Busy bee!

This weekend has been insane..
We got the flat on Friday and the work started on Saturday. They have stripped the kitchen cabinets and floor and the hallway floor and closet along with the walk-in closet. The bathroom renovation starts today.
We have bought new wooden floors.. It is black oak to put on the hallway floors, in the walk-in closet and the kitchen. It is very very pretty.

When we got the flat on Friday - I got this panicky feeling. It felt like it was too much. And the horrid smell.. Ugg.. But it is looking better already and the smell is almost gone after we removed the kitchen and the closet and so on. So that is a good sign. And I think it will get very pretty by the time we are done.

I couldn't find my camera so the before pictures are taken on my cell- hope they turn out OK.

Over to something else. I finished reading Unbearable Lightness last night and I loved it.. It was so easy and comfy to read.. And I could relate to her feelings and thought in so many levels. And the ending was just so nice. I also loved the ending and her thoughts around intuitive eating. How we should learn to listen to our body. Eat when it asks for it- stop when we are full. And I have never managed that. I never eat cause I am hungry, and stop cause I full. I either binge - or under eat cause of my counts. I have DL'ed this book on my kindle and I hope to get a how to plan.

It would be such a bliss to stop the counting- and the binging- and the "cravings".. The hunger.. The good/bad food lists.. So ya we will see how it goes.

On the other note I have "stolen" the 60 day challenge from Samzi and I want to start on it cause I think it sounds like such a fun plan. I have made a page for it. and going on it from today.

The weekly challenge is: 
Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.

Mine will be skipping breakfast. I tend to skip it or not have anything more than tea/coffee. And then have a half of a sandwich around lunch time and count it as breakfast. So if there is one thing I have always wanted to change and think can do - is this.

Day 1: 

How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).

I am 163 cm tall (it's around 5'3.5 I think) - and I haven't been on the scale since Thursday cause I had my monthly visit. But my weight then was 108.7 kg aka 239.6 lbs. (Yup horrid but that's what it is). I hope to be under 100 kg after the 60 days. So I hope to lose 10 kg - aka 20 lbs. I think it a doable number.


I have been off MFP the last 3 days- and I haven't counted at all. We have been out all day almost, and my cell app is acting up. I have not been on the scale either cause I have had my period. It was over yesterday, and I will get on the scale on Wednesday for the planned weekly weigh- in. Really hope I have lost some weight. Can't really tell at the moment since I have been really bloated..

@ Sasha: Great, I am following the new blog as we speak :)
@ Star: Thanks for the follow hon- I had a look at your blog and it seemed to be in Spanish, hence why I am not following back. Let me know if you have a blog in English :)
@Mia, Miranda, Run: Ya I had a talk to my leader today and explained the situation. He understands and hopefully there will be no more stinky situations like that.
@Nasimiyu: I loved it.. Enjoy the read :)

Anywho.. Off for now




Watching the movie again.. I had a sudden urge.. Weird.. But it sure is full av motivation (aka girls with amazing bodies) hehe..

I have decided I am taking the rest of the week off. I sort of had an argue with my teamleder on Tuesday - which made my sucky day even worse.

The thing is I am like super over sensitive.. Extreme sound- light-- But the thing that I react most to is smell. I can not deal with fish- onion- garlic.. It has gone really bad with the fibromyalgi. But I never ever thought I would have to argue about it at work..

This guy at work keeps eating at his desk.. And you know I don't mind it cause normal people have like some fruit, or yogurt or something like that. But he eats like hot food - or salad with raw onions dunked in garlic dressing..

I have asked him several times to don't cause it really makes me sick.. I get really ill... And last Tuesday it got so bad.. His onion garlic shit- along with his fucking power ball.. (Yes ladies.. He brings a toy to work *sigh*).. And it was so bad that I moved from my desk and went downstairs with my laptop to work..

When I got back (like two hours later) - I had a chat with my teamleader, saying how ill this made me - and that I have brought it up several times and rest of the guys respect it but that fucktard..

And then he said "but he was only eating a salad" ..... Come on.... What the hell is that for a pro workplace? I love my job and most of my co-workers. And I am so sick of that guy..

It's not like I am being unfair, asking for something weird... Anywho.. The convo ended with an ultimatum from me.. I said "if this happenes again, and you do not tell him to stop, I am packing my shit and going him - and will work from home from then"..

But when I got home.. I just got more angry.. So I needed a break- and I decided to just take call in sick.. and I did that yesterday.. And today.. And will tomorrow..

But in the middle of all of this shit.. I got my period yesterday.. 8 days too early.. And today I woke up with a hell of UIT (Urinary tract infection).. Anywho.. I got to the doc and got some antibiotics for it.. And I am feeling better already but ya...

Anywho.. Enough about this shit... Tomorrow is the big day.. Taking over the new flat.. I am really looking forward to that..  :)

Yesterday didn't end up liquid, but I did really good with my eat- and woke up weigh in less than I did yesterday even with my period..

@ Seeking Something Else : thanks hon.. It is good to know that I am not alone hehe :)

Anywho... Off for now :)


THIS is what I want..

I came across this picture on tumblr and I LOVE it.... 


Today will be a "liquid" day..

I am taking the day off from work. I just couldn't deal with it. So I am home today. I haven't had a whole day at home since the last time where I was so ill I was coughing my lungs out hehe, so this is going to be good.

Last night I cleaned out my closet. I am tossing a whole lot of cloths. Stuff that are too old- or that don't fit right.. And today I am cleaning some more. Everything has been stuffed in closets for the showings we have had of our current place. So I want to get things out and put them where they are supposed to be.

I also want to clean the kitchen. It's been so messy- and I am tired of waiting on hubby to clean up after him self. So I am going to do it. I am also going to have a "liquid" day today. Aka - Coffe, tea, and a probiotic drink for breakfast , protein shake for lunch - and soup for dinner. Some more tea and couple liters of water for snack.

I am down around 5 lbs since I started watching and couting again. I am happy for that, but I am not really happy with how the last days have been, I mean sure the counts have been OK- but the content of what I have been eating could have been better. I think I would have lost more, if I had been more carefull. And that is exactly what I will be doing from today.


I am also going to have some girly time. I want to fix my nails and my eye brows. I also bought Portia De Rossi's book unberable lightness for my kindle. And I am really looking forward to read that :)

Anyways girls .. I am gonna get on that .. Take care of you all..



This picture is just soo funny! I wish I could lose wight bitching :P I'm really good at it lol


Has anyone seen Dr. Oz's story on Colleen Williams? She is 700 lbs.. *sigh* .. This story is insane.. I can not imagine that life.. And I am so afraid.. So so afraid.. I know if I do not change my life I could end up like that.. And I am so glad I restarted my journey few days ago.. That will not who I become... 



I was feeling all well this morning and then I got to work and our morning meeting.

We are going to have this after-work gathering with 2 other deps - and I had said that I could stay over after work for a little while.

So today we got this email where they had put a small picture of everyone that had said they will come - and made a "get your coworks to come" mail out of it.. So during the meeting the subject of the party was brought up - and then one of the guys says "there is a girl in the picture and I have no idea who that is" - so the phone with the mail and the pic was passed to couple more and they were all "oh I have no idea who that is" - so I was like "let me see" .. And guess what... The picture was me...

And then they are like "No it's not you- you don't look like that" ... 

The picture is like 7 years old and someone took it from my facebook page- but still that is what I look like.. I  am the same me - with darker hair and less make up..

But wtf.. No one could see that is was me??

And I know.. Boys will be boys.. Working in a team with 11 other guys means I have to deal with a whole lot of stupid manly comments- but I mostly just ignore it and put it in the "stupid boys file" ... But this really really hurt me.. And I am really upset cause I do not understand why I am letting this get to me so much..

Is is cause I weighted less there and now I don't? - or cause they think I looked much better there... I mean who gives a fuck about what they think right?? *sigh*

I feel really bad now..

Anywho.. I'm gonna be off for now.




Hear hear...

I just have my first binge free weekend in YEARS..... Yup.. You heard it! I had one unplanned meal- but it was a meal- and no binge.. 

I have my official weigh in on Wednesday.. But the scales was 1.5 kgs down yesterday.. 

I want to give a huge thanks to Miranda.. Honey that last comment of yours really got to me. I could almost hear you shouting at me hehe- "get though with your self".. Thanks <3 
It's like.. I know I need to - I never care enough to "get though on my self" ... But I will :) Actually I am! ... I am going to keep this trend going :) 

What else... 

Oh ya.. We bought an apple tv thingi.. hehehe.. I am ttly inlove with it.. We were at this shop to have a look at the fridge/freezer options for the new place - and there it was.. Played some with it yesterday and I heart it hehe.. So if you have a hubby/BF/GF who loves gadgets and owns a mac/iphone/ipad - this is THE give away christmas gift ^^ 

The other thing I bought there was an air popper.. I have been looking for one for AGES.. But they are not common in Scandinavia - so I couldn't find it. I LOVE popcorn- and I have been avoiding it cause even the ones you make in the microwave can be so fatty.. So now I can pop my own fat free popcorn ^^ 

I feel much better girls- thanks for all your concern. I have been having lot more sleep (aka more than 4-5 hours per night) and I feel more relaxed. 

I have also bought a whole bunch of weight watchers frozen meals that I have been eating for my dinners along with some green salad for dinner and it has really been helping me control my intake. I was really surprised over how tasty and low cal they are. I will most likely replace all my dinners (ex from couple of family dinners) with it. I manage to control my intake well during the days- it is weekend and night time I have a huge issue with- but these meals are really helping me cope with the dinner time binge cravings. 

I noticed that I managed to stay under 1000 cals on Friday (that's when I started with those meals) and around 1200-1300 in the weekends. (My weekends munch tend to be way over 2k so this really is a win).. And that is how I plan to keep going.

I'm gonna put up a page for weigh in Wednesday (again) and update it once a week. I know I wont be able to skip the scale - and stay off it. But Wednesdays are going to be the official weigh in day.

Anywho :)

We are taking over the flat on Friday and I am going to take a whole bunch of before pictures. The guys we hired to do the kitchen/floors are starting on Saturday. They are going to just pull out everything - and they will take it out on Monday, and then start putting down the new wood floors in the hallway and the kitchen.

The bathroom guys will start on Monday (that should be done in 2-3 weeks). Yaay for that!

OMG I just noticed - there is like 4 weeks left till we are moving- maybe I should start packing around already so we can toss whatever we don't need.

We still have no painters though- so we should figure that out soon. Oh and they will deliver the kitchen cabinets around week 45- and they are going to start on it from week 46 ( aka mid November ) and it takes 3-4 weeks to be done.

There is one thing we aren't sure about. and that is what we are going to do with the closet in the hallway. I mean we have the walk in closet in the end of the hallway- and we are going to have a wardrobe in the bedroom. The one that I am talking about is in the "original" shape- and it has two long doors and two small ones on the top. I was thinking maybe we can use one side (there is a wooden wall in the middle) as storage for the cleaning stuff - and the other side to hang winter jackets and just paint the doors to match the rest of the walls in the hallway.  OR should we just empty it - and remove it and put it a new one with those doors you can shove to the sides.. Ermm - like this.

But then sort of built inn the wall- if you know what I mean.... I guess it means yet another expense and I am not sure if we can have it with everything going on.. So we will see.. It would be cool though hehe

Over to something else.. I am so sick of the gastro guy.. He really makes me ill... Like I feel like I am going to vomit just being close to him.. I don't talk much to him anymore -but I still have to since he still works in the same company. And I just had a case where I needed to check some facts with him.. So I sat there talking to him for couple of mins.. It was maybe less than that even.. Now it feels like my legs and everything are itchy.. like ugg... Wtf... And the smell.. OMG.. The fucking smell... I do not understand how ppl that sit around him don't vomit.. It is horrid..

And I must say.. He is just waste of tax money.. Our taxes pay for his surgery and recovery and the fucktard is still stuffing his face.. How is it even possible.. Every single documentary I have seen about this say that you just can NOT eat solid food for months after it.. How the fuck does he manage to eat so much? He is ALWAYS eating.. Everytime I pass him he has food or juice in his hand.. There is always candy/salted nuts around his keyboard (another yuck factor) ... He brings food from home - AND gets takeaways every freaking lunch.. How does he get it down??

Ugg.. Enough about it.. I need to use to anti bac on my legs or something.. Cause I still feel itchy and ugg ... and its like 15 mins ago I was there...

I never thought I could dislike a person so much just cause who/what they are.. But I guess it is possible..

Anyways.. I am going to be off for now..

Dreading this meeting I have in less than an hour... So wish me luck....



Bad night = good morning - new motivation

I had a really bad night after my horrid day yesterday.. I went home and did a whole lot of cooking (that is my way to relax) - so now hubby has a bunch of proper and healthy food for his lunches at work.. Then I watched princess and the frog (Cartoons always get me in a better mood) - and I felt much better. Then we hit the sack - talked and was ready to go to sleep... I am pretty good dealing with my pains- but yesterday was kind of bad- and by the time the lights were off- and I was trying to get some sleep.. I just got more and more frustrated.
My right knee was aching really bad- I could chew off my arms to get rid of the pain.. And then in the middle of the night. I started crying.. I cried- and cried and cried.. I think I was crying for an hour or so...
I cried cause I was in pain.. Not only on the outside- but also the inside.. I was hurting cause I know the my knee hurting like this is most likely cause of my weight. I know that if I get lighter- It will be so much easier on my joints.. I cried cause I have let it go this far- cause I keep disappointing my self.
Cause this year is almost over - and yet again I have not lost any weight.. I managed to get my self 14 lbs heavier than I had every been before. But that is that.. I think I have given my self way too many chances to fuck up.. I have given my self way too many excuses.
I am done planning and failing cause I just talk.. From today I will just do... I will practice self control. And I make the right choices. It is not like I do not know HOW to do this shit.. I just never do it..
I know I said this before - but this time I mean it.. I am not gonna go into details of what I am going to do - I just know I am going to count everything and stop at the bite that is my limit.

There is one thing I can promise though.. I am done disappointing my self..


PS: @ Miranda: His family lives here.. His grandparents going to be living like 2 mins walk away from our new flat.. But you are right.. I am going to stop letting them stress me - and stand up for us.. Thanks :) <3


Getting fatter and fatter..

Ladies.. I am right back at my fattest weight ever.. Almost- not far off.. 
And I know exactly why.. Cause I have been eating out- and like a pig the last few days.. Probably the last week.. Who counts anymore.. *sigh* 
I am in a very bad place.. I feel pressure from everyone... My BFF is acting- what ever she is.. She is bitching me for not being able to take the trip to Oslo this weekend. We were going to- but then she said "you better come early- else you wont even be able to attend the bday (it's her sons birthday).. I mean wtf is that?? It would either be 6 hours drive each way for us- or a very overpriced flight. I was OK with taking the drive - but we wouldn't be able to go after work (then we wouldn't arrive before like 2am) -- So we could start driving early Saturday- but that was apparently not good enough.. 
So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Pay an extra 2k USD to take a round trip where I wouldn't even have a whole day there- with all the extra things we have going on now? 
And then she pulls the "you would if you had your prio's right" .. OMG.. When she met her now husband- we were living in the same city and I didn't see her for like 6 months.. And even then he was ALWAYS there.. 
We couldn't even go underwear shopping with him not being there. 
I live in another country and haven't had a weekend off for months and she tells me I need to rethink my prio's? 
And then there is my mum- and hubbys mum that are already arguing with us about fucking Christmas.. 

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that we are almost 30 years old- have our own home- and our planning to start our own traditions and will do what the fuck we want then?? 
We aren't saying that we are not going there - only that we will go there the day after Christmas eve.. Buuuuttt noooooo.. That is a fucking drama now.. 

Or my mum.. She doesn't understand why we will not spend every year over there??.. OMG.. Why can not she understand that every fucking time- I am in her fucking house I hit a "I wanna die" depression level.. ?? Why can not she understand that I can not just forget every fucking thing that has happened to me in that house?? And that I HATE IT there.. I have forgiven her- but I have not forgotten.. 

I am srsly gonna flip on both of them - if they soon don't shut the fuck up about this shit.. It's like they aren't even thinking about why there is a holiday called Christmas. Last year- hubby's family had a good lough when they heard I go to church for Christmas.. I mean who does that?? Why is it so funny? 
Only cause they don't care - it doesn't mean they have the right to act that way. Ugg.. I am so sick of them all.. 

And then there is work.. We have been having a bunch of issues lately :S Which means my phone has been buzzing none stop.. and my email box is exploding... *Sigh*.. 

And we have had viewing of the flat EVERYDAY... This one guy who was really liked the place- kept wanting to see it again- with new family members.... So everything has been tucked away for days... And ya we finally sold it- the first part of the deal is done (We signed the papers around 8 PM yesterday) - but he wants to have yet another viewing of the place - with his GF this time.. Which will be this Sunday.. 
And now hubby's mum is making a fucking drama over why we can not attend a brunch on Sunday which she just decided to have last night.. WTF... 

On the bright side the flat is sold.. but ya.. Didn't get to chill about it with her fucking drama... 

And then I went on the scale and I am miss Fatty le Pig.. Which is.. I dunno... Another fuck moment.. 

Anyways girlies.. I got a whole lot to do at work today.. And I am going to stop the "fuck" - post .. 

I know "this too shall past" .. I just have to learn to deal... 



Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.” - Robert Collier

This weekend has been such a mess..

I had the biggest fight I have had with hubby since we got married.. It was so bad girls.. It was to a "I hate you and I knew I shouldn't have married you *tossing the ring in his face*" sort of bad.. We are OK now.. And the worst part is.. It wasn't even his fault.. I have no idea what's up with my temper lately. It's been bad. I have been pretty much on the edge and so emo.. I started crying over nothing several times yesterday. And that is so not normal for me.

Ok so I have always had sort of a bad temper- but it take a whole lot to make me explode like I did on Saturday.. And crying over nothing.. Like.. I started crying over that bird not being able to fly on "Rio" .. Wth lol...

It might have something to do with my eats.. Too much or too little of it.. Ah well that's what I think.. Not sure.. But what else could it be??

Anyways.. I have minor changes to the plan- I'm upping my intake.. There are several reasons to why I am doing this.. First of all- I binge.. Almost every single night.. I do good during the day- and then I binge cause I am really hungry... I need to eat more during the day so I don't binge at night.. And since I have not been purging for ages - that means a gain.. I am not going back to the binge/purge circle- so I have to get a hold of the binges.. And I think upping the intake is a good solution.

The other reason for it is cause I have been so worried about what will happen when I get pregnant.. And how I will emotionally react to it. And how the "none dieting" will effect my body. Will it sett me up for a huge binge session? ... So ya.. I don't want that to happen, and I think having a higher intake- will ease the shock on the body and it will ease it all.

I am also going to change how I think of exercising. At the moment I just say "fuck it", if I don't get to exercise on my exercise nights.. Now my goal is 3 exercise sessions.. Don't care if they are tree days in a row- or what ever.. I just want to do it 3 sessions of it.

I remember this friend of mine going to the gym Monday to Tuesday to get her 3 days out of the day. Then she could relax and do other things. I never understood her "reason" but I am understanding that more and more now. I am not a hardcore gym person ,so I am in no desperate need of rest days.. As long as I exercise, I will be happy.

I also want to say this again.. (I probably have before) but ya.. I love you guys for being always there- and always supporting..


Gonna end this wall of text with this picture on saw on my tumblr dashboard..



I really don't always think ones family can be their blessing. Sometimes- I wish I could just "undo" mine..

Ah well.. I can not wait until hubby and I have our own family.. Our own rules.. Our own traditions... And I tell you this one thing..

I will never ever become like my mum... EVER!!!!



I was sort of frustrated this morning. I got on the scale.. Yes yes I know I shouldn't have.. And it was a 0.3 kg gain. Now I know that it could be cause I haven't had a proper BM the last couple days, or even water weight, but I felt so down and the first thing that crossed my mind was, hunger hurts but starving works.. But I mean for me it doesn't.. For me it's more, hunger hurts and then you binge heh.. But now I have had time to pull back and cool my mind off.. And I am not going to be too sad about it.

But I am cutting down more carbs- I had planned 3-4 slices of dark bread a day- that is down to 1. And I am going to cut down on the dinner carbs too. Keeping it to only veggie and protein.

I don't want to cut out fruits, that really messes up my body- I eat one/two serving of fruit a day and I really don't want to stop with that. And I guess I will wait and see what the scale says on Monday morning. I mean I have been doing ttly sucky for years- I guess I shouldn't get too much ahead of my self.

Ah well :)

Gotta work..




Hubby had to hit the shooting club after work so we couldn't go to the gym. I asked him to get my home before he went - and I just finished doing day 1 week 1 from Jillians ripped in 30 days plan (got it online from this blog on tumblr- let me know if you want the link)..  And OMG.. I know I shouldn't get this surprised each freaking time.. But I felt like I was going to puke during the warm up lol

I was sad over not hitting the gym - but I feel so much better after this session.

Oh and hubby was late picking me up from work- so I walked down the road instead of waiting for him at the office.

I must say I am also very confused over this HRM thingi.. Ugg.. I was sure it war properly on- but seems like only the pulse counter was on and not the calorie counter.. Such a d'oh moment :(

Anywho.. Off to make dinner Chicken filet- veg and rice on the menu for today.


Not a morning person lol

So we were going to wake up right before 6 am and get in a mini workout before work- but I didn't even notice the alarm clock going off then... I think we will put off the morning workout on a hold until after our move. Being able to go to bed earlier - will make it so much easier. But yes there is a but ^^ We are going to the gym after work. That is a good step. But the other major step I have taken is that I have all my meals planned.

I keep skip eating- or eating the wrong stuff and then binge.. Now I have every bite planned- and I have even made up a whole bunch of alarms on my cell for when to eat. I might not be able to eat right then- but I will get to eat as soon as possible. My meal plan is under 1000 calories. And the main different is that there a several small meals and not just a couple of huge ones.

This should make my stomach shrink.. Wont it? You know what I mean? It wont have to expand as much and then I will get fuller from smaller amounts and so on..

I wonder if I will manage to stay off the scale until Monday morning. This once a week thing is hard...

Oh btw, does anyone of you have a tumblr account? I got me a blog there cause it is so filled with with health blogs. Here is the link to mine - let me know if you got one too :)


Gonna try to focus on work.



PS: Welcome to the new follower :) I do not seem to find a link to your blog- so if you have one and want me to follow, leave it in a comment.


The plan!

So I got on the scale today and it was horrid :) But I don't care.. It is the last time I will ever see that number again.. EVER..

This is what I am going to do - I will make a plan of what I am going to eat and when I am going to eat. I tend to skip meals and then binge. So now I am just going put it up in my calender in my cellphone.

Veg: Greener - Protein: Leaner - Carbs: Darker

I am aiming to keep the intake to 1200 calories - and there is this other thing I want to apply and that is calories burned do not mean that I can add calories to my eats.

The other part of the plan is training. My main focus will be cardio workouts, but I am going to use the tips from Nasimiyu and vary my workouts as much as possible. Other thing I want to introduce is yoga and pilates. I am thinking about having 1-2 "off" days in the week and used those on yoga and pilates. But my main goal will be keep moving as much as possible- one way or another.

Later today I will get out the tape and measure up everything- I wanted to do it this morning but we had to clean since we have yet another viewing of our flat (it hasn't sold yet so ya.. ) .. So that will be done tonight. I do not want to get on the scale every day.. I have this love hate relationship with it and it can really put me off.. You guys know what I mean.. So now I am going to only get on the scale every Monday morning. No more - no less.

I am really well aware of the fact that maybe I wont be able to achieve 90 lbs in 90 days.. BUT!! I know that even if I don't the result will still be worth it. For me I am at a point that every single pound counts. And I am going to do as Miranda says.. Keep my eyes on the goal and I know I will do my best. And if my best doesn't make that goal.. I will keep going until I do :)



90 lbs in 90 days!

So I was watching the "I used to be fat" episode with Marci - on MTV (slow Monday at work) - and that girl is just such a pain .. She is so lazy and annoying and OMFG .. She fucking lost 90 lbs in 90 days.. WTF!

If she can do it - so can I... So here is the challenge.. 90 days - 90 lbs. I am starting tomorrow- since tbh I have no idea how much I weigh now. I want to have the numbers clear..

So here it is:
Start date: 2011.10.11  - end date: 2012.01.11 AKA 90 days..
The challenge is to lose 90 lbs during those 90 days!

Remember. The reason why I think I can do this is cause I am massive. When I have lost 90 lbs I still have a long way to go before my very sane and healthy GW.

The plan ?? Counting and cardio..

I think I am ready girls.. I think I just am ready..



I just had a thought..

As you know I have been having a whole lot of ups and downs lately. Everything has been a mess- and my body has been one of the main subjects on my mind. As you also know, it being messed up cause the way it looks is a big issue of mine. I have been thinking a whole lot- specially with my co-worker, the one who had the gastro has been back to work and is losing weight.

It's been a couple months ago he had his surgery and it is not hard to see that he has lost a whole lot of weight. His cloths are loose and his neck fat is only couple layers now compared to the 4 he had before his gastro. Yesterday I overheard him asking one of the guys here to buy him Chinese food for lunch. And I also saw him stuff inn 4 rolls with ham and butter and so on - and some candy, on our common Thursday breakfast at work. Now I know that he isn't able to eat all of it in one sitting since he just had most of his stomach removed- but he bombarding his body with a small but constant flow of the food means that the stomach will expand and he will put the weight on again.

I have asked him if he has had any help (shrink and so on) for the issue- apparently they only get a session before they are approved for the gastro- then you go in a line to get it- in his case it took couple years. Then nothing.. So he hasn't changes his mind- or the way he looks at food. I have heard him say things like "oh I can never give up bread" and ya.. I normally just snort at it.. Thinking I am so much better.

The matter of fact is that I am not. I was thinking - if I were to get a gastro- the only thing that would stop me from stuffing my face would probably be that I couldn't.. And I have been thinking that if I really had a proper mind sett- I wouldn't think about having a gastro if I had the will to stop eating. Correction: from overeating. I am realizing more and more that being skinny- healthy- fit is not something that is given/handed to you. If you want those things you have to work for it. I know this is such a duuh moment- cause I have this way of thought when I think of work- money and so on. So how come haven't I been able to put it in practise when it comes to my eating habits? Lets face it- if being all those things was easy everyone would be thin- healthy- fit.. Wouldn't they?

I am realizing more and more that I am stuck being a talker... I talk the talk- I give opinions- but I never put it into action. They say losing weight is 70% diet- 30% exercise. I keep blaming the lack of exercise for my flabbiness. But I know that it is not it. You are what you eat yes? A calorie is a calorie- if you don't eat too much then you wont gain weight- if you eat less than you burn then you will lose weight. As Mia puts it, it is easy simple math.

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting :) . Seems like I still have a bunch of soul searching to do. To figure out what I want and actually make a commitment to my self. Not to others - but to my self.. For once..

Wish you all a great weekend.



It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on. – Sharon Salzberg

Feeling better..

I am feeling better girls. Thanks for your kind words. I do not think I am ready to talk to someone yet- I am one of those people who wants to figure out stuff on my own first (not that it always works that well but ya hehe)..

I think I was just really overly tired. And the season change pains made it all even worse.
But I am better. I have been going to bed early ish lately and been sleeping more. And it is doing wonders for me. I have still a whole lot of pain- but I am dealing so much better with it now that I am not so burned out. :)

I also got a hair cut couple days ago. Took off around 10 cm's so my air is just about over my shoulders now. You guys remember how I was going to have a brazilian blow dry? So I was finally going to do it next Thursday, but I got a call from the saloon saying that they didn't do it anymore- that they had started doing Brazilian blow dry zero... It makes the hair soft and shiny and blabla.. And I don't want that.. My hair is already soft and shiny .. I wanted it to be straight without me having to use the iron everyday. So I just told them to cancel it. I am not going to pay around 200 dollars to have my hair become more shiny lol.. I had bought a coupon from groupon for it- so I had to call them and get a refund.

Anyway, all in all I am happy about the cut- Makes me feel so much lighter :)

It was actually hubby who had bought it for me as a pre Bday gift. So now that we are going to get the refund, I get to choose something else to get instead. And I think I want to get a yoga DVD. We have the extra bedroom when we move and we are going to use it as a gaming/training room until it becomes the baby room :) Which is still far far away :)

Anyway.. Off for now..

Thanks again for being so great always



Sorry for being such a mess lately. I seem to be sort of lost. Constant being tired- not having time for my self, everything happening right after each other.. Me constantly wanting to make changes and failing.. The insane stream of info. A war between what I want- what I can- and what I wish..

So I think at the end.. I sort of flipped..

I really want a change.. I want to change my patterns for the better. AT the same time, I feel like there is never time. Never time to be.. And just breath.. And I HATE failing.. I really hate it.. I can not deal with it.. I have never known how to. At the same time I keep wanting to do too many things at the same time- and either end up burned out or I just leave it midway cause I just don't care anymore..

I also tend to ALWAYS put everyones needs infront of mine. If someone needs something or wants something.. I just hand it.. Or if i can't then.. I go around with this constant nagging of guilt..

Talking about guilt. That is also something that is really killing me.. I ALWAYS feel guilty lately.. Every time I put something in my mouth.. Every time we have to skip the gym(yet again).. I feel guilty.. I really want to go vegan/veggie.. And my hubby does support the idea of it.- but it never gets put into action. And you know what.. I really don't have the energy to do something about it.. But then if I eat it.. Then I feel horrid.. I feel like my stomach turns over and I feel sick and guilty..

I think I need help.. I think I need to talk to someone and learn to deal with everything that has happened in my life.. I know what is wrong with me.. I just don't know what to do about it.. I think.. *sigh*..

I need to learn to not use food to cover my emotions. I need to learn that it was not my choice to be abused as a child. I need to learn that whatever my stepsisters are doing with their life, is their decision and that they have no right to blame me not living there for it. I need to learn that my mum is my mum.. That no matter what I do, or who I become.. That I will never be enough for her. That the only reason that she is proud of me now is cause of my husband. I need to just accept it and let it go. I have to learn that my friends back home only want to share things with me when it suits them. And they wont always bother to even include me.. I need to let it go... I need to stop using food to feel whole.. I have a husband who loves me to death.. I need to learn to love my self.. and not use food to feel "good"..

I read somewhere that food is the good girls drug.. And you know what.. I really can relate.. I couldn't stop my step dad in raping me.. So I used food to numb me feelings and to get fat.. To use it as protection..
I couldn't fit in with the kids at school when I moved to Norway, so I used food.. It would never hate me.. It gave me the warm feeling.. My mum wouldn't say she loves me.. Or even give me a hug.. So I used food .. The only thing I had in common with her.. Ah well.. I have a whole bunch of issues lol..

I talked to the hubby, about maybe wanting to get some help.. He said I could talk to him.. And I know I can.. But how much would that help? I mean .. I dunno.. But we talked about some changes that would be of help. So last night I gathered ALL my health and food books and tucked it away. I can not focus on them now.. We also agreed to actually do get up earlier so I can have time to fix my hair, and put some makeup on and to have time to make breakfast/lunch. We are also going to stop eating infront of tv. We only eat infront of tv.. I read somewhere that eating infront of the tv would learn you body to relate tv watching with food and that you would feel hungry eventhough you really aren't.. And we are going to plan our dinner once a week.. My mind is bursting with numbers.. Calories... Carbs.. Food.. I am SO SICK of always thinking about food.. So now I get to do it once a week..

My hubby sucks at cooking.. So I end up being the only one dealing with it always. So ya. I gotta limit it.. I also talked about how not being active is depressing me. That the combo of always being tired.. fat.. and the constant pain.. Is making me depressed... And that I really need him to stop this trend of skipping gym..

Anyways.. I don't think making a new blog will help me stop being this way.. So I am back.. Sorry for being a mess even with this..

@ tempest.. ya.. I couldn't decide on that either.. So ya.. :)
@Miranda.. Should be up now . Sorry for the mess :(




I'm back.. Nvm the other blog girls.. Sorry for being ALWAYS so messy and not able to decide.. I am back where I belong..

I will make a proper post later..


PS: If I am not following you anymore and you want me to- leave me your blog link as a comment and I will follow..