Crap de la crap!

I am in such a crappy mood lately... Everything bugs me.. My husband is being the most annoying version of him self.. Every single thing is become and argument.. I am just soo tired..

I miss having a social life.. I miss my friends in Oslo, and Oslo was always the place I called home.. But still.. Now I don't feel like I belong there anymore.. And I know for sure that I don't belong here...

I am so lost..

90% of the time.. I feel like I am a single parent..
90% of the time.. I feel lonely...

I miss my job... At the same time I really hate the idea of going back to it..

The weather has been shit.. It is still shit.. One of the reasons I said OK to us living here was the fact that it was supposed to be only two weeks of snow per year.. It's still snowing.. And the fucking wind.. It is so bad that yesterday it almost tipped the stroller with the baby in it over.. And I mean.. We have one of the safest, most stabil strollers out there.. Imagine how strong the wind was..

And for someone like me.. The wind is poison.. I am aching everywhere.. I am constantly tired.. I just want to go away...

Two nights ago.. I broke down.. And for the first time in over 10 years I was thinking how much I miss the feeling of a blade against my skin.. I was thinking how good it felt to be in charge of the pain... Of course I didn't act on it.. But it scares me that I am actually thinking about it...

Random note...
I just turned on the TV and they are putting cloths on this girl.. This fat girl.. And everything either looks like a tent.. Or she looks like she is a painted building... And they keep telling her she is looking amazing.. And Trust me.. She looks like shit..

Talking about shit...

I am planning christening for the kid.. It is going to be on 4th of May and I am going to on a VLCD diet... We have this big family thing on Monday so I will start after that. I am going to have one meal of oatmeal (180 cal) - 5 portions of VLCD Shakes (560 cal) and a pro-bio drink (28 cal) and loads of water, tea, coffee...

I just need to have control of something.. and I think this will provide the control I crave without any blades involved.. (Yes I just saw how fucked up this sentence is)...

Anyways.. I guess all there is left to say is happy easter...

30 day shred and baby pictures!

Since the weather here is still insane and I haven't been able to go out for a run or join a gym - I decided to do the 30 day shred.. Did day 1 level 1 and I must say I feel like I'm dying! I am really looking forward to feel a tad less dead doing it hehe! - Today is yet another start (a tad more proper one this time!)

I promised Winter I would post a few pictures of the kid and "show off" his outfits .. Thought I'd do that today.. I will have to remove the pictures after a while since I made a promise to the hubby about not having his pictures on the blog for too long. But here it is :) (PS: he is turning 4 months this Saturday ^^ )

Edit to remove pictures! 

Most of his cloths are from either HM, Nameit or Next UK :)

Anywho.. Have a wonderful day ladies!

<3

Life!

So I haven't been making proper posts in ages.. Things have been hard.. I went bananas with my eats and have gained a whole lot.. I had a huge fight with hubby and didn't talk to him for days (ex. for the things that were regarding the kid), I have cut out my sisters from my life.. Mjeh.. Lets go into details..

I was in a funk for a long while.. And being an emotional eater - I just couldn't take back control over my eats and my life.. And as if everything wasn't hard enough we decided to take a roadtrip to Oslo for my bffs daughters baptism.. I didn't want to take the trip since we would have to leave on the same day that my son was to have his first vaccines.. But she kept telling me nothing would happen, and I trusted her opinion since she has two kids.. I checked with my sons doc and she said it was OK.. The drive takes 6-7 hours, and guess what.. We weren't even half way before my son started getting really sick.. He had a really high fever and was just screaming in pain... Lets just say by the time we had that stop for me to try to see if I can calm him down.. Feed and change him.. I was shivering from stress.. When we got back in the car and he fell sleep I just broke down.. I was so stressed out that I couldn't stop my tears or to shiver...

That day hadn't started well either.. I had told my mother that we were taking the trip (it takes her 3-4 hours drive to Oslo from where she lives) and I told her that she could come and visit us if she wants to.. She is in Turkey now and she is staying there for two months - so it was her last chance to see her grandson.. She decided on her own to bring one of my sisters (the middle one) and of course that turned into a shitty drama.. It ended up with her being a F--ing liar saying my mom hadn't told her about the trip, and that she couldn't come.. At the same time she called my mother saying I had called her and yelled at her saying I didn't want her there.. And then she drags our other sister (the youngest one) into the shit and she starts calling for things.. It was the last drop for me and I just had enough.. So I just blocked them from Facebook.. And have stopped replying to their calls/msg ect.. I just can't take it anymore..

Anywho.. That was the start of the day.. The kid burning up with fever was the next.. But at the end we finally arrived and crashed.. I am ashamed to say this whole episode ended up with me going into a binge mode.. I stuffed my face for a week.. I cried.. I ate.. I cried more and I ate more..

Finally I started feeling better and I decided I would get my shit together and just stop.. It was a sunny day (the first one in God knows how long).. So we ran some errands and by the end of the day I wanted one of those small icecream cones from Burger king.. And the hubby decided he is going to be "funny" and said "Oh so you wont stop your eating before you have given all our kids diabetes"... He was of course refering to the gestational diabetes.. And it was a low blow.. I was in shock.. You guys know how hard the whole shit was for me.. I was feeling so bad.. he know how hard it had been for me.. The second it was out of his mouth he realized what he had said.. But it was too late then.. He kept saying that it wasn't what he ment.. And that he loved me - that he was trying to take care of me.. But it was just not OK.. I was crushed.. (I still am when I think of it)...

I know that menn are stupid.. That they say things without thinking.. So I decided to let it be after a couple of days.. I know he loves me and that he is very sorry.. But I have never been this hurt.... Say what ever the fuck you want about me.. But don't drag my kid into it... He is the one good thing about me that I know I can not ruin...

Anyways.. I am "ok" now.. My husband is away on the trip I told you guys about with his work.. And of course my bff couldn't come and stay with me as planned.. Both her kids got a really bad case of flu right before the trip so she had to cencel it.. He will be back on Monday.. So lets hope I can manage this and that we will be Ok...

Other than those things I am doing OK.. I started over this Monday and things are OK.. I am writing down everything I am eating - and I am starting to see where I go wrong.. I want to keep writing down things until the end of next week and then start counting calories properly.. The weight is thankfully already dropping again and I feel like I am understanding my mistakes and am making better choices each day..

I have been following the journey of the girls on Team Taralynn and I was thinking about going their cleanse but I have decided not to.. I am however going to take a note and I have a couple of changes I want to work on.. First goal is to stop using salt on my salads and veg.. The second is to make lunch the largest meal of the day.. I am starting to realize that I tend to eat too little during the day and I overeat at night.. So now I want to make sure to get a proper lunch in loaded with veg ect and to have a light dinner instead..

Anyways.. That is about it from me for now...


<3

Edit: Oh I forgot to say.. I finally got the rest of the money from the house they sold for me back in Iran and I have decided I am gonna put aside some of it and use to get me something good as a reward when I reach my first goal weight.. I am thinking about a Nike fuel band but I dunno yet :)

Take a minute...

And watch this

Been away for a while .. Will make a proper post soon.. Today's mantra is : it's ok to feel hungry.. You do not have to put something in your mouth every time you feel hunger!

Keep it simple stupid!

Last night, when my son woke up for his night-time feed.. I made the bottle and asked hubby to feed him - went back to bed and all of the sudden my head was filled with this voice... "You fail - you suck.. You can not do anything right.. The only reason why you have lost the weight you did was because it was pregnancy weight falling off.. You can not do anything right.."! You get the idea. This morning I woke up feeling defeated.. I was in an extremely depressive mode.. My brain had been working overtime the whole night - and I just wanted to lie down and shut my head..

I have been eating today.. I have been eating pasta.. Bread.. Meatballs.. Smoothie... Granola.. A feast of food that I know I shouldn't eat.. Each bite made me feel more and more depressed.. I was thinking how I don't deserve to be alive.. How I shouldn't be a mother.. I can not take care of my self even.. How can I raise a child..

I needed to do something to shut my head up.. So I dressed up the kid - and told hubby that we are going out.. We went out and while we were out I started to take in everything that was happening around me and finally the voices were still.. And I realized - I am the only person who is standing in my way to become thin.. Healthy.. Toned.. I have this amazing talent in finding excuses of why I should skip today's exercise.. Or why it is OK for me to have that bowl of pasta.. Me and me alone...

You are probably thinking - no shit! - I am sure if you have been reading my posts for a while you have been knowing this for ages..

I don't lack the money to get a membership to go to the gym.. If I wanted to I am sure hubby would drive me to and get me from the gym now if I asked him to... I can buy and make whatever food I want - I am the one deciding what are meals are.. I am the only one to keep putting my self on random diets and then hopping off it because I take it to the extreme and burn out... I am the only person standing in my way to become the person I want to be... And I know that if I do not change me and my mindset I will be here.. Fat.. Wishing to be different while nothing happens...

I am starting over again.. Now.. This very moment.. My goals are simple.. I need to stop making excuses.. Stick to an OK calorie range.. Exercise 3 times a week.. It doesn't have to be hours.. I just need to do something..
I have made an account on Sparkpeople (Thanks Josie <3) and it is giving me a good range of calories, carbs, protein ect to reach my goal during this year.. I just need to stick to it.. For once..

I remember this comment from Miranda once where she was almost shouting at me that I need to stick to whatever I decide to do.. I should have listened to her then..

Anyways.. I am not going to let the voice win.. I will do this.. I just need to stop making it "fancy".. Keep it simple stupid..

Thank goodness for new days and new chances..

Money and some gain...

Of course I have gained after our pizza date last night... It really makes me think that how much it's not worth it! Having the pizza that is.. I feel tired and very bloated and I was insanely thirsty all night...
Then I saw on Undressed Skeleton's Facebook page that they had a really healthy food for their date night.. I really need to learn that date nights - or having friends over - dinner parties ect does not have to equal fatty yucky food that makes you feel horrid the day after.. These food hangovers are just not worth it... Next time we want pizza, I am going to make it at home, and try to have either wholemeal or cauliflower crust for mine.. Cause this is a feeling I rather not have again.

Today I am going to have loads of water - some green tea, and then shakes.. For dinner I am going to have vegetable soup or the veggie omelette I made the other day.

Anyways.. New start today.. And lesson learned!


Did you guys have fun? :) My hubby surprised me by getting me this wallet I wanted from desigual - I am so bad on spending money on things for my self when they cost a tad more than what I think they should cost.. So I was really glad that he got it for me :) - I rarely use a purse now that I have the pram and the changing bag to tag along.. And this one fits perfectly in the holder thingi I have hanging on the pram :)

Yesterday I got some good news :)

I don't know if anyone remembers - but the last time I met my grandmother (My fathers mother) - she told me she had bought an apartment for me in Iran.. And to be honest I am not going to ever live in Iran. When my son was born I asked her to sell it and send me the money. The place is sold and I got 2/3 of the money they sold it for in my account yesterday - and I will receive the rest next month! My income has gone down to like under half of what I normally get since I am on my leave and the money was really good news for me! I am going to use most of it to pay off most of this loan I have back in Norway (after one of my disaster relationships) which means I will be able to pay off the whole thing by end of this year - which again means I will have around 300 dollars to use on whatever each month!

Annnnnd I am going to spend some of it to get my license! I wanted to do it before I got pregnant - but as you know the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned and with all the illness and the foggy brain I was in no shape to do it last year.. I am going to start driving a tad with hubby after he comes back from his work trip in March and then enroll on this intensive class and hopefully I will have it before summer time! Being able to drive will mean so much more freedom for me - it will be great to be able to let hubby in charge of the kid when he is home and just get to the gym - or go for a coffee or just a drive to get away.

Talking about the gym. I have decided to put off getting a membership until after I get my license too. The weather should be clearing up in a couple of weeks and I really want to start running outside. I have found this gym that does have child care, but they wont take in kids that are younger than 6 months old... And the kid is 3 next month.. So it means I would have to go after hubby gets home - and all in all it would be more of a hassle than a joy right now. I don't want to pay a bunch of cash (beside what my work pays) for a membership that would barely get used in 2-3 months.. So I think it's better to wait.

Anyways :)  I am going to be off for now - hope you all have a wonderful day!

<3