Not sure what's wrong with me..
I don't know if it is due to the pain - or me feeling huge, not being able to move freely.. But I feel so down lately.. I know I am 7 months pregnant and it is normal to be big and heavy.. But all I think about is how badly I want to get rid of all this weight..
I also know that I am lucky that haven't been gaining during this pregnancy, and that I will weigh much less than when I found out about being pregnant.. And I do feel a whole lot of love and joy when I feel my baby boy move.. But the numbers are taking over my mind.
I keep thinking about how badly I want to be able to wear shorts next summer.. How much I hate being yet another overweight mother.. About how much should I eat.. How I should maybe practice more portion control already. And then I get really afraid - cause I know that these thought aren't coming from a healthy place.. I don't want be a mother with ED behaviours.. I don't want to have my kid see that I hate my body..
My logical side of the brain says it wont happen. I have changed a whole lot during this pregnancy.. I have been listening to my body most of the times and followed what it needs.. And I know it will take a couple of years before the baby understands enough to notice my actions. But I just don't want to go there..
I don't understand why I am thinking about it..
I don't understand why I feel so shitty about everything...
I know it's wrong of me to be happy that I haven't gained weight every time I step on the scale.. And I know it's wrong of me to step on it as often as I do.. But I don't know how to control it..
Maybe it's just the fact that I have been home for a few days.. Maybe I am over-thinking it all.. Maybe it's all the changes that I can not control that is bringing up the ED thoughts.. I just don't know...
I need to stay strong.. I need to push those thoughts away.. I know that.. Right now - I'm just not sure how..
There are so many things I wish were different.. I wish I had a good loving family who would be there.. One who I don't feel like I need to always tip toe around..
I wish I was living back in Oslo where I had my friends close to me..
I wish I had more willpower to actually have done something about my weight before I got pregnant..
I wish I could shut my mind and think of other things than weight.. Body.. Numbers.. How to's..
I wish I didn't feel so lonely...
I can totally relate to this, even though I'm not pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI'm am planning to get pregnant, hopefully, by the end of next summer and I'm always thinking/worrying about if I can be in a healthy place by then. I sure hope so.
I think it's also normal for first time mothers to feel kinda depressed during the last few months because it's hard to move around and you feel awful. My friend J was that way. She couldn't wait for her baby to be born because she felt so huge (and she's naturally really very skinny).
~MLM
It's hard when you are so weight and body conscious to be pregnant. It just is. But you've been doing so well. Hang in there for another 2 months! Once you have the baby you can work on losing the weight the healthy way. And yes. Maybe you will have to hide a lot from your kid but you are conscious of it and you don't want to inflict it on your child so even if you have negative thoughts they will never have to know about it. You can be healthy and you can be a good mom.
ReplyDeleteSince you're pregnant I would say it's good that you're able to stave off the action of dieting until after the baby is born. S/he is still developing in there and needs all the help s/he can get! (I forget if you said which gender, sorry!)
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, good job and good luck! :)
Love love love love... Hormones do crazy things, I'm sure you know. My cousin had her baby two months ago and was utterly miserable during the last weeks of the pregnancy. Her doctor said that during the third trimester corticotrophin-releasing hormone levels are really super high and they result in more Cortisol in the body, (high levels of cortisol have also been found in people with clinical depression). So it's not you, darling, it really is just the pregnancy. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm on a new BC pill and oh my gosh... insomnia, first of all, which is weird, but then during those sleepless nights, I start bawling over the silliest things (like dogs who remain faithful to their dead masters - there's apparently quite a few out there (e.g. Hachiko, who's probably the most famous). I've also been compelled by something inside me to look up pictures of babies and coo over how absolutely adorable new born human beings are. Dutchboy thinks I'm going crazy :P
I wanted to thank you fo all your kind words, they have ment so much to me especially this past month..thank you for being so honest. When I read your post I thought of a quote I once heard:
ReplyDeleteDon't go wandering around your mind without supervision.
Basically sometimes if we know our thinking is at not in healthy zone we need a babysitter to make sure we stay on the right path. I try to picture telling a norma person what I am thinking about, that usally shows me my messed up view.
Just throw your scale in the trash. Don't weigh yourself, and just think about how you will put off all that weight after your baby is born. I know it sounds easy but it is hard to do all that. The thing is you have to think and act like a mother, that makes it a little more complicated. I think its normal that you feel like that, hormones, pregnancy..its affecting you, but it will eventually get better. Take care of yourself..and hope you will feel a little happier soon :)
ReplyDeleteHappy belated Birthday my dear. I hope you enjoy your 30's!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you will take this the right way (hope so) but this is what has worked for me. Stop weighing yourself, stop counting calories, stop stressing about numbers, focus on good healthy foods and eat until your satisfied. Don't deprive yourself and you wont crave, eat healthy whole foods and you won't feel guilty. Just focus on life- enjoy yourself, fill your time with positive activities that make you smile from the inside out and eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full.
I know it's not easy- I still struggle with it but it gets easier every day I stay on track. Being mindful of the negative thoughts and countering them with positive ones before any negative actions occur is my focus and I think it might help you. Why not try writing yourself a letter for the down times reminding you that you deserve the very best and a list of other things you could do that make you happy rather than turning to food/restriction for the wrong reasons?
You're going to be head over heels in love with your baby boy (did you decide on Caspian? I love that name btw) and so busy focusing on him, I really hope you don't sacrifice that special time to fussing about weightloss. It will happen but please don't force it to be quicker than is natural. Your and your bubs health is the most important thing please don't forget that! xxxxxx
Your body is going through a lot right now. You're nourishing and growing another human being for crying out loud! I would think it's pretty OK to have mixed emotions about that.
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