Last night, when my son woke up for his night-time feed.. I made the bottle and asked hubby to feed him - went back to bed and all of the sudden my head was filled with this voice... "You fail - you suck.. You can not do anything right.. The only reason why you have lost the weight you did was because it was pregnancy weight falling off.. You can not do anything right.."! You get the idea. This morning I woke up feeling defeated.. I was in an extremely depressive mode.. My brain had been working overtime the whole night - and I just wanted to lie down and shut my head..
I have been eating today.. I have been eating pasta.. Bread.. Meatballs.. Smoothie... Granola.. A feast of food that I know I shouldn't eat.. Each bite made me feel more and more depressed.. I was thinking how I don't deserve to be alive.. How I shouldn't be a mother.. I can not take care of my self even.. How can I raise a child..
I needed to do something to shut my head up.. So I dressed up the kid - and told hubby that we are going out.. We went out and while we were out I started to take in everything that was happening around me and finally the voices were still.. And I realized - I am the only person who is standing in my way to become thin.. Healthy.. Toned.. I have this amazing talent in finding excuses of why I should skip today's exercise.. Or why it is OK for me to have that bowl of pasta.. Me and me alone...
You are probably thinking - no shit! - I am sure if you have been reading my posts for a while you have been knowing this for ages..
I don't lack the money to get a membership to go to the gym.. If I wanted to I am sure hubby would drive me to and get me from the gym now if I asked him to... I can buy and make whatever food I want - I am the one deciding what are meals are.. I am the only one to keep putting my self on random diets and then hopping off it because I take it to the extreme and burn out... I am the only person standing in my way to become the person I want to be... And I know that if I do not change me and my mindset I will be here.. Fat.. Wishing to be different while nothing happens...
I am starting over again.. Now.. This very moment.. My goals are simple.. I need to stop making excuses.. Stick to an OK calorie range.. Exercise 3 times a week.. It doesn't have to be hours.. I just need to do something..
I have made an account on Sparkpeople (Thanks Josie <3) and it is giving me a good range of calories, carbs, protein ect to reach my goal during this year.. I just need to stick to it.. For once..
I remember this comment from Miranda once where she was almost shouting at me that I need to stick to whatever I decide to do.. I should have listened to her then..
Anyways.. I am not going to let the voice win.. I will do this.. I just need to stop making it "fancy".. Keep it simple stupid..
Thank goodness for new days and new chances..