I'm sorry ahead cause this post will be sort of messy..
Just like my head..

So my plan was to work 60% and have mommy leave 40% of the time, so my son doesn't have to stay in daycare for too long.. But I have been so sick lately.. You know so much pain.. And my head is just.. A mess.... The weather is not exactly helping, so I have decided to go to the doctor and have him give me sick leave so my husband could use daddy hours and pick up our son ect..

There is this system here where you gotta apply to get paid when you are on sick leave, and today I found out that I can not work 60% and be sick 40%.. I either have to work 75% or 50%...
And I know, a whole lot of people think that it is great.. Work less.. But this really feels like a kick in the head for me..

I am just not in a place physically or mentally to work 75%... But having to reduce my work to 50% feels like I am disabled... Does it make sense?.. I had missed my co-workers (most of them) and I have missed my team leader, and we are finally connecting again.. And poof, I have to reduce my work hours?? It is so fucked up that  you are forced to work less when you feel like you are in a place where your hours are just enough.

And my mood is just so horrible.. I am sleeping so horridly.. I keep having these fucking nightmares, where my mother is my sons mother.. And I keep trying to save him from her.. How fucked up isn't it??
And my mother.. My fucking mother.. Fuck her.. I am just so sick and tired of her... So sick and tired of trying to act like nothing matters... Fuck her.. Fuck all of them..

If there is one thing life has thought me is that the people who keep tossing in your face that they are your family are just shit.. People who stick up for you and are there for you, are your real family.. With or without blood relations...

I'm just so tired... I just want to mental war to stop.. I'm turning 32 this year.. Things have been fucked up for over 20 year.. When is it my fucking turn to get a break??

No more fucked up dreams... No more constant pain.. I'm just... I just can't deal with it anymore...

I guess we should hope that the shrink I'm gonna see is a great one, cause she sure has her work made out for her...


  1. Jag tycker du ska testa med 50% i alla fall. Det är nog bättre än att bara sitta hemma, för då kan man bli knäpp (titta bara på mig!).

    Jag kan förstå att du inte vill ha din son på dagis för mycket, men i mina oerfarna öron (har ju inga barn) låter inte 75% så mycket. Barn brukar faktiskt må bra av dagis, i alla fall min systers två söner. De får upptäcka nya saker och de får (det viktigaste av allt) lära sig att samsas med andra. Jag gick aldrig på dagis som mina syskon, som är rätt mycket yngre än mig, utan var mest ensam hos morfar och mormor, utan kompisar. Att börja i skolan var en chock, när man plötsligt skulle umgås med andra i ens ålder.

    1. Jo, det blir til at jeg jobber 50%, jeg bare synes at det er idiotisk at försäkringskassan ikke lar deg jobbe 60% og være sykemeldt 40%.. Jeg hadde brukt lang tid på å forbrede meg mentalt på å jobbe 60% men nå skal jeg plutselig være der 50% og føler at jeg svikter meg selv og mitt team :(

      Min sønn stortrives på dagis :) Han er nå bare 14 måneder så vi forsøker å ha korte dager så lenge det lar seg gjøre. Vi henter ham ved 2 og da får vi noen timer med ham også (han får kveldsmat kl. 5 og legger seg for natten ved kl. 6).. Tiden går så fort og jeg vil gjerne ta vare på den tiden så godt det lar seg gjøre. Tanken er å kanskje ha ham der til 3 fra høsten, så vi får se :)

  2. I know things seem overwhelming right now but remember you have made it this far in life by overcoming things much worse than this! You have worked hard for the good things in your life and I hope that working 50% of the time will be a blessing in disguise. It sounds like your mother still either doesn't get it or chooses to ignore the horrible things from the past and that might never change. But you are in charge now. Limit your interactions with her to a level that you can tolerate. She might not like it and might be a bitch about it but that is fine. Do what you know is right for you and your family.
    I hope your appointment this week goes well. Don't stop the fight for happiness!

  3. That makes no sense, that you either have to work either 50% or 75%, but I hope it'll be a good thing at the end of the day. It doesn't mean you're disabled, though I understand why you feel that way. You will get back to working more hours when you feel better, it's okay. Please try to take care of yourself as best you can, even if that means working a little less than you're comfortable with. I really hope the new shrink is able to help you in some way, you do really deserve a break. I hope you feel better soon. Keeping you in my thoughts <3 xx