Not sure what's wrong with me..
I don't know if it is due to the pain - or me feeling huge, not being able to move freely.. But I feel so down lately.. I know I am 7 months pregnant and it is normal to be big and heavy.. But all I think about is how badly I want to get rid of all this weight..
I also know that I am lucky that haven't been gaining during this pregnancy, and that I will weigh much less than when I found out about being pregnant.. And I do feel a whole lot of love and joy when I feel my baby boy move.. But the numbers are taking over my mind.
I keep thinking about how badly I want to be able to wear shorts next summer.. How much I hate being yet another overweight mother.. About how much should I eat.. How I should maybe practice more portion control already. And then I get really afraid - cause I know that these thought aren't coming from a healthy place.. I don't want be a mother with ED behaviours.. I don't want to have my kid see that I hate my body..
My logical side of the brain says it wont happen. I have changed a whole lot during this pregnancy.. I have been listening to my body most of the times and followed what it needs.. And I know it will take a couple of years before the baby understands enough to notice my actions. But I just don't want to go there..
I don't understand why I am thinking about it..
I don't understand why I feel so shitty about everything...
I know it's wrong of me to be happy that I haven't gained weight every time I step on the scale.. And I know it's wrong of me to step on it as often as I do.. But I don't know how to control it..
Maybe it's just the fact that I have been home for a few days.. Maybe I am over-thinking it all.. Maybe it's all the changes that I can not control that is bringing up the ED thoughts.. I just don't know...
I need to stay strong.. I need to push those thoughts away.. I know that.. Right now - I'm just not sure how..
There are so many things I wish were different.. I wish I had a good loving family who would be there.. One who I don't feel like I need to always tip toe around..
I wish I was living back in Oslo where I had my friends close to me..
I wish I had more willpower to actually have done something about my weight before I got pregnant..
I wish I could shut my mind and think of other things than weight.. Body.. Numbers.. How to's..
I wish I didn't feel so lonely...