Been a while..

Gosh, time flies by and I know I have been a horrid blogger...
I just haven't been able to get my self to write cause I have been so disappointed in my self. I have been going back and forth between eating "normal" and LCHF, and those combos just don't work. I have gained around 6lbs and I am not going to let it get out of hand again.

This weekend we had my bff and her family here.. It has been an emotional ride because of her daughter. She is the one with brain cancer and it has just been horrible to see the little angel become a shadow of her former self. Meal times were just a war, cause she is barely able to eat. She got a tube put in through her nose, and they are waiting for the operation to put a button through her belly so she doesn't have to go around with the tube in her nose. I could go on and on about how it was but yeah..

Anywho.. So we took the time to go out, just the two of us and we talked about, well everything. One being my frustration over not being able to decide what to do. You know like which diet to follow ect.. As you know I am one of those diet hoppers.. I keep getting on a off this and that wagon and it needs to stop..

A few years ago, my friend lost around 30kg, which is around 66lbs following a low calorie diet and add 3 days of workout to it. And she was like, you have to remember no matter what you do, it is calories in, calories out. And I think each one of you can agree to that. It doesn't matter how low carb you go, you can even go vegan.. But if you keep binge eating, you will not lose weight.

That is me you know.. Always the binge eater..

That said, I am going to start restricting my calories.. I am going to ignore macros and just focus on the calories. My goal will be 1200 - 1500 calories a day. No food is off limit.. There will be no "cheat days". Just plain counting the calories. I am just so tired of being confused over what I should be doing, so I think this is the best way to go.

I hope everyone is doing fine, and I promise to catch up on blogs asap.

<3

Monday morning.. *yawn*

So I'm back to work.. And it is still vacation mode here. So it's not much to do. But there are a whole new bunch of people starting today. Our company is growing so there are a whole bunch of new employees here. Thinking about work :) I am officially an employee here. My trial contract was out a week ish ago. So this is great ^^

Anyways.. I keep getting AFK here.. Damn work getting in my way of blog time :P . But almost lunch time :)
I have a new plan about what my eating/training days will be like. So this is what I am thinking:

- During work day I will eat couple pieces of fruit where one will be a banana and couple of corn/rice cake. Drink green tea- coffee and water. - If we are going to the gym, I will have a protein shake after. If not then some low fat yoghurt or something similar that is low in calorie. - Work days aren't normally where my problems are.. It is dinner time I need to get a grab on. I am putting down a few rules for dinner time, and these are:

• If I have a "I am starving" day. I will start my meal with a green salad. 
• I will eat only one portion. If I am still hungry I can have an additional portion of veg as a second. 
• I will have my food served- I will use a blue one since so many say it will keep the appetite down, and well blue is pretty.
• I will make my portion on the kitchen counter and not serve all the food on the table. ( For me it's easier to overeat if I everything is just there).. 
• I will only eat oven baked/ grilled/ steamed or cooked food. No frying ( We don't fry our food that often, but still)

- I am aiming to keep my daily calories no more than 1200. But I will be going on a weekly amount of calorie and not daily. I want to be able to work around it for dinners out. So a weekly amount of 8400 per week.
- I will also write down everything I eat in the old fashion way- and punch it in my counter in the end of the day. Most of the times I tend to overeat if I have room in my calorie budget. So I think maybe it's better to calculate it all in the end of the day to prevent that..
- I also am going to only weigh in twice a week. I have put Mondays and Thursdays for that. Once a week is too little for me, I would just ignore. But twice a week should be doable. I didn't get on the scale this morning,  so this week it will be Tuesday and Thursday. - Tonight I am going to take out the measuring tape- and measure up stuff. I am going to keep the numbers and redo it once a month. I think sometimes the scale can be harsher, so I guess it is something to look at when the scale is telling me my work isn't giving results.

Talking about "my work"- I am also aiming to get my butt to the gym 3 times a week. I am not going to aim for too much cause it means I can fail on it. At the gym I want to focus on cardio and light weight training. I also am going to use the couch to 5k to warm up or to finish up or instead of other cardio machines. I don't know how to work it in yet- but it will be there.. I really want to start running. It is one of my "can't do" things.. So I really really want to do it. There is a plan for it for those who want to do it on the treadmill. So it should be doable. I don't really see that much difference in the "normal" and the treadmill version of it.. I have the app on my cellphone so that makes everything much easier.

I am also going to get better on getting in a session on our WiiFitPlus.. We haven't used it yet since we bought it right before the wedding. So tonight I am going to put up the settings and fix it to my numbers. I aim to use it on the  days we don't get to the gym OR maybe I will even try to get up earlier in the mornings and do a before work yoga or something :) I don't know. One step at the time is what I aim for.

Hum... I think that is it for now. Eating less and get moving. That is the most sane way of doing it, isn't it?

As in for more pictures- here are a couple from the church and so on and one from our honeymoon, I will have to revome them before we go to Germany. :)

Edit: Pictures removed

Gotta get off here.. Kaos at work hehe..

<3

The days isn't the same without..

My day isn't really the same without you guys.. I was in pretty much a funk this morning- but then I saw the comment emails on my cellphone- and Ulla dear.. Your comment cheered me up. 

I am so glad that you are feeling better.. I have been really worried about you. Enjoy your time in France- and take good care of you. And don't be too hard on your little sis :) She only ment to do what she thinks is right. Des charges de l'amour <3 (Don't lough at my really poor French, I barely use it anymore)- and ya :P Lets not use meningitis to lose the pounds ^^ 

Yesterday went fine until dinner time. I had some of the food I made for my fiance which I shouldn't have. But even with that I am down 3.5 lbs. Most likely water weight.. I also am done with that time of the month- which means I weigh less. But I am not complaining. 

Last night was really bad. It's been a while since I felt this bad.. I cried for hours.. I have mentioned earlier that I gained loads of weight when I was very young to "protect" my self from my step dad.. That action has had other consequences on my body. I have stretch marks.. Not the ones normal people have on their tummy or ties - I have them on/around my shoulders. My girlfriends/ fiance tell me it doesn't look at horrid as I make it to be but ya.. What I see is what counts, right? 

So I looked into what you can do to cover them- I really hope to avoid wearing a bolero at the wedding since it will be really really warm.. I saw several articles where they recommend using mineral makeup to cover them. After work I went to several places to have a look at it- but none of the people working there knew anything about it.. Which made me feel even more down... I tried on my veil and without any coverage you are able to see the marks.. Look: 

Anyhow.. I had a really bad crash last night over it. I think I will read more about it- and actually one of the powders I tried did work OK.I just have to keep looking I guess.. Does anyone here know anything about these stuff?? So ya... I cried and cried.. And cried.. I have a tad of headache now. And I think it's most likely cause of that.. It makes me wonder though.. Is it "normal" to cry over looks? Apparently most people don't care.. I can't imagine not caring at all.. I mean.. I guess you guys know what I mean.. Don't you? 

Anyways I have thought more about the upcoming weeks. I have a plan for how I am going eat until the wedding. I have thought about the honeymoon. And I think that I will be eating "normal" while we are there. I will eat whatever he is having just less of it. We will be walking around in Rome and Barcelona so we will burn some calories. 

Princess Perfection wrote something in her last post that I have thought about many many times.. Never acted that way though...  She wrote : generally just living and eating as if I am already thin ...

That is what I will be doing while we are away. Think and eat like a skinny person.. 

I have also thought about how things need to be when we get back.. And every time I think about it, my first thought is that I need to get in shape again.. As hard as it is to believe before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgi and was in pain thinking it was my training I was doing really well with kick boxing. Back then I would be training a minimum of 3-4 hours a day. I didn't weigh in anywhere close to what my goal weight is- but I was really fit and pretty tiny.. I remember how much I loved being able to go to big sales and shop and shop cause most things looked good on me.. THAT is where I want to be again. I know I can not go back to kick boxing cause of my arms but I want to get back to that shape. Have you guys seen the super size vs super skinny episode with Amy Jo?? I LOVE her body.. She is just so perfect..

I think I will be following Rusty's visual impact for woman  .. I mean I already got the plan.. But will see.. Anyways I am off for now :) <3 

Edit: 

Tick tack..

So erm.. I have been at work for less than 1,5 hours and I was done with all I had to do for eerrm 1 hour ago :P This day will be looooonnnnnggggg!!!!! But then again there is only this week of work again and I will be off getting ready for the married life and honeymoon...
My fiance has this week off as well and I have put him on the cleaning duty lol .. It has been so messy at our place lately so ya .. Atleast he wont be bored hehe..
I got to recalculate the "crash diet" numbers. And it is actually less than what I thought it would be. The protein shakes contain 103 calories per serving, so that is 206 calories. I normally have the portion packed broccoli packs- those are 30 calories each. A portion of salmon or chicken filet are around 150 calories each. So that is 386. Having a tad of olive oil or something will make it around 400 tops. Lets say there are few calories in my coffee and so on- it should not be over 450 calories per day.
Anyways.. I guess I will go and stream some..

<3

Pre wedding crash diet..

Hope you all have had a great weekend so far :) Mine has been Ok. We were out on family stuff all day yesterday.. And we finally got to watch the last Harry Potter movie.. I didn't enjoy the movie that much since this fucktard of a dude was sitting next to me... He had almost half his elbow over to my sit and he kept shouting stuff in his stupid language over.. When he wasn't pissing out those he kept saying "fucking cunt childrens movie" .. I mean come on.. Who the hell forced you to watch it.. Argh... Ah well.. I have read the books.. But it sure was annoying..
I skipped updating my weight on Friday since I just got my period again.. and I always gain when I have it.. The first few days are stupidly weird.. I have updated the meter according to it but I am not really bothering with it. It normally goes back to normal couple days after my period is over.
Anyways, I had yet another of my wedding weird dreams.. In this one my dress was really tight.. I couldn't breath.. It was really bad.. I remember the feeling of being out of air.. I woke up and I have had one thought in my head ever since.. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.. Ok ok.. It is exactly 12 days left until the wedding date and I am going on a crash diet.
I have read about this diet before. Never really done it. What I will basicly do is that I will have a protein shake for breakfast- another one for lunch- dinner will be either salad or green veg with some oven made chicken/fish. The diet will be low on calories and carbs. This combo should give big numbers and results until the wedding day. I calculated a tad- having two shakes and a salmon filet and some veg would be around 600 calories and like 5-6 grams of carbs. If I was to have chicken or white fish instead it will be even less calories so i think 600-700 is the right number area.
This will probably effect my mood.. But to be honest, I don't care. I want to be able to breath properly in my dress lol.. The idea is freaking me out..
We also bought a Wii fit plus today. Didn't get to put it out and try it out but I am really looking forward to play around with it :)
Erm.. What else... Ah ya.. We looked at a new flat today. We bought the one we live in now when I moved here from Oslo, but we are looking into buying one with more space and more bedrooms. A guest room is something we really need specially since all my family and friends live abroad. The flat we saw today had loads of potential so we will see.
Anyways I am off for now.. Thanks for all your comments on my last post , I know you are all right.. The most important thing is that we can talk about it and he understand why I worry so much.. And OMG Nasimiyu I got ALL your comments on mail lol ^^ Funny how you couldn't make it on the blog- but I kept getting them on mail lol

Glad it worked now though <3

Anyone wants to join me on my 2 shake and a "salad" diet starting tomorrow ending the 29th ?

A way back to me..

Thanks for listening to my insane ranting yesterday. And I want to give a special thank to FedUp. You are right.. I am losing my self in the wedding madness and I am not enjoying the process at all.
I am going to just take it as it comes now. Most of the things are done. The few details that are messed up... Well it is how it is. The day will be great. I seem to have forgotten that the reason for all this madness is my amazing fiance. The kindest man I know of. The one who puts me first. And I seem to keep forgetting this madness isn't just effecting me, but it is effecting him as well. So enough is enough. I know there isn't anything we can not deal with together, and this day shouldn't be an stressful event. People around us are all looking forward to this- so should I.
And dear Mia :) You are right.. The day will be perfect no matter how many details get messed up. I will just ignore the many many details and focus on the main thing.. My very handsome husband to be :)
@Nele, Thanks love. The rings are very pretty- they just messed up the placing of the diamonds. I returned my ring yesterday for them to fix it. I am awaiting a call from them today- So lets keep them crossed.
@Eowin, hope you can use the tips- that site is filled with loads of info. :)

Yesterday I was looking over my blog and thinking about how this all started. About how I keep forgetting that I am much stronger that I seem to be. I have lived through a whole lot of shit- so why I am acting like I can't do things now? Taking the "easy" way has never been an option for me. I have been proud over working hard for the things I have. So why don't I do it with my body? Working hard for having the body I want instead of taking the short cuts looking for fast/easy ways out.. We all know- having a great body takes work. A whole lot of work. I has taken me years to put on all the fat- why do I think I can get it all off in matter of few weeks/months?

And I was thinking. One of the reasons why I have been so tired and cranky and on the edge is most likely the fact that I am not hitting the gym. I haven't been training for errm.. Lets see around 2 months now.. My body is messed up and that is one of the reasons why. That is a fact that I can not ignore.
So today after work- that is what I am going to do. I am going to get my act together and get my lazy bum to the gym. I will work around the things we need to do. Even 30 mins will be way better than nothing.

Another thing that really got to me is something on read on FedUp's last post. She said this: " I'm going on Vacation next month and I DO NOT want to come home 5 lbs heavier or worse and have to deal with damage control mode.  I HATE damage control mode.  I prefer maintenance mode thank you very much."
And OMG .. She is so right.. I on the other hand always think "oh I am going on vacation- I can eat what ever I want- and if I gain, then I gain" .. This my butterflies is one of the reasons why there is around 100 lbs difference between her and I.. She took her time- and lost the weight. She keeps it under control. Doesn't matter if she is on vacation- or if it is some sort of holidays.

So changes that I will be making from today are :

• I will go to the gym or exercise even if it is for only 30 mins.
• I will restrict my calorie intake- 10 calories per lbs of my target weight = 1200 calories. ( I am using the numbers from Rusty's blog- fitnessblackbook.com )
• I will save calories during the week for the weekends or dinners out.
• I will keep it low carb- but eating more of the good carbs like fruit
• I aim to not gain any weight on vacations/holidays.

And this is how it is for now. I think it sounds like a good solid plan. Then I don't get the meat sickness. I wont fill overly fed. I will be able to eat fruit which doesn't mess up my tummy. And then it can take as long as it needs to take. This way I can stick to it being on our honeymoon.
I have 112 lbs to go for my GW- I aim to lose couple of pounds per week- which isn't unrealistic at all. And this means I should be able to get the weight off in a year. And lets face it. A year might seem really long but it really isn't. Time flies by.

Anyways I am going to end this wall of text. Laters <3

This is what I am thinking about doing..

Thanks for all your wonderful comments and ideas girls. I do agree with you about having more realistic plans and idea about how much I can lose. And I shouldn't put my self up to fail.
@Kes: I am not sure if I want to involve a doctor yet. I have a hard time finding one I can trust with my Fibromylgi and until I haven't find one I can talk to about that, I don't want to talk to them about anything else either. It is maybe silly, but their idiot comments makes me feel horrid and that normally ends up in a b/p session.. But I am not going to even think about getting pregnant until I feel like I can deal with it. I am glad to say that we don't have money worries, since both me and my BF are in very well paid positions but everything else is just a tad too much to think about atm. Thanks for all your wise words <3
@FedUp: Ya I will have a chat with him.. I do have the baby cravings from time to time, but we are not ready for it. Our relationship is pretty new, and I want us to have the "lover" time before we even think about becoming  parents. So I will have yet another talk with him when the time is right. I just have to figure out when..
@Princess Perfection: I think I could aim for more to start with since I have so much to lose.. To be patient is not something I have ever been good at.. Thanks for all your support hon <3
@AJ: Thanks hon, I will be careful. And I already have the moodswings lol so ya :)
@Aye Ell: I tried Atkins once and had amazing results on it. But it made me really sick.. I was using many of the Atkins products so they could be the reason for why I was feeling ill all the time. But I am thinking about going back on a low carb diet after out honeymoon. It sure was the only diet I lost a bunch of weight on and it sure is worth it.
@ Seeking Something Else: I read that post, She does have a valid point there. And it is similar to what Rusty's plan is too. I want to do something like that when I have shed off some weight. I just feel like I need to lose some first. And then go from there :)
@ChildOfApathy: Thanks hon <3
@Ulla: You are just too kind :) I wish I had the faith hehe.. I am going to try something like that for now.. I will put more details about it <3
@Mia: Good to hear that it worked now :) Noen måtte flytte . og siden jeg fikk en bra jobb tilbud her ble det til at jeg tok sjansen.. Men takk :) Det var ikke lett å reise fra mine venner.. men men. Er ikke lange veien til Norge hehe

Now for the details around it. I have a bunch of Modifast products and I am planning to use them up before I hit a low carb plan. And they are tasty and easy to keep control with . What I want to do is to keep using them until the wedding. The plan is to have 4 packs a day (880 cals/ each pack has 220 cals)- I want to do it like this:
Mondays and Thursdays: 2 packs
Tuesdays and Fridays: 3 packs
Wednesdays and Saturdays: 4 packs
Sundays Normal food with calorie restriction- Max of 1300 (That would be my GW BMR)
I am going to eat veg and fruit in addition to modifast. More veg than fruit to keep the calories low and to keep the hunger away. I will however put a max level of 1300 on all days just to be on the safe side.
After the wedding and honeymoon (Or after I run out of the modifast stuff) I will either do the Low carb- or the BMR plan. I am not sure which yet. I have to think about it. I have never been a big meat eater and I have been sort of sick of it lately, which makes the low carb plan sort of impossible to keep up. So I have to think about it.

I am actually playing with the idea of going Flexitarian for a while so I might just do that. I got this book called the flexitarian diet which gives you a full eating plan all counted and ready to make. It's weekly based and you can swap the meals from what you like the most. If you eat the 3 main meals you end up with 1200 cals per day. You can add a snack or two if you wish, each snack has around 300 cals. So that is also an option. It also contains weekly shopping lists which makes it even easier. So that is something I am really looking into. And since I am feeling pretty sick of meat lately, it might be the way to go.

My main problem at the moment is during the off days. Having the BF around and slacking at home = overeating.. That is why I feel like I have to have those days planned properly and have a day with "normal" food so I have something to look forward to.

So this will be a short term plan until I figure out what to do when we get back, it isn't really that extreme is it? I guess I sort of panicked when he laid it down like that..  But I think he will understand if I talk to him about it. He is really a great guy who listens. Most of the time hehe..

Lets see what else.. Ah ya. We have decided what we are going to serve at the wedding. Starters will be Carpaccio with some salad and bread. Main is going to be roasted duck breast with veg and roasted potatoes with the most amazing ginger gravy. I have never ever ever tasted a gravy that was soo yum.. Ever.. Dessert will be this yummy lime/lemon mousse with berries..

Anyways, I am going to end this wall of text for now. I might edit it more later.. Seems to be one of those "dead" days at work hehe.. Wish you all a great day. <3 And again. Thanks for all your support.

So how about this...

I have been thinking,, Maybe a tad too much.. About how I manage to stay off food during my work days- and then overeat at nights.Or how I keep eating more and more during the weekends.I have also been thinking about  life in general. About my future.. About how I wish I could be.. We had the talk.. My BF and I.. Talked about our future.. Kids.. I have been telling him that we should wait. And I have told him that I want to get thin before we try it.. Anyways.. Next year.. That's when we will get serious about it. I'm not sure if I am ready for it yet.. I'm not sure if we should.. I mean.. I am a mess.. My family is a mess.. I know that I wont become like my mom.. I know what I don't want. I know what I wish to be.. Before anything I want to be thin.. And January next year isn't leaving me that much time.
We are almost at the end of June.. That leaves me 6 months till end of this year.. 6 months to lose over 120 lbs.. That is insane.. How am I going to do that? Is that even possible? 20 lbs per month??
I am thinking about 500 calories per day during week days and 900-1000 during weekend. I will ofc keep using my modifast things till I am out of them. I will figure out what to do after.. Is it doable? How much will I be able to get rid of? Can I do it? Do I have the will.. Can I manage? I will count everything.. Everything.. I need a new sett of mind.. I need the will power.. Any tips.. Ideas.. Feel free to tell.. I am open to almost everything.

I ♥ you all...

Thank you so much for the comments you all left on my post yesterday. I was feeling really bad.. And your comments made me feel better and stronger. After the post I had me a good loooong cry and you know what?? I am going to show him he is wrong. He is NOT going to bring me down to his level.. And you guys are right.. He is just trying to make me feel horrid to make him self feel better..
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.

Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self  "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.

I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..

Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.

Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3

THE talk!

Today is going to be very very very quite at work. I work for an email marketing Co. Living in Sweden my main customers are from Norway. Today is a Norwegian holiday- while it's a normal work day here in Sweden. Which means I will have NOTHING to do. So most of the day will be going to streaming, blogging and so on. Can't complain.. But ya.. It will be boring.

Anywho.. Last night my BF and I had this long talk. I told him how much I have gained since we got together.. It is insane.. I have gained 33 lbs since I met my BF. And I don't want to blame him, but I eat A LOT more when I am with him. Mostly because I feel like I HAVE TO feed him. And that I have to eat with him, and every time I try to lay off. He goes all emo on me saying I should eat.. Our sex life has been decreasing as time goes, and well those 33 lbs are one of the main reasons why. I told him how sick I feel when I see my self. How I feel when I try to shop.. I love to shop.. I love cloths.. Fashion.. I LOVE shoes.. I can barely wear any of my high heels cause I weigh too much. What is the point of owning like 50 pairs of heels and only wear jogs?

Anyways. We talked and I explained. And he listened. He understand that I shouldn't weigh more than 125 lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my goal of 110 is actually good for my body. That if he loves me, and wants me to be happy he needs to stop asking me to eat all the time, and give up to my cravings. That he HAS to stop surprising me with chocolate ice cream and coockies cause I have a bad day at work. You know he is very sweet and the thought behind it is very sweet. That would be ok if I wasn't twice as big as I should be.  And we came to this agreement. He is now going to make his own meals. I mean he is pro athlete, he has been competing in national team levels. He knows how to feed him self. And stop pushing me to eat. No more "sweet surprises" and no more supporting the cravings. So now I can do whatever I want. Eat whenever I want without having the constant guilty feeling.

I have this co worker that is going to undergo gastro surgery  soon and he has been drinking these "modifast" shakes/soups. They give you around 800-900 calories, depending on what flavour you choose. Now he is really big, but the first he went on them, he was on it for like 3 months and he lost around 80 lbs. Anyways the normal VLCD shakes didn't work for me. Eating around 500 calories really messed up my head. Specially since the shakes tasted so horrid that I was skipping a bunch of them and ended up with like 100-200 calories a day. I went down around 30 pounds in two weeks and then gained it right back and some more right as soon as I fell off the wagon. Anyways seeing that he manages it ( I think he weighs around 500+ lbs) has giving me the push, and modifast is a VLC diet. 800-900 calories isn't that little. I mean reaching my GW I don't need more than 1200 calories so I don't think it's that drastic. And if he can, can I!

So I just went down to the pharmacy that is next to my office and got me a box of the shake, and soup. I will order more from their web site since its much cheaper. And I had the "bfast shake" for like 45 mins ago.
Anywho here is how the Modifast plan will look like:


Breakfast around 0800-0830. Coffee flavoured shake
Lunch around 1200: Either a soup or a shake.
Snack around 1630: Banana shake or a pudding.
Dinner around 1900-1930: Soup or shake depending on the weather.

According to the site you can have one whole or half a shake on the gym days. You could also have fruit if you prefer that. You could also have something with loads of protein in it if you have been doing heavy training. So the smart and fit protein shakes are also a good choice. In addition I have to drink a minimum of 2,5 l of water. I like water and I drink around 1,5-2 l water a day normally, so that wont be such a big problem. I don't know how long I will go on it. They say you shouldn't go on it for more than 3-4 weeks without having a talk with your doctor. I am an appointment with a doctor next Monday, so I will talk to her about it then. With the insanely hight BMI that I have I don't think it will be an issue. The wedding is 7 weeks away, and it will be the honeymoon break from the diet then. Until then I will take one step and day at time.

Today sure is a day for new changes. I have been talking about starting the Couch to 5k program, and I am getting on it today. 3 days a week is a sensible start and I don't want to bite over too much. I have to get in some light weight training for the arms cause of the fibromylagia but that is something that wont be an issue since that is just something I have to do. I also downloaded (Yes I am a horrid person) the P90x Yoga x video and I want to do it during once during the weekend. I think it will do me good.

Oh btw :P This shake/water intake is making me pee like every 30 mins.. The toilets are all the way on the other side of the office- so I have to pass EVERYONE before I get to it lol.. A tiny tad embarrassing, but you  gotta do, what you gotta do lol..

Wish me luck.. Yet again.. I really don't want to be huge. I want to be able to shop freely.. Wear my high heels.. Feel light and tiny.. I remember how it felt.. But it's been years since I felt it..

Too tired to function..

I'm soooo tired today. My BF and I have been sick since the last day in London. He has been running a fever and I have had a really upset tummy. And its been raining for days.. The weather is soo humid and it is doing "wonders" for my hair.. I have been drying and using the flat iron on it but it curls up after like 10 mins.. I'm not joking.. There are curls standing out from every corner of my head :S And on top of that.. The humid weather is killing my joints.. The pain is horrid.. My whole body is in such an unbalanced state.. But I am back to work.. I couldn't take any more days off. I haven't been to work for days and it doesn't look so good since I'm still on my  trial contract. 

Anywho... I have been rereading the "you can be thin" book and I have made up couple pages with the main pointers of it. I understand its view and I agree on almost everything. There is one thing that I don't understand and its kind of making me panic.. No calorie counting?? I mean I know if you are eating what is right for your body you will have a healthy body and you will lose weight and so on. But no counting at all?? The idea is kind of freaking me out and I hate the idea of not knowing how much I am getting in me. It is probably wrong way of thinking, and I know I should be able to stop when I have had enough, but not knowing the numbers is really :S I have used this  calculator and this BMR calculator. For my current weight the calories needed for maintenance is 2111 and for fatloss: 1866. For my GW it is 1439 for maintenance, 1151 for fat loss and 880 for extreme fat loss. The BMR of my current weight is 1834 and my GW BMR is 1296. So I think a calorie intake goal of 1200 is a sensible goal specially since nuts and seed can have high calories. 

I know I should maybe nvm the counting and just do what she does, but knowing the calories gives me this sort of control, and I am a control freak. The numbers also motivate me and make it easier for me to stop when I have had my calories. With the "whole" foods it will be easier to keep the numbers in control. 

Anyways.. Over to something different, I think I have finally found the saloon for my wedding updo and makeup. I just got off the phone with them and they should call me back soon with details about when we can have the trial. I am still not sure about how I want it, but I think I want some hair to somehow frame my face and a side split (if that even makes sense)... Something like this would work: 

I was thinking about getting more extentions inn and make it long and go with it down, but I get sooo warm wearing my dress now only for few mins, that I can not imagine how it would feel like wearing the hair down AND have the dress in the middle of summer hehe. So I think updo is the way to go. I still am not sure if I will use the veil. I guess it depends on the hair. 

Change of subject again. I need to figure out what to do about my lunch meals. I am thinking about having a banana and 10 almonds. I hate having to take food in lunch box with me and I really can't be bothered trying to figure out the calorie content of premade salads and so on. It doesn't taste good and it doesn't cost too much compared for how much you could make your self making the salad at home.

I think I am just going to publish this post. I have been trying to write it since 9 this morning and its 4PM now :P Oh and I think I have found a new baker for the wedding! 

Laters <3 

Feeling better today..

I am feeling much better today. I'm down 2 lbs which is good. And I feel lighter since yesterdays intake was a total 534 calories. I still didn't make it to gym, but I am not panicking over that. There is a lot going on that we need to have done for the wedding. It is around 9 weeks left now. I have been watching a whole lot of you tube at work lately.. And yesterday I was watching Super skinny me, and I know giving diet tips isn't what they were aiming for. But one of the girls that is almost my hight managed to get down 5 dress sizes in 5 weeks. 

One of the things she did was to do work out 2 hours per day. So that is what I am aiming for from next week. 2 hours of cardio per day 5 days a week. Who knows, maybe I will be able to get down 4-5 dress sizes by my wedding day. I mean 5 weeks of that amount of training is doable. I don't mind having my dress fitted to a smaller size. 

As Fed Up said yesterday, I think I have really reached my "I HAVE TO DO THIS" limit. I have been having so many "down" days lately that it is effecting my relationship. So now I'm just gonna do it..

Stay or move?? Thin or fat??

There are a few things that are giving me sleepless nights. The wedding details are going well. Most of it is planned, and I am starting to look more and more forward to it. On that note, I am feeling more and more lonely. I miss my friends in Oslo. I really really feel alone. I have no girl friends, and my bf doesn't really have any couple friends. The one guy that has a gf, well she is 10 years younger than me.. And she is very special..
I really enjoy my coworkers, but my team is me and 10 guys.. They are very nice and such.. But they are all so "wanna be macho" and so on.. I can't go shoe shopping with them :(
After my BFF was here.. I have been feeling even more alone.. It was so nice to have her around ( even with the munching ) ... My friends back in oslo are all in my age range.. All are couples now.. Are married/ or are to be married.. Live together.. Have kid/ want kids.. You get the idea..
If we are to have kids.. They will have so many kids to be around. So many that we already know they can grow up with.. I know.. I know.. The kids will have friends and such later on anyways.. But ya.. I guess I am reading too much into it cause I feel alone.. I have been having too much time on my hands the last few days.. Being home sick from work.. I guess that's why its all a tad too much...

Anyways, I was chatting to a friend and what she said made sense. I think one of the reasons, maybe the main reason why I can't stick to a diet is cause I restrict what I can eat, instead of just restricting the calories. I think thats why I always go on a "binge" when I first have a bite of one of the "forbidden" foods. Maybe instead of restricting everything I should just focus on calories and fat. Restrict those and go from there? Anyways I dunno. I think its worth the try.

Back from Prague...

Prague was nice.. The weather was amazing.. We got alot of sun and walked a whole lot.. And we ate... and ate.. and ate.. and ate.. And then we ate some more.. And when that was done.. We got the dessert....

I don't think I have ever been fed this much ever in my life.. Anywho... Last weeks emo binge.. Along with a weekend of fatty food I have reached my all time high.. I have never ever ever been this fat before.. 

NOTHING fits.. And no fucking way I am even gonna try on wedding dresses looking like this.. So todays weight was 231 lbs... Anyways... I have decided that this time I will not just sit and have yet another emo binge over this shit.. Instead I am gonna just stop.. I am going on a liquid diet from today. I am not gonna call it for a liquid fast cause I will have some VLCD shakes and that is sort of food. But nothing solid.. 

I am gonna put the calorie restriction to 700 calories per day.. And this is how it will be until end of May. I didn't have any clean cloths for the gym today (( or anything nice for work for that matter.. Hello ms fat )) ... Laundry today.. So I will be back in the gym tomorrow. I will keep my focus on cardio.. And hoping to be in shape for HIIT soon.. I am not gonna aim for too much though.. I want to keep it real.. Hehe.. That is not a funny thought.. "Keep it real" lol.. Right.. If stuff had been real in my head. It wouldn't have gone this far. 

Anyways.. Wish me luck.. And I must admit.. I am really looking forward to the empty feeling.. You know what I mean?? The feeling of not having anything in you.. When water becomes filling and you go on these amazing coffee rushes... 

Wish me luck.. I know I need it..