Tomorrow it starts.. For real...

Back!

We had a nice trip - the weather Gods wear kind to us and we only had half a day with not so nice weather. I got on the scale and I'm up 3 lbs.. And you know what... I take it... I haven't been feeling good (had no BM), and I think I have either had a really bad allergic reaction to something or I am getting a cold cause my throat has been sore and a tad swollen since Friday.. 

But today is a new day.. I am going to drink LOADS of water and tea to just get my body moving and get rid of what ever I can get rid of.. 

Today I am also joining forces with Miranda and going on a Protein and veggie diet.. She is going to do the 30 day shred - but with the weather finally being OK I want to get some running in.. So I think I will do a mix of the Shred, running, hitting the gym, and wiifit on the days I don't really have energy to do something more. We (the baby and I) are also going to take an advantage of the nice weather and go on long strolls. 

So I am going to remember that I eat to live not live to eat... 

And to keep my body moving... 

And stop being an utter idiot... 

Now lets have a great new start to this week and stick to it! 

<3 

Motivation??

I made this post from my cell that is still on "publishing" and it doesn't seem to complete.. So I thought I'd make another post..

I was at the gym today.. And I felt really out of place.. I mean.. Who needs thinspo when you have a gym like mine??

I feel horrid..
And this might sound weird to you but I was looking at the mirror and watching the little barbie dolls walk around and I saw my self for what I am..

HUGE...
Not fat.. But HUGE..

And trust me .. This is not my brain playing with me.. It is a fact..
I guess this was the kick in the butt I needed..

I have a mealplan - a gym goal - and I am sticking to it..

No more cheats..
No more giving up..

I will not be the fattest girl at anywhere anymore...

Truth!

Keep it simple stupid!

Last night, when my son woke up for his night-time feed.. I made the bottle and asked hubby to feed him - went back to bed and all of the sudden my head was filled with this voice... "You fail - you suck.. You can not do anything right.. The only reason why you have lost the weight you did was because it was pregnancy weight falling off.. You can not do anything right.."! You get the idea. This morning I woke up feeling defeated.. I was in an extremely depressive mode.. My brain had been working overtime the whole night - and I just wanted to lie down and shut my head..

I have been eating today.. I have been eating pasta.. Bread.. Meatballs.. Smoothie... Granola.. A feast of food that I know I shouldn't eat.. Each bite made me feel more and more depressed.. I was thinking how I don't deserve to be alive.. How I shouldn't be a mother.. I can not take care of my self even.. How can I raise a child..

I needed to do something to shut my head up.. So I dressed up the kid - and told hubby that we are going out.. We went out and while we were out I started to take in everything that was happening around me and finally the voices were still.. And I realized - I am the only person who is standing in my way to become thin.. Healthy.. Toned.. I have this amazing talent in finding excuses of why I should skip today's exercise.. Or why it is OK for me to have that bowl of pasta.. Me and me alone...

You are probably thinking - no shit! - I am sure if you have been reading my posts for a while you have been knowing this for ages..

I don't lack the money to get a membership to go to the gym.. If I wanted to I am sure hubby would drive me to and get me from the gym now if I asked him to... I can buy and make whatever food I want - I am the one deciding what are meals are.. I am the only one to keep putting my self on random diets and then hopping off it because I take it to the extreme and burn out... I am the only person standing in my way to become the person I want to be... And I know that if I do not change me and my mindset I will be here.. Fat.. Wishing to be different while nothing happens...

I am starting over again.. Now.. This very moment.. My goals are simple.. I need to stop making excuses.. Stick to an OK calorie range.. Exercise 3 times a week.. It doesn't have to be hours.. I just need to do something..
I have made an account on Sparkpeople (Thanks Josie <3) and it is giving me a good range of calories, carbs, protein ect to reach my goal during this year.. I just need to stick to it.. For once..

I remember this comment from Miranda once where she was almost shouting at me that I need to stick to whatever I decide to do.. I should have listened to her then..

Anyways.. I am not going to let the voice win.. I will do this.. I just need to stop making it "fancy".. Keep it simple stupid..

Thank goodness for new days and new chances..

Day 3!

Todays numbers are super super super low... I ended up at 700 cals! But I ate well all day and have been feeling great! Oh and I'm done 1.3 lbs .. The numbers are making me happy.. But I am aware of the fact that they are only numbers.

Today we have been out and about all day, by lunch time I was hungry and I am ashamed to say that I hadn't planned on being out that long so I didn't have anything to eat with me and lets face it, a low cal protein shake and a pro bio yogurt doesn't keep you going for long.. As we were driving I saw a McDonald's sign and asked hubby to drive in.. And guess what.. I ordered a side salad.. No dressing.. And that's it! I was so proud. And hubby was shocked.. I have never ever had the willpower to stay off burgers! And it felt so good! When we got home I had an apple and a cup of soup.. Then I had a huge dinner! The dinner was one of the most yummy and filling dinners I have had in a while and it ended up and it had a total of 402 calories! I had a oven-baked omelette and loaded it with veg - and had 2 wasa fiber crackers on the side!! So yum!

But you were all right - I can not live on these numbers and take care of the kid.. I need to find more low cal options like the dinner I had today.. I went to the store and bought some bell-pepper and sellerie and carrots to have more snack options - and I got my shakes! The powder smells just like hot coco! I can not wait to try it out tomorrow :) My daily intake goal is 1200 and I have to make sure I get closer to that number.. But for now - I am not stressing over it..

Anywho - gonna finish my tea and get ready for bed :)

<3

Day 1!

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Motivated!

As you might have noticed I have been pretty AWOL the last few weeks. I haven't been feeling all too well - and when I learned that I was pregnant it sort of felt like my dream of getting "normal" and healthy was over.. All I could think about is the fact that I will be fatter and fatter and that was it for me..

Your comments did make me feel better.. But lets be honest, in that state of mind - it was very temporary.. I have been feeling really lost.. Who am I now? - Who will I become?

So I have been depressed.. Crying a whole lot (thanks hormones) .. You get the idea. The other day I remembered the two comment.. One from Tempest - with that amazing article.. The other from Sleepwalker, about the podcasts.. I have read the article, and been listening to the podcasts - and it has been doing wonders for my mental state.

This is a choice.. No body is forcing me to stay pregnant.. As Miranda said - I have been wanting this, and now is it.. So true.. This baby - is a blessing.. I am NOT going to become like my mum - and blame my baby for not being who I want to.. This baby is good.. This baby is the kick I need to get healthy.. To make the talk into a lifestyle.. Eating clean.. Getting enough nutrient.. Being good to my body.. Listening to it..

Then of course I started thinking about food.. What to eat, how much to eat.. The math.. You know what I mean.. And I remembered I have this old food plan from this PT - where it has two versions.. I have talked about the low cal version before in some posts I think - but now is not the time for me to under/overeat. The second part of his meal plan is for around 1800 calories. That is actually only 16 calories down from what my BMR is atm. - and as I mentioned before - the baby doesn't need that many extra calories. Jillian was talking about 300 calories a day. So my plan is to follow that 1800 calorie plan - and add a smoothie in as the snack. And then just feel free to have the extra fruit, veg when ever I feel like it. I am also allowing my self the extra cup of popcorn, or a cup of starbucks if I feel like it. And that together is enough calories for me to get the nutrients I need - and still have the extra calories for the baby - and not become an elephant by end of this pregnancy.  Anywho - I am putting calorie counting on the shelf, and I am going to start measuring everything according the the plan.

I have also been wondering about this blog, and what to do about it. And every single time I get back to the place where I know for a fact that I love it.. I love you guys, and I would hate to lose you guys and your blogs, your every day, your comments. So the blog is going to stay up - and I hope you don't get sick of my whining - and I hope you will still be there even with the baby weight ect.

Wish me luck hehe - I am sure it is needed



<3

Stick to it..

If I stick to my calorie budget for one year... One year only.. I know I will be able to reach my goal and then some more.
When I think 1 year - I feel like it's way too long. I want it to go faster - and I want to see results NOW.. I know - within my self that it tok me several years to get here - it tok me years to become like this..
So one year - is the longest it might take.. IF I stick to it..

So I just wanted to drop by and say DON'T GIVE UP!! - nothing is impossible.. It might take a little longer than you wish for it to take - but it will happen ONLY if you stick to it..



<3

Motivation..

Saw this on facebook and it is supposed to be a positive outlook... I see motivation and wanted to share it with you.. I know that you understand why..

PS: Thanks for being there.. Yesterday was a horrible day... This morning didn't start so well either.. But I am going to stop the bad trend and stay strong from this moment on..

Love you all <3

THIS is what I want..

I came across this picture on tumblr and I LOVE it.... 

It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on. – Sharon Salzberg

Motivation..

I am pretty depressed today. So I thought I would just post a bunch of motivation clips I saw last night. <3

We bought the place!

So the place I told you in my last post- the one that needs to be totally renovated.. Well we bought it! and we are signing the contract in around 1.5 hours :)

I can not WAIT to get my hands on it- plan the bathroom- kitchen.. the colors.. Everything ^^ Girls feel free to give me your idea's ^^ hehe

Oh another news.. Yesterday I wanted to binge.. I was so ready.. Got to the shop and filled on a whole lot of shit.. And you know what.. When I got home.. I stopped half way.. I reminded my self that this was not who I wanted to be..

Today I have been reminding my self over and over that I NEED TO CHANGE.. I can not keep waiting.. So I wanted a panini. And you know what.. Instead of using butter and ketchup and making two of it as I always would.. I made one. And I used fresh tomato and paprika instead of the fatty stuff.. Still tasted yummy!

I need to keep this up.. Making half of the portion I would normally have. and just keep in mind that I do NOT have to eat everything that is infront of me..

The leftover "binge" food is tucked away. Hubby can have it.. I really don't need to or want it..

So this is how the day has been so far.. After we are done signing the papers for the flat I am going to celebrate.. And this time it will not be with food or something fatty.. I am going to by simple light weight treadmill.. I am so going to get the pink one if they had it hehe .. It is on sale and you know what.. I am planning to actually use it too. I love watching tv so it will be placed right here where I can walk and watch my favorite shows..

Anyways I need to go get ready to get out.. But before I go I want to repaste what I read on a blog today which really got into me..

Today, I will eat healthy. I will not put myself down. I will tell my self that I am amazing, commited, and that I can do this. I will prove to everyone that they were wrong. I will wear a bikini  and I will not only look good I FEEL damn good in it. I will be confident, happy and beautiful! 


<3

Fruit day..

Yesterday was bad.. Well the dinner part and everything after was bad. I haven't been "sick" since my bff was here and well my body had a "bad" reaction to it I guess.. That combined with the mental part of it.. The part where I feel ashamed over my self for actually doing it.. Lets just say it felt horrid.

But that was yesterday.. I am trying to not stay in what has happened and keep moving on. C'est la vie.. Today I am giving my self a fruit day, so I am going to try to eat as much as fruit as possible. I think the fibre and the vitamins will do me good. I am also going to try to stay off coffee today. I have been cutting down on my coffee intake, and been replacing it with tea and it's been kinder on my tummy.

I have also been playing with the idea of becoming a flexitarian. And I don't really see a reason why I shouldn't. Anyhow, I am going to read more about it first.

I couldn't wait until Friday to get on the scale. I'm 230 today, and I guess that's OK- I am looking forward to get out of the 200's and never get up to that again. The other day we were out and I saw this skirt I really loved, but the largest size they had in it was a EU size 44. That is around 4-6 sizes smaller than what I use today.. Lately I hate shopping.. Nothing I like looks good on me.. Nothing I like is there in the "right" size.. So  I was really sad again. And my bf said "I think you should get the skirt anyways, I see that your body is changing and you should have it as a goal, when you fit the skirt you know whatever you are doing is working for you".. So I got the skirt. I tried it on when I got home.. And its really really really too small for me.. So now I have another goal.. And that is to get in that skirt.

Lately he has been asking me a lot of questions about  my diet, and what I want and my goals and so on. I haven't always been honest on every details ( I always "forget" to tell him about the B/P part).. But ya we have been talking. I told him that I wanted to go on a huge shopping trip to London when I hit my GW, and that I wanted to shop for 1k GBP and that I was saving up for that. So now he wants to pay for that shopping trip.. First I was a tad .. I should be doing this by my self.. By now I don't really see a reason why I should be doing it alone. He has also joined my gym, so now we are going to hit the gym together, which makes it so much easier to get going. So ya.. I might let him.

*untitled*

Some times I have no idea what I should use as a post title.. So this is going to be "untitled" only because this is going to be yet another rant post. Today is Norwegian national day.. And since I am mostly supporting our Norwegian customers that mean I have nothing to do today.. I should have had the day off.. But I'm not complaining. It's so much easier for me to eat less when I'm at work. It's been raining for couple days now, and even though I love the smell/sound of the rain.. I am kind of sick of it now.. So I rather sit at work than being home.

Yesterday was a good day with food. I counted my calories and what I ate was pretty low on fat. I wasn't full by   the end of the night, and I guess I could have eaten more.. But now that I feel like I can eat if I want to, I don't want to.. I guess thinking about food, and how I can't eat this and that.. Or planning what I can eat ALL the time, made me binge so much easier. Or maybe it was the "panic" about not being able to eat without feeling guilty. Total intake was right under 900 and it could be much less if I hadn't had that handful of crisps. 

I didn't get to hit the gym yesterday, laundry day, and I haven't been in the best shape. But I am going today, and   if I am still in a horrid shape, I will just walk for an hour or so. 

Anyways, I am out for now. 

May/June Competition and the skinny girl diet!

Yesterday was a bad day for me.. The only good side was that I got to order the wedding dress.. But other than that it was horrid.. Also had a huuge argue with the hubby to be and ya..

Anyways we made up.. New day and new start..

Yesterday I decided I would go on the skinny girl diet. I have made a page on the blog about what it is and the rules and so on.

I also joined americaneaglelove on her May/June cometition. She says "This competition begins on May 10th, ends on June 10th. Anyone is welcome and encouraged to join, but I won't be able to mail out a prize to you if you win and you don't live in the US. The purpose of this friendly competition is to have fun, hopefully provide motivation towards your goals, and to help encourage others." There is a prize, but I don't really care about it. I just want/NEED the motivation.

I wasn't sure if I was going to join, I was just really ashamed of how fat I am looking at the weights of the girls that are on it. But ya.. I guess the fatter you are the more you need the support and motivation?

Anyways, making another page for the intake/ wight updates for the diet. I like to keep the blog posts for rambles, but still have the numbers somewhere.

A head full of Rusty..

As I have mentioned earlier in the blog, I have gotten me the visual impact for woman and I am reading it "properly" before I go on it. So here are a bunch of the clips from the plan.. Tips about eating.. Exercise and so on.. Which I will be doing.
Basicly this post is for me to reread when I want a little boost of motivation and a kick in the bum to get back on track.

• Think in terms of weekly calorie deficit, not daily calorie deficit.
• Use intermittent fasting- fast until dinner 2 times per week and eat a medium sized meal for that dinner.
• High Intensity Interval Training <3-  Intense intervals are effective at releasing fat from your fat cells. The high intensity intervals also burn calories directly, adding to your daily calorie deficit. Creating a calorie deficit is key to weight loss.
• Follow the “2 day split” routine

A typical week will look like this:

• Mon: Day 1 – Back, Chest, and Abs - Cardio
• Tue: Day 2 – Shoulders, Biceps, and Triceps - Cardio
• Wed: Off
• Thu: Day 1 – Back, Chest, and Abs - Cardio
• Fri: Day 2 – Shoulders, Biceps, and Triceps - Cardio
• 1 hour of walking after each work out. 

Work hard once and then maintain that level. From that point forward, use that extra energy to travel, meet some new friends, start a business, learn some hobbies, etc. Also...don't be afraid to back off on your training if more important things come up (you will simply have to eat a little less).

PS: There are 3,500 calories in a pound of fat

Wedding dress and whole lot of blab!

Today I got to know that my uncle and his family will be attending the wedding.. Yaaay.. My uncle has been my only male figure that I have had in my life.. Well the only one that I could always count on. He and his wife are the perfect family.. The way they love and support eachother in every aspect of their lives has always made me warm at heart. And they always had a way of making me feel like I belong, and made me feel like home..

I didn't really have a home growing up. Long story :) Anyways, they moved to Dubai for his work a few years back, and sicen they moved I haven't really seen them all that much. And I wasn't counting on them being able to attend the wedding. It is one hell of a way to get here. But today he mailed me and said that they would.. And I have been srsly yaay about it all day..

I also asked him if he would "give me away" at the church :) I hope he says yes, it would really mean alot to me. This however means that now I really have to go for the more traditional wedding dresses. I think I will order from ebay. I have been reading alot of good reviews about them and I don't see why not. The price is a huge factor, but the main reason is that they custom make it for you. So I am gonna order it with a couple of cm smaller on everything, and if its too big I will just have it fixed here.

I have been seeing a few dresses, I'm not sure which one I like the most :) What do you think?

The first and last two pictures are the ones I like the most. If I were to choose one, I think it would be the first dress at the moment, but I'm not sure.

And ya.. I have been feeling really low about all the drama that we have had around the wedding plans and such, but I dunno, I guess this one positive little news made me feel so much better .. And I am so glad that we didn't just give up and eloped.

All of this have given me a whole new boost of motivation. I have been doing good on the eating side, but I really have been lacking the motivation for the training stuff.. It's few days over 14 weeks left to the wedding. Rusty's HIIT program is 12. I will hit the gym in all my lunch breaks, and do a longer session after work.. Other people do it.. So can I . Or what??