The plan!

OK, I know I said I wouldn't be posting the plan until later on, but I have it pretty much figured out - soooo I thought why not.

As I said I am planning on following Rusty Moore's the author of the fitnessblackbook.com
I have decided to just F the micro's and go for the main number which is calories - and the amount of calories I am planning to eat is 1440 calories a day. The idea is to do this: Goal Weight in Pounds x (hours working out per week + 9.5) = Calories. I have decided to put up 120lbs as my ugw and that is the number I am using to figure out the calories. I am thinking to aim to work out 2.5 hours a week.. So, 120 x (2.5+9.5) = 1440 calories, a day.  (10080 a week).

I am also going to aim for a weekly count (just like seekingsomethingelse does) - instead of daily.. We all have days where we eat out, or when there is something which we can't control like birthdays ect, and with a weekly budget I think I can have a day where I can eat a tad more instead of feeling all sick and guilty cause I "ate too much"... Does it make sense?

As far as the exercise goes, I think 2,5 hours is something I can achieve, I can either divide it and do 30 mins a day, or I can do 2-3 longer sessions. I am not going to aim to work out so and so many hours a day, cause lets face it - with a kid, I never know if I have the time or the energy to devote my self to anything more.

We have decided that hubby is going to stay home on Wednesdays and use a "daddy day" after his vacation is over, so if nothing more I knowI will be able to hit the gym on Wednesdays and one day during the weekend. I am also going to focus on cardio and resistance training.

I think I will be keeping the calories to the same amount since it is what I would need to eat to maintain the weight I want to reach, but I will be changing the work-outs as I get stronger.

And at last and not least, I think I am going to put my scale away and only weigh-in every two weeks. Do a body scan once a month - and also take my measurements every two months. I feel like I am becoming more and more depressed every time I step on the scale - it's dictating my mood. I still want to have control over the numbers, so I think sticking to spesific weigh-in, measurement days will do that.

Now that this is out of the way, I thought I would mention something even more personal. Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary.. Can you believe how fast time has gone by???

Here are a few pictures from our day ( I will have to remove them later as a promise to hubby as always, but yeah)

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Last Tuesday was also a special day for us. My son turned 8 months... I still have a hard time believing how fast he is growing. Last week I gave him a haircut cause his hair was so long it kept getting in his eyes, annoying him. He looks so much older after his cut (that's what I think, but no one agrees with me hehe).. Anyways, here is a picture from my little sunshine.. (Everyone says he looks like me eventhough he has his daddy's eye and hair color, what do you guys think?)

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Anyways, I guess it's time to round up this post. I hope you all have a great week ahead.



I'm so f---ing stupid!!!!

I was reading Seeking something else's post and it was so clear... I have been so stupid.. So I mean.. I got visual impact for woman by Rusty Moore, not long after I started my blog.. To be more exact in March 2011... It means I have had it for over 2 years.. During these two years.. My weight has gone up and up and up... I have reached the most horrible sickening number.. And yes.. It is about the numbers.. None of us can say it is not...

My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..

This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..

I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..

It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...

Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...

I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...

When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?

After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..

I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...

OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...

My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..

So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...

While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..

I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.

In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..

I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3

Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!


I had a great start to my week last week... I lost a bunch of weight, but then it went all to hell... And there is nothing to blame it on ex. from my lack of willpower..

I've decided to to make some changes... I mean.. My son turns 8 months tomorrow and I am fatter than ever.. My joints are aching, and the new thing is my knees.. I think my weight is finally getting to them too... *sigh*

The last few days I have actually been thinking about applying for a gastric bypass or whatever it's called.. The point of the matter is, that it wouldn't help.. I would probably be one of those people who get it, keep binging and gain all the weight back..

I'm going to do something about it.. I am not going to be one of those people.. I don't care how anymore.. I am just going to do it..

I have been taking chromium pills since last Monday and it has done wonders for my appetite and sugar cravings but the fatty that I am I have forced fed my self that last few days.. I have been so uncomfortable ... So full... But still... I just couldn't stop my self... Then I broke down and starting crying to hubby saying I will never lose the weight...

To make it short.. I am yet again fed up....

Anyways, my goals for the rest of this year are:

  • Hit the gym 5 times a week 
I don't care how long I stay there, and how much I exercise.. I am going to get my butt there... And I am thinking this way I should get used to go to the gym, and just do it...

  • No more "dinner"
I am not cutting out dinner, I am just cutting out dinner in the terms that I eat.. For me dinner means 1-2 HUGE plates of food where I stuff my face with LOADS of carbs.. My goal is to replace it with light options such as salads, soups, grilled veggies, fruits.

  • No eating after 8PM.
Who am I kidding... I keep doing good, and I go on a binge fest as soon as it's dinner time, and I just keep going.. I know there will be times where I will have late dinner due to family gatherings, but those are exceptions.. This is going to be the norm.. I know I will have days where I will feel like I HAVE to eat something, and for those days fruits, berries and air-popped popcorn are allowed..

I am unsure about a whole lot of things, but there is one thing I am sure of.. and that is that I will not give up until I have reached my goal.. One way or another... I will get there...


Boo boo!!!

Can someone please explain the whole honey booboo stuff for me.... I mean I have seen snippets of the thing (mostly on Ellen) - but srsly all I have seen is a fat family being fat.. So why do people bother with it??

Please explain..


Do you think reaching your goal weight will make you happy?? ( happy in sense of proper happiness - feeling content ect ) 


I'm so lonely.. So lonely that my body aches.. I feel sick.. I feel like my head is going to explode .. I'm just so freaking lonely... 

No one understands how bad it is.. Maybe no one cares... 

I don't know how long I can keep going like this... If it wasn't for my little boy, I don't think I would... 


Cleanse part 3...

The cleanse is going to hell... I keep doing well during the day and have a horrid evenings...
So I am going to try something else..

My new plan is to eat every 2-3 hours, and instead keep it clean and low cal.. Anyways.. Lets see how this goes...


Here just as I thought hubby was grossed out by me he sends me flowers!!

Cleanse update...

I did good all day until around time and then I had the mother of all binges... It was bad... And believe it or not it was the first time hubby saw me having one of my insane binges and well he was shocked :S I think sometimes he just doesn't really know how bad things have been and can be...

Any who I have been thinking about it and to avoid another binge I have decided to add nuts and seeds to the diet - I am also going to add lentils, and use that to make this veggie lentil soup for dinner. And of course this means I have to start practicing portion control ... Now I'm gonna focus and make today a better day! 



Starting tomorrow until next Sunday, I am going on a fruit/veggie cleanse. With expection of my morning pro-bio drink. (It's 100ml - 28 calories, and it does wonders for your tummy)... 

Anyways, I feel like I am soo full of food that there isn't a cm left for more food in my body (Yes yes, I know fruits and veggies are also food, but you know what I mean!)... I feel bloated, full.. And lets face it, fatter than ever... 

So ... Now that we are talking about my fat. I am back at my highest weight again... Instead of using this last 6 months to lose weight, I have been gaining weight.. I look and feel horrible.. Like really horrible.. 

If this thing goes well.. I might just keep at it for a while.. I just need to keep reminding my self that the first week is the hard one.. Specially the first 3 days when the body is purging all the toxins... 

Over to something not so gloomy.. We were at this store, and I saw this bracelet I loved and he got it for me.. It costed 50 dollars but it was 30% off so it was a good buy.. It's been ages since I got something pretty, or asked him to get me something pretty that isn't home/ baby related.. It's cute, right?? 

Anyways, I'm off for now.. Hope you all are having a great weekend.. 



Need to...

Need to face the scale tomorrow...
Need to get on track..
Need to lose weight...