Goodbye 2012!

Happy new year ladies.. Thanks for all your love and support..
Be glad for the blessings in 2012 and make 2013 the best year in your life yet!




I will not have any good pictures with my kid.. Every single picture is me looking like a stranded whale..
My wedding pictures being fucked up cause I am so fat is one thing.. Me not having one single good photo with my newborn son is just too much...

I hate my self for being so fat.. I really hate me...

Sometimes I just wish I was someone else.. Not another fat stranded whale...



Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas everyone!
In the nordics the Christmas dinner and everything happenes on the 24th so we have already had our wonderful day.

I hope everyone has a great day :)



New Year's resolution!

I guess it is that time of the year where we rethink our ways and plan our new year. Looking back at 2012 I have had a hard but wonderful year.. I am greatful for my lovely husband and our life together. I am thankful for our healthy, happy, amazing little boy. I am also amazed over how being pregnant has changed the way I think of food and eating. So all in all it's been a good year!

I do want to change some things in 2013.. Things have been good but they can be better. I have the whole year off work which means even with the baby and everything that comes along with it I should be able to take the time to make those changes.

So in 2013 I will:

  • Reach a healthy BMI
  • Exercise 3 times a week (along with all the moving and walking that comes with having a baby)
  • Practice portion control
  • Take better care of my body and the way I look - no stay home mommy look for me! 
  • Do the reboot 
  • Restart and finish the C25k
I have always made really long lists of newyear's resolution and I have never ever managed to stick to them.. But this is doable, isn't it?


50 shades of..

So I decided to read the book everyone is talking about.. And I must admit I am disappointed over how bad it was.. It all being about sex is one thing.. But the ending was really wtf...

Meh... I need to start reading some better books.. I still have "end of overeating" and "why we get fat" to finish but I wanted to read sometihng that wasn't weight related and 50 shades of grey sucked!



Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know about my issues with my mother, and you might also remember that every single time I talk to her I end up in pretty deep depression for some days..

My mother came to visit us last week.. She hadn't seen her grandson so she came for 4 days. She decided she wanted to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us.. I think all in all she spent a whole day with us and she had very little time with my son. Of course she made sure that I tok a picture of her and the kid to post on facebook because thats how she is.. She needs to prove to others that she is a good mother - in this case grandmother.. But I know - and my husband knows how much time she actually spent with us.. I know this sounds pretty bad - but atleast she bought some more cloths for the kid and well that is the best we get out of her.

I have learned that I shouldn't expect much from her - but she has been going on and on about how much she loves her grandson ( She never said she loves me, remember?? ) so I thought she would be different.. She nagged a whole lot about why the kid was "always sleeping".. I mean come on.. Wtf did you think?? The baby was 3 weeks old when she was here.. All they do the first couple of months is to eat, sleep, poo! - she was so disappointed that he wasn't awake playing with her..

Srsly mother?? How could you have 3 kids and don't know this?? But then again.. She never really was a mother to me.. So it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't know.. Or remembered..

And then.. The last day.. Before she was leaving she managed to say "You know, I know married your step dad because you kept calling him for daddy when I was just dating him".. Thank you fucking much mum.. First she tells me she wishes she got rid of me when I was being born, and how she regrets that she didn't cause then her life would be different..

Now she tells me that it is my fault that she married that basterd.. She knows that this is the guy who raped me as a kid.. She knows this is the guy I hate with every inch of my body and soul.. And she fucking blames this on me?? - I was fucking 3-4 years old.. I didn't know better, did I??? *sigh*

I just give up... I am going to keep up the act, and keep having this fake relationship where I smile and nod and talk to her on the phone from time to time and see her maybe what.. 2-3 times a year.. But I need to remember that she is no mother to me.. She doesn't understand.. She doesn't deserve me.. Or my baby.. Or my family... She just doesn't..

I have been trying to get over that comment ever since she went home.. But I struggle.. I have been having flash backs and bad dreams about my step dad ever since and last night I sort of just broke down.. I was feeding my son and my husband was sitting next to me.. And I looked down at my baby boy - seeing how he is depended on me, feeling the love I have for him - and I couldn't stop my tears.. I told my hubby "I think I need a shrink".. And you know what.. For the first time, I really think I need it.. Not that I think it will help.. But I dunno...

So here I am ... As always... But I will get over it as I always do... I have my own family now, and we are filled with love and joy.. I just need to hang on to this feeling.. Isn't he amazing?? This is from a week ago <3


Super size me!

Has anyone seen the documentary super size me? I am watching it as I write and I am halfway the doc. and it is insane.. If you haven't watched it - do so.. It will put you off Mcd's forever and ever... I have always loved McNuggets but who the fuck knew it is all just goo?? I mean.. YUCK!!!! Have a look here,, I feel sick... Anywho..

I have been thinking more and more about my weight.. Food and everything.. And again.. Every single time I think about it I just get back to the same thing.. My "diet" when I restart my weight-loss journey again it needs to be simple.. It needs to be everyday food and it needs to be something I don't need to stress about.. I have been visiting Myfitnesspal and have startet counting my cals and by the time I am done with my breakfast numbers I feel so stressed about it all.. The numbers take over and I feel my mind going to my "safe" foods and I start panicking.. I will not be counting.. I will not go back to that place where my mind is all about "what should I eat" .. Thinking about food.. The yes/no foods.. The panicking over my next meal.. And lets not forget the cravings you get when you think about food all the time..

So I have been thinking about where I normally go wrong..

  1. I skip meals
  2. I overeat later in the day since I skip meals
  3. I eat the same food over and over until I am sick of it and then binge on the "no" foods
  4. I deprive my self and save my calories so I can have the "bad" foods within my calorie budget
  5. My diet is too strict and I fail after a couple of days since my goals are unreal
  6. I eat too much of the "bad" carbs
What I know I need to do is:

  1. Never skip a meal
  2. Getting my carbs from fruit and veg instead of bread and rice
  3. Eat smaller more frequent meals
So that is just what I am going to do. And I think it will be much better than anything else I have ever done. Well I guess we will have to see how it goes - but I think it will be fine. I mean I already eat very different than what I used to before I got pregnant.. I just need to keep reminding my self of what I have done during my pregnancy.. Food is fuel.. It is there to heal my body.. I will eat until I am full and I will stop when I am cause I know I can eat again later if I get hungry again.

Oh and.. I am down 26lbs since the baby was born on the 23rd... 4 more pounds and I will reach my first weigh goal :) I never ever thought I would reach any goals during this year.. So I am very pleased with the results.



Dear Josie :)

Here are the answers to your Liebster questions :)

1. Why did you start your blog?
I came across the blog "dying to be thin" and I really was surprised over the support she got - and I started the blog to try to reach my goals and hopefully get some understanding for my issues.. Not many in my "real" life know/knew about my issues and I often felt like no one would understand.

2. Does anyone in your "real" life know about or read your blog?
My husband knows about the blog, but he keeps this one be my own private blog. He knows I will talk to him when it matters and that here I get a different kind of support. He also knows that he will never understand me the same way some of you ladies do. I also have a friend who knows about this blog - but I doubt she reads it.

3. If you could make one food your magical food that has no calories and no baring to your weight what would it be?
Burgers and fries! ... Like good huge yummy fatty burgers like the 1600 calorie jack daniels burger from TGIFridays..

4. Are you invovled in any type of treatment? Are you on any type of drug therapy?
No.. I did get some therapy in Norway for my issues with my mother - and in the start of my pregnancy I was sent to a shrink for my food issues but I only went to her once cause she was horrid. The only drugs I have been/ am on are painkillers for my fibromyalgia.

5. Looking back at your life when do you notice the begining of your disordered eating?
When I was really young.. Like around 5-6, my step dad used to force me to eat up my food or would take away my meals as punishment.. When I was around 10 (thats when the sexual abuse started) he used to undress me and tell me how much my body looked my mothers and I remember how much I hated it.
I wanted to be so fat that he would get sick of me and never touch me.. The little I knew that he would like the extra "meat".. So yeah.. My weird relationship with food started pretty early mostlty thanks to my "lovely" step dad..

6. What is your favorite way to waste time?
Well it sort of depends on my mood.. I can spend hours shopping.. Doesn't need to be cloths or shoes or anything.. I can hang around in a bookstore finding new titles I want to read..
I also love watching romantic comedies/ tv shows- diet shows ect.. I enjoy reading - when I first start reading I have a hard time putting down the books :)
I used to spend a whole lot of time playing wow - but that is a good while ago now.. Lets not forget that I love reading blogs while listening to music.

7. What activity do you hate doing; dishes, cooking, commuting, making phone calls, keeping on top of your finances?
Ooh hard one.. Not really sure.. I guess I love cooking but I HATE prepping the veggies/meat.. I get confused (read scared) grocery shopping if I don't make a list and take it with me.. I hate losing control - does it count?

8. Looking back at your life is there anything you wish you did more of?
Hmm.. More dancing!

9. If you won a contest that allowed you to build your dream house what would you want and where?
I have always wished for my own place in London, but if I was to be practical and think about my family I would build the house here.
I would want a big house - where the first floor would have the kitchen (I want a big one with an island in the middle of it) , dining room, living room and a libery/guest room and guest bathroom and laundry room.
The basement would be a huge family room with huge couches and a big big tv with proper sound system for movie nights and it would also have a pool table..
The upper level would have the master bedroom with an ensuite - and two bedrooms with a family bathroom in between them for the kids.. And lets not forget about the HUGE walkin closet ^^
I also want a mid sized backyard with a nice deck :) Ooh and ofc garage with room for two cars and some storage space.

10. Do you have a target weight? What do you think will be different in your life if/when you are at your target weight?
I have put my goal to 128 lbs - but my ugw is 118-120 lbs. I think the only thing that would be different is how I would feel in my own skin. (at least that is what I hope)

22 lbs,,,,,

22 lbs down since the 23rd.. <3 


Liebster blog award!

Thanks to Lara , Emily Anonymous, and Ay Ell for nominating me :) It was such a fun surprise and I <3 you girls for thinking of me!


- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.
- Post 11 things about yourself.
- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.
- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.
- Create 11 questions for your nominees!
- Inform the nominees of their nomination.

So.. 11 things about my self..

  1. I was born in Iran, lived there until I was 13 ish, moved to my mother in Norway. But I have been living in Sweden since January 2011. 
  2. I met my husband on WOW , he used to annoy the hell out of me, and my first words to him were "WTF is wrong with you" ^^ 
  3. I got married last July, and if I am to ever get married again, or redo our vows... We will be eloping! 
  4. I was a high school drop out, and got my diploma studying the subjects my self, taking private exams. 
  5. I moved out of my mothers house when I was 16, and out of her town when I was 18. 
  6. I love cooking and find it to be very relaxing. (People say I'm pretty good at it too!)
  7. I still don't have my driving license :S 
  8. I have two half sisters.
  9. I just became a mum - and I LOVE being a mother. 
  10. I have a temper and can get really angry really fast, but I never stay angry for long. 
  11. I have never before felt so accepted and understood with all my "issues" until I created this blog!
Now, questions from Ay Ell: 

1. Where would be your favorite place to live?
I really LOVE London! - If I could afford it, I would be living there.

2. What (alcoholic beverage) do you typically drink?
I used to be a shot girl - aka, have a shot of vodka and get it down with some beer. But if I am just to have a drink I prefer mixed drinks like Cosmo :)

3. Are you still friends with your childhood best friend?
A couple of them. My oldest friend is a girl I met in school when I was around 10.

4. What movie could you watch over and over and not get sick of?
I'm a sucker for feel good chick flicks and the good old Disney cartoons .. So the list can be loooong!

5. Tell me about your first kiss.
It was horrible and forced.

6. What is your favorite pair of shoes?
Oooh.. Tough one.. I am a shoe addict and I have a whole bunch of favs.. I guess high heeled long boots are my go to.

7. Have you ever been out of your home country? If so, where?
Yes, I was born in Tehran Iran, lived in Kristiansand and Oslo in Norway, currently live in  Malmö Sweden. I have been to London UK, Barcelona Spain, Rome Italy, Alanya and Antalya Turkey, Prague Czech Republic, Munich Germany, Copenhagen Denmark, Utrecht Netherlands, Chamonix France.. I have a feeling there are some places I have forgotten though... hmm..

8. Do you have any siblings?
Yes, I have two half sisters.

9. Do you have a favorite low-cal food or recipe that you frequently eat?
It's not really a recipe, but I tend to fill up on melons and canned pineapples lately.

10. Do you have any weird quirks?
I have MANY! - I am a details freak and I freak out when things aren't the way I planned for them to be. Like how to fill up the dish washer..... *sigh*

11. Do you have any favorite holiday traditions?
I love the Persian new years, and everything about Christmas :) 

Questions from Lara:

1. How old are you
I turned 30 this September

2. Whats your favorite binge food or just favorite food ( for those lucky's who don't binge)
I used to binge on Jafa cookies - They are still one of my fav snacks but I limit them :) (PS: I LOVE melons ^^)

3. If you could go back in the past what 1 thing would you change or do different
There are things I regret, but I think I wouldn't change anything cause those things are the things that have made me who I am today :)
4. On what do you spent most of your money
Shoes.. Purses and perfumes... (Yes I do have a problems)

5. What city would you like to travel to
I really want to see NY, Paris, and Tokyo. 

6. If you would have to choose between money or love, what would your answer be?

7. Have you ever cheated on your bf
Yes I did cheat on my ex. 

8. One thing you could not live without
My cellphone

9. What is the dumbest or funniest thing you have ever done in your life
Dumbest: To dye my hair pink ... (It ended up making me looking like a clown lol) - funniest.. hmm.. I dunno really.. I have my moments ^^ hard to chooce one :) 

10. If you are loosing weight right now, what is the biggest motivation for you
I am losing tons of weight right now.. My little boy and me wanting to be healthy is my biggest motivation. 

11. Do you have any bad habits
I have plenty - skipping meals and overeat is one. 

Questions from Emily Anonymous:

1.     What is your proudest moment?
This answer would have been different a week ago, but since then surviving the labor and giving birth to my little boy is one of my proudest moments.

2.     Who do you trust most in the world?
My husband and my BFF :)

3.     Favorite movie?
If I had to pick one - The last samurai!

4.     Worst movie you’ve ever seen?
Oh there are way too many... Snakes on a plane being one. 

5.     Name something your ED took away from you or prevented you from doing.
Oooh.. Many many social events..

6.     What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone?
Hmm... Believe it or not but I'm not really that romantic... So I have no idea what to reply here.. 

7.     Favorite memory of your mother or father?
I don't have any.. Never knew my father and my mother and I barely get along. 

8.     What’s your favorite animal?
I am a sucker for kittens and bunnies ^^

9.     Which famous person would you most like to meet in your lifetime?
Hmmm... If I had to pick one.. I guess Jamie Oliver - does he count? ^^ 

10. What’s the happiest you’ve ever felt?
Now.. I never thought it was possible to be so happy until I got my little boy in my arms :) 

11. If you saw someone purging what’s the first thought that would go through your head?
"I hope they manage to stop before it's too late" 

11 questions: 

  1. Name the one part of your body you love.
  2. Where do you see your self in 5 years?
  3. What is your favorite color?
  4. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
  5. What does your perfect day look like?
  6. Name the one thing you can not live without.
  7. Name 3 places you want to visit.
  8. Lazy day on the couch, what do you do?
  9. What color is your hair?
  10. Name one thing that you hate!
Seeking something else