What a week...

This week has had a whole lot of ups and downs.. More downs than up I'm afraid..
As much as I was annoyed with my family being here I was glad my mum was here - cause couple of days ago my uncle who lives in Dubai (The one who walked me down the isle, which my mother doesn't normaly get along with), texted me that their older brother had died.

I want to start with saying that my mum has 3 brothers, one couple of years older than her, one couple of years younger than her, and the youngest one which is 3 years older than me. My oldest uncle he was a very very kind man. Always so loving, thinking and wanting the best for others.. And life being what it is (Specially for those living in Iran now) he ended up involved in drugs years ago, and eventhough our family has tried to get him to rehab times and times again, he never got sober.

My grandma and them are saying what happened to him was an accident (they say he fell off a bridge), but I am pretty sure he commited suicide.. He got 55 years old.. He has two kids in their mid/late teens.. The fall broke his spine, they say that he had a day in surgary, and the result was him being paralized from waist down.. A week later he died...

As much as this is breaking my heart, I think he is in a better place now. He hadn't been living for years.. He just was there.. And this horrible situation, has brought my mothers family together. I'm glad she was here when I gave her the news, cause else I don't know how she would handle it.

It really makes one think... Life can be over before you know it..




Thank you all for always being there for me.. I have said it before, I say it again... Some of you mean the world to me even though I don't know you in "real life"...

I will be back tomorrow with another post, numbers ect.. For now.. Just remember life is short.. Do something that makes you happy.. Really happy....


<3

Life!

So I haven't been making proper posts in ages.. Things have been hard.. I went bananas with my eats and have gained a whole lot.. I had a huge fight with hubby and didn't talk to him for days (ex. for the things that were regarding the kid), I have cut out my sisters from my life.. Mjeh.. Lets go into details..

I was in a funk for a long while.. And being an emotional eater - I just couldn't take back control over my eats and my life.. And as if everything wasn't hard enough we decided to take a roadtrip to Oslo for my bffs daughters baptism.. I didn't want to take the trip since we would have to leave on the same day that my son was to have his first vaccines.. But she kept telling me nothing would happen, and I trusted her opinion since she has two kids.. I checked with my sons doc and she said it was OK.. The drive takes 6-7 hours, and guess what.. We weren't even half way before my son started getting really sick.. He had a really high fever and was just screaming in pain... Lets just say by the time we had that stop for me to try to see if I can calm him down.. Feed and change him.. I was shivering from stress.. When we got back in the car and he fell sleep I just broke down.. I was so stressed out that I couldn't stop my tears or to shiver...

That day hadn't started well either.. I had told my mother that we were taking the trip (it takes her 3-4 hours drive to Oslo from where she lives) and I told her that she could come and visit us if she wants to.. She is in Turkey now and she is staying there for two months - so it was her last chance to see her grandson.. She decided on her own to bring one of my sisters (the middle one) and of course that turned into a shitty drama.. It ended up with her being a F--ing liar saying my mom hadn't told her about the trip, and that she couldn't come.. At the same time she called my mother saying I had called her and yelled at her saying I didn't want her there.. And then she drags our other sister (the youngest one) into the shit and she starts calling for things.. It was the last drop for me and I just had enough.. So I just blocked them from Facebook.. And have stopped replying to their calls/msg ect.. I just can't take it anymore..

Anywho.. That was the start of the day.. The kid burning up with fever was the next.. But at the end we finally arrived and crashed.. I am ashamed to say this whole episode ended up with me going into a binge mode.. I stuffed my face for a week.. I cried.. I ate.. I cried more and I ate more..

Finally I started feeling better and I decided I would get my shit together and just stop.. It was a sunny day (the first one in God knows how long).. So we ran some errands and by the end of the day I wanted one of those small icecream cones from Burger king.. And the hubby decided he is going to be "funny" and said "Oh so you wont stop your eating before you have given all our kids diabetes"... He was of course refering to the gestational diabetes.. And it was a low blow.. I was in shock.. You guys know how hard the whole shit was for me.. I was feeling so bad.. he know how hard it had been for me.. The second it was out of his mouth he realized what he had said.. But it was too late then.. He kept saying that it wasn't what he ment.. And that he loved me - that he was trying to take care of me.. But it was just not OK.. I was crushed.. (I still am when I think of it)...

I know that menn are stupid.. That they say things without thinking.. So I decided to let it be after a couple of days.. I know he loves me and that he is very sorry.. But I have never been this hurt.... Say what ever the fuck you want about me.. But don't drag my kid into it... He is the one good thing about me that I know I can not ruin...

Anyways.. I am "ok" now.. My husband is away on the trip I told you guys about with his work.. And of course my bff couldn't come and stay with me as planned.. Both her kids got a really bad case of flu right before the trip so she had to cencel it.. He will be back on Monday.. So lets hope I can manage this and that we will be Ok...

Other than those things I am doing OK.. I started over this Monday and things are OK.. I am writing down everything I am eating - and I am starting to see where I go wrong.. I want to keep writing down things until the end of next week and then start counting calories properly.. The weight is thankfully already dropping again and I feel like I am understanding my mistakes and am making better choices each day..

I have been following the journey of the girls on Team Taralynn and I was thinking about going their cleanse but I have decided not to.. I am however going to take a note and I have a couple of changes I want to work on.. First goal is to stop using salt on my salads and veg.. The second is to make lunch the largest meal of the day.. I am starting to realize that I tend to eat too little during the day and I overeat at night.. So now I want to make sure to get a proper lunch in loaded with veg ect and to have a light dinner instead..

Anyways.. That is about it from me for now...


<3

Edit: Oh I forgot to say.. I finally got the rest of the money from the house they sold for me back in Iran and I have decided I am gonna put aside some of it and use to get me something good as a reward when I reach my first goal weight.. I am thinking about a Nike fuel band but I dunno yet :)

Struggle...

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know about my issues with my mother, and you might also remember that every single time I talk to her I end up in pretty deep depression for some days..

My mother came to visit us last week.. She hadn't seen her grandson so she came for 4 days. She decided she wanted to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us.. I think all in all she spent a whole day with us and she had very little time with my son. Of course she made sure that I tok a picture of her and the kid to post on facebook because thats how she is.. She needs to prove to others that she is a good mother - in this case grandmother.. But I know - and my husband knows how much time she actually spent with us.. I know this sounds pretty bad - but atleast she bought some more cloths for the kid and well that is the best we get out of her.

I have learned that I shouldn't expect much from her - but she has been going on and on about how much she loves her grandson ( She never said she loves me, remember?? ) so I thought she would be different.. She nagged a whole lot about why the kid was "always sleeping".. I mean come on.. Wtf did you think?? The baby was 3 weeks old when she was here.. All they do the first couple of months is to eat, sleep, poo! - she was so disappointed that he wasn't awake playing with her..

Srsly mother?? How could you have 3 kids and don't know this?? But then again.. She never really was a mother to me.. So it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't know.. Or remembered..

And then.. The last day.. Before she was leaving she managed to say "You know, I know married your step dad because you kept calling him for daddy when I was just dating him".. Thank you fucking much mum.. First she tells me she wishes she got rid of me when I was being born, and how she regrets that she didn't cause then her life would be different..

Now she tells me that it is my fault that she married that basterd.. She knows that this is the guy who raped me as a kid.. She knows this is the guy I hate with every inch of my body and soul.. And she fucking blames this on me?? - I was fucking 3-4 years old.. I didn't know better, did I??? *sigh*

I just give up... I am going to keep up the act, and keep having this fake relationship where I smile and nod and talk to her on the phone from time to time and see her maybe what.. 2-3 times a year.. But I need to remember that she is no mother to me.. She doesn't understand.. She doesn't deserve me.. Or my baby.. Or my family... She just doesn't..

I have been trying to get over that comment ever since she went home.. But I struggle.. I have been having flash backs and bad dreams about my step dad ever since and last night I sort of just broke down.. I was feeding my son and my husband was sitting next to me.. And I looked down at my baby boy - seeing how he is depended on me, feeling the love I have for him - and I couldn't stop my tears.. I told my hubby "I think I need a shrink".. And you know what.. For the first time, I really think I need it.. Not that I think it will help.. But I dunno...

So here I am ... As always... But I will get over it as I always do... I have my own family now, and we are filled with love and joy.. I just need to hang on to this feeling.. Isn't he amazing?? This is from a week ago <3