Officially a nutcase!

So I had my doctors appointments.. I have been put on anti-depressive pills.. I am supposed to start on the first dose as soon as possible, and then up the dose to the "second level" a week after. I don't remember the name, but I can mention it when I have picked them up.

The doctor said that it would help the depression within 3-8 weeks... It is also one of the pills that don't make you gain weight.. It is supposed to also help with the Fibromyalgia pain.. And it is supposedly OK to use while you are pregnant, or if you are trying to get pregnant (which freaks me out).... I am supposed to call them in 3 weeks, and then make another appointment to see if they are working or what to do..

I also had the session with the shrink.. Apparently I am such a nutcase that they had to register me in this rehab program.. Where we will have weekly therapy sessions, and it is supposed to go over 6 sessions to begin with and then we will have another evaluation. Fun fact.. We can not start the plan until almost mid March cause she didn't have any available hours.

For now... I dunno... I guess I will work 50% and take it from there..
I'm just too tired to function...





I filled in forms.. One asked for my weight... I left it blank.... Couldn't deal...... *sigh*

Update!

Things have been very hectic.. As I mentioned my son started kindergarten almost two weeks ago.. It's been going well. He likes it there and plays well with the other kids..  He has however developed a HUGE case of separation anxiety.. It's worst with me.. When we are together he doesn't want me to put him down, or go away from me.. It was so bad that he would start screaming as soon as I went through a door.. Any door..

We think he is smart enough to understand that going through doors means we are going away from the place he is at, but he is still so young (he turns 14 months next week) that he doesn't understand that we will be back shortly.. 

Since this weekend was my last weekend at home before I go back to work I kept him with me this Friday, and we have been on top of each other the whole weekend, and his anxiety seems to be much better. It breaks my heart to see my baby in in so much stress and so upset.. And I wish I could stayed home with him for few more months.. It's insane how fast time goes by.. Here is a picture of him from a few weeks ago.. He is getting big, isn't he? :) 

edit: remove picture

As you also might remember I have been talking about getting my drivings license.. I have my theory test this Tuesday, and the practical drivers test this Wednesday.. I am not worried about the practical test, but I am a tad worried about the theory part.. I am going to be studying when ever I can until then. So hopefully by end of this Wednesday I have my license! Keep them crossed for me ladies.. I know I need it lol ^^

As far as weight and diet goes, I haven't really been doing anything special.. I have lost around 4lbs.. I am going to get back on the LCHF diet after my practical test is done. I don't want to risk to have the "keto flu" while I have so much to think about. And my plan is (as I have probably mentioned before) to keep at it until end of March, and then take it from there. I am also hoping to be able to get to the gym in the evenings (after my son goes to bed) when I finally get my license. The weather here has been pretty insane, and with my fibromyalgi I can't really be out and about in this wind. So yeah, I really really hope to get my license this Wednesday.. 

And to top everything I am going back to work tomorrow.. I really am not looking forward to it.. I made this deal with my team leader, which lets me work 62.5% (aka 8am - 1pm, working through lunch). So now I can pick my son up a tad earlier from kindergarten. So my days will be get up around 6.. Out of the house around 7.. Work 8 to 1.. Pick up my son around 2... When we get home, it's snack  time, bath/play time.. Dinner time.. My hubby will get home sometime after 5pm and then it's bedtime for the kid.. lol I get tired just typing it... 

Anywho.. This is it for me for now... Hope you ladies are having a great weekend.. 

<3

Comments!

First I want to say thanks you for all your comments on my last post. Some made me more frustrated ^^ - some made me feel much better. All in all I am greatful that you ladies take the time to read my posts and that you tell me what your thoughts are about them.

I want to clear up something.. It is not that I do not want to breastfeed the kid.. God knows we have tried.. And the "feeding/movie marathon" is not an option for me due to my illness.. Fibromyalgia is a horrible illness - if you click on the link you can see what I am dealing with.. I am greatful to not have all the problems but I do have the pain - weakness - headaches - nerve pain - IB - along with the sleep issues.. Doing a socalled feeding marathon would mess up my body completly.. I get stiff muscles and I barely can pick up a cup of tea.. I do now as we speak struggle holding the kid up due to the nerve pain, but I deal with it cause I have to. I will however NOT make it worse for me by keep forcefeeding him to maybe have more milk to feed him with..

He started taking the breast perfectly pretty right away and his weight was going up the way it was supposed to and even a tad more the first 4 weeks - but the last 4 weeks has been a struggle.. He isn't losing weight, but he hasn't grown as he is supposed to. I eat the way I used to (I just watch and plan my meals better) and I do drink around 3L of water a day.. Often more..

Even I never thought of just going over to the bottle - and it was a hard thing for me to do - things has been so much better. He sleeps better, he is happy when he wakes up - he gurgles and plays and "talks" so much when he is up.. The baby is a happy baby and I think it is all thanks to the formula cause he isn't hungry anymore. I do still give him the breast - I give the right breast at one feed - the left next and then the bottle on the third feed. I do give him the bottle after he has gotten the breast if I see he isn't full but yeah.. This is working for us.. I am in waaaay less pain cause I'm not stressed and last night we slept for around 11 hours.. We were up to feed twice, but went back to bed and sleep right away..

I want to enjoy my baby and if this is the thing that gives us the chance to have a good time I am all for it :)

Btw Isabella Bloom, I can not read your blog anymore cause it says I am not an invited reader - toss me one if you want me to keep reading it :) Oh and I have read the book - and am on their blog and I have a few posts about it too!

It's not easy...

Being a mother is proving to be much harder than I thought it could be..
I have been been crying pretty much nonestop for the last two days.. I have been trying to cheer my self up - but it lasts for couple of hours before I'm crying again...

So apparently I do not produce enough milk to keep the kid full.. He has been sick, but even after he got better he has been screaming and crying sooo much.. He wanted to feed almost every hour and he never seemed full.. So yesterday we had his 2 months check-up and he weighs around couple of weeks under his age, this means he should weigh a pound more than what he does now..

I had thought about talking to the nurse about giving him some formula - but I never even got the chance to talk to her about it.. We are to give him formula now.. I have tried to breast feed him a little too, and I tried to pump abit today, but the amount of milk is way to little...

Who knew I would be crying over a lost pound. instead of a gained pound??

Anyways.. He doesn't like the bottle.. So feeding him is a huge argument.. He cries and screams for like 30 mins before he takes the bottle.. Which means I cry even more... I am feeling so bad and guilty ALL the time... I feel like a fail.. I feel like I am not what the kid needs...

I know I am being silly... I know this is something that happenes with a whole lot of people - and I know having fibromyalgia means I would probably would have this problem... But still I feel horrible...

I really need to see the good things in this..
I guess this means that he will not be hungry ..
He will sleep better..
I can eat or not eat what ever I want...
I can start working out not having to worry about the lactic acid...
Hubby can feed him on the nights where he doesn't have to go to work..
I can drink alcohol...
My boobs will hopefully shrink back (which means I'll lose atleast 2 pounds) and I can wear normal bras again..

*sigh*

I am so sorry about this messy post.. I just need to clear my head..

My husband has been wonderful though.. He stayed home today from work (I guess he didn't feel like going since I have pretty much been crying all night)... He has been up with the kid so I have gotten some sleep.. Not much.. But way more than before.. And he is with him now so I can have some alone time.. I am lucky to have his as my husband.. I don't think I could do any of this without his support..

My head is killing me.. I think I should eat something and drink more water.. Again.. sorry for the messy post..

Not feeling all too good today...

So my body decided to crash... Season change is hitting us and the fibromyalgia is acting up.. This morning I could barely move.. Being pregnant means that I can't take any of my pain killers that work for me..
And as if this morning wasn't bad enough - my body reacted to this new bread I had for breakfast.. It's supposed to be very healthy- high fiber, sourdough bread.. And I just had to run to the bathroom and everything came up.. This was so much worse than any purging experience of my life...
This was around 2 hours ago.. I just looked in the mirror and my face is covered by red dots... You know when you have been purging really badly and you get the red dots over your eyes??? My whole fucking face is covered with it...
I really hope my face looks better by the time hubby gets home - cause if it looks like this by the time he gets home, he will panic.. *sigh*

And today.. I got on the scale.. And I am gaining.. I know I know - I HAVE to.. It's normal.. I am 6 months pregnant .. I lost around 15 lbs since I got pregnant.. I have gained 3 lbs during the last 2,5 weeks. Again I know.. It is normal to gain.. But it really freaked me out.. But I wasn't ready for it.. You know..
I know I was worried before about not gaining and keep losing weight.. But.. Today.. It was just too much..

Anyways.. Hope you guys are feeling better than I am..


<3

Tired...

Work has been insane since last Friday. On the good side, the days go by too fast for me to even notice them, on the bad side, I am tttly burned out. My eats have been... Well I am not sure. I have been eating Ok pretty much every day.. But this whole stress shit is killing me.. Every inch of my body aches.. That's one of the "fun" sides of fibromyalgia... Stress is the killer..
I am also so freaking bloated.. I got worst when I had the pro bio yoghurt in the morning that last couple of days.. It could be that.. Or it could be the wheat intolerance most of the fibromyalgia patient develop... I am so sick of feeling this way that I am cutting all wheat and dairy prodcuts starting tomorrow.
As far as exercising, I haven't been doing any since Saturday.. I am just so dead when I get home - that I can't do much other than to crash. But my Jillian Michaels DVD's got delivered yesterday, and I noticed that the 30 day shred workouts are only 20 minutes. So I am planning on getting up 30 mins earlier and do the work out before work.
I have been very very very bad at tracking too...... But I have made the promiss to my self of getting back to it again. I will make the time and afford to track even if it means that I write it down on post-its and fill my MFP later in the day..
I am not going to get on the scale until Monday morning. I hope the bloat will be better by then.. Forgot to mention that I have been having insane pain in the stomach too - so now I'm on pills for that too.. But it feels like they are helping already so I guess that's good...

Ah well :) I am going to end up this wall of text.. I want to go to bed early today.. I am just too tired..

<3

Born to be ... Failoure?? Fat?? Flabby??

So yesterday I fucked up..
I did good until after work.. I sticked to my meals and had a good food day.. Then I met hubby- and he says "We only have an hour before we need to meet the designer- lets grab some burgers for dinner" *sigh*... And I am like.. "but I can not have it" and he said.. "Come on it's been a while, you wont die from it" ...

And girls.. I ate.. Not just a small veggie one as I had planned on having for dinner with broccoli.. But a huge fatty greasy one from Burger king.. And fuck the fucking shit.. According to my fitnesspal it has almost 1000 calories. I sat there munching in and kept thinking.. "I shouldn't do this"--"I shouldn't do this" ... *sigh*...

Anyways.. Today isn't getting any better.. We are going to have dinner with my hubby's co workers.. And I just had a look at the menu at the place where we are going to eat.. And look at this....  *sigh* what the fuck am I supposed to eat there?? I thought maybe I would have the caesar salad and ask them to have the dressing on the side and skip the bacon.. I dunno.. Please help girls.. I am going to ask what the vegetarian dish is.. And see if it is any better.. *Sigh*

Anyways.. I am keeping it pretty light during work today. I am having just some coffee/tea - maybe couple of 20 cal piece wasa crackers. I also have a K bliss bar - 90 calories with me..

I didn't exercise last night either.. Fucking fibromyalgi.. I was in such a bad shape.. I could barely move my arms... So I took a couple of pain killers and went straight to bed as soon as we got home.. ( We didn't get home before 9 PM ish).. I have cut the painkiller to a minimum use- and my body isn't used to them anymore.. So when I actually use them it really puts me down.. I am still numb from them- and I really couldn't open my eyes this morning. And it is doing wonders for my mood.. And as if that is not enough.. I am starving.. When I take them I can eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.. Add emotional binge eater on top of that.. And hola-- You got me..

Anyways... Don't have much to say today than being a downer- so I am off for now.

<3

A fix for my fibro pains?? A tad of flex.. And a whole lot of blab :)

Aiit.. So I haven't had the time to make a proper post in a while. Things at work have been INSANE since I got back from the honeymoon. Hopefully as I mentioned in my last post it all will be chill from the next week :)

@FedUp: You are right hehe.. It is sort of funny how the work was dead and suddenly there is barely time to breath :)

Now.. Lets start with the trip to Germany.

The weekend was good. I met my aunt and gran (from my dads side).. I don't meet them much and haven't really had a relationship with them since my mum remarried the asshole of a stepdad I had.. But that's a story for some other time. My gran has bought us a flat as our wedding gift. The flat is in Iran (Where I was born).. According to her the flat is worth around 20k USD.. And she is at the moment renting it out for around 2k USD per month. She asked me what I wanted to do with the flat and after hubby and I talked it over, we think we gonna have it rented out for 1-2 year and have them to save the money up for us- and then sell the flat and send us all the rent and the amount they sell it for. If everything goes after plan it will be a good bunch of cash I will get and with that I can cover my study loan and the left over house loan I have back in Norway.
I think it is really nice of her to think of me even though we barely have any contact.

My aunt she has her own practice where she does acupuncture and stuff like that- she also practices herbal medicine. She has given me this plan which can ease the pain I have with the fibromyalgia, it is said to be even able to cure the illness. I do not think that I will get rid of it- but I think it will help a whole lot.

The plan is in 4 steps.. First I am going to empty my gut.. (yes it is as yuck as it sounds lol)- I will take lax tonight - and from tomorrow I am going to start on this powder mix- I have to drink it every morning and night- and after I am going to take an spoon of organic aloe vera gel. I am going to do this for 14 days- then take a week off- and do it again for 14 days. I am going to use the lax once before each 14 day period. (So this will last for 5 weeks)

When that we have this plan to make my stomach acid normal- So i have to drink yet another yucky powder twice a day. And I am going to blend some drips I got from her in a glass of water and drink one glass before and one glass after lunch and dinner. 6 weeks later I will add another drip which I have to use for 3 more weeks. ( total of 9 weeks)

When this is all done I can start taking couple of pills in the morning and night to get rid of the shit that is causing the pain in my joints. I need to do this for at least 4 weeks.

So if everything goes after plan I should be almost pain free after 18 weeks. Starting tomorrow- it will be done by the end of this year. She said to get the for best result I should try to avoid dairy products - red meat- pork- and keep the intake of wheat and eggs low.

I have been playing with the idea of going flexitarian/vegetarian for a good while and I don't see any reason to post pond it any longer. I am sort of sick of everything meat related and after seeing a couple of episodes I have been even more sick with the idea of meat. I have bought some vegetarian and soya product which I will be replacing some of my food with already from tomorrow. Good for me... For my body and for nature. Hubby wont be partaking in most of it.. He is using the training as an excuse for not doing it.. But then again I am the one doing most of the cooking in this house.. So I guess he will eat what I serve him lol .. And it's not like we are going to cut out everything right away. He can still have some white meat if he wants to.

Oh and I sort of got my pre birthday- birthday gift from hubby today ^^ I don't know if you guys remember me mentioning that I really wanted to try Brazilian blow dry after I read this article on Nicole Richie's blog.. And it is supposed to last for 3 months... Imagine not having to stress with my hair every single morning.. mmm..  Anywho... I am in this deal of the day site and they had it as the deal of the day today- so I will be able to getting it for 1/3 of the price it normally costs... So I was telling him that I was considering to get it.. And he got it for me ^^ (Yes girls.. He spoils me way too often and I must admit I love it ^^).. I am really looking forward to try and see how it goes..

We are also finally going to get back on track with the training.. He really has to start working out and getting ready.. He has his first big competition in November. This means that we both can finally start working out properly. I think the first 3 weeks will be really hard but then it gets easier and easier. I am really looking forward to all of this.. Working hard and focus on everything until end of this year and start next year fresher.. healthier. Lighter.. and most of all balanced.

I have a weight loss goal for this year, I am counting it down as 18 weeks which is almost what is left of this year.. I which to reach my first main goal weight, which gets me off the morbidly obese BMI.. AKA 174 lbs.. To reach this goal I will have to have a steady weight loss of 3,5 lbs per week. Considering how fat I am and how much I have to lose, I do not think the number is too high.

Anyways gonna go spend some time with hubby.. Wishing you all a great weekend girls <3

A new day..

I want to start with saying thanks for the support and your kind words on the posts I made yesterday. I was having a really hard time dealing with it and it came as a shock. But I am OK today. I am out of energy and had a hard time getting up even after almost 10 hours of sleep, but this is "normal".. I always get the no energy, I am a walking zombie day after an emotional day like I had yesterday. But I slept and today I am dealing with it.
@ Ulla: I have emailed around to see if there is another doctor I can see that actually knows more about this illness and that will not say moronic stuff like get an aspirin. But she did call me yesterday and told me that she had discussed the matter with her "mentor" apparently she wasn't a "proper" doctor.. *sigh* .. They are going to send me the note so I can pick up the proper painkillers. So that's good but ya.. I hope those email result in something good cause I can't keep having days like this over and over heh.
But the whole situation has triggered something.. It is giving me the will to control the things I can control in my life. I am going to pick up gym. I have to get stronger. I need to work out, get in proper shape. I need to be very careful about what I put in my mouth and get in my body OR what I don't put in it..
Anyways starting a get back in track and get your shit together program. Getting back to the gym. I don't really care if I just go there and walk or whatever. I am going to get going every week day. Weekend opening hours at our gym are sucky- so it will be something at home.
Anyways- the new plan is to keep to modifast and only modifast for until 27th of July. No alternations. Hit the gym every week day. Get off my ass and do something in the weekends. I have to remember to take my supplements.. I keep forgetting them.. But I have to remember them. Also listen to the "you can be thing" audio track every night to keep "programming" my brain.
On another note I am making a change in my reward plan. I had put up an GHD flat iron as my first reward but my BF got it for me on Saturday. He knows I have been wanting one for ages- and it was on sale. So I am removing it from my reward list. I am not replacing it with anything else. I don't really see a reason why.
I also bought a couple pairs of shoes. It was on a get two pay for 1 sale. And I loved them so I got one in pale pink and one in black. I know, maybe wrong to get two of the same in different colours but they are soo comfy and I wasn't going to use my "free" shoe to get something really cheap..

I am going to use the pink one at the wedding. It wont really show but I wanted something comfy and still pretty to wear. And the black one is a more everyday kind of shoe. Now I just need a wardrobe to match my shoe collection lol..
Another change I want to make is to get up earlier.. I want to get up earlier and get my face on properly. Lately I haven't been wearing any makeup and my hair is giving me hell... So I guess 30 mins earlier in the mornings should fix that.
I am going to put up the modifast values in "my fitness pal" and start keeping track of everything. I also am going to start keeping track of how much I drink. I might even make a page and post it on weekly bases.

Anywho.. I am gonna finish this post with a clip I saw on facebook yesterday. Gotta love Nicole Richie hehe

Wishing you all a good day <3

Edit: OMG! Have a look at this clip.. Wow..

Regret...

I have done a whole lot of shit in my life.. But there isn't much I regret. There are a lot of stuff I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now.. But that is how life is.. Isn't it..
But now I have reached a level where I regret that I moved here. I regret that  didn't ask him to move. I regret that I choose what is best and easiest for him instead of what I need.

I miss my friends.. I miss the big city life of Oslo. I need my doctor.. It took me years to find a doctor who understood me.. Who was able to listen and actually help me get on with my life. I need him.. How could I ever risk moving somewhere and not have a proper doctor around..

I am out of my medications that I take for my Fibromyalgia. There aren't many.. But I take a few.. And I need them to be able to live a life where it isn't a constant hell.. So I tried to go to a doctor.. First of all it took them fucking 2 weeks to give me an appointment. But I thought.. You can deal with it.. So I waited..

I had the appointment today.. I told her everything.. About how long I have had the illness- what I have tried.. Medications I have tired.. EVERYTHING.. and the fucking moron told me to go and get some aspirin.. WTF!!! Omg.. what the fuck is wrong with some people.. IF I could take a normal aspirin I wouldn't fucking take off work and go to her would I?? I am so frustrated.. Tired.. Pissed..

My head is already fucked up trying to not binge and purge.. AND try to keep cool and not think about the constant pain in my arm.. neck.. fingers and so on.. I can not deal with this shit too.. I just can't...

I really can't.. I keep telling my self that I should just deal with it for my BF and just keep going on.. But I can't.. I just can't..

The plan..

I haven't been on blogger all that much the last few days. The "crash" they had was kind of annoying. And I couldn't login for couple days. When I was able to get on it, my last post was gone.. Along with all the edits I had made heh.. The post is back. But changes are gone I guess.. I'll have to redo it I think.. Will see..

Anyhow.. The last couple of days has been pretty harsh.. The weather changes effect my Fibromyalgia really bad, so I have been in a whole new level of pain.. lol.. That combo with "the week".. It's been a bless..And honestly, I haven't bothered caring about what I eat and don't eat.. I haven't been able to care about anything really.. But now. It is a new week, and I am back at work.. The pain is better.. Probably cause of the huge dose of painkillers I had last night heh. I am refusing to get on the scale, cause I always gain a unreasonable amount of weight during my period. It gets back to normal like a day after it's over.. So I am going to wait until then. I should be safe on Thursday.

In my last post I said I was going to do the WL the healthy way. So basicly what I am going to do is to keep my intake to a maximum of 1200 calories per day (I am not sure if the weekly thing works for me.. I am afraid I'd binge on the "high cal" days).. And I am gonna pick up my training. I am still aiming to get 5 days a week at the gym where I do more cardio. Get up my HIIT and do longer steady cardio. And get in the two day split of strength training. Main focus will however be the cardio training to shed the fat off.. I always have bad days with my body.. Where the pain is pretty high.. On those days.. I am thinking about just taking it easy. Do a yoga class if I can, or just get on the treadmill and walk for an hour.. It is good for me to move abit even on those really bad days. I am planning to get on the scale once a week. And I am planning to do that every Friday morning. I like the idea of having it done before the weekend.

I am also going to find my measuring tape and take write done how big things are.. Keep hearing about how the scale can be wrong, so I guess that is a good thing to have around.

The other things I will be changing is the way I look at food. I will only eat when I am hungry, and not when I "HAVE TO".. I will stop eating as soon as I start feeling full. I am also aiming to eat more "whole" food, more veggies and fruits. And cut down the meat. Have more whole grains and such. I don't really drink any sugary sodas, and I don't really have that much of candy and such.. I normally crave it around my period but that is "normal" I guess. My main problem is going to be portion control, and that is something I am going to try to control with a "one portion only" rule.

Feel free to let me know what do you think and if there is anything else I should be doing/ not doing.


Edit: Has anyone seen this clip? I just ordered the book- it should arrive within a week. I got the paperback along with the CD. I will make sure to let you know how it works...

Can this be the answer to my problem???

Back to the start..

Todays WI was much better than the one couple days ago. I am back where I was before my bff came to visit. And that is good news. Cause I felt ttly yuck.. More yuck than usual.. I have been reading the book Hungry after I read about it on Harlows blog and I must admit, I am really enjoying this book. I am alomost halfway and I really have a hard time putting the book away everytime I HAVE to put it away. I was very down, and in a bad place when I read wasted by Maria hornbacher. It made it "easier" to purge.. I dont know if it makes sense.. And I really hate that feeling.. Anyways hungry is a good book.. If you like to read, I recommend it..

Not feeling all too great today.. I have a bad headache.. I think I havent been drinking enough water or something. I also forgot to take my CLA pills with me. I guess I will have to take them when I get home. One of many downsides of having Fibromyalgia is that I need an "in" day per week.. Else my body shuts down.. I dont know why.. It just has been like this for ages.. I didn't get that last week, and I really feel like my body is.. Like.. Really difficult to work with.. It's like I have no energy and I am even more short tempered that I normally am. I am also insanly sensitiv when it comes to light and smells.. And when I feel like I do today. It all becomes too much to deal with.. 

I am considering to just go home from work.. I don't seem to be able to keep going. But I am still pretty new at this job. And I did have Monday off cause my BFF was here.. So I dunno.. 

Edit: