Done with Modifast..

So I'm almost out of Modifast products. I have a couple of bags with some soup and choco pudding left, but tbh I don't care enough to use them up. I got my new scale yesterday. I got on it this morning and saw the "real" numbers. I weigh inn more on it than on our old digital scale, the dif is around 3 lbs. But I guess if I am going to use it from now on- those numbers are the ones that count.
Anywho I got my wakeup call last night.. I weigh in around 81 lbs more than my fiance.. That is almost a person- maybe half a person, but still.. No wonder why I feel so huge beside him lol I AM HUGE! I have almost  59% body fat.. Which means I could be purely bacon lol.. Ladies and gentleman.. We have a huge bulb of fat and sugar standing here in human form.. It's sad but it is a fact..
I know I say that I don't want to count carbs or calories.. But I can't not do it as long as I am this huge.. I will stop counting when I get under my goal weight.. So ya.. I have to count..
For now I am going to count carbs.. 20 grams of carbs per day. Aye Ell is right .. The low carb diet works! It is the only diet that worked for me.. EVER.. Anyways.. I will also do the portion control thing with the plates since I think that is the main reason why I gained the weight to begin with..
Ugg.. I am so disgust by what I see in the mirror..  This is what I feel like today:

A fat lard! 

This is what I want to feel like:

Skinny, light, beautiful... 

How can I get there?? By stop eating like a person who looks like a huge bulb of lard.. I am what I eat..

Thanks for all your comments on the yesterdays post about the freaky priest.. I needed it.. Wishing you all a good day and a great weekend <3

Erh right..

Yesterday I opened one of the new boxes from the modifast stuff I got. I got them for like 10 days ago. And I ordered enough of it to last for 6 weeks. I hadn't used them since I already had 2 boxes of the products at home, and two at work. But last night I decided to test a new flavour and it was horrid.. And it smelled funny.. So I went and checked the box and the product was almost 6 months out of date :S.. I checked the rest of them and good thing that I did cause 12 of 15 boxes were out of date :S And thinking about the fact that the shit costed me almost 2000 kroners I was pissed.. So I called them today. And first she said that it was impossible and that I must have seen wrong. But after I flipped and made a "do you think I am fucking blond" , she went to check and it seems like they have had a patch of products that were out of date and had been sent out to customers ordering online by mistake.. I am sending them back today after work and I asked to get my money back. That leaves me with enough products to last this week.

Anyways I am going to figure out what I am going to do when I am out of them. The choices are between a low carb diet as Aye Ell mentioned. Or the flexitarian diet I mentioned in my last post. Or maybe just good old calorie counting with more real idea of restriction. 

I am down 1 lbs today.. Don't feel like it is worth mentioning even since I have been yoyo'ing up and down all the time..  

Thanks for the comments yesterday, And welcome to the new follower. I can't seem to find your blog, so leave me a comment with the link if you want me to follow back :)

@Fed Up: It hasn't always been like this. I have had a whole bunch of money issue until like 6 months ish ago. I still have a loan I am paying off. House loan leftovers after a break up. God knows how much money I have wasted on bad relationships.. But things are good now.. So I wont complain. 

@AJ: Don't you worry hon. You will get married too :) And I bet you will look amazing. Way more amazing that I can even dream of looking on mine. 

I am feeling pretty down. I know I have gained all this weight because of my own bad habits and the fact that I am lazy.. I don't know if I fuck stuff up for my self or what.. But feels like every time I decide something, something happens to mess it up. I mean come on.. Getting out dated products or whatever.. I know most of the time it is my own fault.. This is probably my fault too.. I just haven't figure out how yet.. And I know.. Nothing will happen until I get my shit together and actually move my lazy bum.. 

Ah well. I still have a few days to figure out how to deal with it. And until then we will see if I lose anything on the current diet plan.


Edit:

I ♥ you all...

Thank you so much for the comments you all left on my post yesterday. I was feeling really bad.. And your comments made me feel better and stronger. After the post I had me a good loooong cry and you know what?? I am going to show him he is wrong. He is NOT going to bring me down to his level.. And you guys are right.. He is just trying to make me feel horrid to make him self feel better..
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.

Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self  "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.

I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..

Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.

Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3

Not feeling too well today ..

I'm not sure if it is leftover bugs from the tummy flue we got in London, or what but I am still feeling really sick and my tummy is really upset. I know I'm not pregnant now that I got my period. Anyways going to the doctor Monday morning. I am going to talk to her about modifast as well since I will be doing the purely modifast thing for 6 weeks instead of the 3 weeks that the page recommends. With my BMI it should not be an issue.

I am up 0.6 lbs today. But it is most likely cause of my period. I always gain a stupid amount of weight during which goes back to normal day or two after it's over, and 0,6 is nothing compared to how much I normally gain. So now I am going to take a break from the scale for a few days but we will see. I have never been able to stay off it!

Still haven't gotten to the gym.. I suck I know.. I just have no energy or will to move being so nauseated all the time..

@ Fedup.. Gl on that.. I haven't really been in mood/shape to do the mental stuff Marisa Peer talks about with the gym stuff yet.. And thanks hon :)

@Child of a pathy.. Thanks :) I am going to try to do the small goals thing,, I just need to get my bum to gym first hehe.. Oh and those boots are very cute.. They kill the feet when you walk for more than 5 mins in them hehe but they sure are cute..

Oh and welcome to the new followers, I don't seem to be able to follow your blogs since I don't always get them up if you haven't linked them to your profile. So feel free to leave the link as a comment so I can check them out :)

And I have a question for you all. Why did you choose the nickname you have on blogger?? I choose Kitty, since it is my nickname irl. My bff started calling me for that years ago.. I think it's more than 10 years ago now.. Cause she says I have a cat like personality. I can be very nice and cozy when I want to, but as soon as something bothers me and makes me upset I go all "catty" and scratch back hehe. And people say I sound like a kitten when I sneeze.. (*sigh* I know)..
So why did you choose yours :) ??

Another 1,5 lbs down!

I am doing really good following the Modifast plan. Day 2 and a total of 5 lbs down is ttly YAY worthy ( as Ulla puts it ^^) hehe. So now it's 5 down 121 to go lol..

I still haven't gotten my bum to the gym, and I have no proper excuse but the fact that BF is pretty "needy" being all sick for ages and that I am just so tired cause I sleep too little cause of it. I have no idea how to just get going.. And yes I should maybe just go even if I don't feel like it and see how it goes.. 

Anywho.. I doubt I will have the same amount of WL all the time. I have heard that you lose a whole lot in the first week and then it slows down, and for keep it going down properly and shape the body I HAVE TO get to the gym. So I will have to do something it to get the motivation to get going. I think when I first get there and get past the first few days that it will be fine. The "problem" will be the first time. 

So today (at work) I am going to look for a lot of  "how to get started" motivation and sett my mind to it. I mean I am now OK with living on the modifast. Last night I was hungry and my tummy was rumbeling.. And Hells kitchen was on TV, and I just had made the BF a thai dish for dinner so the house was smelling so yum..  So instead of giving inn and having a "taste" I just closed my eyes and visualised the "thin me" .. I guess the Marisa Peer books are paying off in other ways than making me sick hehehe. Then I had a HUGE glass of water and enjoyed the feeling of being hungry.. I really really embraced it and loved it.. Is that too weird? It might be, I didn't eat. And I have decided that I am going to keep doing it. So my new rule is: 

"Every time I feel hungry, I will have some cold water and then close my eyes and visualise a thin me, the me that I am proud to show off, the one who can wear anything and shop anywhere"

Maybe I should do the same for the gym. Just decide that I love it, and that I want to go and keep repeating it until I believe it. According to Marisa Peer, you can "program" your self to believe anything. That's why it is so important to not talk down about your self cause if you keep doing it then you will become it. 

Anyways, going to be busy at work the next few hours.. Laters :)

Edit:

Yaay! I got my period! OMG I am soo relieved.. I am so not ready for kids... Thank God! peeeww! ^^

Edit #2:
A tad more relaxed at work now, so I thought I would post a couple of pix from the shoes I got when I was in London.. I have always had an obsession with shoes.. Anyways these are from New Look and they don't cost much at all. The pink ones look much nice¨r IRL than on the pics ^^

Argh tiny pics but meh.. Pretty huh?? and the black ones are so comfo! 

It is probably..

Just water weight.. But I am down freaking 3.5 lbs! And I know that when you are as heavy as I am that those first pounds go down fast but I am very very very happy about the 3.5 lbs! And today I got to taste the chocolate pudding thingi for bfast. OMG!!! It is really CHOCOLATY!!!! It tastes like proper dark chocolate and it has this mousse texture that makes it so yum.. I never thought I do go on a premade low cal diet and still get to "eat" yummy stuff.. And the whole chocolate pudding in the morning is doing wonders for my mood.. I guess I needed my "fix" lol..

On the more disturbing side.. The period is still a no show.. Which is starting to bother me.. But ya I will give it few more days before I hit the panic mode. My tummy is pretty messed up. I am not sure if it is still after effect from the "you can be thin" book/cd, or maybe I got a bug from my BF. Hope it goes over soon. And that is just a bug...

The bf has been sick over a longer period now. He never gets sick, and if he does it normally goes over after like couple of days. It has been lasting over two weeks now and he refuses to go to the doctor.. What is with men that just want to "walk it off"..  I am "forcing" him to the doctors tomorrow if he isn't feeling any better. I did cook him dinner yesterday, but I just made enough for one meal. I made his lunch for today also, but I made something I don't like so I wouldn't get tempted.

We got to know that we are moving to the new office building in the first week of July. And as far as I know they aren't done with the building. They are remodelling and so on. And it isn't done before mid fall sometimes.. So this will be interesting.

Yesterday I managed to drink almost 3l of water. I am aiming for the same today. The modifast requires you to drink 2-2,5 l of water. What I am not sure about is if I can count tea as "water". If that is the case, then I had closer to 3,5 liters of "water" yesterday.

I am planning on going on the modifast until the week before the wedding. That makes it a total of 6 weeks. I am then taking a break from it for 3 weeks for the wedding and the honeymoon. Trying to restrict the intake with normal food. And will see what I am going to do when we get back.

@Ay Elle, fedup, Ullalexie and ChildofApatty :) Thanks for being around and for your kind words. Sometimes I think I would go crazy if I didn't have this blog, <3 you all :)

Edit: I should have never told that guy from work that I was trying Modifast.. Only cause he huge and going for a gastro he thinks he is an expert.. I am following the "how to" from the website and he goes on and on and on about how I should do things.. And who the fuck is he to keep telling me about how to diet.. If he knew what to do, why didn't he do it him self ?? He is soo messed up in the head.. He keeps talking about how he can keep eating bread and indian and so on 6 months after his gastro.. I don't know where he gets his fact from.. But seems like he is ttly wack.. And that he will go back and put the weight right back on again cause has the sickest ideas about what is right. Oh and get this.. He says that the instructions on the site are wrong that when I am doing modifast I should do it his way else I wont get enough calories lol.. He goes on and on and on about how 800 ( which is btw 860-880 cals if you take the 4 bags) is way too little calories and that no one can ever live on it.. I know that living on that amount of calories isn't optimal but I also know of people that get on fine with 500 calories a day. He is sooo caught in his own mind and ideas and so on that he has no eye for anything else.. Argh..... Sorry for the rage edit.. but he really really really bugs me!

Edit:
Just loving this song..

No running today..

My BF is really sick. He has been on and off sick since the day before London.. Now he is running a really high fever. So after work I just went home. Made him something to eat. I am kind of bummed not getting to hit the gym since I had made up my mind, but there is 3 day in the couch 2 5k plan and 7 days in the week. So I am not going to go mental over it. I have done good with the modifast today. From tomorrow I will do it more like this:
Pudding for breakfast (220) , soup for lunch(210), shake for snack(220), and soup for dinner (210). That makes the total intake 860 Calories. Anyways off again.. Laters :)

THE talk!

Today is going to be very very very quite at work. I work for an email marketing Co. Living in Sweden my main customers are from Norway. Today is a Norwegian holiday- while it's a normal work day here in Sweden. Which means I will have NOTHING to do. So most of the day will be going to streaming, blogging and so on. Can't complain.. But ya.. It will be boring.

Anywho.. Last night my BF and I had this long talk. I told him how much I have gained since we got together.. It is insane.. I have gained 33 lbs since I met my BF. And I don't want to blame him, but I eat A LOT more when I am with him. Mostly because I feel like I HAVE TO feed him. And that I have to eat with him, and every time I try to lay off. He goes all emo on me saying I should eat.. Our sex life has been decreasing as time goes, and well those 33 lbs are one of the main reasons why. I told him how sick I feel when I see my self. How I feel when I try to shop.. I love to shop.. I love cloths.. Fashion.. I LOVE shoes.. I can barely wear any of my high heels cause I weigh too much. What is the point of owning like 50 pairs of heels and only wear jogs?

Anyways. We talked and I explained. And he listened. He understand that I shouldn't weigh more than 125 lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my goal of 110 is actually good for my body. That if he loves me, and wants me to be happy he needs to stop asking me to eat all the time, and give up to my cravings. That he HAS to stop surprising me with chocolate ice cream and coockies cause I have a bad day at work. You know he is very sweet and the thought behind it is very sweet. That would be ok if I wasn't twice as big as I should be.  And we came to this agreement. He is now going to make his own meals. I mean he is pro athlete, he has been competing in national team levels. He knows how to feed him self. And stop pushing me to eat. No more "sweet surprises" and no more supporting the cravings. So now I can do whatever I want. Eat whenever I want without having the constant guilty feeling.

I have this co worker that is going to undergo gastro surgery  soon and he has been drinking these "modifast" shakes/soups. They give you around 800-900 calories, depending on what flavour you choose. Now he is really big, but the first he went on them, he was on it for like 3 months and he lost around 80 lbs. Anyways the normal VLCD shakes didn't work for me. Eating around 500 calories really messed up my head. Specially since the shakes tasted so horrid that I was skipping a bunch of them and ended up with like 100-200 calories a day. I went down around 30 pounds in two weeks and then gained it right back and some more right as soon as I fell off the wagon. Anyways seeing that he manages it ( I think he weighs around 500+ lbs) has giving me the push, and modifast is a VLC diet. 800-900 calories isn't that little. I mean reaching my GW I don't need more than 1200 calories so I don't think it's that drastic. And if he can, can I!

So I just went down to the pharmacy that is next to my office and got me a box of the shake, and soup. I will order more from their web site since its much cheaper. And I had the "bfast shake" for like 45 mins ago.
Anywho here is how the Modifast plan will look like:


Breakfast around 0800-0830. Coffee flavoured shake
Lunch around 1200: Either a soup or a shake.
Snack around 1630: Banana shake or a pudding.
Dinner around 1900-1930: Soup or shake depending on the weather.

According to the site you can have one whole or half a shake on the gym days. You could also have fruit if you prefer that. You could also have something with loads of protein in it if you have been doing heavy training. So the smart and fit protein shakes are also a good choice. In addition I have to drink a minimum of 2,5 l of water. I like water and I drink around 1,5-2 l water a day normally, so that wont be such a big problem. I don't know how long I will go on it. They say you shouldn't go on it for more than 3-4 weeks without having a talk with your doctor. I am an appointment with a doctor next Monday, so I will talk to her about it then. With the insanely hight BMI that I have I don't think it will be an issue. The wedding is 7 weeks away, and it will be the honeymoon break from the diet then. Until then I will take one step and day at time.

Today sure is a day for new changes. I have been talking about starting the Couch to 5k program, and I am getting on it today. 3 days a week is a sensible start and I don't want to bite over too much. I have to get in some light weight training for the arms cause of the fibromylagia but that is something that wont be an issue since that is just something I have to do. I also downloaded (Yes I am a horrid person) the P90x Yoga x video and I want to do it during once during the weekend. I think it will do me good.

Oh btw :P This shake/water intake is making me pee like every 30 mins.. The toilets are all the way on the other side of the office- so I have to pass EVERYONE before I get to it lol.. A tiny tad embarrassing, but you  gotta do, what you gotta do lol..

Wish me luck.. Yet again.. I really don't want to be huge. I want to be able to shop freely.. Wear my high heels.. Feel light and tiny.. I remember how it felt.. But it's been years since I felt it..