A horrid night,.

Feel free to ignore this post - but I had a really bad night - and really need to get it out of my system..

I haven't had these dreams for a while.. But this one was bad.. Hubby says I woke up so many times - and that I had been kicking and stuff, and that he had tried to hold me but nothing seemed to work..

I don't remember much of my dreams but the last one where I killed my step dad.. I have no idea how this gun had so many bullets but he got it all inside him.. and the last god knows how many bullets were right in his ... - and then in my dream right the minute before I woke up.. All I could think was "What if my baby is a girl" ...

I know that I would never ever let anything similar happen to my girl - but life is so much easier if you are a guy.. It just is..

Sometimes I hate life for the way it has been.. And sometimes I don't understand why I even want to bring a child to this world.. And now.. I am really freaking out.. I hate hate hate that fucking man to fucking have fucked me up for the rest of my life and now his actions are effecting even this..

FFS....