Will it ever end?

I'm so sick and tired of numbers ruling my life.. Before the pregnancy it was to get it lower - now (and you will probably hate me for this) I am worried that I'm not gaining enough. There is still couple of weeks left until the ultra sound and I am starting to wonder.. What if there is something wrong with the baby and that is why I am not gaining weight..

I mean.. I am actually a couple of lbs less than I was the last time I talked about the weight.. Is it normal? Should I be worried? - Where does the baby get the nutrient if I am not eating enough? ...
I really feel like I am though.. I am watching what I eat - and how much I eat - and sometimes it feels like I am eating something ALL the time.. So where the fuck does the weight go? - And I am so conflicted.. On one hand I am so happy that I'm not gaining weight.. On the other.. I am really worried..

Could it be that something is wrong? 

Maybe I should talk to that midwife/nurse/what her name is.. And sometimes - I think that I am probably just thinking too much about it.. and there is still around 5 months left of this pregnancy.. Maybe I should just wait and see how everything is at the ultrasound..

And as if I don't have enough to think about - I am so fucking sick of people commenting on my eating habits.. I have already flipped out once at work.. And I just can't take another "friendly" advice.. Where they keep telling me that I am not eating enough.. Cause I know that I am.. I just eat smaller portions to avoid getting sick - but I am freaking eating ALL the time.. I am eating 4-7 times a day counting the snacks and stuff.. How can it not be enough.. It could be one of the reasons why I am so worried about the weight gain.. I dunno.... *sigh*

Ok.. Lets change the subject.. This isn't good for me...

I have bought baby's first outfits :) They aren't in the newborn size but one month - cause I have a feeling that the kid will probably get a bunch of newborn gifts and since it will be growing fast that its better something that it can fit into after a few small weeks :) They are from Next and I just love them ^^

Cute.. Right? ^^ They have so many cute baby stuff and the prices are insane lol.. I do wonder how they decide the prices on this things.. I mean they are tiny.. I should probably take a trip to London and do my baby clothing shopping there, cause I am sure we can save a whole bunch there.

Over to something else.. Did I mention that I had my therapy session a couple of weeks ago? ... I don't think I have.. I did decide that I am not going back though.. I was supposed to have my second session yesterday and I called it off.. You are probably wondering why I did it.. And well.. It is because after I told her some about my past and such.. She said my food issues (aka the binging and purging) - was normal... She actually used the word normal.. How could she? I am sane enough right now to know that it is not normal.. And that it never was.. The other reason was that she kept wanting me to talk about the sexual abuse and really.. I didn't go there to dig up things that I have put behind me.. I wanted to be guided about how to handle the emotions that I am going through now.. And if all she could offer was to have me talk about my childhood - and telling me how my destructive behaviours were normal.. Well.. It wasn't something I wanted to spend time on..

You guys understand what I mean - don't you?

I have thought and talked about my past enough to understand how it is effecting me - and why I react to things the way I do.. I dunno... It didn't feel right.. It made me more depressed - and that is not what I need right now.. I did however had a talk with my uncle.. This uncle of mine lives in Dubai and he is a pastor.. He is one of my relatives who have always been in-touch with no matter what state my life has been at - and he is the one who walked me down the isle on my wedding.. He said something that really made me feel better.. I have heard some of it before - but never in the way he put it..

In his words, he said that I was very strong.. That I had gotten through everything without any help from any one - and that even though life could have been easier if I had taken some help from people I trusted - it is something I had to go through to get where I am now. And that what I should remember from my past is that  nothing is impossible.. That no matter how hard things get - I can raise above it.. But now..
Now I have my own family.. I have a husband who love the ground I walk on - and a baby on the way.. And my focus should be in finding happiness in the family I have now - and not focus on what I didn't have before..

Makes sense doesn't it? ..

Ah well.. I should end this wall of text..
I want to say sorry for being so much awol lately.. I read most of your blogs and try to comment when I have something to say.. Which isn't that often lately...



  1. Hey, sorry to have been so absent lately, I haven't forgotten about you, I promise;> I think you should try not to worry too much. I know it's hard not to, but worrying and stressing isn't good for you either. Ask the people who will have the answers; the midwives, the nurses and so on, and see what they have to say. I understand it must be hard and stressing to keep second guessing yourself, and then having other people (who, most of the time, myself included, have no idea what they're talking about:P)give you advice all the time. Trust your instincts, and check with the medical people just to be sure. I'm sure you're doing great and the baby is just fine:) I love the outfits, so adorable *_* Lindex and H&M has a lot of cute stuff that's not too pricey, I shop there for my cousins.

    Seems like the therapist doesn't really know too much about eds...maybe try another one? I love what your uncle said, and he's so, so right. Sounds like a wise man :> Hope you're well xx

  2. Dont stress. First if your doctor is not liking your weight trust me they will tell you. Second you really dont start putting on the weight till the end when the baby is growing like crazy to be able to live on its own. you are fine. This thoughts that you are having are also ok to have. every women does or at least should have them. it shows compassion for your child. it is your maternal instinct to protect at all cost kicking in. I love baby clothes. if it is a girl you will be broke forever lol..much cuter baby girl clothes an boy clothes it sucks that way. Cant wait to find out what it is take care hun you are going great!!

  3. Those clothes are so cute! I do think that some of the issues you have moving forward are impacted by your past and that is probably why she brings up your childhood. It makes no sense that she says those ED behaviors are normal. She might not be the therapist for you but I do think that the therapy could be beneficial. As for your weight-it could just be that you were not eating properly before and now that you are your weight is just normalizing. Even with the baby inside. Definitely mention it to your doctor to be on the safe side. Glad you at least have some positive relatives in your life.

  4. I'd try not to worry about the weight - apparently its only really in the last couple of months that you gain a load :) also, id assume if you are losing weight that that's because the nutrients you are eating are going to the baby and leaving you a little short, but if you are worried, definitely talk to a medical person to put your mind at rest and double check - there's no harm in asking! Try not to worry though, I'm sure your baby is absolutely fine :)
    I don't like the sound of your counsillor :/ but your uncle sounds lovely and he is so right - look ahead :)
    Lottie x

  5. Oh and the baby clothes are really cute :)

  6. hon, get healthy! for your baby.
    a friend had bulimia and as she was pregnant, she got healthy. she was sick for 7 years and her son probably saved her live!
    do it for your child. he/she needs you strongly and healthy and happy :D

  7. You don't have to worry too much about staying the same weight in your 1st trimester, that does happen and it doesn't mean anything wrong. The extra calories you are eating is being used to create your baby. Make sure you take in at least 3 servings of calcium because if you don't the baby actually steals it from your body. Your baby can be healthy even if you don't gain 60lbs, as long as you get enough nutrients to you know form a living being, you and the little will be fine. I hope you can relax and enjoy this experience, oh and when people talk about your eating habits I would say; thanks for your concern I am actually under the care of a doctor to safe guard my babys health. Throwing in "doctor care" shuts people up, especially if you look upset! People are so rude!

  8. good choice not going back to that therapist. she doesn't sound very smart if she thinks your ed is normal. i do believe that the past can do funny things to our minds but perhaps she didn't go about getting to it in the proper way that suited you best. great that you have a caring uncle to advise you. he sounds insightful and knowing your past you don't have to rehash it.

    eating more frequent meals is the way to you, great job. you know your body so do what makes your stomach feel better. keeping the food down that you do eat is very important and it sounds like that's working. it would probably be best to discuss your concerns right away with your midwife, why wait? i'm sure it will make you feel better once you do. being able to shed the stress and worry about it will do wonders *for both of you*.

  9. 1 - There are guidelines for weight gain, but every woman is different. Track what you eat and share it with your midwife (or nutritionist or whichever type of care provider) at your next visit. My inclination is that if you are eating nutritious foods and eating whenever you are hungry, you are probably doing just fine.

    2 - No one has the right to criticize your eating and good for you for telling them off! I will never understand why people think seeing a pregnant woman gives them the right to unsolicited criticism. Josie's brilliant about adding that you are being medically supervised and doing just fine, thank you very much.

    3 - WTF was wrong with that therapist. Your uncle definitely did a better job :) If you feel like pursuing therapy in the future you might make contact with the office and say "I am looking for someone to help me develop skills I need to deal with what is going on in my life right now. How would you go about doing this with me?" Different people have different approaches and there could still be someone out there for you.

    4 - BABY CLOTHES ARE SO AWESOME! And I saw the baby carrier you posted more recently. They look so neat, and they're supposed to be really good for more intimate contact with baby for bonding and getting to know his cues for what he needs. You're going to post pics of more clothes as you get them, riight?