A horrid night,.

Feel free to ignore this post - but I had a really bad night - and really need to get it out of my system..

I haven't had these dreams for a while.. But this one was bad.. Hubby says I woke up so many times - and that I had been kicking and stuff, and that he had tried to hold me but nothing seemed to work..

I don't remember much of my dreams but the last one where I killed my step dad.. I have no idea how this gun had so many bullets but he got it all inside him.. and the last god knows how many bullets were right in his ... - and then in my dream right the minute before I woke up.. All I could think was "What if my baby is a girl" ...

I know that I would never ever let anything similar happen to my girl - but life is so much easier if you are a guy.. It just is..

Sometimes I hate life for the way it has been.. And sometimes I don't understand why I even want to bring a child to this world.. And now.. I am really freaking out.. I hate hate hate that fucking man to fucking have fucked me up for the rest of my life and now his actions are effecting even this..



  1. Sorry for the bad dream I wish I could say they will stop but I doubt they will. you will experience a lot of bad dreams though this probably. Maybe you need a counselor while pregnant because sub-conscious things are going to wake up up. Keep posting about them at least it will ease your mind a bit.

  2. Sorry hun. You will just have to keep fighting through your demons. All the crap you have been put through you can turn to love for you baby girl or boy.

  3. Linny is spot on. Share if it helps you - with us or with someone trained to help. You were brave enough to come out to your healthcare provider (nurse/doctor/midwife?) about the purging and that went well. They were supportive and your husband gained some knowledge about you.

    It's common for survivors of sexual abuse to have difficulty with pregnancy and delivery. I don't suppose it's comforting to know that what you're going through is normal, but it means that a good maternity care provider will be prepared to connect you with services that can help. If you don't want one-on-one therapy, there might also be support groups (local or online) with other women who share similar experiences.

  4. I'm so sorry you are having bad dreams and I too agree with Linny. Pregnancy stirs up alot of hormones and chemicals so maybe consult your doctor and she can give you some advice. Google is great too :)

    I hope you feel better and get some well needed rest.


  5. Oof, sweetheart, I'm so sorry <3 Thinking of you xx

  6. I'm sorry. I definitely agree that boys have it easier. For some reason, it just seems they have everything easier.

    Do you have anyone you would be okay enough with to talk about the dreams? <3 x

  7. Aw, dreams can be awful! I remember when I was put on a medication and I had such awful, morbid, gorey dreams! It really sucked. I hope you feel better very soon! <3

  8. I am sorry about the dreams! And about what happened to you. I struggle with similar memories as well, and if someone did that to my daughter I would just die. I hope the bad dreams stay away. Love love love! x