90 lbs in 90 days!

So I was watching the "I used to be fat" episode with Marci - on MTV (slow Monday at work) - and that girl is just such a pain .. She is so lazy and annoying and OMFG .. She fucking lost 90 lbs in 90 days.. WTF!

If she can do it - so can I... So here is the challenge.. 90 days - 90 lbs. I am starting tomorrow- since tbh I have no idea how much I weigh now. I want to have the numbers clear..

So here it is:
Start date: 2011.10.11  - end date: 2012.01.11 AKA 90 days..
The challenge is to lose 90 lbs during those 90 days!

Remember. The reason why I think I can do this is cause I am massive. When I have lost 90 lbs I still have a long way to go before my very sane and healthy GW.

The plan ?? Counting and cardio..

I think I am ready girls.. I think I just am ready..


<3

I just had a thought..

As you know I have been having a whole lot of ups and downs lately. Everything has been a mess- and my body has been one of the main subjects on my mind. As you also know, it being messed up cause the way it looks is a big issue of mine. I have been thinking a whole lot- specially with my co-worker, the one who had the gastro has been back to work and is losing weight.

It's been a couple months ago he had his surgery and it is not hard to see that he has lost a whole lot of weight. His cloths are loose and his neck fat is only couple layers now compared to the 4 he had before his gastro. Yesterday I overheard him asking one of the guys here to buy him Chinese food for lunch. And I also saw him stuff inn 4 rolls with ham and butter and so on - and some candy, on our common Thursday breakfast at work. Now I know that he isn't able to eat all of it in one sitting since he just had most of his stomach removed- but he bombarding his body with a small but constant flow of the food means that the stomach will expand and he will put the weight on again.

I have asked him if he has had any help (shrink and so on) for the issue- apparently they only get a session before they are approved for the gastro- then you go in a line to get it- in his case it took couple years. Then nothing.. So he hasn't changes his mind- or the way he looks at food. I have heard him say things like "oh I can never give up bread" and ya.. I normally just snort at it.. Thinking I am so much better.

The matter of fact is that I am not. I was thinking - if I were to get a gastro- the only thing that would stop me from stuffing my face would probably be that I couldn't.. And I have been thinking that if I really had a proper mind sett- I wouldn't think about having a gastro if I had the will to stop eating. Correction: from overeating. I am realizing more and more that being skinny- healthy- fit is not something that is given/handed to you. If you want those things you have to work for it. I know this is such a duuh moment- cause I have this way of thought when I think of work- money and so on. So how come haven't I been able to put it in practise when it comes to my eating habits? Lets face it- if being all those things was easy everyone would be thin- healthy- fit.. Wouldn't they?

I am realizing more and more that I am stuck being a talker... I talk the talk- I give opinions- but I never put it into action. They say losing weight is 70% diet- 30% exercise. I keep blaming the lack of exercise for my flabbiness. But I know that it is not it. You are what you eat yes? A calorie is a calorie- if you don't eat too much then you wont gain weight- if you eat less than you burn then you will lose weight. As Mia puts it, it is easy simple math.

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting :) . Seems like I still have a bunch of soul searching to do. To figure out what I want and actually make a commitment to my self. Not to others - but to my self.. For once..

Wish you all a great weekend.

<3

It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on. – Sharon Salzberg

Feeling better..

I am feeling better girls. Thanks for your kind words. I do not think I am ready to talk to someone yet- I am one of those people who wants to figure out stuff on my own first (not that it always works that well but ya hehe)..

I think I was just really overly tired. And the season change pains made it all even worse.
But I am better. I have been going to bed early ish lately and been sleeping more. And it is doing wonders for me. I have still a whole lot of pain- but I am dealing so much better with it now that I am not so burned out. :)

I also got a hair cut couple days ago. Took off around 10 cm's so my air is just about over my shoulders now. You guys remember how I was going to have a brazilian blow dry? So I was finally going to do it next Thursday, but I got a call from the saloon saying that they didn't do it anymore- that they had started doing Brazilian blow dry zero... It makes the hair soft and shiny and blabla.. And I don't want that.. My hair is already soft and shiny .. I wanted it to be straight without me having to use the iron everyday. So I just told them to cancel it. I am not going to pay around 200 dollars to have my hair become more shiny lol.. I had bought a coupon from groupon for it- so I had to call them and get a refund.

Anyway, all in all I am happy about the cut- Makes me feel so much lighter :)

It was actually hubby who had bought it for me as a pre Bday gift. So now that we are going to get the refund, I get to choose something else to get instead. And I think I want to get a yoga DVD. We have the extra bedroom when we move and we are going to use it as a gaming/training room until it becomes the baby room :) Which is still far far away :)


Anyway.. Off for now..

Thanks again for being so great always

<3

....

Sorry for being such a mess lately. I seem to be sort of lost. Constant being tired- not having time for my self, everything happening right after each other.. Me constantly wanting to make changes and failing.. The insane stream of info. A war between what I want- what I can- and what I wish..

So I think at the end.. I sort of flipped..

I really want a change.. I want to change my patterns for the better. AT the same time, I feel like there is never time. Never time to be.. And just breath.. And I HATE failing.. I really hate it.. I can not deal with it.. I have never known how to. At the same time I keep wanting to do too many things at the same time- and either end up burned out or I just leave it midway cause I just don't care anymore..

I also tend to ALWAYS put everyones needs infront of mine. If someone needs something or wants something.. I just hand it.. Or if i can't then.. I go around with this constant nagging of guilt..

Talking about guilt. That is also something that is really killing me.. I ALWAYS feel guilty lately.. Every time I put something in my mouth.. Every time we have to skip the gym(yet again).. I feel guilty.. I really want to go vegan/veggie.. And my hubby does support the idea of it.- but it never gets put into action. And you know what.. I really don't have the energy to do something about it.. But then if I eat it.. Then I feel horrid.. I feel like my stomach turns over and I feel sick and guilty..

I think I need help.. I think I need to talk to someone and learn to deal with everything that has happened in my life.. I know what is wrong with me.. I just don't know what to do about it.. I think.. *sigh*..

I need to learn to not use food to cover my emotions. I need to learn that it was not my choice to be abused as a child. I need to learn that whatever my stepsisters are doing with their life, is their decision and that they have no right to blame me not living there for it. I need to learn that my mum is my mum.. That no matter what I do, or who I become.. That I will never be enough for her. That the only reason that she is proud of me now is cause of my husband. I need to just accept it and let it go. I have to learn that my friends back home only want to share things with me when it suits them. And they wont always bother to even include me.. I need to let it go... I need to stop using food to feel whole.. I have a husband who loves me to death.. I need to learn to love my self.. and not use food to feel "good"..

I read somewhere that food is the good girls drug.. And you know what.. I really can relate.. I couldn't stop my step dad in raping me.. So I used food to numb me feelings and to get fat.. To use it as protection..
I couldn't fit in with the kids at school when I moved to Norway, so I used food.. It would never hate me.. It gave me the warm feeling.. My mum wouldn't say she loves me.. Or even give me a hug.. So I used food .. The only thing I had in common with her.. Ah well.. I have a whole bunch of issues lol..

I talked to the hubby, about maybe wanting to get some help.. He said I could talk to him.. And I know I can.. But how much would that help? I mean .. I dunno.. But we talked about some changes that would be of help. So last night I gathered ALL my health and food books and tucked it away. I can not focus on them now.. We also agreed to actually do get up earlier so I can have time to fix my hair, and put some makeup on and to have time to make breakfast/lunch. We are also going to stop eating infront of tv. We only eat infront of tv.. I read somewhere that eating infront of the tv would learn you body to relate tv watching with food and that you would feel hungry eventhough you really aren't.. And we are going to plan our dinner once a week.. My mind is bursting with numbers.. Calories... Carbs.. Food.. I am SO SICK of always thinking about food.. So now I get to do it once a week..

My hubby sucks at cooking.. So I end up being the only one dealing with it always. So ya. I gotta limit it.. I also talked about how not being active is depressing me. That the combo of always being tired.. fat.. and the constant pain.. Is making me depressed... And that I really need him to stop this trend of skipping gym..

Anyways.. I don't think making a new blog will help me stop being this way.. So I am back.. Sorry for being a mess even with this..

@ tempest.. ya.. I couldn't decide on that either.. So ya.. :)
@Miranda.. Should be up now . Sorry for the mess :(

<3

*sigh*

I'm back.. Nvm the other blog girls.. Sorry for being ALWAYS so messy and not able to decide.. I am back where I belong..

I will make a proper post later..

<3

PS: If I am not following you anymore and you want me to- leave me your blog link as a comment and I will follow..