wedding today......

OMG girlies..... I am getting married today... soooo excited hehe..

Wish us luck ^^
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Sorry for being so much away.. Wedding being couple days away is taking it's time.. I doubt I will be able to post much until after our honeymoon.. If I don't then I will be back 14th of August..

I <3 you all :)


The little mess called my mind!

The last few days have been weird.. First I got off early and got to start my vacation earlier than planned- which is really great cause I was so bored I could die... But ya.. Stuff has happened..
As you might remember, my fiance and I have been have the baby talk over and over again.. On my last post I said that I had made the decision for us.. But then later that day when we were making love he skipped the "rubber" - normally either use the rubber or he hops off right before you know what.. But he didn't either... And I was oh so confused.. The same happened the next day.. And this time I was actually sort of annoyed. I mean.. Why did we have all the talk and drama - if he wasn't going to be careful?
So we had yet another talk.. And I have told him that we really need to made a proper decision. I will be the one carrying the baby and I need to prepare me for it. I can not just do it.. And to be honest, as much as I want a baby.. The idea of getting pregnant is freaking me out. That surely means I am not ready for it.. I wouldn't panic and feel sick to my guts if I was.. Would I?
According to this app I use on my cell- the two sessions without the protection shouldn't make me pregnant. So that is what I am counting on- and we will be back on using protection again- no hopping off.. I mean srsly.. I love this guy with all my heart- but he sure can be confusing. And when we talked about it- he was like "oh I am 50-50 about it.. I would love to have a baby, but I could also wait" ... What the hell is that supposed to mean lol.. Anyways.. I can not deal with this at the moment.. Lets keep them crossed that there is no buns in the oven.. Cause even though I would deal with it.. I am not ready..

Anyway.. The situation in Oslo is also freaking me out.. It is insane.. And it really hit home.. Thanks for your comments - I sure am happy that none of my loved ones are hurt. They seem to have gotten the guy that did this shit.. It's insane.. How can one man do so much damage.. Maria Mena sand this song, it's her version of an old Norwegian song.. It really gives me shivers.. You probably wont understand the text.. But I am sharing it with you just in case..  The song is called "mitt lille land" which means "my little country" ..

Over to the wedding stuff.. We are officially done with all the preps.. I am just waiting to get my things delivered hopefully on Monday. And we gotta deliver the extra decoration stuff on Friday and that is it.. But guys.. It seems like it is going to rain.. I am begging to God that it wont, cause half of reception is planned outside.. So please keep them crossed.. I need no sun.. Just no rain.. Cloudy works for me.. *Sigh*

I have also been avoiding the scale.. The pre wedding crash diet isn't going all too well.. Anyways.. I am off for now.. Trying to spend as much as possible with my husband to be :)


Edit: I forgot to say.. My addiction is up to a whole new level lol.. Got me yet another purse.. I am falling for the bags from Mango ^^ <3

Edit: Has anyone seen the MTV show "I used to be fat"? I love the ones with Gabriella


Heart ache....

My heart is broken and aches after seeing what has happened to my beloved Oslo.. It being the only place I have called home.. The tragic incident is only few blocks away from where I used to live.. I am thankful to God that all my friends and family living there are alive and are doing OK...
When something like this happens to a place where you call home... *sigh* .. If you haven't heard about what has happened.. You could read about it here..


Oh baby baby..

Yup baby... It has been THE main point of our convo's lately lol... Blllaaahh ^^
But no more.. After loads of blab, I have made the decision for us. I told him that we should wait until we both feel like it is time- settle and have some newly wed time before we rethink this matter. I do want a baby with him.. Ofc I do.. He is perfect for me.. But when something is more drama than fun then it isn't the time for it. So we will wait. I don't know how long we are going to wait.. Or what we are going to base it on. But I think we will know when it's time.

Anyway, I think I have made a decision about what training/diet plan I will be on after we get back from the honeymoon. I know I know.. It is still weeks away.. But I like to have a plan.. That is when I feel the safest. So first lets go over the training plan. I really really want to get back in shape. I want to do the two day split that Rusty recommends, So it will be something like this:
Monday Back, chest, abs + Cardio
Tuesday: Shoulders, biceps, and triceps + Cardio
Wednesday: Day off
Thursday: Back, chest, abs + Cardio
Friday: Shoulders, biceps, and triceps + Cardio
Saturday: Day off
Sunday: Day off
The weight training plan will be really light mainly cause I can't do much more with my fibromyalgi. So it will be 4 sets, 5 reps with low weights. For the cardio part I want to do a few mins of warm up and then 20-30 mins of a fat burn or shaping program. I also want to put in a day of yoga in one of the off days. Most likely during the weekend. We have a program for it on the Wii fit- so that is where I will start.
Food wise I am not ready to go plan on the weekly calorie counting yet- so for now I will base it on a daily amount and since I don't want it to result in a B/P circle I am going to 1210 calories. Which is 10 calories per pound of my goal weight.
I will use his tip about having 2 small and a bigger meal a day. I normally do fine during the day- it is at dinner time I fail. Aiming to have 200 calories for breakfast and 300 calories for lunch, 600 calories for dinner and 100 left for snack. Which is totally doable.
Since most of our trips for my Fiance's competitions are during the weekends I think it is a good idea to not plan to fail on them. What else...

I am still really bored.. We don't have shit to do at work.. I asked to get today and tomorrow off.. But I didn't get today off.. maybe tomorrow .. This is driving me crazy... I think I have had around 20 cases in total.... maybe I can go after lunch.. *sigh*

Anyways I think I will be off for now. And I must say... All your comments make me go "aaww" over and over <3 Thanks for being so amazing :) All of you <3

Edit: Got half the day off.. And tomorrow off!!! Yaaay...


I am done!

I mean it this time girls. I am done putting my self down- and worry about the dress and so on.. I have to keep reminding my self that I have a good life.. I have my perfect wedding coming up- I have the honeymoon to look forward to.. I really have to stop ruining this for my self.

I have been so down lately.. Worrying.. And it has been effecting my fiance.. We have this connection. I don't know how to explain it.. But it's like.. He normally knows exactly what I feel- think.. And it really effects him.. And I don't want him to feel bad.. I don't want him to be upset. He is so amazing and he doesn't deserve feeling this way.

I am going to make a real effort to stop this. I am going to keep reminding my self about everything good that I have in my life..

Last night I told him "OK, if you want to have a baby now- lets just go for it" and he was like "but you said you wanted to be happy in your body before we do" and without thinking about it I said "but I will never be" !

And OMG.. That is it.. I have NEVER been happy with my body.. I will NEVER be either.. No matter how much I lose- or gain or what ever.. I will never be happy with it.. There will always be something wrong with it.. Don't misunderstand this. I am not going to stop trying to lose the weight or get in shape.. I am just going to stop living and putting my self down cause of it.. But in my head.. I could be a super model- and I would still not be happy about it..

Anyway.. I am a tiny tad down again today.. Yaay for that.. My new goal is to change my focus from all my "flaws" and move it to all the exciting things we have happening the new few weeks/months :)

Oh and I spoke to the Danish store where I ordered the bolero and the purse for the wedding and they are already sending it out today :)

I ordered these:

The material and colour matches both my dress and the corner of my veil. So it will be good. And I will be more comfy. I was worried it would cover too much of the front of my dress but it should be fine.

We are almost ready with everything now. We are meeting the DJ tomorrow night (he had to postpone again).. On Saturday we are going back to Copenhagen again to buy him a shirt, and then the only thing left to buy are the cube candles I want to have on the tables. Then we have a few days off to relax- Next Thursday I have an appointment to get my legs waxed. On Friday I am putting on nails-and having my eyebrows threaded.
My mum and sisters are arriving on Thursday afternoon, and my BFF is arriving Thursday night. And rest of the guests coming from other countries are coming on Friday, spread around the day.
We are going to the location for the dinner and give them the extra decoration and the guest gifts. And Friday night I am going out with the girls and the guys are taking him out. And whoops.. Before we know it, it will be Saturday.. The big day..

The weather reports for next Saturday aren't out yet- but next Thursday and Friday will be nice.. So lets pray to the weather God's for no rain.. I don't need sun- just no rain- or too much wind.. And it will be perfect..

On Saturday I am going to have my hair done at 10:00 am- My mum is going to the saloon with me- and having her hair done as well. Then we will go back to the hotel where my bridesmaids are staying- we are going to get me dressed and fix my make up. The limo will pick us up at 13:30.. And OMG!!! Then it's 30 small minutes left..

Everyone keeps asking us if we are nervous.. And you know what ?? I am not nervous at all.. I have been worried, and stressed.. But no more... I am so done.. There is less than two weeks left and I am just going to have fun with it- and enjoy the time I have with my hubby to be :)



Thanks for the comments girls.. I just ordered the bolero. I rather be warm than uncomfy..
The sleeves are a great but I was just told that it wont look good with how my dress is shaped in the front. So that is out of the picture..

Anyways.. Off for now..

I think I might have a solution to my shoulder wedding dress situation...

I think I will have "sleeves" made for the dress.. I might even do it my self. I got the inspiration from this dress:

I have the material in right colour.. So it really shouldn't be a problem to make it work.. I can not believe I didn't think about it before... What do you think??

The days isn't the same without..

My day isn't really the same without you guys.. I was in pretty much a funk this morning- but then I saw the comment emails on my cellphone- and Ulla dear.. Your comment cheered me up. 
I am so glad that you are feeling better.. I have been really worried about you. Enjoy your time in France- and take good care of you. And don't be too hard on your little sis :) She only ment to do what she thinks is right. Des charges de l'amour <3 (Don't lough at my really poor French, I barely use it anymore)- and ya :P Lets not use meningitis to lose the pounds ^^ 

Yesterday went fine until dinner time. I had some of the food I made for my fiance which I shouldn't have. But even with that I am down 3.5 lbs. Most likely water weight.. I also am done with that time of the month- which means I weigh less. But I am not complaining. 

Last night was really bad. It's been a while since I felt this bad.. I cried for hours.. I have mentioned earlier that I gained loads of weight when I was very young to "protect" my self from my step dad.. That action has had other consequences on my body. I have stretch marks.. Not the ones normal people have on their tummy or ties - I have them on/around my shoulders. My girlfriends/ fiance tell me it doesn't look at horrid as I make it to be but ya.. What I see is what counts, right? 

So I looked into what you can do to cover them- I really hope to avoid wearing a bolero at the wedding since it will be really really warm.. I saw several articles where they recommend using mineral makeup to cover them. After work I went to several places to have a look at it- but none of the people working there knew anything about it.. Which made me feel even more down... I tried on my veil and without any coverage you are able to see the marks.. Look: 

Anyhow.. I had a really bad crash last night over it. I think I will read more about it- and actually one of the powders I tried did work OK.I just have to keep looking I guess.. Does anyone here know anything about these stuff?? So ya... I cried and cried.. And cried.. I have a tad of headache now. And I think it's most likely cause of that.. It makes me wonder though.. Is it "normal" to cry over looks? Apparently most people don't care.. I can't imagine not caring at all.. I mean.. I guess you guys know what I mean.. Don't you? 

Anyways I have thought more about the upcoming weeks. I have a plan for how I am going eat until the wedding. I have thought about the honeymoon. And I think that I will be eating "normal" while we are there. I will eat whatever he is having just less of it. We will be walking around in Rome and Barcelona so we will burn some calories. 

Princess Perfection wrote something in her last post that I have thought about many many times.. Never acted that way though...  She wrote : generally just living and eating as if I am already thin ...
That is what I will be doing while we are away. Think and eat like a skinny person.. 

I have also thought about how things need to be when we get back.. And every time I think about it, my first thought is that I need to get in shape again.. As hard as it is to believe before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgi and was in pain thinking it was my training I was doing really well with kick boxing. Back then I would be training a minimum of 3-4 hours a day. I didn't weigh in anywhere close to what my goal weight is- but I was really fit and pretty tiny.. I remember how much I loved being able to go to big sales and shop and shop cause most things looked good on me.. THAT is where I want to be again. I know I can not go back to kick boxing cause of my arms but I want to get back to that shape. Have you guys seen the super size vs super skinny episode with Amy Jo?? I LOVE her body.. She is just so perfect..

I think I will be following Rusty's visual impact for woman  .. I mean I already got the plan.. But will see.. Anyways I am off for now :) <3 



Tick tack..

So erm.. I have been at work for less than 1,5 hours and I was done with all I had to do for eerrm 1 hour ago :P This day will be looooonnnnnggggg!!!!! But then again there is only this week of work again and I will be off getting ready for the married life and honeymoon...
My fiance has this week off as well and I have put him on the cleaning duty lol .. It has been so messy at our place lately so ya .. Atleast he wont be bored hehe..
I got to recalculate the "crash diet" numbers. And it is actually less than what I thought it would be. The protein shakes contain 103 calories per serving, so that is 206 calories. I normally have the portion packed broccoli packs- those are 30 calories each. A portion of salmon or chicken filet are around 150 calories each. So that is 386. Having a tad of olive oil or something will make it around 400 tops. Lets say there are few calories in my coffee and so on- it should not be over 450 calories per day.
Anyways.. I guess I will go and stream some..



Pre wedding crash diet..

Hope you all have had a great weekend so far :) Mine has been Ok. We were out on family stuff all day yesterday.. And we finally got to watch the last Harry Potter movie.. I didn't enjoy the movie that much since this fucktard of a dude was sitting next to me... He had almost half his elbow over to my sit and he kept shouting stuff in his stupid language over.. When he wasn't pissing out those he kept saying "fucking cunt childrens movie" .. I mean come on.. Who the hell forced you to watch it.. Argh... Ah well.. I have read the books.. But it sure was annoying..
I skipped updating my weight on Friday since I just got my period again.. and I always gain when I have it.. The first few days are stupidly weird.. I have updated the meter according to it but I am not really bothering with it. It normally goes back to normal couple days after my period is over.
Anyways, I had yet another of my wedding weird dreams.. In this one my dress was really tight.. I couldn't breath.. It was really bad.. I remember the feeling of being out of air.. I woke up and I have had one thought in my head ever since.. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.. Ok ok.. It is exactly 12 days left until the wedding date and I am going on a crash diet.
I have read about this diet before. Never really done it. What I will basicly do is that I will have a protein shake for breakfast- another one for lunch- dinner will be either salad or green veg with some oven made chicken/fish. The diet will be low on calories and carbs. This combo should give big numbers and results until the wedding day. I calculated a tad- having two shakes and a salmon filet and some veg would be around 600 calories and like 5-6 grams of carbs. If I was to have chicken or white fish instead it will be even less calories so i think 600-700 is the right number area.
This will probably effect my mood.. But to be honest, I don't care. I want to be able to breath properly in my dress lol.. The idea is freaking me out..
We also bought a Wii fit plus today. Didn't get to put it out and try it out but I am really looking forward to play around with it :)
Erm.. What else... Ah ya.. We looked at a new flat today. We bought the one we live in now when I moved here from Oslo, but we are looking into buying one with more space and more bedrooms. A guest room is something we really need specially since all my family and friends live abroad. The flat we saw today had loads of potential so we will see.
Anyways I am off for now.. Thanks for all your comments on my last post , I know you are all right.. The most important thing is that we can talk about it and he understand why I worry so much.. And OMG Nasimiyu I got ALL your comments on mail lol ^^ Funny how you couldn't make it on the blog- but I kept getting them on mail lol

Glad it worked now though <3

Anyone wants to join me on my 2 shake and a "salad" diet starting tomorrow ending the 29th ?


Some personal rant about my insane fright of getting pregnant while being so overweight...

This is probably something most of you guys don't need to think about- either cause you aren't overweight, or cause you aren't planning to have a baby.
I do want the time with my fiance to just be lovers and hang, but the fact is that I do want to have a baby. Specially when he brings it up- or when I see my bff's son- which is the most charming cutie ever..
I am also not that "young" anymore. I am turning 29 in less than 2 months and ya.. I do want a baby.. But no matter how badly I want it there is this major fact that as a overweight pregnant woman I will put my self and my baby in risk.
I know that being underweight can cause the same and some times more issues- but that is not something I need to think about. I am not or have ever been underweight.  I have been overweight since I was around 10. I have mentioned the reason why in one of my earlier post- and I am not sure I want to go into details about it just right now. It doesn't matter really. The point is that I have been overweight for almost 2/3 of my life.
Do I wish to keep living like this? No..
Do I want this for my kids? No..
Am I scared of fucking up their life as I have done with mine? Yes..
Do I think about how my eating behaviours can effect them? Way too many time..
Do I want my kids to know about my issues with mia?? Never..
I know that what I am thinking about doing to lose the weight is a very solid and good way of doing it.. And I do know that I WILL make it happen.. But I am so sad.. So sad cause of the fact that I have let this go so far.. The fact that I have to stop and say "No.. I can not think about having a baby cause I am afraid of it being ill because of my weight" really really really breaks my heart.
I don't think I am out of those risks before I enter a normal BMI range.. Which is around 90 lbs away.. Oh wow.. That is a big number. Very very big.. Thinking about that number makes me feel so weak.. I guess I'll just have to stop thinking about it then- and just get rid of it.
Every day I put off doing this- is a day lost. My blog title says "Restrict your eating instead of your living".. I believe in that.. Why don't I do it? Don't get me wrong,. I do want to.. And I will. I just don't understand why I haven't done that yet.
I got engaged in October. I have had almost a year to do this. I knew I had the wedding... I knew I didn't want to be a fat bride. And guys.. That is exactly what I am going to be.
I am sure I will look pretty. I am sure things will be perfect.. But imagine the difference it would have made.. Being skinny... Feeling proud of what I have done.. But hay.. I guess there is no point of thinking about that either.
Thanks you so much for your really kind words. I just hope that I will have a body to match the "pretty" face sooner rather than later.

Dearest AJ.. The wedding is on the 30th of July. That is just a couple days over two weeks from now.

Again thank you all for reading and for being the best readers.. <3

I am gonna be off now before I get too emo at work.. lol

Does anyone know Ulla??

Ullalexie from Emerging from a cocoon of fat has been gone for a week. The last thing updated from her front was that she was in the hospital, but that she was feeling better.. But since then her blog is gone and I am sort of worried about her.

Does anyone know her irl? If you do- is she OK?


Rain rain go away...

I just realized something.. I am really pale- and I should work on a tan before the wedding. Problem is that there is no sun, and according to the weather reports there wont be any sun the next few days. I have never been on a "tan bed" ( is that what it is called?? ).. And I am thinking about trying that. Do I have to use sun lotion?? Hmm.. I should google this.. It is weird that I am this pale though.. Being Persian I should have more colour on me. My mum used to tease me and call me for "Milky" since I was so pale compared to the rest of them .. Yes my mum is a bliss.. Erm ya..

I was thinking about getting a short haircut after the wedding, but I think I want to keep it long. It is sort of long now, The front is layered and the longest is almost couple cm under my chin, and the back is layered as well and the longest goes under my bra line. I have wavy hair but I tend to straighten it out cause I think it is what looks best for me. And I have lately been reading more and more about the Brizilian blow dry. And I came across this article on Nicole Richie's blog.. And I think I might just do it. It is kind of costs a whole lot. But then again, you only need to do it once or twice a year. Anyways I am not sure what to do yet. I have very marked cheekbones (even now that I am really fat) and I have been told several times that I can go both ways. I am putting up a few picture so you can see. One with sort of short- one medium ish- and the last one is from January this year so my hair is a longer now. Oh and That really cute guy is my Fiancé.. I know he has a brat like smile there ^^ But I promise you guys.. He is a brat :P hehehe

Edit: Removed pictures

What do you think?? Ah ya the dark hair, that is what my natural colour is..

Erm I ttly lost the track of my thought.. Stupid work, getting in way of my blog time.. lol.. Talking about work it is really dead here.. I think I have had a maximum amount of 7 cases per day.. That is calls and emails all together.. But erm ya.. I am running out of fun stuff to stream..

As you might see I am in way better mood today. I slept ok- and I had fun with hubby to be.. The subject of baby's were brought up again. We have a few packs of condoms left. I told him, we could talk about what to do when we run out of them. And talking about that. My BFF and her husband are working on their second one now. Their son will turn 1 in end of October- so I don't know why they are rushing, she said something about kindergarden placement and so on hehehe. But ya. That sure did bring up the baby talk.

I also told him about the new eating idea I have and he also agrees that it is a great idea- so for once he isn't nagging me at all about food and what not- which is amazing.

Let me tell you this girls.. Life as it is now is great. I spend my work days bloging and streaming and get paid for it- My fiance is soon to be my husband and we are almost done with the wedding details. He isn't bugging me about food- and I have lost couple pounds ^^

This post is being written in many session and I just wanna say that I can not believe how stupid guys are who think that they can tech things better than girls only cause they have a dick.. Come on! *sigh* stupid boys!

Anyways I am gonna publish this post before it gets too random.. Thanks for all your kind comments on yesterdays post <3

Wish you all a great day :)


A way back to me..

Thanks for listening to my insane ranting yesterday. And I want to give a special thank to FedUp. You are right.. I am losing my self in the wedding madness and I am not enjoying the process at all.
I am going to just take it as it comes now. Most of the things are done. The few details that are messed up... Well it is how it is. The day will be great. I seem to have forgotten that the reason for all this madness is my amazing fiance. The kindest man I know of. The one who puts me first. And I seem to keep forgetting this madness isn't just effecting me, but it is effecting him as well. So enough is enough. I know there isn't anything we can not deal with together, and this day shouldn't be an stressful event. People around us are all looking forward to this- so should I.
And dear Mia :) You are right.. The day will be perfect no matter how many details get messed up. I will just ignore the many many details and focus on the main thing.. My very handsome husband to be :)
@Nele, Thanks love. The rings are very pretty- they just messed up the placing of the diamonds. I returned my ring yesterday for them to fix it. I am awaiting a call from them today- So lets keep them crossed.
@Eowin, hope you can use the tips- that site is filled with loads of info. :)

Yesterday I was looking over my blog and thinking about how this all started. About how I keep forgetting that I am much stronger that I seem to be. I have lived through a whole lot of shit- so why I am acting like I can't do things now? Taking the "easy" way has never been an option for me. I have been proud over working hard for the things I have. So why don't I do it with my body? Working hard for having the body I want instead of taking the short cuts looking for fast/easy ways out.. We all know- having a great body takes work. A whole lot of work. I has taken me years to put on all the fat- why do I think I can get it all off in matter of few weeks/months?

And I was thinking. One of the reasons why I have been so tired and cranky and on the edge is most likely the fact that I am not hitting the gym. I haven't been training for errm.. Lets see around 2 months now.. My body is messed up and that is one of the reasons why. That is a fact that I can not ignore.
So today after work- that is what I am going to do. I am going to get my act together and get my lazy bum to the gym. I will work around the things we need to do. Even 30 mins will be way better than nothing.

Another thing that really got to me is something on read on FedUp's last post. She said this: " I'm going on Vacation next month and I DO NOT want to come home 5 lbs heavier or worse and have to deal with damage control mode.  I HATE damage control mode.  I prefer maintenance mode thank you very much."
And OMG .. She is so right.. I on the other hand always think "oh I am going on vacation- I can eat what ever I want- and if I gain, then I gain" .. This my butterflies is one of the reasons why there is around 100 lbs difference between her and I.. She took her time- and lost the weight. She keeps it under control. Doesn't matter if she is on vacation- or if it is some sort of holidays.

So changes that I will be making from today are :

  • I will go to the gym or exercise even if it is for only 30 mins.
  • I will restrict my calorie intake- 10 calories per lbs of my target weight = 1200 calories. ( I am using the numbers from Rusty's blog- fitnessblackbook.com )
  • I will save calories during the week for the weekends or dinners out.
  • I will keep it low carb- but eating more of the good carbs like fruit
  • I aim to not gain any weight on vacations/holidays.

And this is how it is for now. I think it sounds like a good solid plan. Then I don't get the meat sickness. I wont fill overly fed. I will be able to eat fruit which doesn't mess up my tummy. And then it can take as long as it needs to take. This way I can stick to it being on our honeymoon.
I have 112 lbs to go for my GW- I aim to lose couple of pounds per week- which isn't unrealistic at all. And this means I should be able to get the weight off in a year. And lets face it. A year might seem really long but it really isn't. Time flies by.

Anyways I am going to end this wall of text. Laters <3


The mother of all binges...

That is what I had on Friday,,, Saturday... Sunday..
What happened was that we got a msg saying that our wedding bands were ready to be picked up.. So we went there after work.. And guess what.. The diamonds are placed wrongly on my ring.. And the fucking ring looks like a fucking button.. Look for your self..
I mean come on.. How can you mix up " Place the diamonds next to each other" ... WTF.. We are going back today after work and the sales girl that took our order is supposed to be working today.. And mark my words.. God help her if she doesn't fix it by the time of the wedding.. I will hurt her.. And I am not joking.. Ugg. That rage moment.. Sent me right off to a binge session.. And trust me this was the mother of all binges..  I had a bunch of spring rolls. I don't know how many.. Then I had a some chilli cheese with mayo.. A big king XXL with fries.. And apple juice.. And no we aren't done yet.. After a nice purge we had more space.. I had a pack of chocolate covered biscuits followed by a huge mug of lime mousse. After when I got home I munched on a bowl of roasted and salted seeds and had some Cola zero with it..

On Saturday- we went over to Copenhagen just to find out that the wedding store where I have bought most of my things closes really early on Saturdays.. So now we have to go there again.. We still need to get a bunch of stuff there- and I am not sure when we have the time to go back again.. Which sent me into yet another binge session.. Let see.. I had a sandwich with salad and roast beef. Then some sandwiches with butter and honey.. Followed by another mug of the lime mousse. Another sandwich with chicken bacon and friend potatoes.. Sugary iced tea.. erm what else.. Two huge plates of rice and indian tika. Erm lets see what else.. I had some watermelon lol

Sunday wasn't as bad.. I think I just crashed.. My body just shut down .. We had a meeting with the place we are having the dinner at.. And some more details are fucked there.. Which we can't really do anything about.. I am not going into details there since I am too emotional to write about it at work.. After we had a BBQ at his mum.. Which could have been better.. I am too tired to even care about that weird outing lol.. Ugg..

I have gained 3 lbs after this weekend. And you know what.. I can not deal with it anymore.. I just want to fix my ring- and after that. It will be the way it will be. I can not deal with this anymore.. The joy of the day is almost gone with all this stress. I can not remember the last time I have cried this much. This emotional roller coaster is killing me.. I barely sleep.. I am overly tired.. And it has been ages since I had this sort of binge/purge session.. I feel sick to my guts.. And I am pretty sure it is not the way it is supposed to be.. I guess I am too fucked up of a detailed obsessed maniac..

So thanks for all your kind comments- but atm I am not the one you should be proud of.

@ Eowin
The low carb diet is pretty easy. You basicly eat an amount of 20 grams carbs a day. To figure out how much carb something has you take off the amount of fibre from the carbs. So if something has 10 carbs per 100 grams and 3 of those are fibre you count it as 7 grams of carb per 100 grams.
You can eat almost as much as you want of clean meat products since they have no carbs. So your main foods will be red/white lean meat- fish- bacon- egg based food. You can also have a whole bunch of green salad since it barely has any carbs. Have a look at www.atkins.com - Phase one is the one you will be wanting to look closer into for now- and if you do not wish to gain all the weight right back you should look into the 4 phases.
With a low carb diet- you will lose weight really fast- but you will gain it right back if you don't follow the phases adding a little carb at the time. You will also probably feel sick of all the meat and fatty food. Going #2's will also be a gambling game- cause after a couple days on this it gets harder to "go" .
I would not recommend unless you do the phases properly. I will not recommend it either- if you are more on to the veggie side- cause then there isn't much to eat.
I think I will do a proper calorie restricted- gym plan when we get back from our honeymoon. I don't think low carb is something I could keep on going on all the time.

Anyways.. I am off for now..


Weekly weigh in and so on..

I am down 7.7 lbs since last Friday. I will keep updating my ticker as it goes but the official numbers are going to be weekly based. I have a feeling that this number could have been much higher if I hadn't messed it up with that carb day. But that is in the past- and I have learned my lesson. I have also added a new page to keep track of the weekly numbers.

We are at the new offices. It is a mess. And it is VERY open.. There are a few glass rooms- but the rest is open space. I really hope that I get some proper place cause this is very distracting. I cant really focus with all the people passing by. And I do wonder who I get to sit next to later on. I hope it's not going to be someone smelly. Ugg.. I so am not comfy here atm. We don't have our anything of our own either but the laptops. I forgot my lunch at home- and there aren't really any places that sell food that aren't bread based around yet.

Our old office was in the middle of the city and there were plenty to choose from. Now we are outside the city centre close to the station- which isn't finished yet. A salad place is apparently opening there on Monday- so that is good.

I had yet another weird dream- this time my fiance wasn't dressed properly for the church.. And then suddenly it was a new dream- where he was dressed but had forgotten the flowers.. I really hope these dreams stop soon.. I am way too tired for this going on and on for 3 more weeks.

 @ Aye Ell: Ya I am hopping off this from the wedding and for our honeymoon. I am not sure what I will do when we get back. The low carb diet gives fast results but it is easy to gain it all back as fast as you lost them. So I am thinking maybe I should do a calorie restricted plan after the honeymoon and then maybe just keep the "bad carbs" off. With that the weight will get off slowly but it is easier to keep a normal eating habit and keep going. But that is weeks away so I have time to figure it out.
@Eowin: I am 163 cm- or 5'34" I think :) So ya 120 wouldn't be that bad. Good to know I'm not alone about the email thingi- It will be this will until after I am back from honeymoon.. Summer time ftw lol
@Nasimiyu: Thanks hon :) Ya we do want kids- just not in the nearest future. hehe.. Well he does-- I don't.. Long story lol



I was about to write TGIF... But then I realized.. It's not.. This day at work will be long and boring.. Have normally around 20 mails to go through in the mornings- today there was one. And yes.. It is already done..

On another note- if you ever plan doing a low carb diet- do NOT allow your self to have a carb day. I read this stupid article which said taking off a day was OK- and guess what. I did that on Monday- and I am only finally now getting under the weight I was on Sunday. Which mean it put me back around 3-4 lbs.
So I googled.. And get this.. You can not have a carb day cause that is exactly what fucks the diet. Falling out of the hormonal balance and so on. Putting you back almost a week every time you do so.

I am glad I know this now and didn't fuck up stuff right before the wedding. But I am down 7 lbs- Going to weigh in tomorrow and that will be my one week mark. If I keep losing 7 lbs per week until the wedding it means I will be down around 28 lbs. Which would be perfect.

I have changed my goals a tad. I have put 120 lbs as my goal weight. The reason is mostly because my BF has been commenting "bones" lately. I have been watching supersize vs superskinny. And every time I point at  a skinny one - that has my hight and say "oh she is just perfect" - he goes "Eow.. I would hate it if you became that boney". So I have put up the goal with 10 lbs. But my goal is to get the body fat as low as possible on that weight. I know I should be the one deciding what my body looks like.. But I am sort of sharing it with him.. He keeps in shape for me- so I guess I have to do the same. So the closer I get to my GW the more I will put up the training. And I think that is something I will be able to live with. On the bright side the new goal means I would "only" have 105.6 lbs to lose..

Today is our last day at this office. We are almost packed and there are boxes everywhere.. It is sort of sad to move. I haven't been working here that long but this place has been sort of home to me the last months and it is a tad sad to move. Ah well.. I guess we need the bigger space.

I will be spending loads of time today on google finding low carb recipes.. It's not like I have anything else to do lol..

Oh and welcome to the new followers :) Thanks for following and reading :)


Stay tuned for more weird dreams..

OMG.. I thought I was tired yesterday, but today is even worse.. I am at work and can barely keep my eyes open. Last night I had yet another weird dream.. This time I was at the wedding-- I fell.. On my bum.. And my dress went up and I was wearing really weird clown looking socks.. :S And for some reason people were sitting on the floor at the church.. So weird.. And then I woke up around 4 in the morning and by the time I fell back to sleep my alarm went off and we had to get up.. *sigh*.. I go to bed tired, and wake up even more tired..

Mmm.. Went out and got some coffee.. We are finally moving to the new office building. Should be in place at the new office on Friday. Which means we will be far away this amazing coffee shop.. Oh and if I haven't mentioned it before.. I <3 coffee.. I have tried to cut it down and replace it with green tea but nothing can replace a properly made cup of coffee .. Mmmm...
Anyways, I am looking forward to the move. This place doesn't have a properly working AC and there are always some sort of road construction happening outside so we can't leave the windows open. I end up having a headache almost every day by the end of the day. The new office will be messy until end of August since our first floor isn't finished yet. But most people will be on their vacations then so I don't mind. I have last week of July and the two first weeks of August off cause of the wedding. So I don't really mind.

Over to something else, I just got to know that my fathers mum is visiting my aunt in Germany- she is really old and she wants to meet us before she leaves. I don't really have a relationship with my fathers family. My dad died before I was born, and when my mum remarried my ass of a step dad with lost all contact with them. I met her in Germany for around 6 years ago for the first time in 17 years. And that has been it since then. She is very old.. I think she is around 85 now- and she wants to see me and my by then husband. So we are trying to figure out how we can manage that.

We thought about going there before the wedding, but the tickets cost way too much for a 2-3 days trip. And I am not sure if I want to take off in the week before the wedding. I would be too stressed about it. So we are going to try and see if we can take a day off after our honeymoon and go over there for a weekend. The tickets will cost us half of what they do now- and by then we would be able to give her some pictures from the wedding too. Which I think she would love.

But this is yet another thing to add to my very very very long to do list. But then again, I am not sure if I will ever be able to meet her again so I guess it is worth it.

@ AJ : Thanks ^^ I am so happy that he didn't argue about the text again.
@ Eowin: I'm not sure how much picture I would be able to put out. I sort of would have to ask my by then hubby if it is ok with him :) But If he doesn't mind I will probably post something :)
oh and if you had the fish dream I did, you'd probably stay off fish for a while lol ^^

Off for now :)


I think I'm going kookoo.. kookoo... kookoo..

Right.. So I think I am really going kookoo.. lol..
I mentioned in one of my posts that I was really sick of meat in general didn't I... I think the low carb diet is taking it to a whole new level.. Last night I dreamt I was being chased by a bunch of fish... and they were trying to eat me... When I finally got away from them.. It was a road with pork/lamb chops on the side.. And they were trying to flat me out lol ... I mean COME ON!!! This can not be normal lol..
Anyways. I am going to keep on the low carb this month. Will see what to do after. I am really fed up with meat in general, and I think the dream is trying to tell me something.. lol..
Anyhow.. I have reached a whole new level of tired now.. The weekend wasn't long enough and I could sleep for days..

Good news.. The priest has approved our vows.. I was so emotional writing them down yesterday.. I really need to find me a proper water proof mascara hehe.. Gaaah... I'm such a mess. I am so tired, so emotional, so stressed..

Note to my self: Google low carb veggie recipes...

@AJ : Thanks hon. And right back at you :)
@[ChildofApathy] : Oh I know the feeling of always being on move.. One of the reasons why I don't want to move again.. but ya.. Where will you be moving after uni?? :) - And ya we sort of have already demoted him.. He is the best man in name- but he isn't going to be a part of anything but to stand up there at the isle along with my fiance and the other guy who is actually doing all the work.. We don't have the time/energy to bother with him... The question is if we will ever talk to him again after this.. Doesn't feel like he deserves it..

Off to read some blogs and google now :)

Oh and as if I wasn't emo enough.. This song just came on...


This shit is working..

I have been on the low carb diet since Friday and I have lost 6.6 lbs!!!!
I didn't have any great numbers this morning, but I didn't get on the scale until after my shower and my hair was wet and so on. So I am not too worried about that. I haven't really been hungry. Well I was some yesterday, but that was probably cause we were out most of the day and I didn't get to eat properly. So this is great.. I am glad I am not counting calories, cause the food I have been eating contains load and loads of it.. Eggs, bacon, ham, cheese, red meat and the list goes on and on. Anyways I don't care.. I am losing weight. And I feel great about it. 
It is now officially 4 weeks to the wedding.. I must admit my tummy is already filled with butterflies.. And I am really looking forward to everything.. There are still a bunch of details we need to take care of. But ya :) I am making a list hehe
I am so disappointed over my fiance's best man. And I am so glad that he has two of them cause the "main" one has not done shit. He hasn't once called to hear if we needed any help or offered a thought. I asked him if he was going to give a toast, since I have to tell the toast master who is giving the toasts. And guess what he said.. 
He said " No I wasn't thinking about saying anything".. And trust me.. I have told him that is sort of a part of his "job" being a bestman... *sigh*.. I don't even know why we are having him there.. He doesn't act like he cares or gives a shit..  I hate it when people take things for granted.. I mean.. He took his time to decide if he wanted to be my fiance's bestman. And then he goes and acts like he doesn't give a f... 
My maid of honor and my bridesmaid.. One living in Oslo- the other living in London.. Have been more involved in the whole thing.. And have actually been a great help planning. This guy lives 5 mins walking distance from us.. And he hasn't bothered to call and ask to see if there is anything he can do.. 
I am not counting on other to do what we can do ourselves but come on.. 
Anyways.. I really do wonder if we will even bother to talk to this guy ever again after the wedding. You get what you give ya?? And you treat people the way you want to be treated back.. 
We have had him over for dinner so many times and not once he has invited us over.. Oh ya he did once, when he had his bday.. And we had to bring the cake lol.. 
Anyways fuck it.. We can live without a person like that.. 
Ugg.. I really miss my friends in Oslo.. What to do?? I am so confused.. Should we move back?? Start over?? Atleast we know we would have people who would be there for us no matter what... 

I don't know what to do anymore.. :( 

I feel so down.. I have moved a whole lot in my life.. And now I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel like I can stay here.. Moving back to Oslo seems like to commit suicide.. Our finances would fall a part, and we would have to start on nothing.. Rent a flat instead of buying a house. Get new jobs.. And then it is no way to say if they will be jobs we would even enjoy.. For the first time in my life I have a good job that I like.. I have no financial problems.. But I have no friends.. I feel lonely.. We went and saw "something borrowed" this weekend. And there was a scene where the girls are having a slumber party and it really brought me to tears.. I miss my bff so much.. So much :( 


Done with Modifast..

So I'm almost out of Modifast products. I have a couple of bags with some soup and choco pudding left, but tbh I don't care enough to use them up. I got my new scale yesterday. I got on it this morning and saw the "real" numbers. I weigh inn more on it than on our old digital scale, the dif is around 3 lbs. But I guess if I am going to use it from now on- those numbers are the ones that count.
Anywho I got my wakeup call last night.. I weigh in around 81 lbs more than my fiance.. That is almost a person- maybe half a person, but still.. No wonder why I feel so huge beside him lol I AM HUGE! I have almost  59% body fat.. Which means I could be purely bacon lol.. Ladies and gentleman.. We have a huge bulb of fat and sugar standing here in human form.. It's sad but it is a fact..
I know I say that I don't want to count carbs or calories.. But I can't not do it as long as I am this huge.. I will stop counting when I get under my goal weight.. So ya.. I have to count..
For now I am going to count carbs.. 20 grams of carbs per day. Aye Ell is right .. The low carb diet works! It is the only diet that worked for me.. EVER.. Anyways.. I will also do the portion control thing with the plates since I think that is the main reason why I gained the weight to begin with..
Ugg.. I am so disgust by what I see in the mirror..  This is what I feel like today:
A fat lard! 

This is what I want to feel like:
Skinny, light, beautiful... 

How can I get there?? By stop eating like a person who looks like a huge bulb of lard.. I am what I eat..

Thanks for all your comments on the yesterdays post about the freaky priest.. I needed it.. Wishing you all a good day and a great weekend <3