Talking to my self...

Lately I have been thinking more and more about why I am fat.. The biggest reason is of course my eating habits.. So I have been trying to understand where these habits come from so maybe I can finally get a hold of it.. 

Did you know that if a baby isn't breast-fed or given proper formula until age of 6 months the risks of that child being obese as adult is way more than a child that has had the proper feeding? 

I always thought I was breast-fed.. My mother always talks about how she had too much milk and that my gran even asked her to feed my cousin since his mom didn't have milk (don't ask).. But when she was here for the christening I was told a whole other story. So she said that apparently my grandma (my fathers mother) used to "sneak" me off and give me formula at the start and by the time I was around 4 months I was apparently given "normal" food... I was all "Why???" and she said "I didn't want to speak up to your gran"... Anywho... So I was forcefed already as a kid to be a fat kid... Which apparently is a good thing in their mind.. 

I have mentioned before that my mother married my step dad when I was around 5 years old.. I don't remember if I have mentioned about how he was bashing me about food from that age.. I was either forced to eat something I didn't like, or ordered to finish my plate or I would have the option of not being fed or get spanked.. I remember these two episode from when I was pretty young, once at my moms friends house where he tok my plate away saying that I had eating too much that day and wasn't to have dinner.. The other at my grand parents house talking to my mothers uncle, where he said that he was sick of my fat ass and that he wouldn't even bothered to look at what I put in my mouth (I was 6 or 7 then)... 

When my mother moved away and left me alone with him, I was either home alone, or being abused when he was there and I remember the only pleasure I had was to eat.. I was 10 but after over and over being told how my body looked like my mothers I guess I was trying to become her.. 

Moving to my mother didn't exactly help.. A part from everything she did she also always bullied me for being fat.. She used to tell me how no one will ever want me - and how I should be ashamed of how I look, and that there was no point of her buying me cloths cause I was too fat to fit in to anything... 

When I moved out (I have probably mentioned it before, but it was when I was 16) - things didn't go that well.. I was sleeping around, trying to convince my self that it was the thing that would prove to everyone that I mean something.. I have had a bunch of bad relationships but 3 of them really fucked me up.. 

First being the guy that mentally and emotionally abused me using his illness as the reason.. Cheating behind my back and stealing my money.. He was the reason why I started cutting.. I needed to control the pain.... 

The second was another guy who didn't want to introduce me to his friends cause I was too fat... I just want to mention that when I was dating him I was at my lowest weight.. 

The third was my last relationship before I met my husband.. The guy just didn't have any sexual interest in me.. Him living in Netherlands and me in Oslo ment that we didn't meet more than a week once a month - but even then we rarely had sex.. My selfsteem went to below zero and I still haven't gained the confidence I had before I met him... 

My husband is the most wonderful man and I do love him (even he lately bugs the hell out of me) - but he is the reason why I reached for purging again.. Him being one of those freaks that can eat for 5 and not gain didn't help... 

Things that are clear to me are: 
- I deal with any sort of emotion by eating ( According to my husband it is as it worst when I am sad and feeling low)
- I was never thought portion control
- I have to learn to control my eatings and deal with my emotions in other ways than stuffing my face

I am going to follow Emily's advice and put a calender where I will color the "box" of the day for the days I eat well. I am also going to give my self a golden star for the day I hit the gym or do some other activity for an hour of more. 

I am also going to be more aware of why I want to eat.. I think I am going to just write down my eat and actually put down the times of my eats before I put them in my mouth.. That way I should be getting a tad more control over my eats - what do you think? 

1 comment:

  1. I think this is really insightful, to sit down and think about why your relationship with food is the way it is. It is something they tried to make us do when I was in treatment but weren't very successful at it, mostly because I didn't really want to get better and was there by force. I think it is a good idea to write down what you are going to eat, it really does give you a better perspective of how much you are eating. For me it also unfotunately makes me think I eat too much even when I'm eating normally so I tend to avoid writing things down.
    But you should definitely try it and see if it works for you and is the best strategy. The other thing they said in treatment was when you feel hungry, to ask yourself if you are really hungry or if another emotion is translating itself as hunger. That sometimes works for me to prevention emotional eating, but not always because I lack discipline. Anyway, I hope things work out for you, Kitty, and I hope you get your confidence back. You're so fabulous and you deserve to feel as fabulous as you are. Love you!!