Weight update!

The baby is 1 week old tomorrow and I now weigh 32 lbs less than I did when I got pregnant. I am barely 2 lbs away from my first weight goal, and 12 from the second.. I don't have any rewards planned for the first goal - but I am thinking about getting a haircut when I reach the second one. 

And I am considering the new Kim Kardashian cut.. So kind of a longer layered bob.. What do you girls think? 

I haven't cut my hair in ages cause I have been trying to save the length but I am thinking a change for spring/summer would be nice. What do you guys think about that? 

2015 and still no post!

2015 is here and I still haven't gotten around to write a post. I have started a few posts but never gotten past the first couple of sentences, and never gotten around to actually post them.

We are still getting in order in the new place. I am waiting to get some furniture delivered so we can get more in order. We still haven't gotten any of our picture frames up either, but hopefully by the end of this month I will be able to do a before after post of the place. 

As far as the pregnancy goes, I have 6 more weeks to go. Time has really been flying by, and I can not lie and have to admit that I am ready for this pregnancy to be over. It has been really hard, being sick the whole time (it only got better a couple of weeks ago), and now the SPD is in full bloom and I can barely walk, sit,  stand or lay down for longer periods. I am happy that the gestational diabetes is under control, and I still don't need any treatment for it but checking my blood levels every day before and after each meal. We will be going in for another scan on Monday and hopefully they will confirm that everything is fine with our little bundle. My weight has kept pretty much steady since mid November - gone up and down a couple of pounds here and there, but I have still lost around 18 pounds since I got pregnant, so that is great. 

With the pregnancy soon to be over I have been thinking more and more about what I will do with my diet, and the only thing I am sure of so far is that I want to eat clean whole food. I still don't know which way I will go with it, but then again maybe all I need to do is to eat clean and practice portion control. I guess only time will show.

Anywho.. I was supposed to have my first appointment with the new shrink tomorrow, but I have called them and asked them to change it and give me another appointment. I am feeling fine now, and I really don't feel like going there. The weather is shitty, I have a whole lot of pain and I just don't feel like I need it right now. I am going to see if they can rather give me an appointment in March, after the baby is born, cause that I know I will need. I really hope to not get hit by another wave of depression when the baby is born, but I am ready for it to happen. There is a 80% chance that it will so yeah that is that..

I guess that's it for me for now ladies.

<3 

I just don't understand how this is even possible!

So as the title says, I got my self a proper shock today..
We have had a bad cold, and moved to the new place last weekend, so I haven't had the chance to get on the scale.. But I did today..

And OMFG!!!!! I have now lost almost 20 lbs since I got pregnant... How.. I just don't understand how is this even possible??

I promise you I have not been trying to lose weight.. I have been eating almost everything I have craved (within reason), I haven't really been out and about because my fibromyalgia and SPD pains have been over the roof.. So how is it possible that I have lost almost 20lbs?

I know that a couple of it is probably cause I haven't been drinking as much as water as I should the last couple of days, but still..

As far as I can tell the baby is doing good too, he is very active (aka kicking my bladder so I have to pee like 30000 times a day), and we are to check the growth on Thursday, but nothing seems off. This means.. That if I don't gain any weight until the baby is duo I will end up losing over 30lbs when the baby is born. Of course I know I can not think like this, cause usually the most gain comes in the last tri-master.. But lets get real... I am 24 weeks pregnant and down almost 20lbs! Insane I tell ya... This is just insane!


PS: I promise to post before/after home edition pix as soon as we are more in order :)

17 weeks pregnant and 12 lbs lighter...

I srsly don't get this... I am eating whatever I want, which has been a bunch of Persian food lately since that is what I have been craving..

How come when we stop thinking about diets, and what to eat, is when we actually lose weight??

Ok... I have made this chart and I know it looks like it has been done by a 5 year old but hell ^^ I don't care :) The chart is from tomorrow and ends 29 of June. Which means it is 10 full weeks. My goals for the duration of those 10 weeks are to:

Stick to my calorie limit every day (1400 calories)

Burn 3500 calories a week doing some sort of activity

Do something that makes me feel good about my looks once a week

I'm gonna use the chart to track weight and calories burned - and I am also gonna be just like a kid and give my self a silver start on the days I stay within my calorie budget. And the days I do something that makes me feel good about my looks gets a heart. And I am looking forward to see what the chart looks like by the end of those 10 weeks. 

I am ashamed to say that as we speak my weight has reached the top of Everest and I weigh in at 119.1 kg which is 262.5 lbs.. I know the numbers are more than any of you probably imagined, but for me telling you guys how bad it all is, is a step to admitting that I have a problem that is bigger than what I have thought it is. 

My goal for the duration of the 10 weeks is to get under 100 kg, which means I need to get rid of 19.2 kg or 42.3 lbs.. For someone with the amount of weight I have to carry it should not be a hard number to achieve. 

My plan is simple.. Eat 3 meals - snacks can be fruit or vegetables.. No food after 7 pm (unless it is an special event like my husbands birthday in June). 

There will be a reward by the end of the 10 weeks if I stick and reach my goal. I have to figure out what the reward will be, so I am open for ideas. 

Anyways that is it for now.. I just want to lose weight... 

Been a while...

I have been wanting to make a post for a while but I have either been distracted having to do something, or too tired to post.. Buuuuut here it goes :)

Where to start...

I guess we can start with the therapy.. It is actually going better.. One week she wanted me to write down what I have been doing for a whole week and rate my actions 1 being me feeling horrid 10 being me feeling amazing.. The week after she asked me to think over what my week had looked like, and what I wish a perfect week would look like. And it actually made me sit down and think about how I wanted things to be. My husband and I talked about it, and we are trying to take small steps towards the "perfect week". Being able to think about it and agree that we would like our weeks look that way has been bringing us closer.

And last week, well last week we opened the "mother load" lol.. Aka we talked about my relationship with mother.. How she has been to me through the years.. We didn't really get to go into it expect from me talking about our background, but it felt soooo good to see the shrinks face when I was talking about her.. She was completely shocked, and she was nodding and shaking her head... That alone makes me really realize that our problems isn't only in my head.. We have couple of more sessions planned and then we are supposed to evaluate if I need to keep seeing her, and if I get my way we will keep at it.

My allover mood is much better.. I haven't had more than one or two episodes where I have felt really down the last weeks, and I can not remember the last time I felt this ok.. Things aren't normal, but things are OK, and it is easy to see how it is also affecting our family dynamic. We are all more relaxed, and generally happier.

As far as work and my sick leave, I have been working half days, and it is actually working fine. Today I was approached by the manager of another team in our company, about starting to do some project for her dep. and I have been wanting to work in that dep. ever since I started working for that company. So I am really looking forward to that. I am also going to have a talk to my manager on either Monday or Thursday about a raise. And this means I can push them a little further. And more money would really help right now..
I am supposed to meet this person about my leave (she works for place that pays out the money while you are on the leave). I am not looking forward to it.. I just don't want to talk to some random person about the reason why I am on the leave... Ugh...

Anywho... The reason why money would help is because we are looking into moving into a house. We are going to look at one this Sunday, and it is the first place I have seen in ages that would actually fit us, and which we could afford... I really hope the house is as good as it looks in the picture, and that there wont be a whole bunch of people bidding over what we can afford... So keep them crossed ladies.. !

As far as my weight goes, it has been going up and down, and I haven't been really watching my eats, until a week ago. I have started the low carb high fat diet again, and I am going to stay at it for now. I am down 5lbs and am looking forward to lose more.

I guess that is it for now :) Have a great weekend ladies.


<3

I'm having a really hard time to follow the plan the nutritionist advised me to follow.. I don't really have much of an appetite when I wake up - and if I drink a cup of tea/coffee or something liquid, I kind of feel full for a while.. If I have a cup of tea, half a banana (I mash half for my son, so I eat the "leftover"), and a pro-bio yogurt, then I really don't have room for an omelette or sandwich as she told me to have in addition to that.. The amount of food is one thing, the other problem is that I really don't know how to fit all that food in my mornings...

My days until lunch time are pretty messy, getting breakfast ready for my son (and no it's really stressful for me to have a proper breakfast while I am feeding him) - dressing him and getting him ready for either play time, or baby song hour, or going to the park takes a while since he has reached an age that he wants to decide what we do, and getting dressed is never on his to do list... Then we spend couple of hours on those things, and before I know it it's time to feed him again, so I can put him down for a nap... Being all fussy due to him teething means I either am walking with him in the stroller, or we are driving if hubby is home for couple of hours, so he can sleep. I usually walk for a while and then grab something to eat.. I have been buying salads lately, but it is starting to get a tad expensive....

After he gets up from his naps, it's time for another feeding, and most likely a full clothing change.. Then play time - snack time... Then hubby gets home, and starts on his last meal, and gets him ready for him while I clean up and make dinner ect..

So yeah.. I am having a hard time fitting all that eating in my day.. Eating a not so healthy sandwich or grabbing a burger/toast when I'm out has been the easy way out - but I know it's not an option..

Anyways, in attempt to stay full, and to stay on track I am going to try to replace breakfast and lunch with meal replacement shakes/bars.. I have some shakes I need to drink up, and while I do that I am going to look for options with less sugar, more protein. and have fruit/yogurt for snacks..

On other news I have been doing pretty well with dinners. The delivery service works like a dream for us.. I have been adding some more veggies to their recipes since they had a whole lot of bell-pepper as sides, and hubby can't eat bell-peppers, but all in all it is working just fine for us.. The thing that surprised me the most is that the portions which are supposed to be normal sized portions are actually very filling.. I don't know why but I always thought I wouldn't feel full unless I have a huge portion, this is making me see that I do not have to have huge meals to feel full..

My weight.. I have lost like 3 lbs, but I think all the eating she wants me to do is not really helping me lose weight, so I am hoping to see it move with the new plan. I really want to get under 200lbs by the time I go back to work (I will go back to work around mid January).. That means I would have to lose around 50 lbs, and if I am to have any chance of doing it I have to stick to this plan.

Anyways ... I need to get to bed now.. Wish me luck...


<3

This whole avoiding to eat during the day is going well, I am down 7 lbs already!

Today I was really proud of my self, we were at the shopping mall, and I went to get a Cappucchino at my fav coffee shop.. I had been at the food court earlier to feed my son and all the smells.. Everything I was STARVING! Then while I was waiting in line to order my coffee I was infront of their huge collection of cakes, cookies, pancakes ect and I really wanted something.. However I closed my mind and thought of the number I saw only a couple of days ago.. I got my coffee and I was off! These sort of things don't normally happen with me cause I don't practice self control.

I have however noticed that both yesterday and today I have eaten WAY too much for dinner.. I am overly stuffed eventhough it has been within my calorie budget (my goal is to stay under 1000 calories).. So it is not hard to see that I need to take this to the next step.. Being from middle east my main problem is rice.. I LOVE it.. I can have it with almost everything.. But a cup of rice being 200 cals, and for me one portion of it being 1,5-2 cups means I eat too much of it..

So I have now decided to limit my rice and have it twice a week.. It would be stupid of me to plan to not have it at all cause I know I would crave it too much, and it could end up in a binge.. So twice a week.. I can do that!

I also want to use this post to thank you all for your support. Things get hard, but each of you inspire me in your own way and that makes things somehow easier.

Josie, I don't really have any medical issues ex. from my fibromyalgia.. I do however tend to get acidic stomach pains (after years and years of being wrongly medicated for my fibromyalgia my stomach is pretty fucked... I guess the b/p sessions haven't helped it either).. I don't take any meds but some painkiller when the pain is too much for me to deal with (right now I take a mix of paracetamol, and ibuprofen), and I use chewing pills for the stomach acid when it's needed... I don't really have the option of seeking a nutritionist right now, and I don't really have a proper doctor after I moved to Sweden.. I guess I should make sure to register so I have someone to talk to..

How long would you say it is "safe" for me to stay under 1000 cals without totaly fucking up my metabolism? I was thinking about maybe keep at it until I reach my second GW, which is 198lbs - and then up the cals and add some proper exercise. Right now exercising is not an option, well unless you count walking as exercise.. I do walk for 1-2 hours a days most days, and I do run/carry/play with my son a whole bunch... I just don't want to count them as exercise so I don't use it as an excuses to eat more.. What do you think about this idea?

Trigger alert!

Please do not read this post, if you might get trigged, and if you are trying to stay healthy..











Today... Well today things got even worst... After yet another failed attempt on sticking to a diet, and ofc overeating I have reached yet another high weight... Ladies.. I have hit 116kg... Or 256lbs if you like it... So fuck it...

This worked for me before...

- Skip meals as long as you can until dinner time
I mean I normally do OK during the day and eat too big of a meal at dinner time - so why eat during the day at all??? Filling up with tea, coffe, water works.. So the plan is to stick to that, and if I get REALLY hungry, I can have a piece of fruit.. And before dinner to avoid a huge binge, I will have a can of weight-watchers (112 calories) soup and or a protein shake.. Even with a huge dinner, I doubt my calories will go over 1000... And then I figured if I was to have a bad day with food it still be under my weekly calorie goal...


Now I know I can not go on like this forever... But I will keep at it as long as I can...

I even told hubby... I gave him the numbers... I told him to stay off my eating or not eating... AND I have decided that if I do not lose the weight until we have had the next baby (we want to try for another next year) after the baby is born, I will apply to get a gastric surgary... If I don't do it by then - I never will.. So this is an ultimatum... To me... I will get rid of this weight one way or another..

You know... My body aches.. My knees ache after the stroller walks I go on with my son... I seem to have a problem getting comfortable sitting... Laying down... Everything aches..

So fuck it... I have a limited time before my son will notice my eating habits.. So it is now or never..

I'm so f---ing stupid!!!!

I was reading Seeking something else's post and it was so clear... I have been so stupid.. So I mean.. I got visual impact for woman by Rusty Moore, not long after I started my blog.. To be more exact in March 2011... It means I have had it for over 2 years.. During these two years.. My weight has gone up and up and up... I have reached the most horrible sickening number.. And yes.. It is about the numbers.. None of us can say it is not...

My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..

This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..

I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..

It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...

Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...

I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...

When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?

After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..

I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...

OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...

My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..

So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...

While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..

I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.

In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..


I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3

Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!

22 lbs,,,,,

22 lbs down since the 23rd.. <3 

Still here!

Been a while since I updated..
I guess I haven't really had much to say...

I'm still pregnant and getting bigger by the minute.. But it's not bothering me as much any more. I updated my weight on myfitnesspal and I am still 3 lbs under the weight I was before I got pregnant.. But I don't really care about that either..

I had a check-up with this doctor at the hospital (they send women with BMI over 30 to them) - and he told me my pregnancy had been going much better than they expected. I haven't gained weight, my blood work is good, the baby is growing the way he is supposed to, and he is strong and healthy.. They will however induce me if he isn't born on his due date, which means if he isn't out he will be by Dec 4th!

My baby is healthy and perfect.. My hubby loves me more than anything on this earth.. What more could I really ask for?

I mean, I am not happy with my body or my weight as it is today.. But I can see that the way I think of weight, losing weight ect is different.. This pregnancy has thought me that my body isn't working against me cause it wants me to feel horrid.. Of course, I have bad days.. Of course I have days where I HATE the way I feel about it.. But it's not its fault.. I did this to my body, and it will not change unless I change..

I have days where I think about my bad days with binges and purging, and you know what.. I can say for sure that those days are behind me.. The days where I would think of starving to get short term results.. The days where I would blame my body being against me.. They are behind me.. I'm not saying I wont have bad days.. I know I will.. But it is just different now..

My plan is still to start on my "diet" starting new years.. To begin with my focus will be to keep my portions under control, and to eat clean. I still aim to reach my goal by end of next year, but I also will take it step by step..

I was looking at some old pictures.. And in those pictures my weight was halfway what my goal is.. But in those days - I didn't really worry.. I went to the gym.. I ate.. I was partying a whole lot.. But I didn't care.. I felt like I was the sexiest woman walking around.. That is what I want to go back to.. I want to feel good about my self.. I am tired of not being happy with me..

Any who..

I will let you guys know when the little guy is here.. And I will do my best to put up more updates, but I doubt I will have the chance to before I start the new plan..

My mother is going to come and stay with us for a week mid December (Lord have mercy lol).. And my gran (well she isn't really my gran, but she is the closest family member I have) - is going to stay with us during Christmas and new year.. Along with a new born baby our weeks will be pretty packed the upcoming few weeks! My bff and her family will also be visiting the first or second week of January for a long weekend, but that is still some time away :)

I want you all to keep taking care of your self, and I am doing my best to comment on blogs.. I do read most of your posts though..

<3

*untiteled*

I'm sorry for being awol so much lately.. I am so freaking tired all the time.. We had our vacation and we have been back to work for a week.. Working from 08 - 5 really takes its toll on me.. Luckily people are still on their vacation mode and we don't have that much to do at work else I'd be dead!!! hehe

Thank you all so much for the comments on my last post.. I am relaxing more about the weight and I am happy to report that I haven't been gaining since my last post.. I had another check up last Thursday and the nurse is really happy with my weight - which makes me relax more and more about it. We also got to hear our little boys heart.. They tried to listen to it when I was the last time - but he was moving too much for them to be able to get a hold of him.. This time we got to hear it properly and it was just so amazing :)

I have also decided how I am going to take out my maternity leave.. I will start taking out vacation days from around second week of Novemeber - and I will go on my leave from the 19th.. and I will be out the rest of the 2012 - and I am taking 2013 off.. I told my boss that I was going to start going back to work starting January 2014 - but only part time.. They were fine with it, and they are open for changes as long as I let them know about the changes 2 months prior to the change. During this time we will have to watch the way we spend our money, but we did the math and we will be just fine :) Worst comes to worst we will have to dug into savings.

We are also almost done with baby room and all the things he needs. We just need to buy a couple of small stuff but that is about it.

When my mum was here she bought a chair for the baby - this is a Norwegian brand and the things from them are a little more expencive the "normal" stuff - but I guess you get what you pay for.. Cause we got 5 years of warranty and it can be used for all ages.. Anywho, if you want to have a look, this is a link to the page with info about the chair. We got the back one to match the rest of our dining chairs - we also got the black baby set and the premium cushion :)

We also invested in their daybed.. We were told that the baby needs to sleep in our room the first few months and we don't have room for his bed in our bedroom... So we wanted something smaller and something that is easier to move.. We also wanted a bouncer so this was perfect for us.. I really love the color and design of this thing.. 

Anyways.. I need to be off.. I was informed that the reason for a lot of my pain lately has been pelvic girdle pain and let me tell you this.. It hurts ALOT.. I guess this is also another reason why I am so freaking tired again..

<3

Not feeling all too good today...

So my body decided to crash... Season change is hitting us and the fibromyalgia is acting up.. This morning I could barely move.. Being pregnant means that I can't take any of my pain killers that work for me..
And as if this morning wasn't bad enough - my body reacted to this new bread I had for breakfast.. It's supposed to be very healthy- high fiber, sourdough bread.. And I just had to run to the bathroom and everything came up.. This was so much worse than any purging experience of my life...
This was around 2 hours ago.. I just looked in the mirror and my face is covered by red dots... You know when you have been purging really badly and you get the red dots over your eyes??? My whole fucking face is covered with it...
I really hope my face looks better by the time hubby gets home - cause if it looks like this by the time he gets home, he will panic.. *sigh*

And today.. I got on the scale.. And I am gaining.. I know I know - I HAVE to.. It's normal.. I am 6 months pregnant .. I lost around 15 lbs since I got pregnant.. I have gained 3 lbs during the last 2,5 weeks. Again I know.. It is normal to gain.. But it really freaked me out.. But I wasn't ready for it.. You know..
I know I was worried before about not gaining and keep losing weight.. But.. Today.. It was just too much..

Anyways.. Hope you guys are feeling better than I am..


<3

I have made up my mind!

Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. It really helped to get your opinions on the matter and it made it easier for me to make my decision.

I have decided to give her a chance - so I sent her a PM telling her that. But I also made it clear that I didn't believe her excuses and that I knew they were lies. Also that I need to see some proper changes in her actions to start giving her any sort of trust. I have also told her that if she ever again acts that way towards me - or anything close to that against my kids that she is out.

I guess the thing I keep forgetting is that I don't live that close to them anymore - and that I actually can control how much contact i have with them. I really need to remember that they are not able to mess me up even more unless I allow them to keep doing it. Birthdays - Christmas that is about it.. And I don't have to let it be anything more than that unless I want to.

So again :) Thanks.

Over to something else.. I have officially lost 15 lbs since I found out that I was pregnant. Again I haven't tried to lose any weight - so a part from the time I had the morning sickness, I really don't get how it keeps going down. As you might remember I was pretty worried about it to beginn with - but after my talk to the midwife I am feeling ok. My friend (the one who just gave birth to her second kid) says that I have a luxury problem - I do have a hard time understanding how most woman can gain so much during their pregnancy. The same friend I just mentioned gained around 50 lbs with her son (that was 1,5 years ago) and she gained around 40 lbs with her last one. .

So I guess I should just be happy and stop thinking about it. The midwife told me that I will soon start putting on some weight - the last 3 months of the pregnancy is the time where the baby grows the most and I should also gain some weight then. My goal was to not gain more than 15 lbs during this pregnancy - and I guess if I keep it up and watch my eats ect I should be able to keep it around that too.

I started my 21st week of pregnancy today and my tummy is rounding up. I can see clear changes from last week and I must admit it is so weird.. I am actually starting to have a hard time bending or getting out of the sofa in a normal way lol...

Anywho :) What else.. Hmm..

Oh yes.. I am still coughing a whole lot.. And getting pretty tired of it.. I hope however to go back to work tomorrow or the day after. I have two weeks of vacation starting Monday - so I think it would be smart of me to show up at work for a couple of days before that.

Talking about vacation - my mother is coming to visit us. She arrives on Saturday afternoon and is leaving really early (her flight is at 8 AM) on Thursday.. I am a tad worried about it cause of .... Well you know.. Everything.. So wish us luck and keep them crossed to this trip of hers goes ok. I really can't take more family dramas..

Monday after she leaves is our one year wedding anniversary.. With everything that we have to buy for the baby we can't really afford a proper trip so we are going to spend a couple of days in Denmark, Copenhagen. We have booked a nice hotel and I really am looking forward to it. It is the last time we can take a "alone" trip before the baby comes and it will be a while until we can have another after he is here so I really wanted us to do something - just the two of us.

Anways - I'm going to end this wall of text. Again, thanks for all your comments.


<3

Will it ever end?

I'm so sick and tired of numbers ruling my life.. Before the pregnancy it was to get it lower - now (and you will probably hate me for this) I am worried that I'm not gaining enough. There is still couple of weeks left until the ultra sound and I am starting to wonder.. What if there is something wrong with the baby and that is why I am not gaining weight..

I mean.. I am actually a couple of lbs less than I was the last time I talked about the weight.. Is it normal? Should I be worried? - Where does the baby get the nutrient if I am not eating enough? ...
I really feel like I am though.. I am watching what I eat - and how much I eat - and sometimes it feels like I am eating something ALL the time.. So where the fuck does the weight go? - And I am so conflicted.. On one hand I am so happy that I'm not gaining weight.. On the other.. I am really worried..

Could it be that something is wrong? 


Maybe I should talk to that midwife/nurse/what her name is.. And sometimes - I think that I am probably just thinking too much about it.. and there is still around 5 months left of this pregnancy.. Maybe I should just wait and see how everything is at the ultrasound..

And as if I don't have enough to think about - I am so fucking sick of people commenting on my eating habits.. I have already flipped out once at work.. And I just can't take another "friendly" advice.. Where they keep telling me that I am not eating enough.. Cause I know that I am.. I just eat smaller portions to avoid getting sick - but I am freaking eating ALL the time.. I am eating 4-7 times a day counting the snacks and stuff.. How can it not be enough.. It could be one of the reasons why I am so worried about the weight gain.. I dunno.... *sigh*

Ok.. Lets change the subject.. This isn't good for me...

I have bought baby's first outfits :) They aren't in the newborn size but one month - cause I have a feeling that the kid will probably get a bunch of newborn gifts and since it will be growing fast that its better something that it can fit into after a few small weeks :) They are from Next and I just love them ^^

Cute.. Right? ^^ They have so many cute baby stuff and the prices are insane lol.. I do wonder how they decide the prices on this things.. I mean they are tiny.. I should probably take a trip to London and do my baby clothing shopping there, cause I am sure we can save a whole bunch there.

Over to something else.. Did I mention that I had my therapy session a couple of weeks ago? ... I don't think I have.. I did decide that I am not going back though.. I was supposed to have my second session yesterday and I called it off.. You are probably wondering why I did it.. And well.. It is because after I told her some about my past and such.. She said my food issues (aka the binging and purging) - was normal... She actually used the word normal.. How could she? I am sane enough right now to know that it is not normal.. And that it never was.. The other reason was that she kept wanting me to talk about the sexual abuse and really.. I didn't go there to dig up things that I have put behind me.. I wanted to be guided about how to handle the emotions that I am going through now.. And if all she could offer was to have me talk about my childhood - and telling me how my destructive behaviours were normal.. Well.. It wasn't something I wanted to spend time on..

You guys understand what I mean - don't you?

I have thought and talked about my past enough to understand how it is effecting me - and why I react to things the way I do.. I dunno... It didn't feel right.. It made me more depressed - and that is not what I need right now.. I did however had a talk with my uncle.. This uncle of mine lives in Dubai and he is a pastor.. He is one of my relatives who have always been in-touch with no matter what state my life has been at - and he is the one who walked me down the isle on my wedding.. He said something that really made me feel better.. I have heard some of it before - but never in the way he put it..

In his words, he said that I was very strong.. That I had gotten through everything without any help from any one - and that even though life could have been easier if I had taken some help from people I trusted - it is something I had to go through to get where I am now. And that what I should remember from my past is that  nothing is impossible.. That no matter how hard things get - I can raise above it.. But now..
Now I have my own family.. I have a husband who love the ground I walk on - and a baby on the way.. And my focus should be in finding happiness in the family I have now - and not focus on what I didn't have before..

Makes sense doesn't it? ..

Ah well.. I should end this wall of text..
I want to say sorry for being so much awol lately.. I read most of your blogs and try to comment when I have something to say.. Which isn't that often lately...


<3

Dropping by..

Just give a quick update..

I have been back at work since Monday.. It has been OK, but I am really worn out and dead tired by the end of the day.. But being back at work has been good for my mood - so I am trying to stick to it and see how it goes.

Yesterday I got a whole bunch of post with different appointments. Tomorrow I have the appointment with the diabetes clinic.. I am really worried.. So lets keep them crossed.. *sigh*

Wednesday I have the first appointment to see a therapist. I am starting to look forward to that - I just hope that I click with the person I am going to meet.. Else there is no point of going there is it?

And last but not least I got the appointment for the ultrasound.. It's going the be June 18th.. So that isnt that far away :) Now that I am really looking forward to.. I hope we can see if it is a girl or a boy :)

I have been really good with my eats lately. I watch everything I eat.. I have said no to ALOT of cravings.. Stupidly enough I have cried a bunch over a whole lot of it too - mostly because I have been so worried.. But ya..

My weight is also normal.. I keep going up and down a pound but most days I am sticking to the low number. Still not aiming for it - it is just how it is.. I don't feel eating much - and when I eat I am really careful eating high fibre food - no added sugar ect.

My relationship with my family - aka my mum and my sisters isn't getting any better either.. My youngest sister hasn't even bothered to PM back after I told her I was pregnant.. That was erm... 1,5 month ago I think.. My mother.. Well you know the story.. What's new is that after I published that I was preggo on facebook she made a comment- and put the same as her status saying "God has blessed our family - I am going to become a grandmother".. Then a friend of her commented saying "congrats, I guess you will be visiting Sweden more now".. Wanna know what she said?? - She said "No, we will see, the plane fairs are high" .. WTF lol ..

I sometimes consider if I should just ignore them - and put them in my "people I know, but I don't want to think about" category.. I dunno.. It's not fair to the middle one.. She has been really nice - but I really can't bare the idea of even going to that town.. To that place.. Anything like that..

Anyway..

I hope you are all good..


<3