Sorry for being such a mess lately. I seem to be sort of lost. Constant being tired- not having time for my self, everything happening right after each other.. Me constantly wanting to make changes and failing.. The insane stream of info. A war between what I want- what I can- and what I wish..
So I think at the end.. I sort of flipped..
I really want a change.. I want to change my patterns for the better. AT the same time, I feel like there is never time. Never time to be.. And just breath.. And I HATE failing.. I really hate it.. I can not deal with it.. I have never known how to. At the same time I keep wanting to do too many things at the same time- and either end up burned out or I just leave it midway cause I just don't care anymore..
I also tend to ALWAYS put everyones needs infront of mine. If someone needs something or wants something.. I just hand it.. Or if i can't then.. I go around with this constant nagging of guilt..
Talking about guilt. That is also something that is really killing me.. I ALWAYS feel guilty lately.. Every time I put something in my mouth.. Every time we have to skip the gym(yet again).. I feel guilty.. I really want to go vegan/veggie.. And my hubby does support the idea of it.- but it never gets put into action. And you know what.. I really don't have the energy to do something about it.. But then if I eat it.. Then I feel horrid.. I feel like my stomach turns over and I feel sick and guilty..
I think I need help.. I think I need to talk to someone and learn to deal with everything that has happened in my life.. I know what is wrong with me.. I just don't know what to do about it.. I think.. *sigh*..
I need to learn to not use food to cover my emotions. I need to learn that it was not my choice to be abused as a child. I need to learn that whatever my stepsisters are doing with their life, is their decision and that they have no right to blame me not living there for it. I need to learn that my mum is my mum.. That no matter what I do, or who I become.. That I will never be enough for her. That the only reason that she is proud of me now is cause of my husband. I need to just accept it and let it go. I have to learn that my friends back home only want to share things with me when it suits them. And they wont always bother to even include me.. I need to let it go... I need to stop using food to feel whole.. I have a husband who loves me to death.. I need to learn to love my self.. and not use food to feel "good"..
I read somewhere that food is the good girls drug.. And you know what.. I really can relate.. I couldn't stop my step dad in raping me.. So I used food to numb me feelings and to get fat.. To use it as protection..
I couldn't fit in with the kids at school when I moved to Norway, so I used food.. It would never hate me.. It gave me the warm feeling.. My mum wouldn't say she loves me.. Or even give me a hug.. So I used food .. The only thing I had in common with her.. Ah well.. I have a whole bunch of issues lol..
I talked to the hubby, about maybe wanting to get some help.. He said I could talk to him.. And I know I can.. But how much would that help? I mean .. I dunno.. But we talked about some changes that would be of help. So last night I gathered ALL my health and food books and tucked it away. I can not focus on them now.. We also agreed to actually do get up earlier so I can have time to fix my hair, and put some makeup on and to have time to make breakfast/lunch. We are also going to stop eating infront of tv. We only eat infront of tv.. I read somewhere that eating infront of the tv would learn you body to relate tv watching with food and that you would feel hungry eventhough you really aren't.. And we are going to plan our dinner once a week.. My mind is bursting with numbers.. Calories... Carbs.. Food.. I am SO SICK of always thinking about food.. So now I get to do it once a week..
My hubby sucks at cooking.. So I end up being the only one dealing with it always. So ya. I gotta limit it.. I also talked about how not being active is depressing me. That the combo of always being tired.. fat.. and the constant pain.. Is making me depressed... And that I really need him to stop this trend of skipping gym..
Anyways.. I don't think making a new blog will help me stop being this way.. So I am back.. Sorry for being a mess even with this..
@ tempest.. ya.. I couldn't decide on that either.. So ya.. :)
@Miranda.. Should be up now . Sorry for the mess :(