*yawn*

OMG I am so sleepy today.. I don't understand how people can sleep for 3-4 hours and keep going. Even 6 hours is most of the times too little for me.. But last night it was way too little sleep. I couldn't sleep. And it ended up with me talking to my bf about my ex.. lol I know I know.. But I am going to explain why.
My ex was the first from any guy I have ever dated that I was in love with.. I was head over hills.. We were together for 1,5 years ish- which isn't one of my longest relationships but it was an intense relationship. He was Dutch living in Netherlands- so we met once every 4-8 weeks but then a week or two at the time.
He is finishing up his masters so it ended up with me doing most of the travels and paying for most of things.. And I didn't really mind. I loved him and I wanted to be close to him. At some point we decided to move closer. He started looking into doing his internship in Norway and I started looking for jobs in NL. And then I got this great job offer.. So I had to made a decision.. We had a long talk and I gave a notice to my work and to the people I was renting my flat from. I called him minutes before I was delivering my notice at work and he was all "oh I love you.. we can do this.. Just do it" .. So I trusted him.. Being foolish.. Being naive and in love..
He came to visit me around 3 weeks before the move. And guess what.. The night before he was going to leave, he dumped me.And his reason was "it doesn't feel right" .. lol.. I can not even explain how I crashed.. I had nothing.. No job.. No place to live.. No plan.. No nothing. And the idea of going on with the moving plans just made me more sick.. So I stayed trying to clean up the mess I had ended up in. Him leaving and going on with his life..
I got keep my flat- and I got to keep my job part time. This happened for 13,5 months ago.. I met my current BF online.. And in a game.. Have you heard about world of  warcraft?? Yes I was a huge geek.. Anyways what happened was that he annoyed me so much that I ttly flipped. And that is how our relationship started hehe.. We started talking and we never stopped.. He came to visit me that weekend.. I warned him that I was crushed and not ready for something new but he didn't want to take a no for an answer. And I am so glad he didn't.. Our wedding is actually going to be on our first year anniversary.. So things have been moving forward  really fast.. And I am the happiest I could ever be.. He is more than what I could even wish for.. BUT this means that I never got to deal with my feelings.
My relationship with the Dutch was over mid May. I wasn't able to do anything but crying my eyes out for 3- 4 weeks, I don't deal with losing control too well and this made me crash.. I started cleaning up the mess I was left in Mid June- and I got to know my current BF in beginning of July. I flipped on him 2-3 weeks later.. And we met the 30th of July..
I still think about my ex from time to time.. I know he is a jerk and doesn't deserve my thoughts.. But he was my first true love.. I have loads of friends in Netherlands.. Some are his friends. So I guess he has heard about me getting married.. Ah I don't know what I am ranting about even.. It isn't like I look back.. Or I want him back.. Or anything.. I just never understood why.. How could he change his mind like that.. And no there is no other girl.. Cause I would know.. Some of his friends are more loyal to me than him lol..
I guess I am just thinking about all my past relationships now before the wedding and that is why I have been thinking of him..
My friend sang this song to me when I was on my lowest.. She has the most amazing voice.. So this song got stuck with me.. Nvm the silly clip.. I couldn't find one with proper sound than this one..

Another 1,5 lbs down!

I am doing really good following the Modifast plan. Day 2 and a total of 5 lbs down is ttly YAY worthy ( as Ulla puts it ^^) hehe. So now it's 5 down 121 to go lol..

I still haven't gotten my bum to the gym, and I have no proper excuse but the fact that BF is pretty "needy" being all sick for ages and that I am just so tired cause I sleep too little cause of it. I have no idea how to just get going.. And yes I should maybe just go even if I don't feel like it and see how it goes.. 

Anywho.. I doubt I will have the same amount of WL all the time. I have heard that you lose a whole lot in the first week and then it slows down, and for keep it going down properly and shape the body I HAVE TO get to the gym. So I will have to do something it to get the motivation to get going. I think when I first get there and get past the first few days that it will be fine. The "problem" will be the first time. 

So today (at work) I am going to look for a lot of  "how to get started" motivation and sett my mind to it. I mean I am now OK with living on the modifast. Last night I was hungry and my tummy was rumbeling.. And Hells kitchen was on TV, and I just had made the BF a thai dish for dinner so the house was smelling so yum..  So instead of giving inn and having a "taste" I just closed my eyes and visualised the "thin me" .. I guess the Marisa Peer books are paying off in other ways than making me sick hehehe. Then I had a HUGE glass of water and enjoyed the feeling of being hungry.. I really really embraced it and loved it.. Is that too weird? It might be, I didn't eat. And I have decided that I am going to keep doing it. So my new rule is: 

"Every time I feel hungry, I will have some cold water and then close my eyes and visualise a thin me, the me that I am proud to show off, the one who can wear anything and shop anywhere"

Maybe I should do the same for the gym. Just decide that I love it, and that I want to go and keep repeating it until I believe it. According to Marisa Peer, you can "program" your self to believe anything. That's why it is so important to not talk down about your self cause if you keep doing it then you will become it. 

Anyways, going to be busy at work the next few hours.. Laters :)

Edit:

Yaay! I got my period! OMG I am soo relieved.. I am so not ready for kids... Thank God! peeeww! ^^

Edit #2:
A tad more relaxed at work now, so I thought I would post a couple of pix from the shoes I got when I was in London.. I have always had an obsession with shoes.. Anyways these are from New Look and they don't cost much at all. The pink ones look much nice¨r IRL than on the pics ^^

Argh tiny pics but meh.. Pretty huh?? and the black ones are so comfo! 

It is probably..

Just water weight.. But I am down freaking 3.5 lbs! And I know that when you are as heavy as I am that those first pounds go down fast but I am very very very happy about the 3.5 lbs! And today I got to taste the chocolate pudding thingi for bfast. OMG!!! It is really CHOCOLATY!!!! It tastes like proper dark chocolate and it has this mousse texture that makes it so yum.. I never thought I do go on a premade low cal diet and still get to "eat" yummy stuff.. And the whole chocolate pudding in the morning is doing wonders for my mood.. I guess I needed my "fix" lol..

On the more disturbing side.. The period is still a no show.. Which is starting to bother me.. But ya I will give it few more days before I hit the panic mode. My tummy is pretty messed up. I am not sure if it is still after effect from the "you can be thin" book/cd, or maybe I got a bug from my BF. Hope it goes over soon. And that is just a bug...

The bf has been sick over a longer period now. He never gets sick, and if he does it normally goes over after like couple of days. It has been lasting over two weeks now and he refuses to go to the doctor.. What is with men that just want to "walk it off"..  I am "forcing" him to the doctors tomorrow if he isn't feeling any better. I did cook him dinner yesterday, but I just made enough for one meal. I made his lunch for today also, but I made something I don't like so I wouldn't get tempted.

We got to know that we are moving to the new office building in the first week of July. And as far as I know they aren't done with the building. They are remodelling and so on. And it isn't done before mid fall sometimes.. So this will be interesting.

Yesterday I managed to drink almost 3l of water. I am aiming for the same today. The modifast requires you to drink 2-2,5 l of water. What I am not sure about is if I can count tea as "water". If that is the case, then I had closer to 3,5 liters of "water" yesterday.

I am planning on going on the modifast until the week before the wedding. That makes it a total of 6 weeks. I am then taking a break from it for 3 weeks for the wedding and the honeymoon. Trying to restrict the intake with normal food. And will see what I am going to do when we get back.

@Ay Elle, fedup, Ullalexie and ChildofApatty :) Thanks for being around and for your kind words. Sometimes I think I would go crazy if I didn't have this blog, <3 you all :)

Edit: I should have never told that guy from work that I was trying Modifast.. Only cause he huge and going for a gastro he thinks he is an expert.. I am following the "how to" from the website and he goes on and on and on about how I should do things.. And who the fuck is he to keep telling me about how to diet.. If he knew what to do, why didn't he do it him self ?? He is soo messed up in the head.. He keeps talking about how he can keep eating bread and indian and so on 6 months after his gastro.. I don't know where he gets his fact from.. But seems like he is ttly wack.. And that he will go back and put the weight right back on again cause has the sickest ideas about what is right. Oh and get this.. He says that the instructions on the site are wrong that when I am doing modifast I should do it his way else I wont get enough calories lol.. He goes on and on and on about how 800 ( which is btw 860-880 cals if you take the 4 bags) is way too little calories and that no one can ever live on it.. I know that living on that amount of calories isn't optimal but I also know of people that get on fine with 500 calories a day. He is sooo caught in his own mind and ideas and so on that he has no eye for anything else.. Argh..... Sorry for the rage edit.. but he really really really bugs me!

Edit:
Just loving this song..

THE talk!

Today is going to be very very very quite at work. I work for an email marketing Co. Living in Sweden my main customers are from Norway. Today is a Norwegian holiday- while it's a normal work day here in Sweden. Which means I will have NOTHING to do. So most of the day will be going to streaming, blogging and so on. Can't complain.. But ya.. It will be boring.

Anywho.. Last night my BF and I had this long talk. I told him how much I have gained since we got together.. It is insane.. I have gained 33 lbs since I met my BF. And I don't want to blame him, but I eat A LOT more when I am with him. Mostly because I feel like I HAVE TO feed him. And that I have to eat with him, and every time I try to lay off. He goes all emo on me saying I should eat.. Our sex life has been decreasing as time goes, and well those 33 lbs are one of the main reasons why. I told him how sick I feel when I see my self. How I feel when I try to shop.. I love to shop.. I love cloths.. Fashion.. I LOVE shoes.. I can barely wear any of my high heels cause I weigh too much. What is the point of owning like 50 pairs of heels and only wear jogs?

Anyways. We talked and I explained. And he listened. He understand that I shouldn't weigh more than 125 lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my goal of 110 is actually good for my body. That if he loves me, and wants me to be happy he needs to stop asking me to eat all the time, and give up to my cravings. That he HAS to stop surprising me with chocolate ice cream and coockies cause I have a bad day at work. You know he is very sweet and the thought behind it is very sweet. That would be ok if I wasn't twice as big as I should be.  And we came to this agreement. He is now going to make his own meals. I mean he is pro athlete, he has been competing in national team levels. He knows how to feed him self. And stop pushing me to eat. No more "sweet surprises" and no more supporting the cravings. So now I can do whatever I want. Eat whenever I want without having the constant guilty feeling.

I have this co worker that is going to undergo gastro surgery  soon and he has been drinking these "modifast" shakes/soups. They give you around 800-900 calories, depending on what flavour you choose. Now he is really big, but the first he went on them, he was on it for like 3 months and he lost around 80 lbs. Anyways the normal VLCD shakes didn't work for me. Eating around 500 calories really messed up my head. Specially since the shakes tasted so horrid that I was skipping a bunch of them and ended up with like 100-200 calories a day. I went down around 30 pounds in two weeks and then gained it right back and some more right as soon as I fell off the wagon. Anyways seeing that he manages it ( I think he weighs around 500+ lbs) has giving me the push, and modifast is a VLC diet. 800-900 calories isn't that little. I mean reaching my GW I don't need more than 1200 calories so I don't think it's that drastic. And if he can, can I!

So I just went down to the pharmacy that is next to my office and got me a box of the shake, and soup. I will order more from their web site since its much cheaper. And I had the "bfast shake" for like 45 mins ago.
Anywho here is how the Modifast plan will look like:


Breakfast around 0800-0830. Coffee flavoured shake
Lunch around 1200: Either a soup or a shake.
Snack around 1630: Banana shake or a pudding.
Dinner around 1900-1930: Soup or shake depending on the weather.

According to the site you can have one whole or half a shake on the gym days. You could also have fruit if you prefer that. You could also have something with loads of protein in it if you have been doing heavy training. So the smart and fit protein shakes are also a good choice. In addition I have to drink a minimum of 2,5 l of water. I like water and I drink around 1,5-2 l water a day normally, so that wont be such a big problem. I don't know how long I will go on it. They say you shouldn't go on it for more than 3-4 weeks without having a talk with your doctor. I am an appointment with a doctor next Monday, so I will talk to her about it then. With the insanely hight BMI that I have I don't think it will be an issue. The wedding is 7 weeks away, and it will be the honeymoon break from the diet then. Until then I will take one step and day at time.

Today sure is a day for new changes. I have been talking about starting the Couch to 5k program, and I am getting on it today. 3 days a week is a sensible start and I don't want to bite over too much. I have to get in some light weight training for the arms cause of the fibromylagia but that is something that wont be an issue since that is just something I have to do. I also downloaded (Yes I am a horrid person) the P90x Yoga x video and I want to do it during once during the weekend. I think it will do me good.

Oh btw :P This shake/water intake is making me pee like every 30 mins.. The toilets are all the way on the other side of the office- so I have to pass EVERYONE before I get to it lol.. A tiny tad embarrassing, but you  gotta do, what you gotta do lol..

Wish me luck.. Yet again.. I really don't want to be huge. I want to be able to shop freely.. Wear my high heels.. Feel light and tiny.. I remember how it felt.. But it's been years since I felt it..

A way back to .. me?? *warning.. a whole lot of blab*

My mind is in a pretty bad place lately.. Mia has been taking over pretty bad and been controlling. I have been purging every little thing I eat.. And it's really taking its toll on me and everything that is happening. I haven't been able to enjoy the wedding details.. I have been having moodswings from hell.. I am snapping at my fiance all the time.. I barely talk to my coworkers. I think my body image is even more fucked up than it has ever been.
I have been reading and updating my self on too many ana- mia blog/books. I am comparring my self more and more to the people around me and I am hating my self. This shit, combined with the fact that I really miss my friends.. I am really fucked up... Or maybe I am doing this to my self?? I don't know anymore..
I don't feel like I can be open to my fiance, cause I never think he will understand.. I can't tell any of my friends about whats going on. I have a couple that know that I have "issues" but none really understand. He still thinks it's just a phase.. And maybe it should be.

I think I have lost my self in the "blog world" .. And that maybe party cause of that I am losing my self in the real world. And srsly.. I am too old for that.. I have always been so proud of being strong, surviving all the shit that life has been tossing at me. Just dealing with it, and mostly comming stronger out of it.. But I don't know.. After the last bad relationship I had.. Stuff just got messed up. I lost me.. I started finding my way back to me slowly after a while.. And suddenly it all just stopped.. And I crashed.. And well here I am.

I got a couple of comments on this post about how I should stop putting my self down comparing my self to others.. And ya I guess I don't need to starve or stop eating to get skinny. I just need to focus on being healthy. Stop binging... Stop purging... Go to the gym cause it's fun and not cause I have to.

I still want to get skinny.. I still want to lose the fat.. But I think I need to change my focus, and do this the "right" way. It might take longer but I guess that's the only way the weight will be off forever. I need to change my mind about food- diets and everything around it.

So from this day on that is where my focus will be. I am going to stop updating me on every single ana/mia blog there is.. I am gonna start taking care of my self.. And hopefully I will start liking my self again.

So this blog is going to change abit. This will be more about the new direction I am taking on my way to become healthy. I am going to find my way back to my passions.. My love for fashion.. Dancing.. The man who loves me no matter how I look, or how much I snap at him.. I have so much to live for.. And so much to be happy about.

No more insane diets.. No more mia.. I really hope I can do this..

Oh and I'm sorry that it seems like I keep changing my mind about what I want every other minute.. This one I will stick to. I promise..

The mental war..

After that fast fail.. My fiance and I had a looong chat.. Where he mostly said how he was worried about eating behaviour and how he wanted me to stop and blabla.. Followed with me telling him that he doesn't understand and that I feel horrid and fugly and that I can't stand staying this way, and him telling me how pretty I was and blabla..
Anyways.. As far as this goes.. I mean I don't want to lie to him. He is really amazing, and he is really the best guy I have ever had in my life.. He is so thoughtful and so amazing. Always taking care of me ( a tad too much at times ), making me his number one prio in every matter of his life.. Showing me a whole lot of love and affection.. He is really the dream guy. And the wedding is really close.. And I can not stand the idea of my kookooness ruining (spelling?) this for us.
So I have been having a mental war.. Trying to figure out what to do. It needs to be more steady and stabile so he doesn't feel like I'm going more kookoo as I might be. And he needs to see that it is healthy.. For me it needs to work. I mean.. I need to see results.. I need to see that it is actually working.
so here is what I have come up with.. During work days, I can restrict. I can eat as much or little as I wish. Still cook a good healthy plate of food for dinner, where I keep his normal and mine low cal. He is ok with my "portion control" as he puts it. So why not.
Weekends are another story. But sure.. I can work around that. My answer to how we can fix this.. Well the problems is that I need to hit the gym more. So every lunch break.. And after work. I know that this will be the only way to go around it.
If he is freaking out about my (lack) of eating. Then sure.. I will eat. I just need to make sure that I burn it off again. I don't see any way around it. And ya I guess it is the healthy way of doing it..

I am gonna study the VIFW again. Get me going. The 12 week plan sounds great. I guess I just need to get off my fat bum and get on with it.

And I started doing this detox program. It just two pills in the morning and night.. It's herb based and I tok the first morning pills today and I can already feel them work.. heh.. Very charming I know.. But ya.. After this I am going to start this CLA based diet pills ( sorry no english site ).. Basicly these pills are based on green tea and thistle oil and it's supposed to control your hunger and give a better balance between muscle/fat % of your body.. The box lasts for 15 days. So I will see how it works.

Anyways.. That's it for me. I will do my best to get alle the MIA thoughts off my head ( I hope ).. "Eat" more healthy.. And be a true gym person.. I don't have many other options.. I am not ready to risk my relationship for this..

Feel free to tell me what works for you.. Keeping the balance.. Getting rid of the fat.. And still staying in a good relationship with your husband/bf..

Nutrilett vs dinner time...

Living with my fiance has it's good and bad sides.. I love having him around, and I really love him for every little things he does for me.. But he can not cook to save his life...

Before we met he used to eat quickly made mac along with pre-made meatballs, almost every day... I love cooking I took over that role as soon as we moved together.. But now.. Making him dinner while I am not having any is a tad harder than I thought.. The smell of it.. mm.. So what did I do?? Nothing.. I kept me busy with other stuff while I was cooking his dinner.. I made something for tomorrow already as well so I don't really have to think about that tomorrow after gym.. 

Anyways.. I took some "before" pictures which really made me rethink how the food was smelling.. I am really really sorry for those of you who actually look at it.. I know I look horrid... I will never ever look like that again.. I still can't understand how I could let it go this far.. 

I have settled on the VLCD shakes and "smoothies".. I think keeping it boring is the way to go.. No temptations.. Talking about temptations.. Having cake tasting for the wedding on Wednesday.. I already know what we are going to have to I will try to keep it to a minimal.. 

The VLCD diet I am using is called Nutrilett.. I am having a blend of 3 shakes a day which is 336 calories in total. The smoothie is 209 calories. That is a total of 545 calories a day.. I am going to skip one of the shakes on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to keep it under 700 even with the cake tasting.. 

Visual impact for woman.. Pt2!

So I got me the visual impact for women. Haven't started reading it yet, but we will be on the road this weekend and I am planning to read it then. Haven't heard anything about my gym card yet, so I emailed them to see what's up with that. I also added a diet ticker to the blog, so it will be easier to follow the numbers. And I got me this really easy to use weight chart on my cell. Gotta love the android market.

Had yet another breakdown last night. My BF acted like a moron when I tried to tell him about the Rusty's training plan. Which ended up in me falling apart. I know that he doesn't mean to be a jerk, and stuff he does are mainly because he talks before he thinks. We have had several "fights" over what a joykill he is. And each time in ends up in a very long emo session. Sometimes I wish that he would just stop, and listen and try to understand. You see.. My BF is one of those ppl who can eat for 3 ppl and doesn't gain a pound. He is tall, lean and defined. And beside him I feel often like a huge bulb of fat. I hate most of the pictures we have together cause I look like I'm 3 times bigger than him. And with the wedding comming up in a few months.... I just wish he could understand why I feel what I feel... I do understand that he thinks I the most pretty girl for and blabla.. But I'm not...
It's not hard to see from the numbers that I am very very very overweight.. And that my BMI is skyhigh.. And that I actually am a fat blub and that it isn't something I pretend to be.

I am hoping to get a minimum of 24 kg's off me during those 12 weeks on Rusty's program. That is only 2 kg per week. I don't think it's an unreal number. After those 12 weeks I have enough time to do half of the program again before the wedding. Which means if I really stick to it and really follow it and do the plan and the gym and stay off junkfood and so on I should be able to reach a weight that is "normal".
I have never weighted less than 67 kg in my adult life.. I started gaining weight when my step dad started to "enjoy" me when I was around 10. It was my way of trying to keep him away. I thought that if I gained alot of weight and would become ugly that he would stay away... I was only a kid.. But what did I know.. He liked it... And that has really fucked up my body.. I have strech marks in places I shouldn't.. I could never ever wear a bikini no matter how skinny I get.. It's "funny" how one persons action can ruin your life forever..
Anyways.. I think.. Well I don't really know.. But I hope that when I lose the weight that the other stuff that is wrong with me will be easier to deal with.. Maybe the strechmarks wont look as bad when I'm not this huge. I dunno.. I just hope...