I am considering to take my pills again.. 

I wont be able to see my doctor again until second week of March and I am thinking about taking them until then.. 

Why?? 

To get a tad more stable mood and lose weight... 

What do you think?? 

Maria Mena kind of day....

The art of forgiveness

Habits

Cause and effect

Internal dialogue

Personal challenge!

I need to do something..
I need to get back on track.. And I need to make some changes.

My gym membership goes out in 6 weeks.. I have barely used this very very expensive membership cause I was just too ashamed to go there.. If I manage to get my self to get there 3 times a week during the next 6 weeks I am going to reward my self with something great.

Things I am considering as a reward:
- New membership at a less expensive gym
- A laser hair-removal treatment
- New sunglasses

I have also been thinking that I should try to make time for the whole family to eat together. My son is getting older and I would like for him to experience how it is to have family dinners. The last few months, we have eating in shifts.. My son eats - then I eat while my hubby is putting him to bed, and then my husband eats. Even my husband and I rarely eat at the same time anymore - and 99,9% of our meals is in front of the TV and it really isn't something I want to teach my son. Anyhow.. My idea is for us to try to eat dinner together, and I also want to start making dinners that all of us can eat, so I don't have to cook different dinners, for us and for my son. Anyways, either this week, or next I am going to try to make it happen. I also am going to try to follow recipes and make some new meals. You know how it is to see a picture of the most perfect meal on tumblr - browsing some page or something like that??! Well I am a good cook, I want to try to make those meals.

And last and not least, I want to have date nights. I feel like my husband and I kind of have lost our "lover" part of the relationship. We went out for dinner on valentines, and it was the first time ever since we became parents. So once a month, we are going to get a baby sitter and go out. Just the two of us.

So yeah... These are my personal challenges.. You got any??

Therapy, pills and all that jazz!

I started the pills... I hopped off the pills.. I know they say the first weeks you take the meds it's worst, but I had so many side effects I couldn't function.. (I have been a day off and it stills is in my body :S)

My head.. It feels like an elephant has been sitting on my heat.. And like some one is pushing on my brain from the sides :S... I felt weak and tired... I felt really really sick ALL the time.. I wasn't sick when I was pregnant even. Dry mouth.. Always thirsty.. Oh and I had issues peeing.... The list is long!

Anyways.. I maybe shouldn't have done it. But I just couldn't deal with it anymore..

I also had my first therapy session.. She had someone canceling so she called me and asked if I could come in.. I did and we starting talking about how I handle things.. And as you know I handle everything with food.. So she started talking about the anxiety levels and how to handle them with something else but eating..

You want to hear her wonderful amazing advice.. She said...

Just wait it out.... 

lol... I know!! I was waiting for her to give me all this wonderful tools about how handling my emotions and how to stop the emotional eating ect.. and all she says is "just wait it out" lol. After some talks I came with this idea maybe trying to wait an hour and then do something.. And she thought it was a great idea, but I must say I kind of find it weird that she didn't have any tools for me..

Does your therapist give you "tools" and guidelines of how to deal??

Pills!

I have decided I am going to take the pills..
I'm gonna start them tomorrow morning (the doc said it's best to take them in the morning to avoid insomnia)

I figured that we aren't going to try for the baby before end of March/April, and it it still a while to go till then. And I mean, I should give it a try else I will regret it, right?

Is it also kind of sick that I am actually hoping that I will lose some weight on this pill since it is the first common side affect?

So the meds they want me to take are called: Venlafaxin Actavis..

I am actually considering not taking them and see where the therapy with the shrink leads first.. I am too worried about what happens if I'm on it and get pregnant.. Specially since we are planning to try for another baby starting end of next month...

I mean it's not sure that it will even work... Is it worth the risk? *sigh*

What do you guys think?

I should also mention there are NO studies at all on pregnant woman... Only animal tests... They assume it is ok to take during pregnancy..

Officially a nutcase!

So I had my doctors appointments.. I have been put on anti-depressive pills.. I am supposed to start on the first dose as soon as possible, and then up the dose to the "second level" a week after. I don't remember the name, but I can mention it when I have picked them up.

The doctor said that it would help the depression within 3-8 weeks... It is also one of the pills that don't make you gain weight.. It is supposed to also help with the Fibromyalgia pain.. And it is supposedly OK to use while you are pregnant, or if you are trying to get pregnant (which freaks me out).... I am supposed to call them in 3 weeks, and then make another appointment to see if they are working or what to do..

I also had the session with the shrink.. Apparently I am such a nutcase that they had to register me in this rehab program.. Where we will have weekly therapy sessions, and it is supposed to go over 6 sessions to begin with and then we will have another evaluation. Fun fact.. We can not start the plan until almost mid March cause she didn't have any available hours.

For now... I dunno... I guess I will work 50% and take it from there..
I'm just too tired to function...





I filled in forms.. One asked for my weight... I left it blank.... Couldn't deal...... *sigh*

Mess!

I'm sorry ahead cause this post will be sort of messy..
Just like my head..

So my plan was to work 60% and have mommy leave 40% of the time, so my son doesn't have to stay in daycare for too long.. But I have been so sick lately.. You know so much pain.. And my head is just.. A mess.... The weather is not exactly helping, so I have decided to go to the doctor and have him give me sick leave so my husband could use daddy hours and pick up our son ect..

There is this system here where you gotta apply to get paid when you are on sick leave, and today I found out that I can not work 60% and be sick 40%.. I either have to work 75% or 50%...
And I know, a whole lot of people think that it is great.. Work less.. But this really feels like a kick in the head for me..

I am just not in a place physically or mentally to work 75%... But having to reduce my work to 50% feels like I am disabled... Does it make sense?.. I had missed my co-workers (most of them) and I have missed my team leader, and we are finally connecting again.. And poof, I have to reduce my work hours?? It is so fucked up that  you are forced to work less when you feel like you are in a place where your hours are just enough.

And my mood is just so horrible.. I am sleeping so horridly.. I keep having these fucking nightmares, where my mother is my sons mother.. And I keep trying to save him from her.. How fucked up isn't it??
And my mother.. My fucking mother.. Fuck her.. I am just so sick and tired of her... So sick and tired of trying to act like nothing matters... Fuck her.. Fuck all of them..

If there is one thing life has thought me is that the people who keep tossing in your face that they are your family are just shit.. People who stick up for you and are there for you, are your real family.. With or without blood relations...

...
I'm just so tired... I just want to mental war to stop.. I'm turning 32 this year.. Things have been fucked up for over 20 year.. When is it my fucking turn to get a break??

No more fucked up dreams... No more constant pain.. I'm just... I just can't deal with it anymore...

I guess we should hope that the shrink I'm gonna see is a great one, cause she sure has her work made out for her...