Company trip....

We are leaving to Majorca with my work... It will be a long weekend by end of September....
Need to lose some weight by then.. A whole lot of it.....

We just bought this other company and it is filled with skinny blonds which make a normal person look like a whale.. Me next to those.. Well lets say it can't happen...


Trigger warning

Please don't read cause if you are on this page you probably have a bunch of the same issues that I have.. I just need to put down the convo in my brain so I can breath...

You are a huge whale
I'm a good mother
Your kid will be teased cause you are a fat hog
He loves me
You are so fucked up that one day C. will wake up and leave you
I am trying to lose weight
You fail.. You always fail.. You never seem anything through
I am getting help
You can not be helped
Maybe it is time for me to up my meds
Maybe it is time for you to cut off a limb or so.. That's one way of losing weight.. 
He needs me
You can't run and play with him
I want more kids
More kids to watch you blow up?
I need to get rid of the food in me..
You stopped purging you fail fuck.. 
I want to be thin..
You will NEVER be thin..
You will NEVER look good..
You will NEVER be able to shop in a normal clothing store..
You are waste of space.. Waste of money.. 
I need to lose weight..
Go eat until you die..
I want to exercise..
I will call the neighbors letting them know an elephant will be jumping around.. 
I fail at everything
I will never be thin
Nothing I do is good enough
I never see anything through
I will never look good
I don't need help, I need to stop eating and get rid of this fat
I can live off this fat for months
You are not strong enough to stop eating
You are not strong enough to get thin
When you die they will need a casket big enough to fit 4 people
My son loves me
He doesn't know any better

I just want to be thin........................................................................................................


Ok... I have made this chart and I know it looks like it has been done by a 5 year old but hell ^^ I don't care :) The chart is from tomorrow and ends 29 of June. Which means it is 10 full weeks. My goals for the duration of those 10 weeks are to:

Stick to my calorie limit every day (1400 calories)
Burn 3500 calories a week doing some sort of activity
Do something that makes me feel good about my looks once a week

I'm gonna use the chart to track weight and calories burned - and I am also gonna be just like a kid and give my self a silver start on the days I stay within my calorie budget. And the days I do something that makes me feel good about my looks gets a heart. And I am looking forward to see what the chart looks like by the end of those 10 weeks. 

I am ashamed to say that as we speak my weight has reached the top of Everest and I weigh in at 119.1 kg which is 262.5 lbs.. I know the numbers are more than any of you probably imagined, but for me telling you guys how bad it all is, is a step to admitting that I have a problem that is bigger than what I have thought it is. 

My goal for the duration of the 10 weeks is to get under 100 kg, which means I need to get rid of 19.2 kg or 42.3 lbs.. For someone with the amount of weight I have to carry it should not be a hard number to achieve. 

My plan is simple.. Eat 3 meals - snacks can be fruit or vegetables.. No food after 7 pm (unless it is an special event like my husbands birthday in June). 

There will be a reward by the end of the 10 weeks if I stick and reach my goal. I have to figure out what the reward will be, so I am open for ideas. 

Anyways that is it for now.. I just want to lose weight... 


Happy Easter!

I am officially the worst blogger ....
I promise I will make a proper post soon... Things are just so hectic.... *sigh*