It's not easy...

Being a mother is proving to be much harder than I thought it could be..
I have been been crying pretty much nonestop for the last two days.. I have been trying to cheer my self up - but it lasts for couple of hours before I'm crying again...

So apparently I do not produce enough milk to keep the kid full.. He has been sick, but even after he got better he has been screaming and crying sooo much.. He wanted to feed almost every hour and he never seemed full.. So yesterday we had his 2 months check-up and he weighs around couple of weeks under his age, this means he should weigh a pound more than what he does now..

I had thought about talking to the nurse about giving him some formula - but I never even got the chance to talk to her about it.. We are to give him formula now.. I have tried to breast feed him a little too, and I tried to pump abit today, but the amount of milk is way to little...

Who knew I would be crying over a lost pound. instead of a gained pound??

Anyways.. He doesn't like the bottle.. So feeding him is a huge argument.. He cries and screams for like 30 mins before he takes the bottle.. Which means I cry even more... I am feeling so bad and guilty ALL the time... I feel like a fail.. I feel like I am not what the kid needs...

I know I am being silly... I know this is something that happenes with a whole lot of people - and I know having fibromyalgia means I would probably would have this problem... But still I feel horrible...

I really need to see the good things in this..
I guess this means that he will not be hungry ..
He will sleep better..
I can eat or not eat what ever I want...
I can start working out not having to worry about the lactic acid...
Hubby can feed him on the nights where he doesn't have to go to work..
I can drink alcohol...
My boobs will hopefully shrink back (which means I'll lose atleast 2 pounds) and I can wear normal bras again..


I am so sorry about this messy post.. I just need to clear my head..

My husband has been wonderful though.. He stayed home today from work (I guess he didn't feel like going since I have pretty much been crying all night)... He has been up with the kid so I have gotten some sleep.. Not much.. But way more than before.. And he is with him now so I can have some alone time.. I am lucky to have his as my husband.. I don't think I could do any of this without his support..

My head is killing me.. I think I should eat something and drink more water.. Again.. sorry for the messy post..


  1. Hi Kitty-

    I have been through what you are going through, twice! I know how hard it is to deal with a baby and ED. It is so hard to have someone dependent upon you for food when feeding yourself is a huge challenge.
    Your milk is suffering because of 3 factors: stress, water intake, and calorie intake.
    If you want to continue breastfeeding, and I HIGHLY recomend that you do, I suggest you do two things.
    1. Go out and get yourself a bottle of Fenugreek. It an herb and it will help increase your supply.
    2. Put weight loss on the back-burner for the next several months until you are done breastfeeding. Enjoy your baby and focus only on maintaining your weight. Buy this book: Intuitive Eating by Ellen Trimble. Read it. It will help you maintain your weight without dieting. Focus on satisfying your bodies needs at the weight you are at now, and just relax. Accept your situation. Before you know it, he will be weaned and you can start focusing on your weight again, if you need to.

    Motherhood is full of challenges and needs, and it is important to give yourself a break during the first year while you adjust. I did that! And I actually did lose weight the first year without dieting!

    Also- there will be times when your body has to work harder to keep up with milk supply, while your baby goes through growth spurts. If you give formula you will only make this worse. You need to nurse on demand as often as he needs it. Pull up a chair, put on a movie marathon, and nurse. That is all you do for the first 3-4 months. He sleeps, eats, and poops. You nurse, sleep, eat, and do light housework. That is what you both need. Call it a nursing vacation.

    If you do decide it is all too much and you want to do formula, he will take the bottle fine after a few times. But once you start bottle feeding your milk will dry up rapidly. I don't think you should do thins unless you absolutely have to. Don't supplement with formula unless you are done breastfeeding, because it will cause your low milk problems to get even worse.

    Nurse, nurse, nurse. Eat regular meals and snack. Eat until you are full. Nurse, nurse nurse. Give yourself a break and do what is best for him.

    You deserve that and so does he. Everything will be okay.
    And buy that book!!!!!!!!!

  2. Hugs to you! I can understand why you feel like a failure. (And of course you're not.)
    Also, don't apologize for posting! It's your blog, so you get to post however you feel like posting. If that way is messy or a little disorganized, don't worry about it.

  3. Ohhh hun, it'll be fine. You're a mother now which means you'll have an extraordinary ability to get through even the hardest of times! You're not a failure, I would put money on the fact that all mothers - new or not - have difficult times and some babies have a more difficult temperament than others. I was a crier and my younger sister was a sleeper!

  4. I'm sure you are doing great and with your husband's support it will be okay. It's a really hard time when they are this young. My poor sis literally did it ALL by herself; her husband doesn't help. It'll get better!! Hang in there.

  5. Oh hun *hugs* I think Bella Bloom has it covered but I just want to you know I'm thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.
    Please don't apologise for anything on here- it's your safe space and we don't mind at all!
    Hang in there and give it your best shot, I know you can do this xxx

  6. im the opposite
    i try to be depressed for a long time but it only lasts for a bit and then im bubbly again
    Bella Boom had it pretty much covered like Claire said and i do not know much about children - i hate them. :( but i'm sure you're all he needs. psychologically, a man is never able to really live without his Mother. attachment theory and all. :)
    its okay, babe. don't apologise. i can almost hear your frustration. most of us can't stand five minutes in a room with a child (for good reason too!). i'm a writer. i can't be fucked with a wailing bastard all my life
    -Sam Lupin

  7. You are not a failure, you are adjusting. I know nothing about kids or motherhood, but I have heard of the not-enough-milk thing before. Do what you can and know you are trying to do the best by him and he'll love you no matter what. You are so strong - stronger than I think you give yourself credit for - and you will get through this. You are and will continue to be a great mum.

  8. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. If you want to keep breastfeeding, isn't there someone who will work with you on increasing production or working on breastfeeding technique (is his latch effective?)? I'm surprised the nurse jumped right onto a total switch to formula. It's perfectly normal for breastfed babies to feed more often and not grow as fast as those on artificial formula (not saying you don't need to do something if he's way seriously undersized, but the general fact remains the same).

    Don't get me wrong. I think breastfeeding is the nutritional ideal, but none of this makes you a failure or a bad mom or bad person in any way. You are a new mom figuring things out as you go. The way everyone does!

    Pumping can require some learning and practicing just like breastfeeding. If you want to keep going in any way, Bella is right, your supply will diminish quickly, so decide now. This site has some advice on getting maximum production with pumping (contains a demonstration video)

    Le Leche League International has breastfeeding support info

    If you want to keep trying to breastfeed, my first thoughts are to increase your food & water intake and to practice relaxation techniques. Being stressed can affect milk production & letdown. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with choosing to change over, and it doesn't mean you are a bad mom, I'd just hate to see you give up if this is something you want to keep doing.

    It will get better, I promise. If you change over to formula, he will feed less often and hubby can feed him, which means you will get more rest. If you pump and bottle feed breast/formula, hubby can still feed and he will still get the nutritional benefits of breastfeeding. If you keep breastfeeding, you get the nutritional benefits and the unique bonding experience. You will be ok regardless of which path you choose.


  9. Sweetie, if you are crying or holding back tears 1/3 of the time or more I strongly suggest talking to someone. You are going to want to look back at this time and feel you were able to fully enjoy it. It is amazing to me how many women can not breastfeed, not one woman in my family has been able to breastfeed, yet we all seem to think it will just flow out and be no problem. It sucks when it seems like our body is letting us down but please remember YOU are a WONDERFUL CARING mother, you noticed something wasn't right and you took action to ensure your child would thrive. That is what matters.