put up a page for weigh in Wednesday (again) and update it once a week. I know I wont be able to skip the scale - and stay off it. But Wednesdays are going to be the official weigh in day.

Anywho :)


We are taking over the flat on Friday and I am going to take a whole bunch of before pictures. The guys we hired to do the kitchen/floors are starting on Saturday. They are going to just pull out everything - and they will take it out on Monday, and then start putting down the new wood floors in the hallway and the kitchen.

The bathroom guys will start on Monday (that should be done in 2-3 weeks). Yaay for that!

OMG I just noticed - there is like 4 weeks left till we are moving- maybe I should start packing around already so we can toss whatever we don't need.

We still have no painters though- so we should figure that out soon. Oh and they will deliver the kitchen cabinets around week 45- and they are going to start on it from week 46 ( aka mid November ) and it takes 3-4 weeks to be done.

There is one thing we aren't sure about. and that is what we are going to do with the closet in the hallway. I mean we have the walk in closet in the end of the hallway- and we are going to have a wardrobe in the bedroom. The one that I am talking about is in the "original" shape- and it has two long doors and two small ones on the top. I was thinking maybe we can use one side (there is a wooden wall in the middle) as storage for the cleaning stuff - and the other side to hang winter jackets and just paint the doors to match the rest of the walls in the hallway.  OR should we just empty it - and remove it and put it a new one with those doors you can shove to the sides.. Ermm - like this.

But then sort of built inn the wall- if you know what I mean.... I guess it means yet another expense and I am not sure if we can have it with everything going on.. So we will see.. It would be cool though hehe


Over to something else.. I am so sick of the gastro guy.. He really makes me ill... Like I feel like I am going to vomit just being close to him.. I don't talk much to him anymore -but I still have to since he still works in the same company. And I just had a case where I needed to check some facts with him.. So I sat there talking to him for couple of mins.. It was maybe less than that even.. Now it feels like my legs and everything are itchy.. like ugg... Wtf... And the smell.. OMG.. The fucking smell... I do not understand how ppl that sit around him don't vomit.. It is horrid..

And I must say.. He is just waste of tax money.. Our taxes pay for his surgery and recovery and the fucktard is still stuffing his face.. How is it even possible.. Every single documentary I have seen about this say that you just can NOT eat solid food for months after it.. How the fuck does he manage to eat so much? He is ALWAYS eating.. Everytime I pass him he has food or juice in his hand.. There is always candy/salted nuts around his keyboard (another yuck factor) ... He brings food from home - AND gets takeaways every freaking lunch.. How does he get it down??

Ugg.. Enough about it.. I need to use to anti bac on my legs or something.. Cause I still feel itchy and ugg ... and its like 15 mins ago I was there...

I never thought I could dislike a person so much just cause who/what they are.. But I guess it is possible..


Anyways.. I am going to be off for now..

Dreading this meeting I have in less than an hour... So wish me luck....


<3

Bad night = good morning - new motivation

I had a really bad night after my horrid day yesterday.. I went home and did a whole lot of cooking (that is my way to relax) - so now hubby has a bunch of proper and healthy food for his lunches at work.. Then I watched princess and the frog (Cartoons always get me in a better mood) - and I felt much better. Then we hit the sack - talked and was ready to go to sleep... I am pretty good dealing with my pains- but yesterday was kind of bad- and by the time the lights were off- and I was trying to get some sleep.. I just got more and more frustrated.
My right knee was aching really bad- I could chew off my arms to get rid of the pain.. And then in the middle of the night. I started crying.. I cried- and cried and cried.. I think I was crying for an hour or so...
I cried cause I was in pain.. Not only on the outside- but also the inside.. I was hurting cause I know the my knee hurting like this is most likely cause of my weight. I know that if I get lighter- It will be so much easier on my joints.. I cried cause I have let it go this far- cause I keep disappointing my self.
Cause this year is almost over - and yet again I have not lost any weight.. I managed to get my self 14 lbs heavier than I had every been before. But that is that.. I think I have given my self way too many chances to fuck up.. I have given my self way too many excuses.
I am done planning and failing cause I just talk.. From today I will just do... I will practice self control. And I make the right choices. It is not like I do not know HOW to do this shit.. I just never do it..
I know I said this before - but this time I mean it.. I am not gonna go into details of what I am going to do - I just know I am going to count everything and stop at the bite that is my limit.

There is one thing I can promise though.. I am done disappointing my self..

<3

PS: @ Miranda: His family lives here.. His grandparents going to be living like 2 mins walk away from our new flat.. But you are right.. I am going to stop letting them stress me - and stand up for us.. Thanks :) <3

Getting fatter and fatter..

Ladies.. I am right back at my fattest weight ever.. Almost- not far off.. 

And I know exactly why.. Cause I have been eating out- and like a pig the last few days.. Probably the last week.. Who counts anymore.. *sigh* 

I am in a very bad place.. I feel pressure from everyone... My BFF is acting- what ever she is.. She is bitching me for not being able to take the trip to Oslo this weekend. We were going to- but then she said "you better come early- else you wont even be able to attend the bday (it's her sons birthday).. I mean wtf is that?? It would either be 6 hours drive each way for us- or a very overpriced flight. I was OK with taking the drive - but we wouldn't be able to go after work (then we wouldn't arrive before like 2am) -- So we could start driving early Saturday- but that was apparently not good enough.. 

So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Pay an extra 2k USD to take a round trip where I wouldn't even have a whole day there- with all the extra things we have going on now? 

And then she pulls the "you would if you had your prio's right" .. OMG.. When she met her now husband- we were living in the same city and I didn't see her for like 6 months.. And even then he was ALWAYS there.. 

We couldn't even go underwear shopping with him not being there. 

I live in another country and haven't had a weekend off for months and she tells me I need to rethink my prio's? 

And then there is my mum- and hubbys mum that are already arguing with us about fucking Christmas.. 

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that we are almost 30 years old- have our own home- and our planning to start our own traditions and will do what the fuck we want then?? 

We aren't saying that we are not going there - only that we will go there the day after Christmas eve.. Buuuuttt noooooo.. That is a fucking drama now.. 

Or my mum.. She doesn't understand why we will not spend every year over there??.. OMG.. Why can not she understand that every fucking time- I am in her fucking house I hit a "I wanna die" depression level.. ?? Why can not she understand that I can not just forget every fucking thing that has happened to me in that house?? And that I HATE IT there.. I have forgiven her- but I have not forgotten.. 

I am srsly gonna flip on both of them - if they soon don't shut the fuck up about this shit.. It's like they aren't even thinking about why there is a holiday called Christmas. Last year- hubby's family had a good lough when they heard I go to church for Christmas.. I mean who does that?? Why is it so funny? 

Only cause they don't care - it doesn't mean they have the right to act that way. Ugg.. I am so sick of them all.. 

And then there is work.. We have been having a bunch of issues lately :S Which means my phone has been buzzing none stop.. and my email box is exploding... *Sigh*.. 

And we have had viewing of the flat EVERYDAY... This one guy who was really liked the place- kept wanting to see it again- with new family members.... So everything has been tucked away for days... And ya we finally sold it- the first part of the deal is done (We signed the papers around 8 PM yesterday) - but he wants to have yet another viewing of the place - with his GF this time.. Which will be this Sunday.. 

And now hubby's mum is making a fucking drama over why we can not attend a brunch on Sunday which she just decided to have last night.. WTF... 

On the bright side the flat is sold.. but ya.. Didn't get to chill about it with her fucking drama... 

And then I went on the scale and I am miss Fatty le Pig.. Which is.. I dunno... Another fuck moment.. 

Anyways girlies.. I got a whole lot to do at work today.. And I am going to stop the "fuck" - post .. 

I know "this too shall past" .. I just have to learn to deal... 

<3

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.” - Robert Collier

This weekend has been such a mess..

I had the biggest fight I have had with hubby since we got married.. It was so bad girls.. It was to a "I hate you and I knew I shouldn't have married you *tossing the ring in his face*" sort of bad.. We are OK now.. And the worst part is.. It wasn't even his fault.. I have no idea what's up with my temper lately. It's been bad. I have been pretty much on the edge and so emo.. I started crying over nothing several times yesterday. And that is so not normal for me.

Ok so I have always had sort of a bad temper- but it take a whole lot to make me explode like I did on Saturday.. And crying over nothing.. Like.. I started crying over that bird not being able to fly on "Rio" .. Wth lol...

It might have something to do with my eats.. Too much or too little of it.. Ah well that's what I think.. Not sure.. But what else could it be??

Anyways.. I have minor changes to the plan- I'm upping my intake.. There are several reasons to why I am doing this.. First of all- I binge.. Almost every single night.. I do good during the day- and then I binge cause I am really hungry... I need to eat more during the day so I don't binge at night.. And since I have not been purging for ages - that means a gain.. I am not going back to the binge/purge circle- so I have to get a hold of the binges.. And I think upping the intake is a good solution.

The other reason for it is cause I have been so worried about what will happen when I get pregnant.. And how I will emotionally react to it. And how the "none dieting" will effect my body. Will it sett me up for a huge binge session? ... So ya.. I don't want that to happen, and I think having a higher intake- will ease the shock on the body and it will ease it all.

I am also going to change how I think of exercising. At the moment I just say "fuck it", if I don't get to exercise on my exercise nights.. Now my goal is 3 exercise sessions.. Don't care if they are tree days in a row- or what ever.. I just want to do it 3 sessions of it.

I remember this friend of mine going to the gym Monday to Tuesday to get her 3 days out of the day. Then she could relax and do other things. I never understood her "reason" but I am understanding that more and more now. I am not a hardcore gym person ,so I am in no desperate need of rest days.. As long as I exercise, I will be happy.

I also want to say this again.. (I probably have before) but ya.. I love you guys for being always there- and always supporting..

<3

Gonna end this wall of text with this picture on saw on my tumblr dashboard..

Family..

I really don't always think ones family can be their blessing. Sometimes- I wish I could just "undo" mine..

Ah well.. I can not wait until hubby and I have our own family.. Our own rules.. Our own traditions... And I tell you this one thing..

I will never ever become like my mum... EVER!!!!

Rant..

I was sort of frustrated this morning. I got on the scale.. Yes yes I know I shouldn't have.. And it was a 0.3 kg gain. Now I know that it could be cause I haven't had a proper BM the last couple days, or even water weight, but I felt so down and the first thing that crossed my mind was, hunger hurts but starving works.. But I mean for me it doesn't.. For me it's more, hunger hurts and then you binge heh.. But now I have had time to pull back and cool my mind off.. And I am not going to be too sad about it.

But I am cutting down more carbs- I had planned 3-4 slices of dark bread a day- that is down to 1. And I am going to cut down on the dinner carbs too. Keeping it to only veggie and protein.

I don't want to cut out fruits, that really messes up my body- I eat one/two serving of fruit a day and I really don't want to stop with that. And I guess I will wait and see what the scale says on Monday morning. I mean I have been doing ttly sucky for years- I guess I shouldn't get too much ahead of my self.

Ah well :)

Gotta work..


<3