I mean.. I am actually a couple of lbs less than I was the last time I talked about the weight.. Is it normal? Should I be worried? - Where does the baby get the nutrient if I am not eating enough? ...
I really feel like I am though.. I am watching what I eat - and how much I eat - and sometimes it feels like I am eating something ALL the time.. So where the fuck does the weight go? - And I am so conflicted.. On one hand I am so happy that I'm not gaining weight.. On the other.. I am really worried..
Could it be that something is wrong?
Maybe I should talk to that midwife/nurse/what her name is.. And sometimes - I think that I am probably just thinking too much about it.. and there is still around 5 months left of this pregnancy.. Maybe I should just wait and see how everything is at the ultrasound..
And as if I don't have enough to think about - I am so fucking sick of people commenting on my eating habits.. I have already flipped out once at work.. And I just can't take another "friendly" advice.. Where they keep telling me that I am not eating enough.. Cause I know that I am.. I just eat smaller portions to avoid getting sick - but I am freaking eating ALL the time.. I am eating 4-7 times a day counting the snacks and stuff.. How can it not be enough.. It could be one of the reasons why I am so worried about the weight gain.. I dunno.... *sigh*
Ok.. Lets change the subject.. This isn't good for me...
I have bought baby's first outfits :) They aren't in the newborn size but one month - cause I have a feeling that the kid will probably get a bunch of newborn gifts and since it will be growing fast that its better something that it can fit into after a few small weeks :) They are from Next and I just love them ^^
Cute.. Right? ^^ They have so many cute baby stuff and the prices are insane lol.. I do wonder how they decide the prices on this things.. I mean they are tiny.. I should probably take a trip to London and do my baby clothing shopping there, cause I am sure we can save a whole bunch there.
Over to something else.. Did I mention that I had my therapy session a couple of weeks ago? ... I don't think I have.. I did decide that I am not going back though.. I was supposed to have my second session yesterday and I called it off.. You are probably wondering why I did it.. And well.. It is because after I told her some about my past and such.. She said my food issues (aka the binging and purging) - was normal... She actually used the word normal.. How could she? I am sane enough right now to know that it is not normal.. And that it never was.. The other reason was that she kept wanting me to talk about the sexual abuse and really.. I didn't go there to dig up things that I have put behind me.. I wanted to be guided about how to handle the emotions that I am going through now.. And if all she could offer was to have me talk about my childhood - and telling me how my destructive behaviours were normal.. Well.. It wasn't something I wanted to spend time on..
You guys understand what I mean - don't you?
I have thought and talked about my past enough to understand how it is effecting me - and why I react to things the way I do.. I dunno... It didn't feel right.. It made me more depressed - and that is not what I need right now.. I did however had a talk with my uncle.. This uncle of mine lives in Dubai and he is a pastor.. He is one of my relatives who have always been in-touch with no matter what state my life has been at - and he is the one who walked me down the isle on my wedding.. He said something that really made me feel better.. I have heard some of it before - but never in the way he put it..
In his words, he said that I was very strong.. That I had gotten through everything without any help from any one - and that even though life could have been easier if I had taken some help from people I trusted - it is something I had to go through to get where I am now. And that what I should remember from my past is that nothing is impossible.. That no matter how hard things get - I can raise above it.. But now..
Now I have my own family.. I have a husband who love the ground I walk on - and a baby on the way.. And my focus should be in finding happiness in the family I have now - and not focus on what I didn't have before..
Makes sense doesn't it? ..
Ah well.. I should end this wall of text..
I want to say sorry for being so much awol lately.. I read most of your blogs and try to comment when I have something to say.. Which isn't that often lately...