Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know about my issues with my mother, and you might also remember that every single time I talk to her I end up in pretty deep depression for some days..

My mother came to visit us last week.. She hadn't seen her grandson so she came for 4 days. She decided she wanted to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us.. I think all in all she spent a whole day with us and she had very little time with my son. Of course she made sure that I tok a picture of her and the kid to post on facebook because thats how she is.. She needs to prove to others that she is a good mother - in this case grandmother.. But I know - and my husband knows how much time she actually spent with us.. I know this sounds pretty bad - but atleast she bought some more cloths for the kid and well that is the best we get out of her.

I have learned that I shouldn't expect much from her - but she has been going on and on about how much she loves her grandson ( She never said she loves me, remember?? ) so I thought she would be different.. She nagged a whole lot about why the kid was "always sleeping".. I mean come on.. Wtf did you think?? The baby was 3 weeks old when she was here.. All they do the first couple of months is to eat, sleep, poo! - she was so disappointed that he wasn't awake playing with her..

Srsly mother?? How could you have 3 kids and don't know this?? But then again.. She never really was a mother to me.. So it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't know.. Or remembered..

And then.. The last day.. Before she was leaving she managed to say "You know, I know married your step dad because you kept calling him for daddy when I was just dating him".. Thank you fucking much mum.. First she tells me she wishes she got rid of me when I was being born, and how she regrets that she didn't cause then her life would be different..

Now she tells me that it is my fault that she married that basterd.. She knows that this is the guy who raped me as a kid.. She knows this is the guy I hate with every inch of my body and soul.. And she fucking blames this on me?? - I was fucking 3-4 years old.. I didn't know better, did I??? *sigh*

I just give up... I am going to keep up the act, and keep having this fake relationship where I smile and nod and talk to her on the phone from time to time and see her maybe what.. 2-3 times a year.. But I need to remember that she is no mother to me.. She doesn't understand.. She doesn't deserve me.. Or my baby.. Or my family... She just doesn't..

I have been trying to get over that comment ever since she went home.. But I struggle.. I have been having flash backs and bad dreams about my step dad ever since and last night I sort of just broke down.. I was feeding my son and my husband was sitting next to me.. And I looked down at my baby boy - seeing how he is depended on me, feeling the love I have for him - and I couldn't stop my tears.. I told my hubby "I think I need a shrink".. And you know what.. For the first time, I really think I need it.. Not that I think it will help.. But I dunno...

So here I am ... As always... But I will get over it as I always do... I have my own family now, and we are filled with love and joy.. I just need to hang on to this feeling.. Isn't he amazing?? This is from a week ago <3


  1. he is such a doll! Looks like a sweet little guy.
    Screw your mother. The sad thing is, we just can't pick our parents!! You don't have to include her in your life just because she is your mother. My advice? Forget her. Focus on your new family.

    He is lucky he has you as a mom... :)

  2. He's getting so big! My friend T had her baby on Sunday and he was so tiny! I can't wait to watch both boys grow.

    It's very brave of you to begin facing these things head on. Good luck Hon, and keep focusing on the wonderful in your life.

  3. He's adorable <3 You're so strong to still cope with your mother; I'd have said screw her a long time ago and tried to forget her. Your son is lucky you won't be like her :) xx

  4. that's really the best you can do with your mom. don't let her get to you. in fact try to put yourself in a place where you feel sorry for her. i think that might make you feel less the victim and help with not being angry about it. it's sad that she doesn't have any clue what a real mother is. i'm glad you realize that you don't need her and can kind of separate that. counseling could help. your baby is adorable. hope you both are doing well.

  5. I wish I was surprised by your mothers behaviour... but she's living up to form! I'm so sorry she's behaving like this at such a wonderful time in your life. I'm really glad you're thinking about talking to someone though- it could do wonders for you :)
    Aside from the unpleasantness your son is an adorable little bundle of wonderfulness. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with him :) xxx

  6. I'm sorry to hear how her visit reopened your wounds. My husband has had no contact with his mother since 2006 for many of the same reasons and I always wonder if no contact with her is more painful for him than faking a relationship and talking once in awhile. Stay strong and do what is right for you and your family.
    Btw he is so cute!

  7. He's so cute!
    And yes, I would advise just sticking with your fake realtionship for now.
    Your mom sounds like a pretty tough character to deal with. I think you're going about it responsibly, which I admire.

  8. Kitty, he's so beautiful!!!!

    I'm really sorry about your mum and that even having a grandchild hasn't really brought any changes in her behaviour towards you. I am glad you have your wonderful hubby who loves you so much, and your brand new baby boy. I hope seeing a shrink will help you, just remember you deserve so much better, and focus on the people in your life who deserve you.

    Love!!!! xoxo

  9. He is so cute. Awwww I can't wait to have a baby. But I am firm in wanting my house first.

    I am going backwards on reading your blog so I have not gotten around to reading about your mom. Wow. I am amazed that you even talk to her. Just reading this made me want to shut down. I can't imagine going through what you have and her saying the things she does.


    You are awesome. Yes you do now having a loving caring family of your own. Yay!