Two weeks...

Days, hours are just flying by.. I have no sense of time anymore.. The baby is two weeks old already today. How is it even possible? 

Things have been hard.. I am in so much pain that I can barely function.. I can't lift my arms to a shoulder level even. Thank you Fibromyalgia.. I talked to my doctor last week and I am going to go back on my anti-dep pills again. They are supposed to help manage the pains too (even though it can take 4-8 weeks before you notice anything).. Which means I have had to stop nursing the baby.. 

I know for people living outside the Nordics bottle-feeding a baby is no big deal, but here it is a taboo.. You are supposed to breast-feed. You get weird looks when you take out a bottle to feed a newborn. And even though we had to do it with my oldest too, it still really messes with my head... I have been feeling like I fail as a woman. As a mother.. I feel like I am not good enough to have kids. I have been feeling guilty and ashamed. I still am.. But c'est la vie.. Right? We can never have everything we want. 

So I am trying to keep reminding my self that I am lucky to have two healthy little boys.. A husband who does what ever he cans to make me happy. Not nursing is not the end of the world. 

So next week there will be a bunch of changes: 

No more nursing the baby
Starting my meds again
My "free" weeks are also over and this means focusing on my journey, making right food decisions, and start moving more. 

Oh and today is the first official day of Spring in Iran, which also means we celebrate 

the Persian new year aka Norouz :) So happy Norouz from me to you ladies <3  

Pregnant....

Don't ask me how it happened..
I can count the times I have had sex this year on one hand..

We wanted to try for another baby end of September.. I'm not sad about another baby even though it is earlier than we had planned, but I am worried.. My last pregnancy was rocky... And the time after even harder.. I am just starting to get out of my depression..

I don't think my doctor will approve..


And my mother has been here.. She just left a couple hours ago.. Surviving these days has been a binge fest.. I am tired.. So glad i planned this ahead and took two days off so I can recover.. I also have an appointment with my shrink which also is needed..

I found out my youngest sister is using heroin... She is barely 20.. And my mother still wonders why I don't bring my kid there to "spend time with his family"... Fuck that.. I am his family.. his dad is his family.. People who love him and care enough to spend time with him are his family.. blood relation doesn't matter shit..

I'm sorry..
I'm just so tired..


And I am fat.. I don't even want to face the scale after this weeks binges..
I will have to tomorrow.. I need to start tracking my weight.. I have to do as good as I did with my last pregnancy.. I do not need to get fatter..

Going to see the midwife on the 28th.. Not sure how far along I am.. Think it is 7 weeks or so.. Never understood why they count it the way they do...


That's it for now..

Update!

Things have been very hectic.. As I mentioned my son started kindergarten almost two weeks ago.. It's been going well. He likes it there and plays well with the other kids..  He has however developed a HUGE case of separation anxiety.. It's worst with me.. When we are together he doesn't want me to put him down, or go away from me.. It was so bad that he would start screaming as soon as I went through a door.. Any door..

We think he is smart enough to understand that going through doors means we are going away from the place he is at, but he is still so young (he turns 14 months next week) that he doesn't understand that we will be back shortly.. 

Since this weekend was my last weekend at home before I go back to work I kept him with me this Friday, and we have been on top of each other the whole weekend, and his anxiety seems to be much better. It breaks my heart to see my baby in in so much stress and so upset.. And I wish I could stayed home with him for few more months.. It's insane how fast time goes by.. Here is a picture of him from a few weeks ago.. He is getting big, isn't he? :) 

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As you also might remember I have been talking about getting my drivings license.. I have my theory test this Tuesday, and the practical drivers test this Wednesday.. I am not worried about the practical test, but I am a tad worried about the theory part.. I am going to be studying when ever I can until then. So hopefully by end of this Wednesday I have my license! Keep them crossed for me ladies.. I know I need it lol ^^

As far as weight and diet goes, I haven't really been doing anything special.. I have lost around 4lbs.. I am going to get back on the LCHF diet after my practical test is done. I don't want to risk to have the "keto flu" while I have so much to think about. And my plan is (as I have probably mentioned before) to keep at it until end of March, and then take it from there. I am also hoping to be able to get to the gym in the evenings (after my son goes to bed) when I finally get my license. The weather here has been pretty insane, and with my fibromyalgi I can't really be out and about in this wind. So yeah, I really really hope to get my license this Wednesday.. 

And to top everything I am going back to work tomorrow.. I really am not looking forward to it.. I made this deal with my team leader, which lets me work 62.5% (aka 8am - 1pm, working through lunch). So now I can pick my son up a tad earlier from kindergarten. So my days will be get up around 6.. Out of the house around 7.. Work 8 to 1.. Pick up my son around 2... When we get home, it's snack  time, bath/play time.. Dinner time.. My hubby will get home sometime after 5pm and then it's bedtime for the kid.. lol I get tired just typing it... 

Anywho.. This is it for me for now... Hope you ladies are having a great weekend.. 

<3

Another baby?

My husband and I have decided that we are going to try for another baby in March/April.. We knew we wanted another and I think for me it is kind of a now or never thing..
I don't want to wait for a few years and then try cause I know I would be getting yet another shock coming with the new baby. Now we are kind of used to it all, so it will be easier to adjust.. I also want my son to have someone to play with and to be with.. I never had a sibling that was close enough to my age to connect with, and I see how much my bffs kids (there is almost two years between them) love each other, and how nicely they play together and so on.. It would also be nice to have them go pass the toddler age almost at the same time..
And I would love another winter baby. However I don't want the kids to have birthday too close to another, and I don't want a Christmas baby. Trying in March, April means the kid will be born in January/February and that works fine. And I think having a little time to adjust to the idea before trying is a good thing..

Anyways.. This means I have 3,5 months to get on track.. My plan is to keep a strict low carb diet, and to start working out other than the walks I go on with my son. Hopefully this time around I will be more in shape and more ready for the pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with my son, I was making good choices, I was watching my portions, and was so careful cause I wanted the best for him. I know I want to do the same for my next baby.. I am hoping to be able to be more active during the next pregnancy, and to keep the healthy eating even after the baby is born and don't make the same mistakes I made this time around.

As sad as it might be, I tend to reach my goals easier when I put them up because of someone else.. So I actually know I will be able to make it happen.

Do you guys have any special plans for 2014?

Around the corner...

Today my son turned 11 months!!! My time flies... He is changing so much.. So fast.. He will be walking by him self any day now... And before I have had time to blink an eye, it's January and time for him to start kindergarten...

I am dreading that day.. Dreading the day he will start doing something new and I am not there to witness it.. Dreading being away from him... I have loved before.. I love my husband.. But the love I feel for him can not be compared to anything else. I love him so much that sometimes my heard aches.. Does it make sense??
Hubby and I are talking about maybe trying for another baby next year.. Well end of next year.. But I can not imagine how it would be to have another tiny person to love. Ah well.. I guess that is something I will have to wait and see..

Him going to kindergarten means that it is time for me to go back to work.. I have told my job that I will be back January 6th.. The plan is to start part time to so that my son doesn't get stuck with day care while he is still so young. When I started my job, we were a team of 12.. All guys and me.. Couple of months before I left on maternity leave we had another girl join us.. I wasn't worried really, she being all nice and all, was 38 years old, a tad chubby and not as close as I was with the guys.. Now there are a whole bunch of new people in my team.. Including 3 new girls... This worries me...

Before I left on my maternity leave, my manager and I had a very close relationship.. I was the one taking over every time he was gone. My team mates trusted me and talked to me when something was off and I was the one taking it up with our manager.. The one who would "sweet talk" him and get things the team wanted.. We were actually mistaken for a couple by a new co-worker of ours..

When I go back.. I have been gone for 14 months.. And before that I was barely at work.. All these new people.. All the changes that have been made while I was gone worries me.. What if that connection I had with my team, with my manager is gone?? .. What if I am so much out of it that I mess up more than I do good?? Ugh...

Anyways.. In all of this mess I know one thing.. And that is that I will not be returning to work at the size and weight I am now... I know I will not be anywhere close normal weight, but I will be smaller than now.. I have not been under 100 kg since a month or so after I moved to Sweden (sadly enough around the time I started this blog), and I aim to be under 100 kg by the time I am going back to work..

I started working on this goal a couple of days ago, and have lost a couple of pounds, but we all know a couple of days in not a routine! My usual pattern is to be good a couple of days and then just jump of the wagon.. Now I just need to stick to it..

You need to eat more!

WTF right?? I'll get to the header soon...

I haven't been on lately.. And I am really behind on reading blogs.. I have been reading a post here or there, but I promise I will get on it asap...

Things have been so busy.. We have been pretty much sick since my birthday.. First week it was the cold, ever since my son has had tummy flu... This mean there has been an insane amount of poo... I am not joking.. I have been cleaning up poo like 10 times a day, and that's when hubby comes home and takes over.. Poor kid.. It's due to him teething but yeah.. Enough with the poo already... :s On the cute note, he started saying mamma for real yesterday.. He is too cute :) (and hubby is so jealous ^^)...

I have also had to get a vaccine.. Wikipedia tells me it's called Rubella in English.. I have been vaccinated for it when I was little, but while I was pregnant I was told I needed to "refill" the dose.. So I have been all icky and tired because of that on top of everything..

Talking about the vaccine.. I had my appointment with doctor hunk... He looks better in the picture than in real life.. He also had the most weird voice.. So light and well lets just say, he is one of those people who should just "shut it and look pretty" lol

I have also been calling the hospital MANY times since I still hadn't gotten my appointment (remember the pap smear with the bad results?).. After many calls I got a letter telling me I have an appointment to have the cells removed second of October.. Apparently the cells were cancerous.. So they will be "burning" off all the changed cells with a laser.. I am trying not to think about it.. They told me if everything goes as planned I will be good to go home the same day, and it will not have any affects on my getting pregnant later on..

What else..

Ah yes.. The "you need to eat more" part.. Well I finally visited a nutritionist yesterday.. She is a nurse who also works with nutrition at doctor hunks office.. I actually like her and what she said made a whole lot of sense..

Time and time again I have said I do good with my eats during the day, and then I overeat at dinner and so on.. And I have always thought that to lose weight you need to be hungry and feel the hunger ALL the time.. Now we are going to change all of that.. The plan is to have a BIG breakfast.. So a fruit + yogurt + tea/coffee + a sandwich or oatmeal or omelette.. What ever I add to the last part needs to have loads of protein... (You don't have to eat it all at once, but the idea is to have it all as breakfast).. Then it's lunch time.. The plan is to eat something like salad with loads of veg and protein.. So greens and something with protein + a complex carb of some sort.. Few hours later you are to have a snack.. And guess what. A piece of fruit doesn't count as a proper snack.. So if I am having fruit, I need to have some sort of protein on the side..
And then the dreaded dinner.. I am to have a plate, where I have 1/3 carbs, 1/3 protein and 1/3 veg...

I was told to buy a smaller plate, so yesterday I was at Ikea and bought a plate that is smaller than normal dinner plates.. I am also going to meet her again in two months, and that's when we will plan the diet in more details if needed.. So yeah.. The idea is to eat more during the day, so I eat less during dinner time and so on.. And to never get to the "I'm starving" point to prevent binges from happening.. Makes sort of sense, doesn't it?

Now that we are talking about food.. Let me tell you about this wonderful wonderful thing... So there is this service where it provides you with 5 dinners, with recipes, and they deliver almost everything you need once a week to your home.. We have ordered a trial pack from them, and if it works for us, I am going to have them deliver every week... The dinners are planned for 4 portions.. And they actually have the calories pre-calculated! I am so sick of always thinking about food and planning it - this means I have a meal less to think about! And the bright side is also that when we cook the meals, it is easy to divide it into 4, letting hubby have two, put one in the fridge for his lunch the day after, and leave one portion for my dinner..

If there isn't more food left to overeat from, then I guess I won't be overeating will I??? ... The service still leaves two dinners a week open for dinners out, and so on.. Oh did I mention the service will save us money?? At the end of the month, our food budget will go down with like couple of hundred dollars depending on what we eat during the weekends... It might not be much, but it is still plenty :) I REALLY hope it works and that the food isn't all yucky, cause I am so fucking sick of thinking about food... Planning it, thinking of it... All of it...

Other news is that my drivers license course starts tomorrow.. Tomorrow I have this class I need to attend, and I have my first driving lesson with the school next Wednesday! I am really looking forward to have the license, and the freedom it gives me.. Specially during the yucky Scandinavian winter months..

I think this should cover everything that has happened or will happen soon.. And I promise, I will get on reading the blogs soon (idea is to get on it this weekend)..

<3

Nice pattern!

I'm starting to get back in control. I must say I like it.. I am far from where I want to be, but I feel stronger and closer each day. I find keeping my goals small are helping. I aim for no more than 30 mins of activity a day and I catch my self doing more which is just a yaay factor :) - I am starting to feel better all over - my mood is better (not good but better) and I don't get the extreme depression modes which is something that I really appriciate. So all in all, things are good :)

Another fun note is that we bought a new car! This is the first time we buy a new, new car and not a used one hehe.. We needed a larger one since we don't really have room for anything but the stroller in the back, and the current car sit the baby has barely fits in.. Soon we have to change his car seat to a larger one and there just was no room for it.. We got a really good deal for our current car and there was this seasonal sale that gave an additonal 4000 USD off the price.. To seal the deal they tossed in winter wheels - so we are very happy :)

The choices were between two, one being larger and the one we picked. Hubby was drooling over the one we picked, and we always go for the more sensible options instead of thinking about the fun factors so this is a first for us as a couple.. We ended up with a Toyota Avensis combi.. I can see on the toyota site that this model is not sold in the US - so here is a pic!

The pictures are from a dealers site since ours isn't ready yet.. They said it would take 2-3 weeks to get it, it's been a week since we bought the car so hopefully it will be ready soon :D - Ours is going to be black metalic with black interios (Pretty standard for this model but I thought it looked amazing)! - The other good thing about this car is that it has automatic transmission which will be much kinder for my wrists.. 

I don't know how it is in other places but in the nordic you can get a license driving manual (It is called stick shift, isn't it) , which means you can drive cars with both manual and automatic transmission or you can get a lincense that only allows you to drive automatic transmission - and I think I am just going to get the last one. I mean, I don't think I will ever have to drive a stick and if we someday need to use a car with a stick shift then hubby can drive.. I just don't see the point of stressing with the clutching and ect when I have the option of skipping it!


Over to something else, the baby is 5 months old today.. I can not believe that he is so big already.. I feel lucky that I can stay home with him and see how much he is changing every day.. Lately he has been turning and twisting a whole lot and today I left him playing in his baby-gym for barely 20 seconds and came back to found him like this:

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First I thought about turning him back to the right position but then I decided not to since he was having so much fun! He is such a happy baby, and I really feel blessed to be his mom.. I know the pregnancy was hard and that I have been had a rough time after he was born, but I truely feel that he is worth it all.. Just a tiny little smile and my heart just melt hehe - But then again, who can resist this little cutie? :D

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Anyways :) That's it for now.. I hope next time I post I have some good progress numbers to report!

Retail therapy!

I barely got any sleep  last night... I just couldn't shut my brain off.. Waking up to your comments made me feel much better :)

I will keep going to the gym - my goal is to become one of those girls, others like the current me envy..

I have been out all day - walking (shopping mostly).. First of I picked up the christening gown I had bought online (It was on sales, saved 50% on it) - I really don't understand why they insist on putting something so girly on little boys, but oh well, it's tradition so we are going with it. Personally I do not believe on christening, and think it is something that should be done when kids are old enough to understand what it means and why it's done, but it is a huge tradition here so we are having it out of the respect for my hubby's family.. Here is a picture of what the gown looks like (The picture is from facebook and belongs to one of the ladies in my "mommy and me" group) - we are going for lighter blue ribbon - and unless it is very cold he will not be wearing the long sleeved body under the gown.

I also bought a pair of trainers - I don't have any comfy shoes at the moment and I wanted something to toss on walking to and from gym, and on the walks to the park with the baby and these were almost 60% off and they barely weigh anything.. I must say I have never ever worn such comfy shoes lol - my plan is to avoid staying at the locker-room as much as possible for now.. So I will get dressed at home and toss on these shoes and a warm jacket - and change my shoes to my normal trainers..

I also bought a pair of sunglasses.. I only had one pair that looked OK - so I really needed an extra pair.. These are cheap and look good (Atleast that's what I think hehe) 

I also bought a new cover for my phone.. These say it all - don't they? 

I also bought a couple of wristbands for the days where they need the extra heath.. and a couple of tops from HM. 

It's been a long while since I actually enjoyed shopping.. I have only been buying stuff for the baby or hubby.. So I really needed this.. 

Anywho.. Sorry for blabing! And thanks for always being there! 

<3 

30 day shred and baby pictures!

Since the weather here is still insane and I haven't been able to go out for a run or join a gym - I decided to do the 30 day shred.. Did day 1 level 1 and I must say I feel like I'm dying! I am really looking forward to feel a tad less dead doing it hehe! - Today is yet another start (a tad more proper one this time!)

I promised Winter I would post a few pictures of the kid and "show off" his outfits .. Thought I'd do that today.. I will have to remove the pictures after a while since I made a promise to the hubby about not having his pictures on the blog for too long. But here it is :) (PS: he is turning 4 months this Saturday ^^ )

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Most of his cloths are from either HM, Nameit or Next UK :)

Anywho.. Have a wonderful day ladies!

<3

Life!

So I haven't been making proper posts in ages.. Things have been hard.. I went bananas with my eats and have gained a whole lot.. I had a huge fight with hubby and didn't talk to him for days (ex. for the things that were regarding the kid), I have cut out my sisters from my life.. Mjeh.. Lets go into details..

I was in a funk for a long while.. And being an emotional eater - I just couldn't take back control over my eats and my life.. And as if everything wasn't hard enough we decided to take a roadtrip to Oslo for my bffs daughters baptism.. I didn't want to take the trip since we would have to leave on the same day that my son was to have his first vaccines.. But she kept telling me nothing would happen, and I trusted her opinion since she has two kids.. I checked with my sons doc and she said it was OK.. The drive takes 6-7 hours, and guess what.. We weren't even half way before my son started getting really sick.. He had a really high fever and was just screaming in pain... Lets just say by the time we had that stop for me to try to see if I can calm him down.. Feed and change him.. I was shivering from stress.. When we got back in the car and he fell sleep I just broke down.. I was so stressed out that I couldn't stop my tears or to shiver...

That day hadn't started well either.. I had told my mother that we were taking the trip (it takes her 3-4 hours drive to Oslo from where she lives) and I told her that she could come and visit us if she wants to.. She is in Turkey now and she is staying there for two months - so it was her last chance to see her grandson.. She decided on her own to bring one of my sisters (the middle one) and of course that turned into a shitty drama.. It ended up with her being a F--ing liar saying my mom hadn't told her about the trip, and that she couldn't come.. At the same time she called my mother saying I had called her and yelled at her saying I didn't want her there.. And then she drags our other sister (the youngest one) into the shit and she starts calling for things.. It was the last drop for me and I just had enough.. So I just blocked them from Facebook.. And have stopped replying to their calls/msg ect.. I just can't take it anymore..

Anywho.. That was the start of the day.. The kid burning up with fever was the next.. But at the end we finally arrived and crashed.. I am ashamed to say this whole episode ended up with me going into a binge mode.. I stuffed my face for a week.. I cried.. I ate.. I cried more and I ate more..

Finally I started feeling better and I decided I would get my shit together and just stop.. It was a sunny day (the first one in God knows how long).. So we ran some errands and by the end of the day I wanted one of those small icecream cones from Burger king.. And the hubby decided he is going to be "funny" and said "Oh so you wont stop your eating before you have given all our kids diabetes"... He was of course refering to the gestational diabetes.. And it was a low blow.. I was in shock.. You guys know how hard the whole shit was for me.. I was feeling so bad.. he know how hard it had been for me.. The second it was out of his mouth he realized what he had said.. But it was too late then.. He kept saying that it wasn't what he ment.. And that he loved me - that he was trying to take care of me.. But it was just not OK.. I was crushed.. (I still am when I think of it)...

I know that menn are stupid.. That they say things without thinking.. So I decided to let it be after a couple of days.. I know he loves me and that he is very sorry.. But I have never been this hurt.... Say what ever the fuck you want about me.. But don't drag my kid into it... He is the one good thing about me that I know I can not ruin...

Anyways.. I am "ok" now.. My husband is away on the trip I told you guys about with his work.. And of course my bff couldn't come and stay with me as planned.. Both her kids got a really bad case of flu right before the trip so she had to cencel it.. He will be back on Monday.. So lets hope I can manage this and that we will be Ok...

Other than those things I am doing OK.. I started over this Monday and things are OK.. I am writing down everything I am eating - and I am starting to see where I go wrong.. I want to keep writing down things until the end of next week and then start counting calories properly.. The weight is thankfully already dropping again and I feel like I am understanding my mistakes and am making better choices each day..

I have been following the journey of the girls on Team Taralynn and I was thinking about going their cleanse but I have decided not to.. I am however going to take a note and I have a couple of changes I want to work on.. First goal is to stop using salt on my salads and veg.. The second is to make lunch the largest meal of the day.. I am starting to realize that I tend to eat too little during the day and I overeat at night.. So now I want to make sure to get a proper lunch in loaded with veg ect and to have a light dinner instead..

Anyways.. That is about it from me for now...


<3

Edit: Oh I forgot to say.. I finally got the rest of the money from the house they sold for me back in Iran and I have decided I am gonna put aside some of it and use to get me something good as a reward when I reach my first goal weight.. I am thinking about a Nike fuel band but I dunno yet :)

Changes!

It has been a few very busy days.. Have been out and about with check-up and baby massage for the kid.. He also needed some new clothes, bottles and things like that - so we have been out and about for hours. Did you guys know that it is actually a pretty good workout to go on walks with the stroller? - add the shitty weather here - the wind and the mud - and you have to put your whole body into work.. So that is a very good thing!

That said - I haven't done anything but walking and carrying as far as the workout goes. I guess I was very optimistic when I planned getting out to workout 3 times a week lol... Hubby is helping a whole lot out, but the kid has been having a whole lot of tummy ache so we both have been pretty tired.

Talking about the kid - we go to this group thing provided by the healthcare system - where we are around 10 parents with kids that were born in November 2012 - and as I mentioned we had the baby massage yesterday (which my baby loved) - but I did notice that he was one of the smallest kids there (in size) - there were two that were around his size, but they were still a tad bigger. The weigh-in the day before that showed that he is gaining a bit more weight now that we are mixing BF and formula - but he is still around couple of pounds under what is "normal". I have been thinking (read going mental and fighting with my self ), and I have decided that we will be going fully over to formula feeding him starting Monday (it takes a few days to cool off the breasts and the little production that is there now).. I talked to hubby about it too - and we are pretty much agreeing that this is what is best for now.

That means starting Monday, not having to think about what I eat, I can start a proper diet. I struggle finding time during the day to eat proper breakfast and lunch since the kid is bigger now and he is more awake, wanting to play and needing attention. So I have decided to try a version of the two shake and a salad diet again.. I don't know if you remember my post about it - but here is the link. This is what I think about doing:
Breakfast: Shake
Snack: Fruit
Lunch: Shake
Snack: Skyr
Dinner: Fish/meat with veg and salad
And I'm planning to do this until 3rd of March (3 weeks) with the exception of Valtentines day. Hubby and I (and the kid lol) are going to our fav Italian restaurent. I want to say I'm going to do it for longer - but I don't want to set up goals that I might fail at. 3 weeks is a limited period and I having a date to look forward to so I know there will be a near end. I will think about what i will do when that time is over, when the time comes.

Anyways - I am looking forward to this (I am trying to keep positive and focus on the good things).. Wish me luck :)

Comments!

First I want to say thanks you for all your comments on my last post. Some made me more frustrated ^^ - some made me feel much better. All in all I am greatful that you ladies take the time to read my posts and that you tell me what your thoughts are about them.

I want to clear up something.. It is not that I do not want to breastfeed the kid.. God knows we have tried.. And the "feeding/movie marathon" is not an option for me due to my illness.. Fibromyalgia is a horrible illness - if you click on the link you can see what I am dealing with.. I am greatful to not have all the problems but I do have the pain - weakness - headaches - nerve pain - IB - along with the sleep issues.. Doing a socalled feeding marathon would mess up my body completly.. I get stiff muscles and I barely can pick up a cup of tea.. I do now as we speak struggle holding the kid up due to the nerve pain, but I deal with it cause I have to. I will however NOT make it worse for me by keep forcefeeding him to maybe have more milk to feed him with..

He started taking the breast perfectly pretty right away and his weight was going up the way it was supposed to and even a tad more the first 4 weeks - but the last 4 weeks has been a struggle.. He isn't losing weight, but he hasn't grown as he is supposed to. I eat the way I used to (I just watch and plan my meals better) and I do drink around 3L of water a day.. Often more..

Even I never thought of just going over to the bottle - and it was a hard thing for me to do - things has been so much better. He sleeps better, he is happy when he wakes up - he gurgles and plays and "talks" so much when he is up.. The baby is a happy baby and I think it is all thanks to the formula cause he isn't hungry anymore. I do still give him the breast - I give the right breast at one feed - the left next and then the bottle on the third feed. I do give him the bottle after he has gotten the breast if I see he isn't full but yeah.. This is working for us.. I am in waaaay less pain cause I'm not stressed and last night we slept for around 11 hours.. We were up to feed twice, but went back to bed and sleep right away..

I want to enjoy my baby and if this is the thing that gives us the chance to have a good time I am all for it :)

Btw Isabella Bloom, I can not read your blog anymore cause it says I am not an invited reader - toss me one if you want me to keep reading it :) Oh and I have read the book - and am on their blog and I have a few posts about it too!

It's not easy...

Being a mother is proving to be much harder than I thought it could be..
I have been been crying pretty much nonestop for the last two days.. I have been trying to cheer my self up - but it lasts for couple of hours before I'm crying again...

So apparently I do not produce enough milk to keep the kid full.. He has been sick, but even after he got better he has been screaming and crying sooo much.. He wanted to feed almost every hour and he never seemed full.. So yesterday we had his 2 months check-up and he weighs around couple of weeks under his age, this means he should weigh a pound more than what he does now..

I had thought about talking to the nurse about giving him some formula - but I never even got the chance to talk to her about it.. We are to give him formula now.. I have tried to breast feed him a little too, and I tried to pump abit today, but the amount of milk is way to little...

Who knew I would be crying over a lost pound. instead of a gained pound??

Anyways.. He doesn't like the bottle.. So feeding him is a huge argument.. He cries and screams for like 30 mins before he takes the bottle.. Which means I cry even more... I am feeling so bad and guilty ALL the time... I feel like a fail.. I feel like I am not what the kid needs...

I know I am being silly... I know this is something that happenes with a whole lot of people - and I know having fibromyalgia means I would probably would have this problem... But still I feel horrible...

I really need to see the good things in this..
I guess this means that he will not be hungry ..
He will sleep better..
I can eat or not eat what ever I want...
I can start working out not having to worry about the lactic acid...
Hubby can feed him on the nights where he doesn't have to go to work..
I can drink alcohol...
My boobs will hopefully shrink back (which means I'll lose atleast 2 pounds) and I can wear normal bras again..

*sigh*

I am so sorry about this messy post.. I just need to clear my head..

My husband has been wonderful though.. He stayed home today from work (I guess he didn't feel like going since I have pretty much been crying all night)... He has been up with the kid so I have gotten some sleep.. Not much.. But way more than before.. And he is with him now so I can have some alone time.. I am lucky to have his as my husband.. I don't think I could do any of this without his support..

My head is killing me.. I think I should eat something and drink more water.. Again.. sorry for the messy post..

Struggle...

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know about my issues with my mother, and you might also remember that every single time I talk to her I end up in pretty deep depression for some days..

My mother came to visit us last week.. She hadn't seen her grandson so she came for 4 days. She decided she wanted to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us.. I think all in all she spent a whole day with us and she had very little time with my son. Of course she made sure that I tok a picture of her and the kid to post on facebook because thats how she is.. She needs to prove to others that she is a good mother - in this case grandmother.. But I know - and my husband knows how much time she actually spent with us.. I know this sounds pretty bad - but atleast she bought some more cloths for the kid and well that is the best we get out of her.

I have learned that I shouldn't expect much from her - but she has been going on and on about how much she loves her grandson ( She never said she loves me, remember?? ) so I thought she would be different.. She nagged a whole lot about why the kid was "always sleeping".. I mean come on.. Wtf did you think?? The baby was 3 weeks old when she was here.. All they do the first couple of months is to eat, sleep, poo! - she was so disappointed that he wasn't awake playing with her..

Srsly mother?? How could you have 3 kids and don't know this?? But then again.. She never really was a mother to me.. So it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't know.. Or remembered..

And then.. The last day.. Before she was leaving she managed to say "You know, I know married your step dad because you kept calling him for daddy when I was just dating him".. Thank you fucking much mum.. First she tells me she wishes she got rid of me when I was being born, and how she regrets that she didn't cause then her life would be different..

Now she tells me that it is my fault that she married that basterd.. She knows that this is the guy who raped me as a kid.. She knows this is the guy I hate with every inch of my body and soul.. And she fucking blames this on me?? - I was fucking 3-4 years old.. I didn't know better, did I??? *sigh*

I just give up... I am going to keep up the act, and keep having this fake relationship where I smile and nod and talk to her on the phone from time to time and see her maybe what.. 2-3 times a year.. But I need to remember that she is no mother to me.. She doesn't understand.. She doesn't deserve me.. Or my baby.. Or my family... She just doesn't..

I have been trying to get over that comment ever since she went home.. But I struggle.. I have been having flash backs and bad dreams about my step dad ever since and last night I sort of just broke down.. I was feeding my son and my husband was sitting next to me.. And I looked down at my baby boy - seeing how he is depended on me, feeling the love I have for him - and I couldn't stop my tears.. I told my hubby "I think I need a shrink".. And you know what.. For the first time, I really think I need it.. Not that I think it will help.. But I dunno...

So here I am ... As always... But I will get over it as I always do... I have my own family now, and we are filled with love and joy.. I just need to hang on to this feeling.. Isn't he amazing?? This is from a week ago <3

Happy!

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments on my last post ladies :)

We are home and are loving our little baby boy. The labor was horrid... I am not even going to get there - cause it will probably scare off those of you who are planning/looking forward to have a baby hehe..

I am tired.. Really tired, but so so so happy.. He is so cute and prefect and makes alle these little sounds and I never thought it was possible to love someone so much.. Hubby is loving it all too :) We are really really happy.. Talking about hubby.. I wouldn't have been able to get through the labor without him.. He really was my rock.. I feel really lucky to have them both :)

Here is a picture of our little miracle (I will probably take it down soon - but I wanted you guys to see him before I do ^^ ) - He was born the 23rd at 04:30 am, and he is just the most loving little boy! ^^

Edit to remove picture! :) 

Anywho.. Just wanted to drop by and say thanks and give you all a little update.. Oh and PS: The weight is dropping off already and hubby has made several comments on how much smaller I already look and that my butt looks smaller now than it did before I got preggos! hehe - Can't complain at all now - can I ? ^^

<3

*untiteled*

I'm sorry for being awol so much lately.. I am so freaking tired all the time.. We had our vacation and we have been back to work for a week.. Working from 08 - 5 really takes its toll on me.. Luckily people are still on their vacation mode and we don't have that much to do at work else I'd be dead!!! hehe

Thank you all so much for the comments on my last post.. I am relaxing more about the weight and I am happy to report that I haven't been gaining since my last post.. I had another check up last Thursday and the nurse is really happy with my weight - which makes me relax more and more about it. We also got to hear our little boys heart.. They tried to listen to it when I was the last time - but he was moving too much for them to be able to get a hold of him.. This time we got to hear it properly and it was just so amazing :)

I have also decided how I am going to take out my maternity leave.. I will start taking out vacation days from around second week of Novemeber - and I will go on my leave from the 19th.. and I will be out the rest of the 2012 - and I am taking 2013 off.. I told my boss that I was going to start going back to work starting January 2014 - but only part time.. They were fine with it, and they are open for changes as long as I let them know about the changes 2 months prior to the change. During this time we will have to watch the way we spend our money, but we did the math and we will be just fine :) Worst comes to worst we will have to dug into savings.

We are also almost done with baby room and all the things he needs. We just need to buy a couple of small stuff but that is about it.

When my mum was here she bought a chair for the baby - this is a Norwegian brand and the things from them are a little more expencive the "normal" stuff - but I guess you get what you pay for.. Cause we got 5 years of warranty and it can be used for all ages.. Anywho, if you want to have a look, this is a link to the page with info about the chair. We got the back one to match the rest of our dining chairs - we also got the black baby set and the premium cushion :)

We also invested in their daybed.. We were told that the baby needs to sleep in our room the first few months and we don't have room for his bed in our bedroom... So we wanted something smaller and something that is easier to move.. We also wanted a bouncer so this was perfect for us.. I really love the color and design of this thing.. 

Anyways.. I need to be off.. I was informed that the reason for a lot of my pain lately has been pelvic girdle pain and let me tell you this.. It hurts ALOT.. I guess this is also another reason why I am so freaking tired again..

<3

* Title*

Some times it's so hard to find a proper title for posts.. Anywho..


My mom went back home this morning - and her trip has been just fine. We didn't really talk much, but I did tell her that I didn't want her to come and stay with us after the baby was born. She wanted to stay for two weeks - and her intentions are all good , but lets face it.. I would go mental.. I also think it is very important for us to be able to get our own rutines with the baby without someone else trying to tell us what to do. She tok it pretty well.. I was very surprised that she actually listened.

She had bought some baby cloths and a toy. And when she was here she bought another set of cloths and this chair we wanted for the baby. It was really nice of her cause the chair in it self was pretty expencive. I will post some more pictures of them in a late post. (I am too lazy to get up and take picture now hehe)..
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I got some questions about the parental leave here so I thought I would make a little post about it. In Norway it's pretty straight forward - you get to take 10 months and keep 100% of your regular income - or you can take 12 months for 80%.. The other parent can take 8 weeks for the full income in addition to it.

Here in Sweden it's a mess. They have so many rules and thing which really are giving me a headache.
In total we have the right to take 480 days off. Where (in our case) the father has to take 60 days. Of those 480 days you have 90 days where you get the low pay rate which is around 20 USD a day.. The rest gives you around 80% of your income pre tax. When I go on my leave my income will be around 800 USD less than what I get paid normally.. And even though we will be just fine - we wont have any room to "play", and we will depend a whole lot more on my husbands income.

So yes technicly I can take a whole year off but I really am not sure what I am going to do. I might take 10 months full time and then the rest as 50% leave and work 50% .. I really have to think about what will be best for us.. All of us..

That said the goverments in the nordics give this monthly amount of money for the kids until they turn 18. For one kid it's around 175 USD - and for two it's around 340 USD ( I know for a fact that I wont have more than two kids - so the other amounts aren't really relevant for us)..

So erm ya .. I hope it explains it a bit better hehe ..

Anywho.. I am going to go off for now.. I have loads on my mind lately.. I should make a post about that too soon... I sure need to vent - but right now, my head is a little to messy..

<3

On strike!

I'm staying home again. I am still coughing a whole lot. It was better on Monday - but got much worse on Tuesday. Yesterday I told my teamleader that I couldn't be on the phone for that much and that he should take me off everything but the Norwegian line. Did he do it? No..
So my cough got worst during yesterday and I was coughing all evening and night.. And this morning.. So now I just thought.. Fuck it.. If he doesn't care about my health, then why should I let him be in charge?
So I am taking today off - probably tomorrow too. The worst annoying part is that he was sitting next to me yesterday and he could hear how bad my cough is. He even made some comments about it.. By the end of the day I was just.. *sigh* - So enough is enough.. I hate staying home from work.. But I can not take another week of coughing..
On top of that on Tuesday I was so stressed at work that I didn't measure my blood sugar when I was supposed to. I had too much to do - and the annoying part is that I was doing the job that isn't a part of my job. My blood levels were the highest they have been ever... I have been testing it for weeks now - and never been close to those numbers. I am checking the levels today again - and hopefully the levels are normal again - if not I have to talk to that diabetes specialist and see if I need to take insulin.. Which I really really really don't want to.
They did tell me that stress effects the levels a whole lot - but that the further I get into the pregnancy, the more hormones the body produces which can effect it all. So I am really hoping that it was the stress of the day - and not the hormones.. Cause the last part would really suck :( - I guess I just have to wait and see how today goes before I start worrying more.

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Have you guys seen Fat Sick and Nearly Dead? I saw the clip the other day and it amazed me. My hubby always teases me for watching too many body related stuff - but even he was amazed by this. Here is the trailer:

Even though I am aware of the fact that what we put in our bodies really effects our health and how we feel - but things like this still amaze me. I plan to do the juice fast for 10 days when I am done breastfeeding the baby - if I don't breastfeed him - I will start with it when I start my weight loss plan starting January next year. And I must say - I am really looking forward to that.  --------------  What else is new.. Hmm.. Well we are pretty much done getting all the "big" things needed for the baby room. Here is a picture of the closet - the changing table and the beddings we got (PS: ignore the mess)

We also got some new cloths for him (The superman tee and the mini socks were a gift).

That is about it for now.
I am going to get some breakfast - and see if there are any blogs to read (the blogger world is very very quite lately).

<3

Need some changes..

Ever since I got pregnant I have been letting my self go.. Not with food and stuff - but I have been more of a slack than anything else.. I am so freaking tired all the time - so I have been sleeping in the extra 30 mins than getting up and fix my hair and put on some make up for work... I keep avoiding the mirror cause it screams "tired" every time I look at it.. I really need to do something soon.. I need to get a manicure.. and have my eyebrows threaded..

And I really need to find some new cloths.. I have been wearing whatever that feels comfy, which means I have been wearing a whole lot of yoga pants - tights - hoods ect.. And none of my shoes are comfy since my feet get  the same size as big foots feet by the end of work day ... *sigh*

To top it all - the lack of sun the last couple of weeks have put me off my plan to get some colour on me, so I am even more pale than I thought was ever possible.. I don't dare to use any tanning creams or anything like that either - cause I don't want to breath in or have anything harm the baby...

The "wonderful" hormones are making my hair unmanageable and I have been wearing a ponytail for weeks.. Which again hasn't been the best look since nothing stays in place even with the ponytail... So I am going to get some shopping done - and make some appointments to look more human.. I need to keep reminding my self that I should take care of my looks no matter what, cause it really effects my mood..

Over to something else.. We have bought some more baby stuff.. We have bought a .. I think it's called carrier bag in English.. It was on sale so we only paid half price for it :)

We also bought a crib and a mattress for the crib. It's from Ikea and we need it to put it together .. Her is a picture of the crib ..  I wanted a white crib to keep it neutral.. 

And we are going to buy off the stroller from my friend. She is expecting another baby in matter of couple weeks and the stroller she bought for her son is only a bit over a year old and barely been used and it is the same model I was thinking about getting for ours. She is going to sell it to us for half of the price she bought it for which saves us a bunch.. I never thought I would consider something used - but I have known her for around 10 years and she is the only one I could consider buying something like this from.. The stroller is going to be in forest green and it has a carrier bag for the first 6 months and can be swapped into a sitting part when the baby is older. Here is a picture of it:

We still have a whole lot to buy and the baby room is still my hubby's gaming centre but I guess I am already "nesting" .. That's the word isn't it? hehe

Anyway.. I should end this wall of text and try to do some work..

Take good care..


<3

Happy new year ladies!

I hope you all had a great celebration and are ready to grab the new year by it's balls! As a true new year rutine, I am going to put up this years to do list hehe

1. I am finally going to get my drivers license... 
2. I am going to figure out what I want to do with my career by this summer and start putting the plan into action. 
3. Exercise!!! I really need to get back in shape.. 
4. Get rid of all this extra weight... First step is to lose all the stupid weight I gained last year. 
5. Make a new close irl friend... 

Also this year - hubby and I are going to try to get pregnant. We aren't going to do it right away. We just have agreed on going for it this year. We both have agreed to take some time to get back in shape - I need to lose some weight.. He needs to gain some weight (oh the irony lol) - anywho - I wanna lose a minimum of 50 lbs before we start trying for it.. and that is ttly doable..
I am going to keep using the foods allowed for now - and after my mom goes home (She is arriving on Thursday and will leave on Sunday) - I am going to go back on my 2 shake and a high protein meal again. I am going to eat high protein, low carb stuff just as I want during the weekends to get the weekend break. I lost good amount of weight both on the low carb, and the 2 shake and a "salad" diet before.. And I think if I hadn't gone on a huge binge mode that I would be able to keep the weight off too..

Leaving that in the past now.. I am going to make a change to the food allowed tab and make a list for the low carb stuff too.

Erm.. What else.. Ya.. I have been sick since before Christmas, this cold is getting worse.. It's just so WTF lol .. I get better for couple of days, and then it gets really bad again, and get I get better for half a day, to feel worse later lol It is so annoying :P Oh and as if everything was blissful, I got my period last night . Great way to start the newyears wont you say so lol.. Tomorrow is time to get back to reality, work it is.. It will be so hard to get up that early.. But this week its only 3 days of work, so it's not that bad.

Anyway, should get off for now :) Wishing you all a great day and hope that this year will bring you loads of joy, happiness, and skinny habits hehe


<3