Crap de la crap!

I am in such a crappy mood lately... Everything bugs me.. My husband is being the most annoying version of him self.. Every single thing is become and argument.. I am just soo tired..

I miss having a social life.. I miss my friends in Oslo, and Oslo was always the place I called home.. But still.. Now I don't feel like I belong there anymore.. And I know for sure that I don't belong here...

I am so lost..

90% of the time.. I feel like I am a single parent..
90% of the time.. I feel lonely...

I miss my job... At the same time I really hate the idea of going back to it..

The weather has been shit.. It is still shit.. One of the reasons I said OK to us living here was the fact that it was supposed to be only two weeks of snow per year.. It's still snowing.. And the fucking wind.. It is so bad that yesterday it almost tipped the stroller with the baby in it over.. And I mean.. We have one of the safest, most stabil strollers out there.. Imagine how strong the wind was..

And for someone like me.. The wind is poison.. I am aching everywhere.. I am constantly tired.. I just want to go away...

Two nights ago.. I broke down.. And for the first time in over 10 years I was thinking how much I miss the feeling of a blade against my skin.. I was thinking how good it felt to be in charge of the pain... Of course I didn't act on it.. But it scares me that I am actually thinking about it...

Random note...
I just turned on the TV and they are putting cloths on this girl.. This fat girl.. And everything either looks like a tent.. Or she looks like she is a painted building... And they keep telling her she is looking amazing.. And Trust me.. She looks like shit..

Talking about shit...

I am planning christening for the kid.. It is going to be on 4th of May and I am going to on a VLCD diet... We have this big family thing on Monday so I will start after that. I am going to have one meal of oatmeal (180 cal) - 5 portions of VLCD Shakes (560 cal) and a pro-bio drink (28 cal) and loads of water, tea, coffee...

I just need to have control of something.. and I think this will provide the control I crave without any blades involved.. (Yes I just saw how fucked up this sentence is)...

Anyways.. I guess all there is left to say is happy easter...

Nutrilett vs dinner time...

Living with my fiance has it's good and bad sides.. I love having him around, and I really love him for every little things he does for me.. But he can not cook to save his life...

Before we met he used to eat quickly made mac along with pre-made meatballs, almost every day... I love cooking I took over that role as soon as we moved together.. But now.. Making him dinner while I am not having any is a tad harder than I thought.. The smell of it.. mm.. So what did I do?? Nothing.. I kept me busy with other stuff while I was cooking his dinner.. I made something for tomorrow already as well so I don't really have to think about that tomorrow after gym.. 

Anyways.. I took some "before" pictures which really made me rethink how the food was smelling.. I am really really sorry for those of you who actually look at it.. I know I look horrid... I will never ever look like that again.. I still can't understand how I could let it go this far.. 

I have settled on the VLCD shakes and "smoothies".. I think keeping it boring is the way to go.. No temptations.. Talking about temptations.. Having cake tasting for the wedding on Wednesday.. I already know what we are going to have to I will try to keep it to a minimal.. 

The VLCD diet I am using is called Nutrilett.. I am having a blend of 3 shakes a day which is 336 calories in total. The smoothie is 209 calories. That is a total of 545 calories a day.. I am going to skip one of the shakes on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to keep it under 700 even with the cake tasting.. 

Tired..

No weight today.. I kind of overslept and didn't have the time to do anything but taking a fast shower and get dressed before we had to rush off.

Had a banana for bfast
A whole wheat sub with turkey ham, lettuce, paprika, cucumber and honey mustard saus for lunch

Hitting the gym after work for a mini 30 mins cardio

Thinking about just having a soup in the cup for dinner..  Don't really feel like eating anything else today.

I am thinking about testing the skinny girl diet or another VLCD after we get back from Prague. But I'm not sure how well it works combined with gym..

Will see...