No weight today.. I kind of overslept and didn't have the time to do anything but taking a fast shower and get dressed before we had to rush off.

Had a banana for bfast
A whole wheat sub with turkey ham, lettuce, paprika, cucumber and honey mustard saus for lunch

Hitting the gym after work for a mini 30 mins cardio

Thinking about just having a soup in the cup for dinner..  Don't really feel like eating anything else today.

I am thinking about testing the skinny girl diet or another VLCD after we get back from Prague. But I'm not sure how well it works combined with gym..

Will see...


Pain.. Sweet pain...

Right.. So I can barely move without everything hurting ALOT.. But it is kind of nice too....


Todays weight : 103,7 (228.6 lbs)

I skipped bfast
Had a grilled chicken filet and a porsjon of whole grain couscous

Will update more later today.

I had a really low enerylevel yesterday.. Work was very demanding and I felt horrid at the end of the day. My fiance picked me up and I just went home and crashed on the sofa.

No gym... I really couldn't...

Had a portion of rice and chicken stew for dinner.

And then I had a mini I'm too tired to handle the pain breakdown... And my bf, as loving as he is got me a cookie to cheer me up.. My mind was screaming DO NOT EAT THE COOKIE.. But my body craved it...


Finally getting started...

So glad this horrid weekend is over. It was the most horrid weekend I have ever had with my borfriend since we  moved together... Actually since ever..

Anyways finally hitting the gym. We are gonna leave for Prague on friday and will be away this weekend, so I am aiming for an hour of cardio today -wednesday and Thursday.

The plan is to start with an hour of cardio, 30 mins on elliptical and 30 min of walking on the treadmill. I think it is a smart way to start since I haven't been training for a looong while.

Weight 104,5 kg (230 lbs)
I had a bfast bar
Grilled chicken filet with around 50 grams of sugarsnaps for lunch
A bite of fish and some sugar snaps for dinner but the fish tested horrid so I ended up having a banana
I wasn't going to eat more, but I was starving closer to the night so I had a sandwich with dark bread and ham.
Other than that I have had a few cups of green tea and black coffee and water.

And it's almost embarrassing to say but I am at such a bad shape that I felt like I was going to puke after 5 mins on the elliptical fat burn program.. But I did the whole thing.. But ya gonna hit the gym everyday this week before we leave for prague.


I'm fat and round...

Right.... Yesterday I went to have my leggs waxed and she said "oh you have such small feets" And I was like, erm thanks.

Then she said : "you should have been born in the 60's.. you are round and fat and have small feet"



A f _cked up family...

It doesn't come as a surprise to me that I don't feel like I belong when I listen and talk to my family.. My two younger sister.. Well my half sisters.. They are alot like my mom.. Well atleast they are becomming more and more like her. The youngest one even looks like her.

Oh and get this.. She is like only 16 and now she is suddenly having "shoots" and I mean, good for her.. I am glad that she feels better about her self doing that, but she is only a teen.. Her pics look like she is my age and ready to be taken..

The insanely tiny dresses.. The makeup that suits a "working girl" and it is all so so wrong.. And my mom, instead  of trying to have her acting like a teen.. And going for the teen modeling.. She doesn't do shit.. And now all of the suddon my mom has decided to become a model... WTF..

My other sister. She is 21 and she is/wants to be a glam model. Her dresses show less than my 16 year old sis uses on her shoots.. I have had so many wtf moments lately...

Back to the sis that is 21. She had drug issues for years.. She is better now.. But it's like.. My mom doesn't see what she is doing to us....

She didn't become a drug addict by her self.. She became one to deal with her emotions.. I didn't go cutting my wrists, and purging when I was her age just to have fun... I did it to have some sort of control over my life and just focus on some other pain than the one I constantly had inside..

Now the youngest one is behaving like she is twice her age.. Doing God knows what at any hour of the day.. And my mom.. She wants to become a model.. wtf wtf wtf...

When is she gonna open her eyes and see that we don't want her to be our mate? I am so fed up of hearing about her issues and her dates and how her relationship with ppl goes wrong.. I dun fucking know about how that guy made her feel.. I don't want her to call me and tell me that "oh if you were living here you could see" ... I don't fucking want to know.. I want a mom that listens..

When my ex (( which btw was like 10 years older than me)) was cheating around.. My mom made me stay with him, cause she told me how i always judge ppl and how I never gave ppl second chances.. What she doesn't know is that he did over and over and over again.. He told me to get an abortion or he would do it for  me.. Nooo... She didn't listen.. She just made me feel guilty.. She said "he takes care of you, where will you find a guy like him" .. wtf..

Maybe I can try to forgive her.. But how the hell am i supposed to forget??

So here I am.. At my lunch break at work.. Feeling more shit than I have for a while.. Being pissed.. And I'm sorry for all the F-words.. But I am just so fed up.. So frustrated.. When will she ever listen and act like a mom..

Anyways.. My lunch break is almost over.. Need to get my act together before my coworkers notice how fucked up my mood is...

Oh and btw.. Don't you just hate it when ppl stink food... Makes me so ill.... :S


I feel really really really horrid today.. I hate having fibromyalgi.. I can deal with the pain.. But then there are days like this.. And I feel like an elephant is sitting on my neck and like I am stading infront of me, looking at me.. Trying to move..

So this week will be an easy ride on friday.. Just 30-40 mins of cardio.. From next week I will be following Rusty's plan for 3 day work out. I will do the 3 day plan of visual impact training and finish it up with 20-30 mins of HIIT.

And ya.. I can not do Rusty's "dieting for an event" cause with my current weight I'd end up on 160 grams of protein each day. Trying to fit that inn with an amount of 732 calories which is for my goal weight.. It seems to be pretty impossible.. I guess I am too fat lol.. Anyways I have decided to just keep it to two meals a day. Having a grilled chicken filet with 1 portion of couscous for lunch and grilled fish/chicken with veggies for dinner.

I tried to make somr quinoa last night for my lunch today.. And I can srsly not handle how it smells.. So ya.. I will stick to couscous for now.. I have bought another kind of grain as well. Will try it soon and if its good I'll put more info about it then.

Anyways.. Eating that way along with my coffee and so on will put me around 900 calories per day. And I think I am over calculating a tad. It is just that I'm not sure what kind of milk they have in our office coffee machine.. And I really need to have a couple of small cups a day. I will see if I can maybe take my own coffe with me in the mornings, that way I can keep it black and fat free.

Oh, I just found out that the gym I will be attanding also has yoga and pilates and something called body balance. I am gonna attend the yoga sessions on saturdays. It's the easy relaxing Hata yoga and I am really looking forward to it.

I love Maria Mena's cause and effect and Mello albums ...

It is so sad.. How one persons actions effects us for rest of our live... My mom and I.. Well we never have been able to communicate..

It's like.. I dunno.. I know one thing though.. I will never ever be like her.. I know I have a problem regarding her.. And I am really working on just letting it go..But I am really hurt.. The things she has done and said..
Letting me know from I was very young that she didn't want to have me.. Or the fact that she said the stuff my step- dad did to me when I was barely 10, was my own fault.. Or chasing me with a knife and stabbing my door when I locked it to get away.. Only cause I wouldn't pick up something at the minute she wanted me to.. Upto a few months back when she told my fiance that he needs to be patient with me cause I had a bad temper, the first time she met him...

I moved out from her home as soon as I could.. I have been living on my own since I was 16. Moved to another town as soon as I hit 18 and to another country a few months back. And ya now that we are both older and "wiser" we have a "good" relationship. Which means we keep it really shallow. She tells me about her problems, relationship wishes and so on and I listen. We talk about shoes and shopping... And how skinny she is.. Or how she still thinks that she has pain after her tummy tuck..

The other day, my bf said that he thought I looked like her.. And I really don't.. I don't know how he could ever think that we look alike.. And I am still freaked about it.. I have been studying my face in the mirror.. And been trying to see what he means.. And I don't look like her. The only thing we have in common is the color of our eyes.. And I mean comeon... That doesn't make me her lookalike.. I hate that he said that.. I hate it..

I will never be like her.


The horrid feeling of pain....

Been an insanely long weekend.. Barely got any proper sleep... All the driving.. Feels like my body is just smooshed..

This is one of the downsides of having fibromylagi.. If you don't have a "inn day" with proper rest you go feeling like crap.. And in pain.... I have been avoiding painkillers.. So now.. If i take one.. The day after feels like a hell of a huge hangover... That's how I feel today..

Didn't get to print out anything either.. But ya... Enough complains I guess. I know by now that I need to adjust my everyday to the illness.. So today I am keeping the diet.. And letting the gym be.. I got to print some charts out at work.. Still need to print some more.. But ya...

Anyways, so far today I have had a grilled chicken filet with around 70 grams of sugarsnaps. I have had a bunch to drink- green tea- water- black coffe

And for dinner, I'm gonna make some sort of soup... I dunno yet. But I read a tad more about that "dieting for an event, and I think I might have misunderstood how you need to figure out the amount of protein vs calories.. Need to read more about it.....

Anyways.. Gonna try to focus on work.. Try being the main word..


The plan...

Got my training plan.. Got my diet plan.. And I got my gym card... I am looking forward to start on it all.. Just need to print out some stuff so I have it available to me at the gym. So Monday it is.

Oh and I must say.. I love Rusty.. Had a question about the program and the diet plan.. Posted it on the his Facebook page this morning and already got my answer. It is so nice to see that he actually cares enough to respond to these things. 


Visual impact for woman.. Pt2!

So I got me the visual impact for women. Haven't started reading it yet, but we will be on the road this weekend and I am planning to read it then. Haven't heard anything about my gym card yet, so I emailed them to see what's up with that. I also added a diet ticker to the blog, so it will be easier to follow the numbers. And I got me this really easy to use weight chart on my cell. Gotta love the android market.

Had yet another breakdown last night. My BF acted like a moron when I tried to tell him about the Rusty's training plan. Which ended up in me falling apart. I know that he doesn't mean to be a jerk, and stuff he does are mainly because he talks before he thinks. We have had several "fights" over what a joykill he is. And each time in ends up in a very long emo session. Sometimes I wish that he would just stop, and listen and try to understand. You see.. My BF is one of those ppl who can eat for 3 ppl and doesn't gain a pound. He is tall, lean and defined. And beside him I feel often like a huge bulb of fat. I hate most of the pictures we have together cause I look like I'm 3 times bigger than him. And with the wedding comming up in a few months.... I just wish he could understand why I feel what I feel... I do understand that he thinks I the most pretty girl for and blabla.. But I'm not...
It's not hard to see from the numbers that I am very very very overweight.. And that my BMI is skyhigh.. And that I actually am a fat blub and that it isn't something I pretend to be.

I am hoping to get a minimum of 24 kg's off me during those 12 weeks on Rusty's program. That is only 2 kg per week. I don't think it's an unreal number. After those 12 weeks I have enough time to do half of the program again before the wedding. Which means if I really stick to it and really follow it and do the plan and the gym and stay off junkfood and so on I should be able to reach a weight that is "normal".
I have never weighted less than 67 kg in my adult life.. I started gaining weight when my step dad started to "enjoy" me when I was around 10. It was my way of trying to keep him away. I thought that if I gained alot of weight and would become ugly that he would stay away... I was only a kid.. But what did I know.. He liked it... And that has really fucked up my body.. I have strech marks in places I shouldn't.. I could never ever wear a bikini no matter how skinny I get.. It's "funny" how one persons action can ruin your life forever..
Anyways.. I think.. Well I don't really know.. But I hope that when I lose the weight that the other stuff that is wrong with me will be easier to deal with.. Maybe the strechmarks wont look as bad when I'm not this huge. I dunno.. I just hope...


Visual impact for woman?

So yesterday was just one huge fail.... It started good... But then lunch at work... Had some chicken and couscous... Then I thought, ah well.. Ill take it easy at dinner... But no.. A friend of my fiance came over... And it  all ended up in a loooong pizza night.. Ugg.... I think I had some sort of reaction to all the fat.. My whole body feels weird, I don't know what's wrong with me. Took the day off work.. Going to the doctor in couple of hours...
I just need a few days off solid food.. I dunno maybe stay on liquids and fruit and such for a few days.. I just feel so out of shape and so full.. I hope my gym pass comes soon.. I have never been the one to run outside and such... And with the cold and the rain.. I dunno...
Today I read this amazing post on one of the blogs I'm following, http://harlowthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/2011/03/interview-with-rusty-moore.html I really enjoyed it, and I am considering to get his program. I think it would do me good to have a plan to follow since I rarely manage to stick to the ones I make my self. http://visualimpactforwomen.com/ seems like a good idea. I'm gonna read up on it a tad more and decide soon.


@ work...

Argh... Common lunch at work.... And I was doing so good this far... I guess Ill have to pick and move the food a tad around... *sigh*



Just had yet another melt done over my weight and that's it. I'm gonna go on a liquid fast during week days. The only none liquid ill allow my self is the vitamin pills.
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My dear friend Mick...

Last night I was chatting with this friend of mine, and it was funny to see how much he belives in me and what I am able to achive. It really gave me a boost.
When I got to work today, I saw there was this mail from the gym my co has the deal with. They needed some info from me to be able to fix the gym card. I hope they are ready soon.I really want to get on with it. 
This weekend we are going away for my fiances competition. It will be 6 hour ish drive each way, and we are spending the whole weekend away. I'm not sure if I'll have my gym card before we leave, but I'm aiming to have full control of my eating this week, and get on with gym from next monday. The gym card should be ready by then. 
I have thought about the gym, I remember, a few years back, when I was good and actually went to the gym, I started going there every day. And my shape wasnt really any better than it is now to start with. I'd do 30 mins of fat burn on the Elliptical, and then 30 mins of weight training. I guess my new goal is going to be 30 min of cardio and 30 mins of weight training every other day, and an hour of cardio every other day. 
I want to take one day off in the weekend and do piltas on the other. Depending on the program the gym offers. I want to go like that for 3 weeks and then add another 30 mins to the cardio plan, and do an hour of cardio+ 30 mins weight every other day and 1,5 hour cardio every other. 
I'm not sure about how much weight training I'll do, but I do need to train my arms cause of the fibromyalgi, and need to do alot of tummy, back training. I think the leggs will get enough from the cardio. I dunno.. I wish someone would just hand me a plan and say "GO" .. 


Yet another calculation..

So I have been calculating a tad. Like having an eating plan.
For bfast Ill have my K Bliss, that is 88 cals.
Lunch will be a grilled chicken filet with 1,5 dl couscous with half spoon of olive oil. that is a total of 411 cals.
Ill hit the gym after the work and do 30 mins of cardio and 30 mins of weight training.
After workout I'll have VLCD shake. 112 cal.
Dinner will be veg and another grilled chicken filet 213 cal.
And I have the option of two wholewheat crakers which is 53 cals if I feel like I need something to eat before the gym.
Along with my coke zero, and green tea it all ends up under 900 calories a day. Ill ofc drop the shake and the crackers on the days I take day off the gym.
I also want to start doing pilates. I want to do that in the rest days. I hope my gym membership is ready soon. I really want to get on with it.

Anyways... As it is now my weight is twice as much as it should be. I am 162 cm tall. So something between 53-58 kg would be a good weight for me. I dont really want to go into how bad it is now. but I need to get rid of half of me to be able to reach that goal. I want to get thin and toned.

Yesterday I went shopping.. And it was a nightmare... I wasnt looking at what stuff looked like anymore.. It all was about sizes and the wonders of "will I even fit in this".. I am basicly a walking talking huge fat blub.. I can't wait for it all to be off.. OFF!!!! I want to be able to go to my favo store and pick up normal sized cloths and look the way I wish to look. I want to be able to wear  high heels without my ankles being in pain from the second I put them on cause I'm so fat and so heavy..
I have always loved fashion.. The cloths... The shoes... I just love shoes.. The good thing about shoes is that they always fit.. They dont make you feel fatter than you are cause they dont fit..
Anyways.. I want to actually be able to wear some of the stuff I just see in the magazines..


Enough is enough...

I have had enough of my self.. The fact that I keep getting bigger and heavier.. I have reached a high point that Im ashamed of..

I am ashamed of what I look like.. What I see when I look in the mirror. Of what I have become.. Ashamed of being so weak that I can't take control of my own body..

I don't need to lose a few kilos.. I need to lose alot.. Half of what I am not would be more than enough for someone with my hight and build..

I keep making my self these promisses.. Thinking that I will do this and that.. But I never manage to keep going on. Never stick to something. I always make some sort of excuse..

I am gonna get me a membership at the closest gym and start going there straight after work. No more candy.. No more junkfood.. No more overeating.. No more fat food.

Oh God please.. I beg of you.. Give me the strength to go on.. I don't want to stay this way anymore..