Goals of 2014..

I don't know what it is with my body and pregnancy, but my eating habits are totally different already and I am not really trying.. It's like my body says stop and I just can't eat more. Being sick, is making me start my days with some crackers, and then actually keep having a small breakfast, remember having regular breakfast was one of my goals? Well it is actually happening now. Then I have lunch, dinner and some times a little snack between those. But my portions can't really be compared to like two weeks ago. 

I have lost 5 lbs since I found out that I was pregnant, and again.. This is me not trying to lose weight. 

I still need to move more, and I am aiming to get off the bus a stop before my actual stop on the days the weather is OK. Not much, but something to aim for. 

This week is our last week at work before we go on a two weeks vacation. Well we aren't really going anywhere, but yeah, we are off work. Hopefully the weather Gods will be kind to us, and we will be able to visit the zoo, we were also planning to visit my bff in Oslo, but since I have a bad case of morning sickness, and have puked a few times (nothing compared to my last pregnancy yet though), I have asked them to come over. 

Anyways.. These are my goals for the rest of this year:

- Make better choices when I eat

- Get off my bum and move as often as I can.. It doesn't all have to be in one session, but a little here, and a little there is better than nothing

- No more haircuts .. I am so sick of going to the hairdresser and they fuck up my hair. I go in for a trim and I end up with chopped hair.. Trying to save some length and it has been taking ages. If I am going to get a trim, it will only be with the one hairdresser I trust. 

- Stop hating every aspect of my body.. This one will probably be a goal for life, and it will take years for me to deal with.. 

Do you have any goals? If so, what? 

Rough night...

It's been ages since I had a night like last night. I slept in 1-2 hour intervals waking up horrified from nightmares.. Hubby woke me up a few times cause apparently I was screaming.. Or sounded like I was suffocating..

The first nightmare had the worst affect on my body.. My heart kept pumping so hard it felt like it was going through my chest.. It was like my body was trying to force me wake up.. Took around 5 mins for me to realize I was safe..

Today I stayed home from work.. I begged hubby to stay home with me so I could sleep without having more horror - but he really had to go to work.. Luckily I managed to crash on the sofa and get 3 hours of sleep with the TV on.. I really needed that. My body feels rested.. My mind still in shock..

I don't understand what brought out all these nightmares.. I thought I was done with them.. I do tend to have them once or twice now and then, but never so often in the one and same night.. And not so intense..

Do you have nightmares? How do you deal with them?

Pregnant....

Don't ask me how it happened..
I can count the times I have had sex this year on one hand..

We wanted to try for another baby end of September.. I'm not sad about another baby even though it is earlier than we had planned, but I am worried.. My last pregnancy was rocky... And the time after even harder.. I am just starting to get out of my depression..

I don't think my doctor will approve..


And my mother has been here.. She just left a couple hours ago.. Surviving these days has been a binge fest.. I am tired.. So glad i planned this ahead and took two days off so I can recover.. I also have an appointment with my shrink which also is needed..

I found out my youngest sister is using heroin... She is barely 20.. And my mother still wonders why I don't bring my kid there to "spend time with his family"... Fuck that.. I am his family.. his dad is his family.. People who love him and care enough to spend time with him are his family.. blood relation doesn't matter shit..

I'm sorry..
I'm just so tired..


And I am fat.. I don't even want to face the scale after this weeks binges..
I will have to tomorrow.. I need to start tracking my weight.. I have to do as good as I did with my last pregnancy.. I do not need to get fatter..

Going to see the midwife on the 28th.. Not sure how far along I am.. Think it is 7 weeks or so.. Never understood why they count it the way they do...


That's it for now..

New home and hairy bikers!

Last week we bought a new apartment. It is in the same building as we live in now, but it is on the 13th floor, we live on 6th now. And it has 3 bedrooms and an extra WC. It is in the shape that this one was when we first bought it so it means we get to fix it all and make it our own. I am actually really looking forward to that cause this time around, we know what we like, what we don't like ect. We get the keys to the new place in the middle of September, and we are hoping to be moved in by end of October. I am going to do what I did last time and put up before and after pictures when we are done :)
We wanted to buy a house, but honestly who has the time for all the garden work and so on. And with my and my hubbies allergies it would be a "you do it" war.. The other issue was that we wanted to keep living in the area that we live now, and we just couldn't afford the houses that were up-to our standard. So for now another flat it is :) Who know maybe in 5 years we will be looking into a house.

I have also joined this online diet club. It is actually the hairy bikers (the British cooks, if you know who they are). One of my co-workers and her husband has been doing this since March and the results are amazing. They have each lost over 40lbs and just look so much better. What I LOVE about this site is that you are told exactly what to eat, and how much of it to have. If you choose to swap the things for something else that suits you, you have your calorie limit for that meal. For me this is making dinners just so much easier. I see what my weekly menus is like, and just swap the ones that doesn't work for the whole family, I just look into their recipe bank and choose something in the same calorie budget. I also like the fact that it is all normal food.. So now I don't have to feel like shit when my kid puts a bite of banana in my mouth cause I am doing low carb.. And all I need to do is to dedicated a day in the weekend planning the weeks menu and make a shopping list.. I already plan our whole weeks menu ahead, but the fact that we have been eating different meals has been killing me.. I also love their progress charts.. And it is cheap.. Here a weight watchers membership costs around 33 usd per month.. This club costs less than half aka 16 usd.. And with everything they offer it is worth every single dollar.

I am also done with macros for now. Going to focus on pure calories in - and some calories out.

The never ending try and fail..

I started this blog in March 2011.. My goal was to use this blog to keep up my motivation and lose the weight once and for all.. Since then I have gotten married, had a rendevouz with bulimia, gotten pregnant, battled depression, tried countless of diets, and yet here I am on my ever highest weight, where it is almost 60 lbs higher than where it was when I started this blog.

I am and have always been the master of excuses. I am the best to find reasons to change my plans, try another diet, and just give up.. I usually go on a binge fest where I gain more than I lost during the little time I spent on the diet.

Ever since then I have "met" a bunch of amazing bloggers, gotten a whole bunch of support and still I haven't managed to get anywhere close to what I was hoping for.

In spirit of "No excuses June" I am facing facts and thinking of how it has been going. These are the reasons why I have gained more weight, and am not anywhere close to where I need to be:

1: I never stick to a plan - I either give up, or find an excuse to change my plans or give up.
2: I use food to medicate my self. I use food to deal with all my emotions.
3. I always cheat, always finding a reason to cheat.
4. When I have a bad day, I end up thinking "I already had a binge meal, I can just go ahead and keep stuffing my face" and then I hop on the "I hate my self" which normally leads to several days of overeating.

Where am I going with this you wonder? Well. I have been wondering about the same myself.

The last time I saw my shrink I asked her to help me deal with my emotional issues. Teaching me to recognize and deal, and my homework is to look after what the different emotions make me feel physically. So here is the plan:

- Stop trying too hard, no more diets. Just use common sense, and practice portion control.
- Take one day at the time, one meal at the time and one kilo at the time.
- Keep working on my emotions. How to handle them. Food is not supposed to be used to nourish, it's not punishment, it is not a reward.
- A bad meal, or a bad choice does not mean I have failed and ruined the whole day.
- Measure my servings to get correct portion sizes until I learn what is a normal portion size.
- And last, I have to stick to it. Not get tempted into trying yet another diet because this one isn't giving the fast results I was hoping for.

So this is where I am at today. Still two more weeks left in June, which for me means I still have two more weeks to stay true to my plan.

No excuses June...

How is everyone doing? The page is pretty dead, and I have been looking forward to see how everyone is doing with their goals, or if they want to update/define their goals.

I am doing OK with LCHF, I have been testing to see what carb levels work for me. Seems like I need to keep it pretty strict, but I am having problems with too much fat in one sitting, so I need to work on finding ways to up my fat intake and not the carbs without having to munch butter with everything.

Last night I had the sickest dream... In my dream I had gotten so fat that my belly was hanging down around my knee.. Well, the right side.. The left side was a tad higher.. I looked like one of those people you see on Supersize vs superskinny show, you know the ones the doctor uses to scare the fat person into getting in shape... I was pretty happy when I woke up and figure out that it wasn't real... But I am not happy with my body at all.. And i am not ready to give up and get to where I was in my dream..

Anyways, I guess it is all about finding the right balance for your body.. Right?

No excuses!

After a slow start to June I am finally on track. It's great to see so many of you joining me on "No excuses June". I have updated the page, but feel free to leave a comment with changes and I will make sure to update them asap. :)

This weekend I took a huge step, and spent a great deal of money on my self. I rarely do that anymore, but I felt that this was something that would benefit me too much to be ignored. I bought a crosstrainer!

I have said this before, I am ashamed of being out and about trying to workout where there is a bunch of tiny girls in tiny shorts and tanks looking like ballerinas jogging on the mill like that is nothing when I am weezing after 10 mins on whatever machine. So I am bringing the gym to me.. And it is finally being delivered today! My husband promised to put it together for me tonight, and I must admit that I am really looking forward to it.

I have moved out our dining-table (we rarely used it anyways, since we mostly eat in the kitchen), and make space to have it in the living-room. There are no excuses left.. I can watch TV, talk to my husband, watch my son play and still be able to do something but sitting on my ass on the couch...

NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!

I am going to start by seeing what is the longest amount of time I can spend on it, and then keep adding to it minute by minute over time. And my goal is to be able to do 60 mins on it without passing out...

Anyways.. Looking forward to a new me... Remember ladies... No excuses.. Lets be honest with our selves and I am sure that's when we can achieve whatever we are aiming for.