2014/12/29

2015..

Christmas was.... Well it was (I just don't even want to go there *sigh*).. I guess it's best to leave it behind and focus on the future.. 

2015 is coming and these are some of the things I want to achieve by the end of it. 

- Do a monthly weight chart so by the end of the year I know where I started and where I am (Thank you Tempest for the idea)

- Choose a plan, stick to it and lose weight
This is something I aim for each year, and I'm sad to say that each year my start weight is higher than the year before. I never stick to a plan and that is a recipe for disaster. So this year I want to choose something and just stick to it. 

- Work out
Another one I keep repeating. I just need to get stronger so I can actually do stuff with my husband and kids.. I do not want to be one of those mothers who is always on a bench at the park cause she is too weak/tired/fat to play with her kids. 

- Redefine weight goals and rewards
I put too much pressure on my self, and when I don't reach the so-called "goal" I always feel like a fail.. So I have to redefine my goals and remember that 2 lbs down is still much better than 2 lbs up. 

- Spend more time and money on my self
My looks has been my lowest priority since I just don't feel good in my own skin. I need to change the way I look and feel about my self and remember that I am worth more than what I think I am now. 


That's it for me.. What are you looking into improving/changing in 2015? 

2014/12/11

I made a comment on my last post, but I figured it would be easier to just make a new post.

First off, thank you so much for the comments, it makes it easier to deal with things when reminded I am not the only one who goes through things like this.

But yeah I am going to meet my shrinks replacement in January. And today I got a letter confirming the date.. And guess what.. The new shrinks last name is Frankenstein...

I couldn't stop laughing.. I mean really?? Frankenstein?? If this is not a sign then I don't know!

2014/12/10

So erm yeah...

Today my shrink told me it is her last day and that she is starting a new job...
This after I had an emergency doctors appointment at the hospital cause my tummy has been hurting like a bitch and they told me my stress hormone levels are too high..

*sigh*

2014/12/04

2014

So I guess this will most likely be my last post in 2014. I know I have been a sucky blogger and been MIA most of this year, but I still find my self very lucky to have some of the most amazing readers <3

2014 has been a rough year for me. 2013 and most of  2014 have been filled with really unstable mood-swings and loads of depression. I am however really glad to say that I feel much better. I still have days where I just don't want to get out of bed, talk or even breath but those days are coming further and further apart.

I still am seeing my therapist, however we haven't been able to have sessions as often as I wish we had, but she is still there. Our next "project" is to prep me for birth of my new son this March, and hopefully try to prevent, or catch yet another PP depression in time and get on with treatment asap. They say when you have had it once, you are most likely to have it again, and for someone with my background the chances of it happening are pretty high. This time around I am lucky to have her on my side so I know I will not have to go through it alone until I crash.

This pregnancy has also been really hard, I am now into my 27th week of pregnancy and I still get sick. I have been coughing really bad for almost 5 weeks now, and it just doesn't seem to go away. The doctor says it is just a virus and there is nothing to do about it..

This year (a month or so ago) I was also verbally attacked and a victim of "random" racism.. It's not often I feel like a foreigner even though I live in Sweden but am Persian and raised in Norway.. But when something like that happens it really hits you right in the face - making you question if you made the right choice of living where you live. I know idiots are everywhere, and something like that could happen everywhere, but it is hard to just keep a "c'est la vie" attitude and not let if affect you.

We have also moved to a new place this year, we are still not really in place, still have no curtains, pictures ect up, but my son seems to love it here, so I am trying my best to stay positive, and just take it as it comes.

This Christmas is also going to be "special" since my mother and my middle sister are going to spend it here with us. I told my mother they could spend it here, but I know for a fact that it will be really rough. My sister is the definition of drama queen, one who always makes everything about her self, who has never really done anything to show that she cares about me but saying the words. She is also a liar (I am not sure if she means to be, but she is), and always tries to manipulate people around her. She has yet to meet my son, and she is already talking about meeting some random people she met, who she has spoken to once, while she is here. It really hurts me, that my son is 2 years old when she gets to meet him, which btw also has been her choice, and still she makes it clear that we are not the main reason why she is coming to visit us. And my mother.. Well she is who she is, you have all read the stories about her, and she doesn't really change. She says so many stupid things without being aware of how horrible they actually are.. So yeah..

I guess I just have to bite through the days there are here, and remember that it will most likely be years before we see my sister again, and months before we see my mother. I really don't understand why I just don't say "No you can not come" when I don't really want them here, and the only reason I say they can come is because I don't want to hurt them..

Anywho..

I am looking forward to 2015, and I aim to make it a great year for us. Are you happy with how 2014 has been?


2014/11/17

I just don't understand how this is even possible!

So as the title says, I got my self a proper shock today..
We have had a bad cold, and moved to the new place last weekend, so I haven't had the chance to get on the scale.. But I did today..

And OMFG!!!!! I have now lost almost 20 lbs since I got pregnant... How.. I just don't understand how is this even possible??

I promise you I have not been trying to lose weight.. I have been eating almost everything I have craved (within reason), I haven't really been out and about because my fibromyalgia and SPD pains have been over the roof.. So how is it possible that I have lost almost 20lbs?

I know that a couple of it is probably cause I haven't been drinking as much as water as I should the last couple of days, but still..

As far as I can tell the baby is doing good too, he is very active (aka kicking my bladder so I have to pee like 30000 times a day), and we are to check the growth on Thursday, but nothing seems off. This means.. That if I don't gain any weight until the baby is duo I will end up losing over 30lbs when the baby is born. Of course I know I can not think like this, cause usually the most gain comes in the last tri-master.. But lets get real... I am 24 weeks pregnant and down almost 20lbs! Insane I tell ya... This is just insane!


PS: I promise to post before/after home edition pix as soon as we are more in order :)

2014/10/16

Oh boy, oh boy!

Seems like we are having another boy :) I was sure this one was a girl since the pregnancy is one from hell, but the ultra sound doesn't lie lol

I just want to say that I am so sorry for being so much awol and so sucky reading/commenting. Between all the puking, insane pain in the joints and the hip and the renovation drama I am using every moment not spend on those sleeping.

I am doing very well with my weight - lost around 12 lbs and it is keeping steady so that is all good.

I promise I will do my best to post more.



2014/10/06

My bff's 2 year old daughter was just diagnosed with brain cancer..
She is to have chemo every week for next 6 months, and then ever other, ever second week for next 1,5 year..They also discovered that she has a genetic illness called NF1 which means she could be having the chemo on and off for years..

And all off this.. It is making me so angry... So angry that this little wonderful beautiful baby girl has to go through all of this.. Lose her pretty curls... Be in pain.. While there are people like my sister who refuse to go to rehab to get rid of her addiction..

I know that addictions and ED's are not easily treated... But after this... I just do not understand why people don't want to get help when they have the option of getting help and becoming healthy..

This little girl has no option...

So if you are reading this.. And you have an ED... Or any other disorder - and have the option of getting help... GO GET HELP and try to get healthy..  Do not waste your life chasing a number, cause there are people, babies.. Who do not have the option of being healthy..

And please keep our little princess in your prayers..





2014/10/03

It's so important to remember who your family is..
Family is NOT the one you are labeled with..
Family is the ones who are loyal to you.. Who actually bother to wonder how you are, regardless of how much their own life sucks..
Family is not the people who keep pushing you into giving, and giving but who never give anything back.. The ones who are just full of words and never act anything close to the words they speak..

My family is my son.. My husband.. My soon to come baby..
My family is the friend who has a kid in hospital but still tries to sooth me when I worry...
My family is my husbands grandmother who pulls me aside and tells me not to worry, cause when it's time for me to go to labor she will be there to make sure my son is taken care of - canceling her vacations just to not miss it..

So fuck the ones who are forcing words like "sister" on you.. Fuck them..

2014/09/24

17 weeks pregnant and 12 lbs lighter...

I srsly don't get this... I am eating whatever I want, which has been a bunch of Persian food lately since that is what I have been craving..

How come when we stop thinking about diets, and what to eat, is when we actually lose weight??

2014/09/16

Here we go again...

So I did the glucose test today and I have gestational diabetes again... I am not as panicked about it as I was last time.. But I sure hope it is exactly like it was then and that I do not have any issues - and that I only reacted to the insane amount of sugar in the glucose test.

In other news we got the keys to the new place yesterday, and the work started today... We are set to move in within 2 months, so I hope we are done by then..

It's not much to tell other than the fact that this is it for me.. No more babies after this... I really do not think I can survive another pregnancy like this.. And this time around everything has just been twice as bad.. So yup this is it and I am done.. Very very very done....


PS: I am so sorry for being a boring fart with nothing to post but boring stuff... :(

2014/09/02

Birthday ramblings!

Turning 32 today.. I am OK with it. My 30's have so far been easier on me than my 20's regardless of everything.
Turning a year older always makes me think about life, and everything that comes with it. And I was thinking it was about time I gave you guys an update of what's going on.

I am now 14 weeks pregnant, and I am still very very sick. Puking my guts most days and have a sore throat thanks to it. My gag reflex is out of order and seems to trigger with the smallest cough. My boobs are huger than ever, and I just read that they will get bigger.. May the lord have mercy on me cause none of my bra's fit anymore.. Not even the ones I bought after I got pregnant... *sigh* .. My nose is also always stuffed thanks to the extra blood that comes with the pregnancy.. BUT other than that I am just OK lol... I am 99.9% sure that this is and will be my last pregnancy. No matter how rewarding having a kid is, I just don't know if I want to go through all of this again. I also have a very very strong feeling that this one is going to be a little girl - which means we will have one of each, and so the human line can still survive lol .. (I have my first ultrasound in a month so will know for sure then).

Because of all the charming aspects of the pregnancy I am on full time leave from my job for another 5 weeks, and after that I will be on 50% leave until end of November. I doubt that I will go back to work full-time even after that since this pregnancy has so far been harder on my body than the last one. On the bright side, I haven't gained any weight. I am down a total of 6-7 lbs since I got pregnant, which is very good in my book. I am eating well (as much as my body allows me) and I am in general in a much better mind-frame than I was during my last pregnancy. I am still going to the shrink (even though I have skipped the last two sessions since I have been so sick) - but she has been a huge help, and I really think she is the reason why I am feeling better. She isn't really doing much, but the fact that I can vent, and have my feelings - thoughts- ect validated is helping.

As far as my doctor goes, I don't need to start looking for another one before mid October, so I am trying not to think about it. Aaannnnnd I am also going to start physical therapy which hopefully will ease the pain I have in my back and joints. As far as medicines go, I am not taking anything but a whole bunch of vitamins.. I am taking iron - D-sup and prenatal vitamins. I also just had some blood work done to see if my Folic acid and B12 levels are OK, and I am being checked to see if I am any issues with gluten. My body is not taking up the supplements as it should - so my doctor wanted to make sure it has been checked as the one last thing she did before she left. So we will see how it goes..

As far as our living situation goes, we have finally sold our current place. The new owners will take over mid November which is perfect for us. We take over the new place in 2 weeks, and that is when the work starts. And hopefully we will be done with the renovations by end of October, so we can move. We are stripping the whole place off old wall-papers - having the walls, and siling (spelling :S) fixed and painted (all though I am putting up wall-paper in the living room this time).. All the floors are going to be stripped and redone. And we are putting new floors in the kitchen and hallway. A new kitchen will be fitted - the bathroom and the extra wc will be redone. The balcony is getting new paint and floor. The walk-in closet needs to be re-designed. The old closets in the hallway will be removed, and I am not sure what to put up instead. Will be some sort of closet - just not sure what style. We also need to update the el- system, and I think that covers about it all lol... So as you see when I am not puking - I am talking to contractors, trying to find good deals - ordering stuff and so on...

This is how life has been lately.. I am so sorry I am so awol from the blog, I try to read as often as I can, but sitting behind the pc makes me ill - so I haven't done much of that. I am not really doing anything fun fun cause we can't really afford anything right now lol. We are counting every penny, and need to really watch our spending. But my bff is coming to vising this weekend for my birthday and I hope to be well enough to go out for couple of dinners with her - cause I am really tired of being cooped up.

I guess I should end this wall of text, else no one will be arsed to read it lol... I hope you ladies are all doing well.


<3


2014/08/07

Pledge!

I pledge to be skinny enough to wear shorts next summer without hating every inch of my self...



IF you were to choose ONE thing you want to do by next summer, what will it be?

2014/08/05

Saw my doctor today...

She told me she this is the last time we will see each other cause she is moving to another side of the country... Ugh..

I hate this...

I finally have a doctor here who understands me and who is helping me :s now she is going away and I am back to zero...


I DO NOT NEED THIS SHIT NOW!

2014/08/01

Update..

Our vacation is soon over. And I am OK with that.. My son needs the time in daycare to run and play with his friends.. We go out everyday, most days before and after his mid-day nap, but it's easy to see that he misses his friends. 

My bff, her hubby and kids stayed with us for 5 days last week, and even though I loved having her here, it was really though.. She and I have really different outlook on parenting, where I believe in rutines and nutrition - she is more.. Well the kids were up to all hours, and they barely ate a proper meal. She would bring out pancakes while they were eating lunch and then to say "you can't have it before you finish up" and I just never got why.. She said "it is my way to let them know something good is waiting for them if they finish up".. but really?? what kid wants to eat noodles when they have yummy pancakes sitting right there in their face?? - And of course it would end up in A LOT of screaming, discussion and crying, and the kids ending up having more of the pancakes/chocolate/cookies/ice cream instead of the real food.. 

I might be a tad overprotective but no matter how I turn and twist I just don't understand their way of thinking.. My son that is 18 months old, ate more proper meals and waaaay less snacks compared to her 4 year old.. (still she would mock me for giving my kid freshly made juice instead of sugary chocolate milk).. Anywho... 

I had my first appointment with the midwife, I will go back in mid September and I have my first ultrasound 6th of October. I must admit I am really nervous about having another kid. I just hope he/she is healthy.. 

Pregnancy so far has been OK.. I am sick.. often.. but nothing compared to the last time.. I am really really really tired and my boobs hurt like an elephant has been sitting on them for hours.. My sense of smell is off the charts.. I have always been sensitive to smells but this is just insane.. ugh.. And it being hot means there is a whole lot of stinky sweaty people out there.. Srsly people.. Shower and use a freaking deo.. I do not understand that they can smell how badly they reek.. ugh.... 

Thing is flying by and the blog-sphere is pretty silent.. I wonder where everyone is and how you are doing.. 


<3

2014/07/13

Goals of 2014..

I don't know what it is with my body and pregnancy, but my eating habits are totally different already and I am not really trying.. It's like my body says stop and I just can't eat more. Being sick, is making me start my days with some crackers, and then actually keep having a small breakfast, remember having regular breakfast was one of my goals? Well it is actually happening now. Then I have lunch, dinner and some times a little snack between those. But my portions can't really be compared to like two weeks ago. 

I have lost 5 lbs since I found out that I was pregnant, and again.. This is me not trying to lose weight. 

I still need to move more, and I am aiming to get off the bus a stop before my actual stop on the days the weather is OK. Not much, but something to aim for. 

This week is our last week at work before we go on a two weeks vacation. Well we aren't really going anywhere, but yeah, we are off work. Hopefully the weather Gods will be kind to us, and we will be able to visit the zoo, we were also planning to visit my bff in Oslo, but since I have a bad case of morning sickness, and have puked a few times (nothing compared to my last pregnancy yet though), I have asked them to come over. 

Anyways.. These are my goals for the rest of this year:
- Make better choices when I eat
- Get off my bum and move as often as I can.. It doesn't all have to be in one session, but a little here, and a little there is better than nothing
- No more haircuts .. I am so sick of going to the hairdresser and they fuck up my hair. I go in for a trim and I end up with chopped hair.. Trying to save some length and it has been taking ages. If I am going to get a trim, it will only be with the one hairdresser I trust. 
- Stop hating every aspect of my body.. This one will probably be a goal for life, and it will take years for me to deal with.. 


Do you have any goals? If so, what? 

2014/07/11

Rough night...

It's been ages since I had a night like last night. I slept in 1-2 hour intervals waking up horrified from nightmares.. Hubby woke me up a few times cause apparently I was screaming.. Or sounded like I was suffocating..

The first nightmare had the worst affect on my body.. My heart kept pumping so hard it felt like it was going through my chest.. It was like my body was trying to force me wake up.. Took around 5 mins for me to realize I was safe..

Today I stayed home from work.. I begged hubby to stay home with me so I could sleep without having more horror - but he really had to go to work.. Luckily I managed to crash on the sofa and get 3 hours of sleep with the TV on.. I really needed that. My body feels rested.. My mind still in shock..

I don't understand what brought out all these nightmares.. I thought I was done with them.. I do tend to have them once or twice now and then, but never so often in the one and same night.. And not so intense..

Do you have nightmares? How do you deal with them?

2014/07/06

Pregnant....

Don't ask me how it happened..
I can count the times I have had sex this year on one hand..

We wanted to try for another baby end of September.. I'm not sad about another baby even though it is earlier than we had planned, but I am worried.. My last pregnancy was rocky... And the time after even harder.. I am just starting to get out of my depression..

I don't think my doctor will approve..


And my mother has been here.. She just left a couple hours ago.. Surviving these days has been a binge fest.. I am tired.. So glad i planned this ahead and took two days off so I can recover.. I also have an appointment with my shrink which also is needed..

I found out my youngest sister is using heroin... She is barely 20.. And my mother still wonders why I don't bring my kid there to "spend time with his family"... Fuck that.. I am his family.. his dad is his family.. People who love him and care enough to spend time with him are his family.. blood relation doesn't matter shit..

I'm sorry..
I'm just so tired..


And I am fat.. I don't even want to face the scale after this weeks binges..
I will have to tomorrow.. I need to start tracking my weight.. I have to do as good as I did with my last pregnancy.. I do not need to get fatter..

Going to see the midwife on the 28th.. Not sure how far along I am.. Think it is 7 weeks or so.. Never understood why they count it the way they do...


That's it for now..

2014/06/30

New home and hairy bikers!

Last week we bought a new apartment. It is in the same building as we live in now, but it is on the 13th floor, we live on 6th now. And it has 3 bedrooms and an extra WC. It is in the shape that this one was when we first bought it so it means we get to fix it all and make it our own. I am actually really looking forward to that cause this time around, we know what we like, what we don't like ect. We get the keys to the new place in the middle of September, and we are hoping to be moved in by end of October. I am going to do what I did last time and put up before and after pictures when we are done :)
We wanted to buy a house, but honestly who has the time for all the garden work and so on. And with my and my hubbies allergies it would be a "you do it" war.. The other issue was that we wanted to keep living in the area that we live now, and we just couldn't afford the houses that were up-to our standard. So for now another flat it is :) Who know maybe in 5 years we will be looking into a house.

I have also joined this online diet club. It is actually the hairy bikers (the British cooks, if you know who they are). One of my co-workers and her husband has been doing this since March and the results are amazing. They have each lost over 40lbs and just look so much better. What I LOVE about this site is that you are told exactly what to eat, and how much of it to have. If you choose to swap the things for something else that suits you, you have your calorie limit for that meal. For me this is making dinners just so much easier. I see what my weekly menus is like, and just swap the ones that doesn't work for the whole family, I just look into their recipe bank and choose something in the same calorie budget. I also like the fact that it is all normal food.. So now I don't have to feel like shit when my kid puts a bite of banana in my mouth cause I am doing low carb.. And all I need to do is to dedicated a day in the weekend planning the weeks menu and make a shopping list.. I already plan our whole weeks menu ahead, but the fact that we have been eating different meals has been killing me.. I also love their progress charts.. And it is cheap.. Here a weight watchers membership costs around 33 usd per month.. This club costs less than half aka 16 usd.. And with everything they offer it is worth every single dollar.

I am also done with macros for now. Going to focus on pure calories in - and some calories out.


2014/06/16

The never ending try and fail..

I started this blog in March 2011.. My goal was to use this blog to keep up my motivation and lose the weight once and for all.. Since then I have gotten married, had a rendevouz with bulimia, gotten pregnant, battled depression, tried countless of diets, and yet here I am on my ever highest weight, where it is almost 60 lbs higher than where it was when I started this blog.

I am and have always been the master of excuses. I am the best to find reasons to change my plans, try another diet, and just give up.. I usually go on a binge fest where I gain more than I lost during the little time I spent on the diet.

Ever since then I have "met" a bunch of amazing bloggers, gotten a whole bunch of support and still I haven't managed to get anywhere close to what I was hoping for.

In spirit of "No excuses June" I am facing facts and thinking of how it has been going. These are the reasons why I have gained more weight, and am not anywhere close to where I need to be:

1: I never stick to a plan - I either give up, or find an excuse to change my plans or give up.
2: I use food to medicate my self. I use food to deal with all my emotions.
3. I always cheat, always finding a reason to cheat.
4. When I have a bad day, I end up thinking "I already had a binge meal, I can just go ahead and keep stuffing my face" and then I hop on the "I hate my self" which normally leads to several days of overeating.

Where am I going with this you wonder? Well. I have been wondering about the same myself.

The last time I saw my shrink I asked her to help me deal with my emotional issues. Teaching me to recognize and deal, and my homework is to look after what the different emotions make me feel physically. So here is the plan:

- Stop trying too hard, no more diets. Just use common sense, and practice portion control.
- Take one day at the time, one meal at the time and one kilo at the time.
- Keep working on my emotions. How to handle them. Food is not supposed to be used to nourish, it's not punishment, it is not a reward.
- A bad meal, or a bad choice does not mean I have failed and ruined the whole day.
- Measure my servings to get correct portion sizes until I learn what is a normal portion size.
- And last, I have to stick to it. Not get tempted into trying yet another diet because this one isn't giving the fast results I was hoping for.

So this is where I am at today. Still two more weeks left in June, which for me means I still have two more weeks to stay true to my plan.




2014/06/10

No excuses June...

How is everyone doing? The page is pretty dead, and I have been looking forward to see how everyone is doing with their goals, or if they want to update/define their goals.

I am doing OK with LCHF, I have been testing to see what carb levels work for me. Seems like I need to keep it pretty strict, but I am having problems with too much fat in one sitting, so I need to work on finding ways to up my fat intake and not the carbs without having to munch butter with everything.

Last night I had the sickest dream... In my dream I had gotten so fat that my belly was hanging down around my knee.. Well, the right side.. The left side was a tad higher.. I looked like one of those people you see on Supersize vs superskinny show, you know the ones the doctor uses to scare the fat person into getting in shape... I was pretty happy when I woke up and figure out that it wasn't real... But I am not happy with my body at all.. And i am not ready to give up and get to where I was in my dream..

Anyways, I guess it is all about finding the right balance for your body.. Right?

2014/06/03

No excuses!

After a slow start to June I am finally on track. It's great to see so many of you joining me on "No excuses June". I have updated the page, but feel free to leave a comment with changes and I will make sure to update them asap. :)

This weekend I took a huge step, and spent a great deal of money on my self. I rarely do that anymore, but I felt that this was something that would benefit me too much to be ignored. I bought a crosstrainer!

I have said this before, I am ashamed of being out and about trying to workout where there is a bunch of tiny girls in tiny shorts and tanks looking like ballerinas jogging on the mill like that is nothing when I am weezing after 10 mins on whatever machine. So I am bringing the gym to me.. And it is finally being delivered today! My husband promised to put it together for me tonight, and I must admit that I am really looking forward to it.

I have moved out our dining-table (we rarely used it anyways, since we mostly eat in the kitchen), and make space to have it in the living-room. There are no excuses left.. I can watch TV, talk to my husband, watch my son play and still be able to do something but sitting on my ass on the couch...

NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!

I am going to start by seeing what is the longest amount of time I can spend on it, and then keep adding to it minute by minute over time. And my goal is to be able to do 60 mins on it without passing out...

Anyways.. Looking forward to a new me... Remember ladies... No excuses.. Lets be honest with our selves and I am sure that's when we can achieve whatever we are aiming for.

2014/05/30

No excuses June!

Who is up for joining me for No excuses June?

You define your own goals.. But the idea is to reach personal goals without making excuses. If we reach or not reach our goals, we can look back at the month of June and see what we did wrong/right..

If there is any interest I thought of making a page so we can gather our goals and talk about how it is going..

Any takers?

2014/05/28

depression....

I have noticed that every time I have my period... Specially if I am late and then get it that my depression is really bad...

Does anyone else has the same problem?

2014/05/25

Live in the moment...

It's mothers day in Sweden... It's my second year as a mother... Trying to live in the moment.. 




Thank you ladies for always being there for me..

<3

2014/05/23

Fucccckkkkkkk!!!!!

2 days... 2 fucking days on eating big breakfast, eating clean and portion reduced and I am fucking 2,5 kg up!!! How the fuck is it possible?? I am so bloated that laying down I look like as I did when I was 7 months pregnant...

Fuck this shit... I can live without the fruits if it means that I go back to not being bloated and feeling tired and shitty all the time..

I am going back on the strict LCHF first ting tomorrow.. This just is not worth it... I just can not deal with all the fucking food issues anymore... I am so fed up - So fucking pissed...

And just done....





























Rant over!

2014/05/21

Changing up the diet..

I'm still coughing like I am going to die.. I actually think I might have bruised couple of my ribs cause it really hurts when I even brush my hand over that area.. Hubby did a Google search and apparently it can happen :s If it still hurts the way it was yesterday I think I should see a doc just to make sure nothing is off.. Anyways..

I haven't as I mentioned on my post doing LCHF since I got sick, and the more I think about it, I don't think I want to go back to the strict LCHF. I miss having fruits and more varied selection of veg. I will still do low carb, avoid sugar, wheat, and refined carbs, as much as possible, letting most of my carbs come from fruit and veg.

Hopping on and off LCHF has also thought me to chose clean products, instead of all the low fat stuff I used to buy. I look at what they contain and try to choose products with the shortest list possible.  I also eat 90% of my food from small plates now. It is starting to make sense now.. I have always heard and our mind looks at food and how much it is on a plate, using smaller plate makes it look more and even though you eat the same amount of food, having it on a small plate makes it look like you are eating so much more.. Who knew it works??

Remember back in September last year with I had the talk to the nutritionist and she told me I need to start eating more in the mornings? I think I am going to give that a try.. For real.. Letting breakfast being my largest meal hasn't been something I have really ever tried. Not unless it has been hungover pizza the day after a night out, and even that hasn't happen in AGES.

I dropped the idea as soon as she spoke of it back then, but I guess if the plate thing is working, why shouldn't I give the breakfast thing a go??

Anywho.. Lets see how this round goes.. It can't get any worst that it has now has it?? (Oh dear God, please don't let me jinx this too!) ..


2014/05/17

I'm so sick I feel like I'm gonna die... I have been coughing so much that my chest and tummy ache when I breath... I did so well on keto until Friday afternoon when the worst of the fever kicked in.. All I have been craving is my grams chicken soup and it has potatoes and rice ect in it.. Not to mention the amount of sugar there is in those coughing mints..

I feel just all together miserable.. It is pretty safe to say I wont be getting my reward on Monday..

I feel bloated.. I feel just icky , yucky and the rest of the 7 eow dwarfs...

It will be yet another restart as soon as I feel better.. (hopefully by tomorrow cause I don't know how much longer I can take of this coughing..)

2014/05/13

Keto, WL and rewards...

I started this post yesterday but I never got to actually finishing it up and publish it... So here it goes!

I have had a really rough night... Have been having horrible "dreams" and I am just.. Well.. I am begging God to give me this button where I could just turn off my brain..

I am staying off work today.. I just can not handle people.. Not right away anyways.. But if I can get a hold of my brain later today we are going to have a look at this place... It has 4 bedrooms - a nice open kitchen (I prefer them with a proper wall and door but this one looks nice).. A good size laundry room where I think it should be possible to get in a shower cabinet - a good bathroom, and just big enough outside area... Which is pretty private and looks nice :).. Oh and a walk-in closet with an actual window! How often do you see that? - Anyways the broker working on it is a proper asshole.. He is rude and unprofessional... Hopefully the place is as good as the pictures so it's worth the hassle and having to deal with the broker is worth it..

I have also had a bad day on keto.. And I have been thinking (specially after day 11 on the challenge) that a reward system should be good to have in-place.

It's Monday morning, and a great day to restart and have another chance of making it right.. So this is what I am putting up for now..

If I stay true to my diet, and don't give into anything else but keto until next Monday, I am going to order my self a new phone. Mine is starting to die after all the times my son has been "playing" with it, and lost it on the floor.. And I saw that if I order the new Iphone5s (I want it in gold) I will also get a Fitbit Flex since they have a campaign going on.
If I stick to the plan for another week, I am going to get a Scholl foot file. I have read a bunch of good review about it and I can not wait to try it, specially before summer.
After two weeks I am going to put up more rewards but I am going to set those up after weight goals.

Today things are a tad different.. The house I mentioned wasn't the one for us.. Lets just say it looked better on pictures than real life.. We looked at another today and we would have to spend around 1000000Sek on it to make it live-able... So we are not sure if we want to bother/risk it... So I guess we will see...

Other than that I am doing good on my diet. It is so much easier to stick to it when I am at work and busy.. So things are looking good so far :)

That's it for now ladies!

<3


2014/05/10

100 day keto challenge pt 2

I will make a page for it here so it is easier to just click on the tab and hop on the page if anyone else would like to join us :)

PS: if anyone has instagram I would love to have you guys there, mine is mostly food related cause I use it to post meals on "my eats" tab .. Anywho.. my instagram name is : sheislosingit82

2014/05/07

She's alive!

I am the suckiest blogger! I just have been sucking in so many ways that I just haven't been wanting to admit it to my self...

Anyways, here is an update of how things have been since my last post..

The shrink I have been seeing has been on her holiday so I haven't seen her for a few weeks.. It has been a battle, and I am looking forward to have her back.. Unfortunately there is still a couple of weeks before I have my next appointment. So I am trying to stay as positive as possible and just wait for her to get back..

I also had a follow up with my doctor, and she had gotten the results of my blood-work back.. I had dangerously low levels of D- vitamin, and my iron levels were on the edge of also being dangerously low.. This explains why I have been so freaking tired.. I have been going to bed around 8 and never feeling fully rested regardless of the amount of sleep I have been getting.. I have also been more moody than usual (my mood has been pretty steady since I started the anti depression meds).. Anywho.. I started on the supplements today and she told I should be feeling much better in a couple of days.. She also prolonged my sick leave until end of July, which means I will keep working 50% until then. We also talked about reducing my anti depression pills to the lowest dose in June.. They don't seem to have that much of affect without the therapy, and we want to try to see if I can skip the pills all together when I get back on with my session again..

This probably doesn't make sense for those of you not living in Sweden, but this also means we can wait longer with trying to get pregnant, cause as long as I am on my sick-leave they can not reduce the amount of money I will get paid when I go on my mommy leave next time around.. If I wasn't on a sick-leave I would have to get pregnant by august to protect my mommy leave income - but now we don't have that pressure on us.. Well on me.. Cause even though I do want another kid, I am not ready for it yet. We have talked about it.. And we have decided to try for another baby somewhere around end of fall... Which would mean another baby by end of 2015..

I also got informed that I will be leaving a day earlier for our company trip in September. Me and some of my co-workers are supposed to be there and prep the tech stuff so we are ready when the rest of them arrive the day after.. Which means an extra evening in the sun! I am really looking forward to that.. It will be the first time I am away from my son since he was born, but the idea of the sun is just too tempting to pass!
I remade my chart, to wipe away the failed couple of weeks I have had behind me, and to extend it to last until around the time I am leaving for the company trip- which will be end of September..

My main goal is to lose weight (as always), but since numbers can sometimes not be what we want them to be, if I manage to shop at a "normal store" I will be happy with the results.. My plan is to follow LCHF diet, but to practice proper portion control. I keep failing with my portions and one way or another I have to get a grip and start learning how much to eat.. I will be using myfitnesspal more and if any of you has a account there and aren't my MFP friend, feel free to add me.. My username is Sheislosingit82.. Do leave me a msg saying who you are, cause there are a whole lot of weirdos who keep adding you and I really don't want a bunch of random friends there..

We are still looking after a new place, but we are taking our time until we find the perfect home. I will make sure to post a link if/when we find something :)

I guess that's it for now ladies!

<3



2014/04/23

Company trip....

We are leaving to Majorca with my work... It will be a long weekend by end of September....
Need to lose some weight by then.. A whole lot of it.....

We just bought this other company and it is filled with skinny blonds which make a normal person look like a whale.. Me next to those.. Well lets say it can't happen...

2014/04/22

Trigger warning

Please don't read cause if you are on this page you probably have a bunch of the same issues that I have.. I just need to put down the convo in my brain so I can breath...






























You are a huge whale
I'm a good mother
Your kid will be teased cause you are a fat hog
He loves me
You are so fucked up that one day C. will wake up and leave you
I am trying to lose weight
You fail.. You always fail.. You never seem anything through
I am getting help
You can not be helped
Maybe it is time for me to up my meds
Maybe it is time for you to cut off a limb or so.. That's one way of losing weight.. 
He needs me
You can't run and play with him
I want more kids
More kids to watch you blow up?
I need to get rid of the food in me..
You stopped purging you fail fuck.. 
I want to be thin..
You will NEVER be thin..
You will NEVER look good..
You will NEVER be able to shop in a normal clothing store..
You are waste of space.. Waste of money.. 
I need to lose weight..
Go eat until you die..
I want to exercise..
I will call the neighbors letting them know an elephant will be jumping around.. 
I fail at everything
I will never be thin
Nothing I do is good enough
I never see anything through
I will never look good
I don't need help, I need to stop eating and get rid of this fat
I can live off this fat for months
You are not strong enough to stop eating
You are not strong enough to get thin
When you die they will need a casket big enough to fit 4 people
My son loves me
He doesn't know any better



I just want to be thin........................................................................................................

2014/04/20



Ok... I have made this chart and I know it looks like it has been done by a 5 year old but hell ^^ I don't care :) The chart is from tomorrow and ends 29 of June. Which means it is 10 full weeks. My goals for the duration of those 10 weeks are to:

Stick to my calorie limit every day (1400 calories)
Burn 3500 calories a week doing some sort of activity
Do something that makes me feel good about my looks once a week

I'm gonna use the chart to track weight and calories burned - and I am also gonna be just like a kid and give my self a silver start on the days I stay within my calorie budget. And the days I do something that makes me feel good about my looks gets a heart. And I am looking forward to see what the chart looks like by the end of those 10 weeks. 

I am ashamed to say that as we speak my weight has reached the top of Everest and I weigh in at 119.1 kg which is 262.5 lbs.. I know the numbers are more than any of you probably imagined, but for me telling you guys how bad it all is, is a step to admitting that I have a problem that is bigger than what I have thought it is. 

My goal for the duration of the 10 weeks is to get under 100 kg, which means I need to get rid of 19.2 kg or 42.3 lbs.. For someone with the amount of weight I have to carry it should not be a hard number to achieve. 

My plan is simple.. Eat 3 meals - snacks can be fruit or vegetables.. No food after 7 pm (unless it is an special event like my husbands birthday in June). 

There will be a reward by the end of the 10 weeks if I stick and reach my goal. I have to figure out what the reward will be, so I am open for ideas. 

Anyways that is it for now.. I just want to lose weight... 

2014/04/19

Happy Easter!

I am officially the worst blogger ....
I promise I will make a proper post soon... Things are just so hectic.... *sigh*

2014/03/28

Been a while...

I have been wanting to make a post for a while but I have either been distracted having to do something, or too tired to post.. Buuuuut here it goes :)

Where to start...

I guess we can start with the therapy.. It is actually going better.. One week she wanted me to write down what I have been doing for a whole week and rate my actions 1 being me feeling horrid 10 being me feeling amazing.. The week after she asked me to think over what my week had looked like, and what I wish a perfect week would look like. And it actually made me sit down and think about how I wanted things to be. My husband and I talked about it, and we are trying to take small steps towards the "perfect week". Being able to think about it and agree that we would like our weeks look that way has been bringing us closer.

And last week, well last week we opened the "mother load" lol.. Aka we talked about my relationship with mother.. How she has been to me through the years.. We didn't really get to go into it expect from me talking about our background, but it felt soooo good to see the shrinks face when I was talking about her.. She was completely shocked, and she was nodding and shaking her head... That alone makes me really realize that our problems isn't only in my head.. We have couple of more sessions planned and then we are supposed to evaluate if I need to keep seeing her, and if I get my way we will keep at it.

My allover mood is much better.. I haven't had more than one or two episodes where I have felt really down the last weeks, and I can not remember the last time I felt this ok.. Things aren't normal, but things are OK, and it is easy to see how it is also affecting our family dynamic. We are all more relaxed, and generally happier.

As far as work and my sick leave, I have been working half days, and it is actually working fine. Today I was approached by the manager of another team in our company, about starting to do some project for her dep. and I have been wanting to work in that dep. ever since I started working for that company. So I am really looking forward to that. I am also going to have a talk to my manager on either Monday or Thursday about a raise. And this means I can push them a little further. And more money would really help right now..
I am supposed to meet this person about my leave (she works for place that pays out the money while you are on the leave). I am not looking forward to it.. I just don't want to talk to some random person about the reason why I am on the leave... Ugh...

Anywho... The reason why money would help is because we are looking into moving into a house. We are going to look at one this Sunday, and it is the first place I have seen in ages that would actually fit us, and which we could afford... I really hope the house is as good as it looks in the picture, and that there wont be a whole bunch of people bidding over what we can afford... So keep them crossed ladies.. !

As far as my weight goes, it has been going up and down, and I haven't been really watching my eats, until a week ago. I have started the low carb high fat diet again, and I am going to stay at it for now. I am down 5lbs and am looking forward to lose more.

I guess that is it for now :) Have a great weekend ladies.


<3

2014/03/20

Happy Nowruz!

Count down to Persian new years! So in 8 mins.. We will all have a new start... 

Happy Nowruz (which means new day) ladies... 


2014/03/10

It's been a while since I have posted a proper post, so I figured it was about time I did that. 
I have been working on and off everyday (we have had some horrible flu sessions) - and ever since my last appointment with my doctor I have been working half days. I had another doctors appointment and they renewed my sick leave, so I will work half days until first week of May, and I really really hope I will be able to get some more sick leave after that. It's been so great to have my husband take out daddy hours, so he can get our son from day care. I finally feel like I have had a chance to breath.. Having him around the house has been good.. I don't feel like a single parent anymore and it's been doing wonders for my mood. 

I have also been taking my meds everyday now for the last two weeks, and I don't have the insane moodswings anymore. Yesterday my husband said that he noticed a change in my mood, and that I wasn't angry with him all the time anymore.. I am not sure if it is the pills, or that fact that I am not as stressed anymore, or even that we have had better weather and we have had some sun lately.. But I am really glad that something is working. Everything is not fine, but not always being on the edge is making things easier to handle. The side affects of the pills are also getting better.. I don't feel as sick anymore, and I don't have the insane headaches.. I am however really tired, and been going to bed early almost every night.. 

I am also eating less cause I don't have the insane emotional cravings.. I haven't really lost that much of weight though. But I guess it's because I am still eating more than I should.. 100-200 grams here and there doesn't really count. So yeah I really need to get a grip soon.... 

I have also started my therapy again, I had the first session today, and I am going to see her every week for the next 5 weeks, and we are going to take it from there. She had me write this journal over how my days were, and today we talked about what I was missing.. And this week, I am supposed to write another journal and write down how a perfect week would look like for me. It really gets you thinking doesn't it?? 

We are also taking a mini trip to Norway this week.. We are to leave early Thursday morning, and will get back Sunday around midnight.. We are going to stay at my bff's and I am really looking forward to have some girl time with her.. I really wish we could afford to move back to Oslo.. But it really would be such a huge setback for us, that I am not sure if it's worth it... *sigh*

I guess I didn't that much to say anyways lol ... 
Take care ladies :) 


<3

2014/03/03

The rules of normal eating!I

I just ordered this book to my kindle.. I have a book I am going to finish and then I am going to read this one.. Any has read it ?
One of the times I feel most lonely is when I am sitting in a coffee shop alone.. I miss having friends and a proper social life here so much... 

Why is this so hard??? Ugh... 

2014/03/01

Yesterday, hubby wanted pizza for dinner. So we got a large pizza, and guess what??

I only had two slices!!!!!!!

I have never ever managed to say no to more pizza...

2014/02/25

I am considering to take my pills again.. 
I wont be able to see my doctor again until second week of March and I am thinking about taking them until then.. 

Why?? 

To get a tad more stable mood and lose weight... 

What do you think?? 

2014/02/23

Personal challenge!

I need to do something..
I need to get back on track.. And I need to make some changes.

My gym membership goes out in 6 weeks.. I have barely used this very very expensive membership cause I was just too ashamed to go there.. If I manage to get my self to get there 3 times a week during the next 6 weeks I am going to reward my self with something great.

Things I am considering as a reward:
- New membership at a less expensive gym
- A laser hair-removal treatment
- New sunglasses

I have also been thinking that I should try to make time for the whole family to eat together. My son is getting older and I would like for him to experience how it is to have family dinners. The last few months, we have eating in shifts.. My son eats - then I eat while my hubby is putting him to bed, and then my husband eats. Even my husband and I rarely eat at the same time anymore - and 99,9% of our meals is in front of the TV and it really isn't something I want to teach my son. Anyhow.. My idea is for us to try to eat dinner together, and I also want to start making dinners that all of us can eat, so I don't have to cook different dinners, for us and for my son. Anyways, either this week, or next I am going to try to make it happen. I also am going to try to follow recipes and make some new meals. You know how it is to see a picture of the most perfect meal on tumblr - browsing some page or something like that??! Well I am a good cook, I want to try to make those meals.

And last and not least, I want to have date nights. I feel like my husband and I kind of have lost our "lover" part of the relationship. We went out for dinner on valentines, and it was the first time ever since we became parents. So once a month, we are going to get a baby sitter and go out. Just the two of us.

So yeah... These are my personal challenges.. You got any??





2014/02/18

Therapy, pills and all that jazz!

I started the pills... I hopped off the pills.. I know they say the first weeks you take the meds it's worst, but I had so many side effects I couldn't function.. (I have been a day off and it stills is in my body :S)

My head.. It feels like an elephant has been sitting on my heat.. And like some one is pushing on my brain from the sides :S... I felt weak and tired... I felt really really sick ALL the time.. I wasn't sick when I was pregnant even. Dry mouth.. Always thirsty.. Oh and I had issues peeing.... The list is long!

Anyways.. I maybe shouldn't have done it. But I just couldn't deal with it anymore..

I also had my first therapy session.. She had someone canceling so she called me and asked if I could come in.. I did and we starting talking about how I handle things.. And as you know I handle everything with food.. So she started talking about the anxiety levels and how to handle them with something else but eating..

You want to hear her wonderful amazing advice.. She said...

Just wait it out.... 

lol... I know!! I was waiting for her to give me all this wonderful tools about how handling my emotions and how to stop the emotional eating ect.. and all she says is "just wait it out" lol. After some talks I came with this idea maybe trying to wait an hour and then do something.. And she thought it was a great idea, but I must say I kind of find it weird that she didn't have any tools for me..

Does your therapist give you "tools" and guidelines of how to deal??


2014/02/10

Pills!

I have decided I am going to take the pills..
I'm gonna start them tomorrow morning (the doc said it's best to take them in the morning to avoid insomnia)

I figured that we aren't going to try for the baby before end of March/April, and it it still a while to go till then. And I mean, I should give it a try else I will regret it, right?

Is it also kind of sick that I am actually hoping that I will lose some weight on this pill since it is the first common side affect?


2014/02/07

So the meds they want me to take are called: Venlafaxin Actavis..

I am actually considering not taking them and see where the therapy with the shrink leads first.. I am too worried about what happens if I'm on it and get pregnant.. Specially since we are planning to try for another baby starting end of next month...

I mean it's not sure that it will even work... Is it worth the risk? *sigh*

What do you guys think?

I should also mention there are NO studies at all on pregnant woman... Only animal tests... They assume it is ok to take during pregnancy..

2014/02/06

Officially a nutcase!

So I had my doctors appointments.. I have been put on anti-depressive pills.. I am supposed to start on the first dose as soon as possible, and then up the dose to the "second level" a week after. I don't remember the name, but I can mention it when I have picked them up.

The doctor said that it would help the depression within 3-8 weeks... It is also one of the pills that don't make you gain weight.. It is supposed to also help with the Fibromyalgia pain.. And it is supposedly OK to use while you are pregnant, or if you are trying to get pregnant (which freaks me out).... I am supposed to call them in 3 weeks, and then make another appointment to see if they are working or what to do..

I also had the session with the shrink.. Apparently I am such a nutcase that they had to register me in this rehab program.. Where we will have weekly therapy sessions, and it is supposed to go over 6 sessions to begin with and then we will have another evaluation. Fun fact.. We can not start the plan until almost mid March cause she didn't have any available hours.

For now... I dunno... I guess I will work 50% and take it from there..
I'm just too tired to function...





I filled in forms.. One asked for my weight... I left it blank.... Couldn't deal...... *sigh*

2014/02/03

Mess!

I'm sorry ahead cause this post will be sort of messy..
Just like my head..

So my plan was to work 60% and have mommy leave 40% of the time, so my son doesn't have to stay in daycare for too long.. But I have been so sick lately.. You know so much pain.. And my head is just.. A mess.... The weather is not exactly helping, so I have decided to go to the doctor and have him give me sick leave so my husband could use daddy hours and pick up our son ect..

There is this system here where you gotta apply to get paid when you are on sick leave, and today I found out that I can not work 60% and be sick 40%.. I either have to work 75% or 50%...
And I know, a whole lot of people think that it is great.. Work less.. But this really feels like a kick in the head for me..

I am just not in a place physically or mentally to work 75%... But having to reduce my work to 50% feels like I am disabled... Does it make sense?.. I had missed my co-workers (most of them) and I have missed my team leader, and we are finally connecting again.. And poof, I have to reduce my work hours?? It is so fucked up that  you are forced to work less when you feel like you are in a place where your hours are just enough.

And my mood is just so horrible.. I am sleeping so horridly.. I keep having these fucking nightmares, where my mother is my sons mother.. And I keep trying to save him from her.. How fucked up isn't it??
And my mother.. My fucking mother.. Fuck her.. I am just so sick and tired of her... So sick and tired of trying to act like nothing matters... Fuck her.. Fuck all of them..

If there is one thing life has thought me is that the people who keep tossing in your face that they are your family are just shit.. People who stick up for you and are there for you, are your real family.. With or without blood relations...

...
I'm just so tired... I just want to mental war to stop.. I'm turning 32 this year.. Things have been fucked up for over 20 year.. When is it my fucking turn to get a break??

No more fucked up dreams... No more constant pain.. I'm just... I just can't deal with it anymore...

I guess we should hope that the shrink I'm gonna see is a great one, cause she sure has her work made out for her...

2014/01/30

License!

Ladies! I AM DONE!
Got my license today!! I had to do my practical test again today (I failed last week, since my son was vomiting all night and I barely got 3 hours of sleep) but I am finally done!!

Finally a goal has been reached this year... First time in years I actually set a goal and reach it!

2014/01/28

Thursday next week at 3PM... That's when I have an appointment with a shrink.. A new one..
I called today, crashing. They took me in as an "urgent matter" case, and this was the first available session..

Anywho.. I will make a proper post later...

2014/01/19

Update!

Things have been very hectic.. As I mentioned my son started kindergarten almost two weeks ago.. It's been going well. He likes it there and plays well with the other kids..  He has however developed a HUGE case of separation anxiety.. It's worst with me.. When we are together he doesn't want me to put him down, or go away from me.. It was so bad that he would start screaming as soon as I went through a door.. Any door..
We think he is smart enough to understand that going through doors means we are going away from the place he is at, but he is still so young (he turns 14 months next week) that he doesn't understand that we will be back shortly.. 

Since this weekend was my last weekend at home before I go back to work I kept him with me this Friday, and we have been on top of each other the whole weekend, and his anxiety seems to be much better. It breaks my heart to see my baby in in so much stress and so upset.. And I wish I could stayed home with him for few more months.. It's insane how fast time goes by.. Here is a picture of him from a few weeks ago.. He is getting big, isn't he? :) 


edit: remove picture

As you also might remember I have been talking about getting my drivings license.. I have my theory test this Tuesday, and the practical drivers test this Wednesday.. I am not worried about the practical test, but I am a tad worried about the theory part.. I am going to be studying when ever I can until then. So hopefully by end of this Wednesday I have my license! Keep them crossed for me ladies.. I know I need it lol ^^

As far as weight and diet goes, I haven't really been doing anything special.. I have lost around 4lbs.. I am going to get back on the LCHF diet after my practical test is done. I don't want to risk to have the "keto flu" while I have so much to think about. And my plan is (as I have probably mentioned before) to keep at it until end of March, and then take it from there. I am also hoping to be able to get to the gym in the evenings (after my son goes to bed) when I finally get my license. The weather here has been pretty insane, and with my fibromyalgi I can't really be out and about in this wind. So yeah, I really really hope to get my license this Wednesday.. 

And to top everything I am going back to work tomorrow.. I really am not looking forward to it.. I made this deal with my team leader, which lets me work 62.5% (aka 8am - 1pm, working through lunch). So now I can pick my son up a tad earlier from kindergarten. So my days will be get up around 6.. Out of the house around 7.. Work 8 to 1.. Pick up my son around 2... When we get home, it's snack  time, bath/play time.. Dinner time.. My hubby will get home sometime after 5pm and then it's bedtime for the kid.. lol I get tired just typing it... 

Anywho.. This is it for me for now... Hope you ladies are having a great weekend.. 


<3


2014/01/07

So... I am so unstable it's not even funny anymore..
I was sobbing for so long last night that half of my pillow was too wet to sleep on...

There are so many changes happening now a days, like my son starting kindergarten and I am just not ready for it.
My weight is sky high..
The weather here is being just horrible.. The wind is so strong and the pain of it is killing me..
I am having a pregnancy scare.. I shouldn't be pregnant.. But I am 3 days late.. It could be all the stress..

I feel like I am a ticking bomb, unstable and just ready to blow up.. Ugh.. I hate this.. One minute I am laughing over your "sperm water" comments, the other I am sobbing cause of some random thing..

Anywho.. Another day tomorrow.. Another day to try to get it all work..

I am going to try Nasimiyu's plan .. Her plan is :
- Green smoothie for breakfast
- Sandwich for lunch
- Green smoothie for snack (I will probably replace this with fruit/veg or even a quest/protein bar)
- Low carb dinner of some sort

I'm gonna get to bed really early today.. It's been a hard, emotional, and way too long day....

2014/01/06

I HATE natural plain coconut water.. It looks and tastes like sperm.. Ugh...

How can something so horrible come from something so wonderful like coconut?? Ugh.....
Costing almost 5 dollars a cup it is just not worth it... Ugh.. I feel sick remembering the taste...


2014/01/02

My mom is going back tomorrow and I can not wait to get on with my plan.. I have a great feeling about this and I think I will do much better this time, and hopefully will keep at it and turn it into a lifestyle instead of a diet!