Life!

So I haven't been making proper posts in ages.. Things have been hard.. I went bananas with my eats and have gained a whole lot.. I had a huge fight with hubby and didn't talk to him for days (ex. for the things that were regarding the kid), I have cut out my sisters from my life.. Mjeh.. Lets go into details..

I was in a funk for a long while.. And being an emotional eater - I just couldn't take back control over my eats and my life.. And as if everything wasn't hard enough we decided to take a roadtrip to Oslo for my bffs daughters baptism.. I didn't want to take the trip since we would have to leave on the same day that my son was to have his first vaccines.. But she kept telling me nothing would happen, and I trusted her opinion since she has two kids.. I checked with my sons doc and she said it was OK.. The drive takes 6-7 hours, and guess what.. We weren't even half way before my son started getting really sick.. He had a really high fever and was just screaming in pain... Lets just say by the time we had that stop for me to try to see if I can calm him down.. Feed and change him.. I was shivering from stress.. When we got back in the car and he fell sleep I just broke down.. I was so stressed out that I couldn't stop my tears or to shiver...

That day hadn't started well either.. I had told my mother that we were taking the trip (it takes her 3-4 hours drive to Oslo from where she lives) and I told her that she could come and visit us if she wants to.. She is in Turkey now and she is staying there for two months - so it was her last chance to see her grandson.. She decided on her own to bring one of my sisters (the middle one) and of course that turned into a shitty drama.. It ended up with her being a F--ing liar saying my mom hadn't told her about the trip, and that she couldn't come.. At the same time she called my mother saying I had called her and yelled at her saying I didn't want her there.. And then she drags our other sister (the youngest one) into the shit and she starts calling for things.. It was the last drop for me and I just had enough.. So I just blocked them from Facebook.. And have stopped replying to their calls/msg ect.. I just can't take it anymore..

Anywho.. That was the start of the day.. The kid burning up with fever was the next.. But at the end we finally arrived and crashed.. I am ashamed to say this whole episode ended up with me going into a binge mode.. I stuffed my face for a week.. I cried.. I ate.. I cried more and I ate more..

Finally I started feeling better and I decided I would get my shit together and just stop.. It was a sunny day (the first one in God knows how long).. So we ran some errands and by the end of the day I wanted one of those small icecream cones from Burger king.. And the hubby decided he is going to be "funny" and said "Oh so you wont stop your eating before you have given all our kids diabetes"... He was of course refering to the gestational diabetes.. And it was a low blow.. I was in shock.. You guys know how hard the whole shit was for me.. I was feeling so bad.. he know how hard it had been for me.. The second it was out of his mouth he realized what he had said.. But it was too late then.. He kept saying that it wasn't what he ment.. And that he loved me - that he was trying to take care of me.. But it was just not OK.. I was crushed.. (I still am when I think of it)...

I know that menn are stupid.. That they say things without thinking.. So I decided to let it be after a couple of days.. I know he loves me and that he is very sorry.. But I have never been this hurt.... Say what ever the fuck you want about me.. But don't drag my kid into it... He is the one good thing about me that I know I can not ruin...

Anyways.. I am "ok" now.. My husband is away on the trip I told you guys about with his work.. And of course my bff couldn't come and stay with me as planned.. Both her kids got a really bad case of flu right before the trip so she had to cencel it.. He will be back on Monday.. So lets hope I can manage this and that we will be Ok...

Other than those things I am doing OK.. I started over this Monday and things are OK.. I am writing down everything I am eating - and I am starting to see where I go wrong.. I want to keep writing down things until the end of next week and then start counting calories properly.. The weight is thankfully already dropping again and I feel like I am understanding my mistakes and am making better choices each day..

I have been following the journey of the girls on Team Taralynn and I was thinking about going their cleanse but I have decided not to.. I am however going to take a note and I have a couple of changes I want to work on.. First goal is to stop using salt on my salads and veg.. The second is to make lunch the largest meal of the day.. I am starting to realize that I tend to eat too little during the day and I overeat at night.. So now I want to make sure to get a proper lunch in loaded with veg ect and to have a light dinner instead..

Anyways.. That is about it from me for now...


<3

Edit: Oh I forgot to say.. I finally got the rest of the money from the house they sold for me back in Iran and I have decided I am gonna put aside some of it and use to get me something good as a reward when I reach my first goal weight.. I am thinking about a Nike fuel band but I dunno yet :)