I have been eating today.. I have been eating pasta.. Bread.. Meatballs.. Smoothie... Granola.. A feast of food that I know I shouldn't eat.. Each bite made me feel more and more depressed.. I was thinking how I don't deserve to be alive.. How I shouldn't be a mother.. I can not take care of my self even.. How can I raise a child..
I needed to do something to shut my head up.. So I dressed up the kid - and told hubby that we are going out.. We went out and while we were out I started to take in everything that was happening around me and finally the voices were still.. And I realized - I am the only person who is standing in my way to become thin.. Healthy.. Toned.. I have this amazing talent in finding excuses of why I should skip today's exercise.. Or why it is OK for me to have that bowl of pasta.. Me and me alone...
You are probably thinking - no shit! - I am sure if you have been reading my posts for a while you have been knowing this for ages..
I don't lack the money to get a membership to go to the gym.. If I wanted to I am sure hubby would drive me to and get me from the gym now if I asked him to... I can buy and make whatever food I want - I am the one deciding what are meals are.. I am the only one to keep putting my self on random diets and then hopping off it because I take it to the extreme and burn out... I am the only person standing in my way to become the person I want to be... And I know that if I do not change me and my mindset I will be here.. Fat.. Wishing to be different while nothing happens...
I am starting over again.. Now.. This very moment.. My goals are simple.. I need to stop making excuses.. Stick to an OK calorie range.. Exercise 3 times a week.. It doesn't have to be hours.. I just need to do something..
I have made an account on Sparkpeople (Thanks Josie <3) and it is giving me a good range of calories, carbs, protein ect to reach my goal during this year.. I just need to stick to it.. For once..
I remember this comment from Miranda once where she was almost shouting at me that I need to stick to whatever I decide to do.. I should have listened to her then..
Anyways.. I am not going to let the voice win.. I will do this.. I just need to stop making it "fancy".. Keep it simple stupid..
Thank goodness for new days and new chances..
I'm sorry you're having a tough time hun. I know how horrible the inner voice can be.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're starting fresh :)
I think small 110% achievable goals are important for you right now.
I know you can do this xxx
I love sparkpeople for the recipes, it makes family meals so much easier! You are right though, sometimes we get to ridged and strict and don't see the big picture. Is pasta evil? No, eating a pound by ourself is. I have been trying moderation, eating mostly healthy foods I make myself and when a cookie shows up I try to have a serving. I think moderation has been harder than rescriting for me. It sounds stupid to most people but I am trying to learn how to eat. You have a clear mindset now so good luck!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, I'm just the same: I'm looking for a quick-fix and restrict myself, and in the end I'm so desperate for food that I stuff it all in my face. But you're on the right track: slow and steady. You owe it to yourself and to your family to lose weight in a healthy way! Never forget that.
ReplyDeleteYou're reading my thoughts...you can do it, the voice will shut up eventually..you can do it..good luck
ReplyDeleteI think we all go through this at some point; we're blind to what's in front of us. Good luck xx
ReplyDeleteGood motivation! Lots of people (including me of course) make excuses that stop them from putting in the work necessary to get healthy. Being aware of those excuses is a good way to start making changes.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are finding out what is standing in your way. Everyone has their own obstacles. Mine is eating out and sweets once in a while. I at least got the exercise part under control. I also have to exercise and eat right all the time to lose and maintain. I can't slack at all. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteAwwww I wonder what did you put on the little guy. I bet he was handsome ^_^
You can do it! I've always said that. I feel like the worst example since I've been struggling so much but I'm thrilled if anything I've ever said inspires you to keep trying.
ReplyDeleteKitty, I have missed a lot, (been going through your posts), but YOU ARE WONDERFUL! You've always been such a wonderful friend to me, and you definitely do NOT suck. Good luck with starting over! I'm definitely rooting for you. I'm starting over too (after having a major meltdown because I tried and failed to fit into my only suit). I plan on exercising (normally, none of that over-exercising thing) a little each day and eating healthier, and really recognising my binge triggers before the binge actually happens. And I'm going for losing a pound a week, healthy, normal. Let's hope I can keep the mosters at bay this time :P. I love you!!
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