So I guess this will most likely be my last post in 2014. I know I have been a sucky blogger and been MIA most of this year, but I still find my self very lucky to have some of the most amazing readers <3
2014 has been a rough year for me. 2013 and most of 2014 have been filled with really unstable mood-swings and loads of depression. I am however really glad to say that I feel much better. I still have days where I just don't want to get out of bed, talk or even breath but those days are coming further and further apart.
I still am seeing my therapist, however we haven't been able to have sessions as often as I wish we had, but she is still there. Our next "project" is to prep me for birth of my new son this March, and hopefully try to prevent, or catch yet another PP depression in time and get on with treatment asap. They say when you have had it once, you are most likely to have it again, and for someone with my background the chances of it happening are pretty high. This time around I am lucky to have her on my side so I know I will not have to go through it alone until I crash.
This pregnancy has also been really hard, I am now into my 27th week of pregnancy and I still get sick. I have been coughing really bad for almost 5 weeks now, and it just doesn't seem to go away. The doctor says it is just a virus and there is nothing to do about it..
This year (a month or so ago) I was also verbally attacked and a victim of "random" racism.. It's not often I feel like a foreigner even though I live in Sweden but am Persian and raised in Norway.. But when something like that happens it really hits you right in the face - making you question if you made the right choice of living where you live. I know idiots are everywhere, and something like that could happen everywhere, but it is hard to just keep a "c'est la vie" attitude and not let if affect you.
We have also moved to a new place this year, we are still not really in place, still have no curtains, pictures ect up, but my son seems to love it here, so I am trying my best to stay positive, and just take it as it comes.
This Christmas is also going to be "special" since my mother and my middle sister are going to spend it here with us. I told my mother they could spend it here, but I know for a fact that it will be really rough. My sister is the definition of drama queen, one who always makes everything about her self, who has never really done anything to show that she cares about me but saying the words. She is also a liar (I am not sure if she means to be, but she is), and always tries to manipulate people around her. She has yet to meet my son, and she is already talking about meeting some random people she met, who she has spoken to once, while she is here. It really hurts me, that my son is 2 years old when she gets to meet him, which btw also has been her choice, and still she makes it clear that we are not the main reason why she is coming to visit us. And my mother.. Well she is who she is, you have all read the stories about her, and she doesn't really change. She says so many stupid things without being aware of how horrible they actually are.. So yeah..
I guess I just have to bite through the days there are here, and remember that it will most likely be years before we see my sister again, and months before we see my mother. I really don't understand why I just don't say "No you can not come" when I don't really want them here, and the only reason I say they can come is because I don't want to hurt them..
Anywho..
I am looking forward to 2015, and I aim to make it a great year for us. Are you happy with how 2014 has been?
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
2014/12/04
2014/10/03
It's so important to remember who your family is..
Family is NOT the one you are labeled with..
Family is the ones who are loyal to you.. Who actually bother to wonder how you are, regardless of how much their own life sucks..
Family is not the people who keep pushing you into giving, and giving but who never give anything back.. The ones who are just full of words and never act anything close to the words they speak..
My family is my son.. My husband.. My soon to come baby..
My family is the friend who has a kid in hospital but still tries to sooth me when I worry...
My family is my husbands grandmother who pulls me aside and tells me not to worry, cause when it's time for me to go to labor she will be there to make sure my son is taken care of - canceling her vacations just to not miss it..
So fuck the ones who are forcing words like "sister" on you.. Fuck them..
Family is NOT the one you are labeled with..
Family is the ones who are loyal to you.. Who actually bother to wonder how you are, regardless of how much their own life sucks..
Family is not the people who keep pushing you into giving, and giving but who never give anything back.. The ones who are just full of words and never act anything close to the words they speak..
My family is my son.. My husband.. My soon to come baby..
My family is the friend who has a kid in hospital but still tries to sooth me when I worry...
My family is my husbands grandmother who pulls me aside and tells me not to worry, cause when it's time for me to go to labor she will be there to make sure my son is taken care of - canceling her vacations just to not miss it..
So fuck the ones who are forcing words like "sister" on you.. Fuck them..
2013/08/06
What a week...
This week has had a whole lot of ups and downs.. More downs than up I'm afraid..
As much as I was annoyed with my family being here I was glad my mum was here - cause couple of days ago my uncle who lives in Dubai (The one who walked me down the isle, which my mother doesn't normaly get along with), texted me that their older brother had died.
I want to start with saying that my mum has 3 brothers, one couple of years older than her, one couple of years younger than her, and the youngest one which is 3 years older than me. My oldest uncle he was a very very kind man. Always so loving, thinking and wanting the best for others.. And life being what it is (Specially for those living in Iran now) he ended up involved in drugs years ago, and eventhough our family has tried to get him to rehab times and times again, he never got sober.
My grandma and them are saying what happened to him was an accident (they say he fell off a bridge), but I am pretty sure he commited suicide.. He got 55 years old.. He has two kids in their mid/late teens.. The fall broke his spine, they say that he had a day in surgary, and the result was him being paralized from waist down.. A week later he died...
As much as this is breaking my heart, I think he is in a better place now. He hadn't been living for years.. He just was there.. And this horrible situation, has brought my mothers family together. I'm glad she was here when I gave her the news, cause else I don't know how she would handle it.
It really makes one think... Life can be over before you know it..
Thank you all for always being there for me.. I have said it before, I say it again... Some of you mean the world to me even though I don't know you in "real life"...
I will be back tomorrow with another post, numbers ect.. For now.. Just remember life is short.. Do something that makes you happy.. Really happy....
<3
As much as I was annoyed with my family being here I was glad my mum was here - cause couple of days ago my uncle who lives in Dubai (The one who walked me down the isle, which my mother doesn't normaly get along with), texted me that their older brother had died.
I want to start with saying that my mum has 3 brothers, one couple of years older than her, one couple of years younger than her, and the youngest one which is 3 years older than me. My oldest uncle he was a very very kind man. Always so loving, thinking and wanting the best for others.. And life being what it is (Specially for those living in Iran now) he ended up involved in drugs years ago, and eventhough our family has tried to get him to rehab times and times again, he never got sober.
My grandma and them are saying what happened to him was an accident (they say he fell off a bridge), but I am pretty sure he commited suicide.. He got 55 years old.. He has two kids in their mid/late teens.. The fall broke his spine, they say that he had a day in surgary, and the result was him being paralized from waist down.. A week later he died...
As much as this is breaking my heart, I think he is in a better place now. He hadn't been living for years.. He just was there.. And this horrible situation, has brought my mothers family together. I'm glad she was here when I gave her the news, cause else I don't know how she would handle it.
It really makes one think... Life can be over before you know it..
Thank you all for always being there for me.. I have said it before, I say it again... Some of you mean the world to me even though I don't know you in "real life"...
I will be back tomorrow with another post, numbers ect.. For now.. Just remember life is short.. Do something that makes you happy.. Really happy....
<3
2013/07/29
The plan!
OK, I know I said I wouldn't be posting the plan until later on, but I have it pretty much figured out - soooo I thought why not.
As I said I am planning on following Rusty Moore's the author of the fitnessblackbook.com
I have decided to just F the micro's and go for the main number which is calories - and the amount of calories I am planning to eat is 1440 calories a day. The idea is to do this: Goal Weight in Pounds x (hours working out per week + 9.5) = Calories. I have decided to put up 120lbs as my ugw and that is the number I am using to figure out the calories. I am thinking to aim to work out 2.5 hours a week.. So, 120 x (2.5+9.5) = 1440 calories, a day. (10080 a week).
I am also going to aim for a weekly count (just like seekingsomethingelse does) - instead of daily.. We all have days where we eat out, or when there is something which we can't control like birthdays ect, and with a weekly budget I think I can have a day where I can eat a tad more instead of feeling all sick and guilty cause I "ate too much"... Does it make sense?
As far as the exercise goes, I think 2,5 hours is something I can achieve, I can either divide it and do 30 mins a day, or I can do 2-3 longer sessions. I am not going to aim to work out so and so many hours a day, cause lets face it - with a kid, I never know if I have the time or the energy to devote my self to anything more.
We have decided that hubby is going to stay home on Wednesdays and use a "daddy day" after his vacation is over, so if nothing more I knowI will be able to hit the gym on Wednesdays and one day during the weekend. I am also going to focus on cardio and resistance training.
I think I will be keeping the calories to the same amount since it is what I would need to eat to maintain the weight I want to reach, but I will be changing the work-outs as I get stronger.
And at last and not least, I think I am going to put my scale away and only weigh-in every two weeks. Do a body scan once a month - and also take my measurements every two months. I feel like I am becoming more and more depressed every time I step on the scale - it's dictating my mood. I still want to have control over the numbers, so I think sticking to spesific weigh-in, measurement days will do that.
Now that this is out of the way, I thought I would mention something even more personal. Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary.. Can you believe how fast time has gone by???
Here are a few pictures from our day ( I will have to remove them later as a promise to hubby as always, but yeah)
Last Tuesday was also a special day for us. My son turned 8 months... I still have a hard time believing how fast he is growing. Last week I gave him a haircut cause his hair was so long it kept getting in his eyes, annoying him. He looks so much older after his cut (that's what I think, but no one agrees with me hehe).. Anyways, here is a picture from my little sunshine.. (Everyone says he looks like me eventhough he has his daddy's eye and hair color, what do you guys think?)
Anyways, I guess it's time to round up this post. I hope you all have a great week ahead.
<3
As I said I am planning on following Rusty Moore's the author of the fitnessblackbook.com
I have decided to just F the micro's and go for the main number which is calories - and the amount of calories I am planning to eat is 1440 calories a day. The idea is to do this: Goal Weight in Pounds x (hours working out per week + 9.5) = Calories. I have decided to put up 120lbs as my ugw and that is the number I am using to figure out the calories. I am thinking to aim to work out 2.5 hours a week.. So, 120 x (2.5+9.5) = 1440 calories, a day. (10080 a week).
I am also going to aim for a weekly count (just like seekingsomethingelse does) - instead of daily.. We all have days where we eat out, or when there is something which we can't control like birthdays ect, and with a weekly budget I think I can have a day where I can eat a tad more instead of feeling all sick and guilty cause I "ate too much"... Does it make sense?
As far as the exercise goes, I think 2,5 hours is something I can achieve, I can either divide it and do 30 mins a day, or I can do 2-3 longer sessions. I am not going to aim to work out so and so many hours a day, cause lets face it - with a kid, I never know if I have the time or the energy to devote my self to anything more.
We have decided that hubby is going to stay home on Wednesdays and use a "daddy day" after his vacation is over, so if nothing more I knowI will be able to hit the gym on Wednesdays and one day during the weekend. I am also going to focus on cardio and resistance training.
I think I will be keeping the calories to the same amount since it is what I would need to eat to maintain the weight I want to reach, but I will be changing the work-outs as I get stronger.
And at last and not least, I think I am going to put my scale away and only weigh-in every two weeks. Do a body scan once a month - and also take my measurements every two months. I feel like I am becoming more and more depressed every time I step on the scale - it's dictating my mood. I still want to have control over the numbers, so I think sticking to spesific weigh-in, measurement days will do that.
Now that this is out of the way, I thought I would mention something even more personal. Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary.. Can you believe how fast time has gone by???
Here are a few pictures from our day ( I will have to remove them later as a promise to hubby as always, but yeah)
Edit to remove pictures
Last Tuesday was also a special day for us. My son turned 8 months... I still have a hard time believing how fast he is growing. Last week I gave him a haircut cause his hair was so long it kept getting in his eyes, annoying him. He looks so much older after his cut (that's what I think, but no one agrees with me hehe).. Anyways, here is a picture from my little sunshine.. (Everyone says he looks like me eventhough he has his daddy's eye and hair color, what do you guys think?)
Edit to remove pictures
Anyways, I guess it's time to round up this post. I hope you all have a great week ahead.
<3
2013/07/26
I'm so f---ing stupid!!!!
I was reading Seeking something else's post and it was so clear... I have been so stupid.. So I mean.. I got visual impact for woman by Rusty Moore, not long after I started my blog.. To be more exact in March 2011... It means I have had it for over 2 years.. During these two years.. My weight has gone up and up and up... I have reached the most horrible sickening number.. And yes.. It is about the numbers.. None of us can say it is not...
My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..
This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..
I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..
It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...
Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...
I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...
When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?
After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..
I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...
OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...
My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..
So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...
While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..
I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.
In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..
I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3
Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!
My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..
This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..
I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..
It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...
Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...
I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...
When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?
After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..
I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...
OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...
My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..
So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...
While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..
I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.
In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..
I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3
Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!
2013/03/07
Life!
So I haven't been making proper posts in ages.. Things have been hard.. I went bananas with my eats and have gained a whole lot.. I had a huge fight with hubby and didn't talk to him for days (ex. for the things that were regarding the kid), I have cut out my sisters from my life.. Mjeh.. Lets go into details..
I was in a funk for a long while.. And being an emotional eater - I just couldn't take back control over my eats and my life.. And as if everything wasn't hard enough we decided to take a roadtrip to Oslo for my bffs daughters baptism.. I didn't want to take the trip since we would have to leave on the same day that my son was to have his first vaccines.. But she kept telling me nothing would happen, and I trusted her opinion since she has two kids.. I checked with my sons doc and she said it was OK.. The drive takes 6-7 hours, and guess what.. We weren't even half way before my son started getting really sick.. He had a really high fever and was just screaming in pain... Lets just say by the time we had that stop for me to try to see if I can calm him down.. Feed and change him.. I was shivering from stress.. When we got back in the car and he fell sleep I just broke down.. I was so stressed out that I couldn't stop my tears or to shiver...
That day hadn't started well either.. I had told my mother that we were taking the trip (it takes her 3-4 hours drive to Oslo from where she lives) and I told her that she could come and visit us if she wants to.. She is in Turkey now and she is staying there for two months - so it was her last chance to see her grandson.. She decided on her own to bring one of my sisters (the middle one) and of course that turned into a shitty drama.. It ended up with her being a F--ing liar saying my mom hadn't told her about the trip, and that she couldn't come.. At the same time she called my mother saying I had called her and yelled at her saying I didn't want her there.. And then she drags our other sister (the youngest one) into the shit and she starts calling for things.. It was the last drop for me and I just had enough.. So I just blocked them from Facebook.. And have stopped replying to their calls/msg ect.. I just can't take it anymore..
Anywho.. That was the start of the day.. The kid burning up with fever was the next.. But at the end we finally arrived and crashed.. I am ashamed to say this whole episode ended up with me going into a binge mode.. I stuffed my face for a week.. I cried.. I ate.. I cried more and I ate more..
Finally I started feeling better and I decided I would get my shit together and just stop.. It was a sunny day (the first one in God knows how long).. So we ran some errands and by the end of the day I wanted one of those small icecream cones from Burger king.. And the hubby decided he is going to be "funny" and said "Oh so you wont stop your eating before you have given all our kids diabetes"... He was of course refering to the gestational diabetes.. And it was a low blow.. I was in shock.. You guys know how hard the whole shit was for me.. I was feeling so bad.. he know how hard it had been for me.. The second it was out of his mouth he realized what he had said.. But it was too late then.. He kept saying that it wasn't what he ment.. And that he loved me - that he was trying to take care of me.. But it was just not OK.. I was crushed.. (I still am when I think of it)...
I know that menn are stupid.. That they say things without thinking.. So I decided to let it be after a couple of days.. I know he loves me and that he is very sorry.. But I have never been this hurt.... Say what ever the fuck you want about me.. But don't drag my kid into it... He is the one good thing about me that I know I can not ruin...
Anyways.. I am "ok" now.. My husband is away on the trip I told you guys about with his work.. And of course my bff couldn't come and stay with me as planned.. Both her kids got a really bad case of flu right before the trip so she had to cencel it.. He will be back on Monday.. So lets hope I can manage this and that we will be Ok...
Other than those things I am doing OK.. I started over this Monday and things are OK.. I am writing down everything I am eating - and I am starting to see where I go wrong.. I want to keep writing down things until the end of next week and then start counting calories properly.. The weight is thankfully already dropping again and I feel like I am understanding my mistakes and am making better choices each day..
I have been following the journey of the girls on Team Taralynn and I was thinking about going their cleanse but I have decided not to.. I am however going to take a note and I have a couple of changes I want to work on.. First goal is to stop using salt on my salads and veg.. The second is to make lunch the largest meal of the day.. I am starting to realize that I tend to eat too little during the day and I overeat at night.. So now I want to make sure to get a proper lunch in loaded with veg ect and to have a light dinner instead..
Anyways.. That is about it from me for now...
<3
Edit: Oh I forgot to say.. I finally got the rest of the money from the house they sold for me back in Iran and I have decided I am gonna put aside some of it and use to get me something good as a reward when I reach my first goal weight.. I am thinking about a Nike fuel band but I dunno yet :)
I was in a funk for a long while.. And being an emotional eater - I just couldn't take back control over my eats and my life.. And as if everything wasn't hard enough we decided to take a roadtrip to Oslo for my bffs daughters baptism.. I didn't want to take the trip since we would have to leave on the same day that my son was to have his first vaccines.. But she kept telling me nothing would happen, and I trusted her opinion since she has two kids.. I checked with my sons doc and she said it was OK.. The drive takes 6-7 hours, and guess what.. We weren't even half way before my son started getting really sick.. He had a really high fever and was just screaming in pain... Lets just say by the time we had that stop for me to try to see if I can calm him down.. Feed and change him.. I was shivering from stress.. When we got back in the car and he fell sleep I just broke down.. I was so stressed out that I couldn't stop my tears or to shiver...
That day hadn't started well either.. I had told my mother that we were taking the trip (it takes her 3-4 hours drive to Oslo from where she lives) and I told her that she could come and visit us if she wants to.. She is in Turkey now and she is staying there for two months - so it was her last chance to see her grandson.. She decided on her own to bring one of my sisters (the middle one) and of course that turned into a shitty drama.. It ended up with her being a F--ing liar saying my mom hadn't told her about the trip, and that she couldn't come.. At the same time she called my mother saying I had called her and yelled at her saying I didn't want her there.. And then she drags our other sister (the youngest one) into the shit and she starts calling for things.. It was the last drop for me and I just had enough.. So I just blocked them from Facebook.. And have stopped replying to their calls/msg ect.. I just can't take it anymore..
Anywho.. That was the start of the day.. The kid burning up with fever was the next.. But at the end we finally arrived and crashed.. I am ashamed to say this whole episode ended up with me going into a binge mode.. I stuffed my face for a week.. I cried.. I ate.. I cried more and I ate more..
Finally I started feeling better and I decided I would get my shit together and just stop.. It was a sunny day (the first one in God knows how long).. So we ran some errands and by the end of the day I wanted one of those small icecream cones from Burger king.. And the hubby decided he is going to be "funny" and said "Oh so you wont stop your eating before you have given all our kids diabetes"... He was of course refering to the gestational diabetes.. And it was a low blow.. I was in shock.. You guys know how hard the whole shit was for me.. I was feeling so bad.. he know how hard it had been for me.. The second it was out of his mouth he realized what he had said.. But it was too late then.. He kept saying that it wasn't what he ment.. And that he loved me - that he was trying to take care of me.. But it was just not OK.. I was crushed.. (I still am when I think of it)...
I know that menn are stupid.. That they say things without thinking.. So I decided to let it be after a couple of days.. I know he loves me and that he is very sorry.. But I have never been this hurt.... Say what ever the fuck you want about me.. But don't drag my kid into it... He is the one good thing about me that I know I can not ruin...
Anyways.. I am "ok" now.. My husband is away on the trip I told you guys about with his work.. And of course my bff couldn't come and stay with me as planned.. Both her kids got a really bad case of flu right before the trip so she had to cencel it.. He will be back on Monday.. So lets hope I can manage this and that we will be Ok...
Other than those things I am doing OK.. I started over this Monday and things are OK.. I am writing down everything I am eating - and I am starting to see where I go wrong.. I want to keep writing down things until the end of next week and then start counting calories properly.. The weight is thankfully already dropping again and I feel like I am understanding my mistakes and am making better choices each day..
I have been following the journey of the girls on Team Taralynn and I was thinking about going their cleanse but I have decided not to.. I am however going to take a note and I have a couple of changes I want to work on.. First goal is to stop using salt on my salads and veg.. The second is to make lunch the largest meal of the day.. I am starting to realize that I tend to eat too little during the day and I overeat at night.. So now I want to make sure to get a proper lunch in loaded with veg ect and to have a light dinner instead..
Anyways.. That is about it from me for now...
<3
Edit: Oh I forgot to say.. I finally got the rest of the money from the house they sold for me back in Iran and I have decided I am gonna put aside some of it and use to get me something good as a reward when I reach my first goal weight.. I am thinking about a Nike fuel band but I dunno yet :)
2013/02/15
Money and some gain...
Of course I have gained after our pizza date last night... It really makes me think that how much it's not worth it! Having the pizza that is.. I feel tired and very bloated and I was insanely thirsty all night...
Then I saw on Undressed Skeleton's Facebook page that they had a really healthy food for their date night.. I really need to learn that date nights - or having friends over - dinner parties ect does not have to equal fatty yucky food that makes you feel horrid the day after.. These food hangovers are just not worth it... Next time we want pizza, I am going to make it at home, and try to have either wholemeal or cauliflower crust for mine.. Cause this is a feeling I rather not have again.
Today I am going to have loads of water - some green tea, and then shakes.. For dinner I am going to have vegetable soup or the veggie omelette I made the other day.
Anyways.. New start today.. And lesson learned!
Did you guys have fun? :) My hubby surprised me by getting me this wallet I wanted from desigual - I am so bad on spending money on things for my self when they cost a tad more than what I think they should cost.. So I was really glad that he got it for me :) - I rarely use a purse now that I have the pram and the changing bag to tag along.. And this one fits perfectly in the holder thingi I have hanging on the pram :)
Yesterday I got some good news :)
I don't know if anyone remembers - but the last time I met my grandmother (My fathers mother) - she told me she had bought an apartment for me in Iran.. And to be honest I am not going to ever live in Iran. When my son was born I asked her to sell it and send me the money. The place is sold and I got 2/3 of the money they sold it for in my account yesterday - and I will receive the rest next month! My income has gone down to like under half of what I normally get since I am on my leave and the money was really good news for me! I am going to use most of it to pay off most of this loan I have back in Norway (after one of my disaster relationships) which means I will be able to pay off the whole thing by end of this year - which again means I will have around 300 dollars to use on whatever each month!
Annnnnd I am going to spend some of it to get my license! I wanted to do it before I got pregnant - but as you know the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned and with all the illness and the foggy brain I was in no shape to do it last year.. I am going to start driving a tad with hubby after he comes back from his work trip in March and then enroll on this intensive class and hopefully I will have it before summer time! Being able to drive will mean so much more freedom for me - it will be great to be able to let hubby in charge of the kid when he is home and just get to the gym - or go for a coffee or just a drive to get away.
Talking about the gym. I have decided to put off getting a membership until after I get my license too. The weather should be clearing up in a couple of weeks and I really want to start running outside. I have found this gym that does have child care, but they wont take in kids that are younger than 6 months old... And the kid is 3 next month.. So it means I would have to go after hubby gets home - and all in all it would be more of a hassle than a joy right now. I don't want to pay a bunch of cash (beside what my work pays) for a membership that would barely get used in 2-3 months.. So I think it's better to wait.
Anyways :) I am going to be off for now - hope you all have a wonderful day!
<3
Then I saw on Undressed Skeleton's Facebook page that they had a really healthy food for their date night.. I really need to learn that date nights - or having friends over - dinner parties ect does not have to equal fatty yucky food that makes you feel horrid the day after.. These food hangovers are just not worth it... Next time we want pizza, I am going to make it at home, and try to have either wholemeal or cauliflower crust for mine.. Cause this is a feeling I rather not have again.
Today I am going to have loads of water - some green tea, and then shakes.. For dinner I am going to have vegetable soup or the veggie omelette I made the other day.
Anyways.. New start today.. And lesson learned!
Did you guys have fun? :) My hubby surprised me by getting me this wallet I wanted from desigual - I am so bad on spending money on things for my self when they cost a tad more than what I think they should cost.. So I was really glad that he got it for me :) - I rarely use a purse now that I have the pram and the changing bag to tag along.. And this one fits perfectly in the holder thingi I have hanging on the pram :)
Yesterday I got some good news :)
I don't know if anyone remembers - but the last time I met my grandmother (My fathers mother) - she told me she had bought an apartment for me in Iran.. And to be honest I am not going to ever live in Iran. When my son was born I asked her to sell it and send me the money. The place is sold and I got 2/3 of the money they sold it for in my account yesterday - and I will receive the rest next month! My income has gone down to like under half of what I normally get since I am on my leave and the money was really good news for me! I am going to use most of it to pay off most of this loan I have back in Norway (after one of my disaster relationships) which means I will be able to pay off the whole thing by end of this year - which again means I will have around 300 dollars to use on whatever each month!
Annnnnd I am going to spend some of it to get my license! I wanted to do it before I got pregnant - but as you know the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned and with all the illness and the foggy brain I was in no shape to do it last year.. I am going to start driving a tad with hubby after he comes back from his work trip in March and then enroll on this intensive class and hopefully I will have it before summer time! Being able to drive will mean so much more freedom for me - it will be great to be able to let hubby in charge of the kid when he is home and just get to the gym - or go for a coffee or just a drive to get away.
Talking about the gym. I have decided to put off getting a membership until after I get my license too. The weather should be clearing up in a couple of weeks and I really want to start running outside. I have found this gym that does have child care, but they wont take in kids that are younger than 6 months old... And the kid is 3 next month.. So it means I would have to go after hubby gets home - and all in all it would be more of a hassle than a joy right now. I don't want to pay a bunch of cash (beside what my work pays) for a membership that would barely get used in 2-3 months.. So I think it's better to wait.
Anyways :) I am going to be off for now - hope you all have a wonderful day!
<3
2013/01/24
Comments!
First I want to say thanks you for all your comments on my last post. Some made me more frustrated ^^ - some made me feel much better. All in all I am greatful that you ladies take the time to read my posts and that you tell me what your thoughts are about them.
I want to clear up something.. It is not that I do not want to breastfeed the kid.. God knows we have tried.. And the "feeding/movie marathon" is not an option for me due to my illness.. Fibromyalgia is a horrible illness - if you click on the link you can see what I am dealing with.. I am greatful to not have all the problems but I do have the pain - weakness - headaches - nerve pain - IB - along with the sleep issues.. Doing a socalled feeding marathon would mess up my body completly.. I get stiff muscles and I barely can pick up a cup of tea.. I do now as we speak struggle holding the kid up due to the nerve pain, but I deal with it cause I have to. I will however NOT make it worse for me by keep forcefeeding him to maybe have more milk to feed him with..
He started taking the breast perfectly pretty right away and his weight was going up the way it was supposed to and even a tad more the first 4 weeks - but the last 4 weeks has been a struggle.. He isn't losing weight, but he hasn't grown as he is supposed to. I eat the way I used to (I just watch and plan my meals better) and I do drink around 3L of water a day.. Often more..
Even I never thought of just going over to the bottle - and it was a hard thing for me to do - things has been so much better. He sleeps better, he is happy when he wakes up - he gurgles and plays and "talks" so much when he is up.. The baby is a happy baby and I think it is all thanks to the formula cause he isn't hungry anymore. I do still give him the breast - I give the right breast at one feed - the left next and then the bottle on the third feed. I do give him the bottle after he has gotten the breast if I see he isn't full but yeah.. This is working for us.. I am in waaaay less pain cause I'm not stressed and last night we slept for around 11 hours.. We were up to feed twice, but went back to bed and sleep right away..
I want to enjoy my baby and if this is the thing that gives us the chance to have a good time I am all for it :)
Btw Isabella Bloom, I can not read your blog anymore cause it says I am not an invited reader - toss me one if you want me to keep reading it :) Oh and I have read the book - and am on their blog and I have a few posts about it too!
I want to clear up something.. It is not that I do not want to breastfeed the kid.. God knows we have tried.. And the "feeding/movie marathon" is not an option for me due to my illness.. Fibromyalgia is a horrible illness - if you click on the link you can see what I am dealing with.. I am greatful to not have all the problems but I do have the pain - weakness - headaches - nerve pain - IB - along with the sleep issues.. Doing a socalled feeding marathon would mess up my body completly.. I get stiff muscles and I barely can pick up a cup of tea.. I do now as we speak struggle holding the kid up due to the nerve pain, but I deal with it cause I have to. I will however NOT make it worse for me by keep forcefeeding him to maybe have more milk to feed him with..
He started taking the breast perfectly pretty right away and his weight was going up the way it was supposed to and even a tad more the first 4 weeks - but the last 4 weeks has been a struggle.. He isn't losing weight, but he hasn't grown as he is supposed to. I eat the way I used to (I just watch and plan my meals better) and I do drink around 3L of water a day.. Often more..
Even I never thought of just going over to the bottle - and it was a hard thing for me to do - things has been so much better. He sleeps better, he is happy when he wakes up - he gurgles and plays and "talks" so much when he is up.. The baby is a happy baby and I think it is all thanks to the formula cause he isn't hungry anymore. I do still give him the breast - I give the right breast at one feed - the left next and then the bottle on the third feed. I do give him the bottle after he has gotten the breast if I see he isn't full but yeah.. This is working for us.. I am in waaaay less pain cause I'm not stressed and last night we slept for around 11 hours.. We were up to feed twice, but went back to bed and sleep right away..
I want to enjoy my baby and if this is the thing that gives us the chance to have a good time I am all for it :)
Btw Isabella Bloom, I can not read your blog anymore cause it says I am not an invited reader - toss me one if you want me to keep reading it :) Oh and I have read the book - and am on their blog and I have a few posts about it too!
2012/07/26
* Title*
Some times it's so hard to find a proper title for posts.. Anywho..
My mom went back home this morning - and her trip has been just fine. We didn't really talk much, but I did tell her that I didn't want her to come and stay with us after the baby was born. She wanted to stay for two weeks - and her intentions are all good , but lets face it.. I would go mental.. I also think it is very important for us to be able to get our own rutines with the baby without someone else trying to tell us what to do. She tok it pretty well.. I was very surprised that she actually listened.
She had bought some baby cloths and a toy. And when she was here she bought another set of cloths and this chair we wanted for the baby. It was really nice of her cause the chair in it self was pretty expencive. I will post some more pictures of them in a late post. (I am too lazy to get up and take picture now hehe)..
----
I got some questions about the parental leave here so I thought I would make a little post about it. In Norway it's pretty straight forward - you get to take 10 months and keep 100% of your regular income - or you can take 12 months for 80%.. The other parent can take 8 weeks for the full income in addition to it.
Here in Sweden it's a mess. They have so many rules and thing which really are giving me a headache.
In total we have the right to take 480 days off. Where (in our case) the father has to take 60 days. Of those 480 days you have 90 days where you get the low pay rate which is around 20 USD a day.. The rest gives you around 80% of your income pre tax. When I go on my leave my income will be around 800 USD less than what I get paid normally.. And even though we will be just fine - we wont have any room to "play", and we will depend a whole lot more on my husbands income.
So yes technicly I can take a whole year off but I really am not sure what I am going to do. I might take 10 months full time and then the rest as 50% leave and work 50% .. I really have to think about what will be best for us.. All of us..
That said the goverments in the nordics give this monthly amount of money for the kids until they turn 18. For one kid it's around 175 USD - and for two it's around 340 USD ( I know for a fact that I wont have more than two kids - so the other amounts aren't really relevant for us)..
So erm ya .. I hope it explains it a bit better hehe ..
Anywho.. I am going to go off for now.. I have loads on my mind lately.. I should make a post about that too soon... I sure need to vent - but right now, my head is a little to messy..
<3
My mom went back home this morning - and her trip has been just fine. We didn't really talk much, but I did tell her that I didn't want her to come and stay with us after the baby was born. She wanted to stay for two weeks - and her intentions are all good , but lets face it.. I would go mental.. I also think it is very important for us to be able to get our own rutines with the baby without someone else trying to tell us what to do. She tok it pretty well.. I was very surprised that she actually listened.
She had bought some baby cloths and a toy. And when she was here she bought another set of cloths and this chair we wanted for the baby. It was really nice of her cause the chair in it self was pretty expencive. I will post some more pictures of them in a late post. (I am too lazy to get up and take picture now hehe)..
----
I got some questions about the parental leave here so I thought I would make a little post about it. In Norway it's pretty straight forward - you get to take 10 months and keep 100% of your regular income - or you can take 12 months for 80%.. The other parent can take 8 weeks for the full income in addition to it.
Here in Sweden it's a mess. They have so many rules and thing which really are giving me a headache.
In total we have the right to take 480 days off. Where (in our case) the father has to take 60 days. Of those 480 days you have 90 days where you get the low pay rate which is around 20 USD a day.. The rest gives you around 80% of your income pre tax. When I go on my leave my income will be around 800 USD less than what I get paid normally.. And even though we will be just fine - we wont have any room to "play", and we will depend a whole lot more on my husbands income.
So yes technicly I can take a whole year off but I really am not sure what I am going to do. I might take 10 months full time and then the rest as 50% leave and work 50% .. I really have to think about what will be best for us.. All of us..
That said the goverments in the nordics give this monthly amount of money for the kids until they turn 18. For one kid it's around 175 USD - and for two it's around 340 USD ( I know for a fact that I wont have more than two kids - so the other amounts aren't really relevant for us)..
So erm ya .. I hope it explains it a bit better hehe ..
Anywho.. I am going to go off for now.. I have loads on my mind lately.. I should make a post about that too soon... I sure need to vent - but right now, my head is a little to messy..
<3
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