It's mothers day in Sweden... It's my second year as a mother... Trying to live in the moment..
Thank you ladies for always being there for me..
<3
Showing posts with label Moodswing tunes... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moodswing tunes... Show all posts
2014/05/25
2014/02/24
2013/09/08
2013/01/14
Weigh in!
At first when I got on the scale this morning I was ttly :S since my weight was the same as yesterday.. But then I checked my weight app on the phone and I have actually lost couple of pounds since my official first weigh-in last Sunday.
So I wont be upset, my new mantra is that every single pound counts... I still haven't had the chance to take my measurements but I am going to do that right after this post since the little guy is finally asleep.
Random fact.. He used to sleep to Madonna - but ever since his daddy puts him to sleep at nights, he only goes to sleep to this song... I guess my little boy has the same moody sense of music as I do ^^
So.. I guess I have to say happy Monday (even though we all know I hate Mondays!) - and keep them crossed for the new eating plan I have made..
Edit!!!
So I looked at the time and realized I hadn't been stepping on the scale at the same time I had last week - so I went on it again and my actual weight now is much lower than I thought!!! So the official loss of this week is 3 pounds and not two :) Yaay!
So I wont be upset, my new mantra is that every single pound counts... I still haven't had the chance to take my measurements but I am going to do that right after this post since the little guy is finally asleep.
Random fact.. He used to sleep to Madonna - but ever since his daddy puts him to sleep at nights, he only goes to sleep to this song... I guess my little boy has the same moody sense of music as I do ^^
So.. I guess I have to say happy Monday (even though we all know I hate Mondays!) - and keep them crossed for the new eating plan I have made..
Edit!!!
So I looked at the time and realized I hadn't been stepping on the scale at the same time I had last week - so I went on it again and my actual weight now is much lower than I thought!!! So the official loss of this week is 3 pounds and not two :) Yaay!
2012/02/17
Of kindness..
Tiny post to thank you all for being so amazing - and for being there. I will think about and consider what you all said very carefully. Thank you again for being who you ladies are <3
Have a great weekend girls <3
Loving this song today - thought I'd share if with you :)
Have a great weekend girls <3
Loving this song today - thought I'd share if with you :)
2012/01/13
*insert smart title here*
I think I have been doing very good this week. I have been making my meals for work the night before - I have been sticking to my exercise plan and worked out 3 day. My net calories are very well under my weekly budget. I have however not lost a single tiny little pound the last couple of days. That made me kind of :S this morning, but then I put on my new jeans and they are getting loose on me.. They were very very tight last week - so this is good.
My first thought when I stepped on the scale was "I am eating too much" - but then I took a step back.. Thought of all the times you girls have talked about the scale standing still - and how you keep going - and now I am fine. I have to understand that even though I am making very good changes in my eating/exercise habits - it will not all change within the week. So my goal is to have a bingefree weekend, where I keep tracking my eats and to get in another exercise session.
I have to keep remembering that I have done years of harm to my body- and it is my fault that it has reached this weight - and that I can not fix it overnight. That if my goal is to really get slim - and healthy, I can not just jump on a yet another fad diet - fail - binge - and gain more weight.
On another note - I am going to start studying again. When my ex - dumped my ass after I had quite my job and so on - I found that the only thing I could do was to start studying. Mind you, it was online studies since everything else was full - and a private business.. Very very very very expensive. I took a student loan to get by. But I never finished it up. I didn't have the state of mind - I was really behind and couldn't catch up. I e-mailed the school to ask if there was any chance for me to be able to pick up the classes I had paid for and to be able to take exams. And to my biggest surprise, I got an e-mail saying that I had 3 semesters left to complete to classes!
I have 3 classes I can take during the spring semester - and 5 for the fall semester. I have completed the class for one of the fall semesters and I only need to take the exams for it. So my plan is to reread the books for that class and pick up one of the spring classes now. Complete the rest of the fall classes next fall - and the last two classes next spring. The 4 I have to take this fall will be really hard - and I will be a full time student, while I am working full time for 5-6 months. But I think it will be worth it.
I still have to pay to be able to take the exams, and that will cost a bit - but all in all completing this means I haven't been wasting around 20k USD (that's around what I have in student loan for that year :S) - on something I never finished. I need to be really strict with my self, and focus to be able to achieve this. Specially the fall semester, so wish me luck :) Cause I am very sure it's needed...
Work has been very very very still today - which has been perfect for me. I have been looking over the school things, mailing with the school - looking at the classes and so on all day. I ordered a book I needed for one of the classes I will be taking this semester and now I am on my lunch break. I have barely done anything at work today - and to be honest, I don't care at all..
Anywho :)
Official weigh-in will be on Wednesday - so I am not going to worry about the scale not moving for now - and be patient and focus on doing good this weekend - and as I wrote this, I got an e-mail saying there will be cake in the kitchen soon lol - you gotta love the way the office culture is always trying to fatten you up! I am not going to have any.
That said! I am going to finish this wall of text - and wish you all an amazing weekend!
Oh and thanks for all the comments about the running, we have a storm warning here - but that should be over soon - and as soon as it has cleared I am going to start the C25K outside :) Thanks for the push hehe :)
<3
Edit: I am loving this song lately... So I thought I would share it with you ladies :)
My first thought when I stepped on the scale was "I am eating too much" - but then I took a step back.. Thought of all the times you girls have talked about the scale standing still - and how you keep going - and now I am fine. I have to understand that even though I am making very good changes in my eating/exercise habits - it will not all change within the week. So my goal is to have a bingefree weekend, where I keep tracking my eats and to get in another exercise session.
I have to keep remembering that I have done years of harm to my body- and it is my fault that it has reached this weight - and that I can not fix it overnight. That if my goal is to really get slim - and healthy, I can not just jump on a yet another fad diet - fail - binge - and gain more weight.
On another note - I am going to start studying again. When my ex - dumped my ass after I had quite my job and so on - I found that the only thing I could do was to start studying. Mind you, it was online studies since everything else was full - and a private business.. Very very very very expensive. I took a student loan to get by. But I never finished it up. I didn't have the state of mind - I was really behind and couldn't catch up. I e-mailed the school to ask if there was any chance for me to be able to pick up the classes I had paid for and to be able to take exams. And to my biggest surprise, I got an e-mail saying that I had 3 semesters left to complete to classes!
I have 3 classes I can take during the spring semester - and 5 for the fall semester. I have completed the class for one of the fall semesters and I only need to take the exams for it. So my plan is to reread the books for that class and pick up one of the spring classes now. Complete the rest of the fall classes next fall - and the last two classes next spring. The 4 I have to take this fall will be really hard - and I will be a full time student, while I am working full time for 5-6 months. But I think it will be worth it.
I still have to pay to be able to take the exams, and that will cost a bit - but all in all completing this means I haven't been wasting around 20k USD (that's around what I have in student loan for that year :S) - on something I never finished. I need to be really strict with my self, and focus to be able to achieve this. Specially the fall semester, so wish me luck :) Cause I am very sure it's needed...
Work has been very very very still today - which has been perfect for me. I have been looking over the school things, mailing with the school - looking at the classes and so on all day. I ordered a book I needed for one of the classes I will be taking this semester and now I am on my lunch break. I have barely done anything at work today - and to be honest, I don't care at all..
Anywho :)
Official weigh-in will be on Wednesday - so I am not going to worry about the scale not moving for now - and be patient and focus on doing good this weekend - and as I wrote this, I got an e-mail saying there will be cake in the kitchen soon lol - you gotta love the way the office culture is always trying to fatten you up! I am not going to have any.
That said! I am going to finish this wall of text - and wish you all an amazing weekend!
Oh and thanks for all the comments about the running, we have a storm warning here - but that should be over soon - and as soon as it has cleared I am going to start the C25K outside :) Thanks for the push hehe :)
<3
Edit: I am loving this song lately... So I thought I would share it with you ladies :)
2011/12/05
A tad of thoughts..
Today has been a very very emotional day.. I started work couple of hours late cause of a meeting we had at our bank.. And when I had cleared the things I had to do at work, I went over the my blogger dashboard.. And your posts has made me really emo hehe.. All from Sam's wonderful, sad words.. To Tempest's and thinpls's frustrations, Kes's struggles.. To Miranda's post.. All of you.. I always take your words to heart - but I guess some days they leave major foot prints.. And today is one of them..
Often I can understand your side of story.. Often I can see your struggles and imagine your pain.. Some times.. It feels like I could be the one writing what you guys are writing.. Sometimes I wish I knew you guys in my "real" life.. My life is so much easier with you guys in it, and sometimes it feels like I know you.. Does it sound weird??
Anyways.. Your words has made me think of my life.. My everyday.. My struggles.. My fail attempts.. God knows I have had many of them.. lol.. You guys know I have had many of them..
I have been very lonely since I moved to Sweden, and a whole lot of times - you ladies have been the ones who have gotten me through things.. And I just want to thank you girls for all your comments.. For your words.. For making time to read my rants.. For being there.. For believing in me..
I seem to have some thinking to do again.. I feel like my "eating plan" is working fine for now.. So that is not it.. But all other concepts of my life are in question at the moment. So bare with me and my coming rants.. But for now.. I just wanted to say Thank you :)
I have been listening to Maria Mena's new album today. And I am going to leave you with one of her songs..
<3
2011/11/01
Day 2!
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
I want to feel good in my cloths.. Be able to shop where I want and wear what I want. I want to spend my money on fashion items instead of overpriced cloths in bigger sizes. And I think losing the weight will help my fibro pain pangs..
So ya.. Yesterday after work while we were running around taking care of errands, I got a call.. The call came from the union our new flat is a part of.. And the guy was like "How is going with the accident you had in the bathroom today- we have had to close down the water for the radiators and we wonder if we can turn it on again" .. And I was like "wwoooooootttttt are you talking about" ..
So apparently the guy that was taking out the floors in the bathroom had hit a pipe.. The pipe leading to the whole buildings radiator system.. So they had to shut down the water to it - and then have the plumber come and patch it right away.. BUT apparently there had been water all over the bathroom for around an hour..
Lucky: it was in the bathroom and they could drain it.. Unlucky: it happened AFTER they had removed the floors the the people living in the floor under us might have a leak...
So today we have been up since like 6... And been over at the other place since 7.. Talked to the plumber and the contractor... And so on.. And we met the guy that is going to do the painting of the walls and floors for us.
Work started at 8 and I am soo soo tired .. hehe
Buuuutt! not to worry.. I has coffee!! I has tea.. And I shall survive.. hehehe
I am already half way with the intuitive eating book. And it makes so much sense. I am going to finish it up and do my research on it and most likely give it a shot from the new year.
I don't want to start yet another project at the moment with everything that is going on.. So ya.. I think it is smart to wait..
@ Miranda & Tempest: Thanks ^^ Can't wait for the renovation to be over.. It is such a mess there now hehe .. But I think it will turn out amazing by the time we are done with everything!
Going to end this post with couple of songs that I have been listening to over and over today.. Enjoy :)
I want to feel good in my cloths.. Be able to shop where I want and wear what I want. I want to spend my money on fashion items instead of overpriced cloths in bigger sizes. And I think losing the weight will help my fibro pain pangs..
So ya.. Yesterday after work while we were running around taking care of errands, I got a call.. The call came from the union our new flat is a part of.. And the guy was like "How is going with the accident you had in the bathroom today- we have had to close down the water for the radiators and we wonder if we can turn it on again" .. And I was like "wwoooooootttttt are you talking about" ..
So apparently the guy that was taking out the floors in the bathroom had hit a pipe.. The pipe leading to the whole buildings radiator system.. So they had to shut down the water to it - and then have the plumber come and patch it right away.. BUT apparently there had been water all over the bathroom for around an hour..
Lucky: it was in the bathroom and they could drain it.. Unlucky: it happened AFTER they had removed the floors the the people living in the floor under us might have a leak...
So today we have been up since like 6... And been over at the other place since 7.. Talked to the plumber and the contractor... And so on.. And we met the guy that is going to do the painting of the walls and floors for us.
Work started at 8 and I am soo soo tired .. hehe
Buuuutt! not to worry.. I has coffee!! I has tea.. And I shall survive.. hehehe
I am already half way with the intuitive eating book. And it makes so much sense. I am going to finish it up and do my research on it and most likely give it a shot from the new year.
I don't want to start yet another project at the moment with everything that is going on.. So ya.. I think it is smart to wait..
@ Miranda & Tempest: Thanks ^^ Can't wait for the renovation to be over.. It is such a mess there now hehe .. But I think it will turn out amazing by the time we are done with everything!
Going to end this post with couple of songs that I have been listening to over and over today.. Enjoy :)
2011/09/09
Taking it easy..
Today I am taking everything easy... I am very very tired- it is sunny outside but the wind is really strong.. I bought me a new pair of jeans and a thick cardigan yesterday- so today I am all cuddled up in warm cloths.. I am even wearing a scarf.. Which is really good cause I have been freezing a whole lot lately.
My body and mind in general are worn out- hubby is even worse.. So we are really looking forward to this weekend. We are planning to do nothing ^^ Just take it easy and relax.. We might go and have a look at a few places on Sunday, but that is about all we are planning to do.. Oh and we gotta do the laundry tomorrow. We barely have any clean cloths left hehe.. Oh and I have an appointment to get my legs waxed tomorrow.. Well I guess doing nothing for us means a whole bunch of stuff lol but we will take it easy :)
It must be the most chill I have had at work in weeks.. I have my headset on listening to Norah Jones.. Right now it's this one :
I am answering some email, had a couple of calls and drinking my tea.. Sitting far back in my chair and I am loving it. I hope it stays like this all day.
Over to food- I have no idea how much I have been eating the last few days. I haven't really eaten that much- but I haven't been tracking anything either. Have been so tired and out of focus.. But talking about food.. Hubby is going to go veggie/vegan with me. Yay for that.. Things will be so much easier.
But I am back on writing down everything again. I had to delete some apps from my phone cause I kept getting "you are low on space" error all the time.. I don't get why :S But since I couldn't move my calorie counter over to my SD card- I had to remove it too.. Now I only have it on the PC only. I think I might go for an iphone for my next phone.. I have been loving HTC for so long- but these app stuff are getting annoying.. And the new iphone should be out in a month ish so I might just go for it.. Will see..
I haven't been on the scale in a few days either.. The lack of sleep and the stress has made me really bloated even though I have been good for the intake. And we have had the scale packed away since we were going to have the shoot- but I will get on it tomorrow and see how much damage I have to deal with heh..
I am going to read up on more blogs- I am planning to start reading up on some of my favo blog all the way from when they were started.. I mean I do have the time today hehehe .. So why not ^^
<3
Edit: I might play around with the layout and such as well.. I think I want to redo the whole blog.. Make it more positive and not so "hidden" ..Will see..
My body and mind in general are worn out- hubby is even worse.. So we are really looking forward to this weekend. We are planning to do nothing ^^ Just take it easy and relax.. We might go and have a look at a few places on Sunday, but that is about all we are planning to do.. Oh and we gotta do the laundry tomorrow. We barely have any clean cloths left hehe.. Oh and I have an appointment to get my legs waxed tomorrow.. Well I guess doing nothing for us means a whole bunch of stuff lol but we will take it easy :)
It must be the most chill I have had at work in weeks.. I have my headset on listening to Norah Jones.. Right now it's this one :
I am answering some email, had a couple of calls and drinking my tea.. Sitting far back in my chair and I am loving it. I hope it stays like this all day.
Over to food- I have no idea how much I have been eating the last few days. I haven't really eaten that much- but I haven't been tracking anything either. Have been so tired and out of focus.. But talking about food.. Hubby is going to go veggie/vegan with me. Yay for that.. Things will be so much easier.
But I am back on writing down everything again. I had to delete some apps from my phone cause I kept getting "you are low on space" error all the time.. I don't get why :S But since I couldn't move my calorie counter over to my SD card- I had to remove it too.. Now I only have it on the PC only. I think I might go for an iphone for my next phone.. I have been loving HTC for so long- but these app stuff are getting annoying.. And the new iphone should be out in a month ish so I might just go for it.. Will see..
I haven't been on the scale in a few days either.. The lack of sleep and the stress has made me really bloated even though I have been good for the intake. And we have had the scale packed away since we were going to have the shoot- but I will get on it tomorrow and see how much damage I have to deal with heh..
I am going to read up on more blogs- I am planning to start reading up on some of my favo blog all the way from when they were started.. I mean I do have the time today hehehe .. So why not ^^
<3
Edit: I might play around with the layout and such as well.. I think I want to redo the whole blog.. Make it more positive and not so "hidden" ..Will see..
2011/09/02
Enough is enough!
Ok.. I have had enough of the low mood! I have been sobbing for days and everything is starting to get so "out of reach".. And I have had enough..
So it is my birthday.. I am turning 29 and guess what.. I am going to grab it by the balls and have a blast! I mean.. The whole "OMG I am getting old" is getting old.. I need to just forget about it.. Ages a number afterall... And my 28 turned out good.. And if I get my shit together 29 will even be better... I have a to do list.. Lol.. I ALWAYS have a to do list.. I like having them.. Makes me feel better.. More in control.. And lets face it.. I am a control freak..
I have made a list over the things I want to do by the end of this year.. I have a goal.. And I think it's really important to keep it up until end of this year and put up new ones then.. So this is what I want to do by the end of this year:
So it is my birthday.. I am turning 29 and guess what.. I am going to grab it by the balls and have a blast! I mean.. The whole "OMG I am getting old" is getting old.. I need to just forget about it.. Ages a number afterall... And my 28 turned out good.. And if I get my shit together 29 will even be better... I have a to do list.. Lol.. I ALWAYS have a to do list.. I like having them.. Makes me feel better.. More in control.. And lets face it.. I am a control freak..
I have made a list over the things I want to do by the end of this year.. I have a goal.. And I think it's really important to keep it up until end of this year and put up new ones then.. So this is what I want to do by the end of this year:
- I will get fit and get my lazy bum to the gym 4 times a week
- I will eat restrict my calories- control my carbs- keep my fat low.
- I will get up earlier every morning- and take time to put on my makeup and get my self looking good.. Looking better will make me feel better and that will result in me having a better day.
- I will NOT let my hubby's stupid gran get to me.. She can be a bitch as often as she want.. She is going to my ignore list.. And is out of our life!
- I will get OFF morbidly obese BMI (AKA under 174 lbs) .. I can not keep going this way.. I will end up dying fat...
- I will not binge.. And I will not purge!
- And I will start paying more attention to my hubby.. Date nights are back on the table! We haven't had a proper date since I moved to Sweden.. And that SUCKS...
Tonight we are going out for sushi to celebrate my bday.. And I am looking forward to that. I wonder what I can wear.. I don't have that many nice cloths that fit anymore.. And I am not buying new ones for this size.. I am just not going to do it lol... So ya.. We will see..
On the bright side.. I have a whole bunch of cloths to fit into as the numbers on the scale go lower.. :)
Anyways :) Wishing you all a great weekend..
<3
2011/07/19
The days isn't the same without..
My day isn't really the same without you guys.. I was in pretty much a funk this morning- but then I saw the comment emails on my cellphone- and Ulla dear.. Your comment cheered me up.
I am so glad that you are feeling better.. I have been really worried about you. Enjoy your time in France- and take good care of you. And don't be too hard on your little sis :) She only ment to do what she thinks is right. Des charges de l'amour <3 (Don't lough at my really poor French, I barely use it anymore)- and ya :P Lets not use meningitis to lose the pounds ^^
Yesterday went fine until dinner time. I had some of the food I made for my fiance which I shouldn't have. But even with that I am down 3.5 lbs. Most likely water weight.. I also am done with that time of the month- which means I weigh less. But I am not complaining.
Last night was really bad. It's been a while since I felt this bad.. I cried for hours.. I have mentioned earlier that I gained loads of weight when I was very young to "protect" my self from my step dad.. That action has had other consequences on my body. I have stretch marks.. Not the ones normal people have on their tummy or ties - I have them on/around my shoulders. My girlfriends/ fiance tell me it doesn't look at horrid as I make it to be but ya.. What I see is what counts, right?
So I looked into what you can do to cover them- I really hope to avoid wearing a bolero at the wedding since it will be really really warm.. I saw several articles where they recommend using mineral makeup to cover them. After work I went to several places to have a look at it- but none of the people working there knew anything about it.. Which made me feel even more down... I tried on my veil and without any coverage you are able to see the marks.. Look:
Anyhow.. I had a really bad crash last night over it. I think I will read more about it- and actually one of the powders I tried did work OK.I just have to keep looking I guess.. Does anyone here know anything about these stuff?? So ya... I cried and cried.. And cried.. I have a tad of headache now. And I think it's most likely cause of that.. It makes me wonder though.. Is it "normal" to cry over looks? Apparently most people don't care.. I can't imagine not caring at all.. I mean.. I guess you guys know what I mean.. Don't you?
Anyways I have thought more about the upcoming weeks. I have a plan for how I am going eat until the wedding. I have thought about the honeymoon. And I think that I will be eating "normal" while we are there. I will eat whatever he is having just less of it. We will be walking around in Rome and Barcelona so we will burn some calories.
Princess Perfection wrote something in her last post that I have thought about many many times.. Never acted that way though... She wrote : generally just living and eating as if I am already thin ...
That is what I will be doing while we are away. Think and eat like a skinny person..
I have also thought about how things need to be when we get back.. And every time I think about it, my first thought is that I need to get in shape again.. As hard as it is to believe before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgi and was in pain thinking it was my training I was doing really well with kick boxing. Back then I would be training a minimum of 3-4 hours a day. I didn't weigh in anywhere close to what my goal weight is- but I was really fit and pretty tiny.. I remember how much I loved being able to go to big sales and shop and shop cause most things looked good on me.. THAT is where I want to be again. I know I can not go back to kick boxing cause of my arms but I want to get back to that shape. Have you guys seen the super size vs super skinny episode with Amy Jo?? I LOVE her body.. She is just so perfect..
I think I will be following Rusty's visual impact for woman .. I mean I already got the plan.. But will see.. Anyways I am off for now :) <3
Edit:
2011/07/05
I think I'm going kookoo.. kookoo... kookoo..
Right.. So I think I am really going kookoo.. lol..
I mentioned in one of my posts that I was really sick of meat in general didn't I... I think the low carb diet is taking it to a whole new level.. Last night I dreamt I was being chased by a bunch of fish... and they were trying to eat me... When I finally got away from them.. It was a road with pork/lamb chops on the side.. And they were trying to flat me out lol ... I mean COME ON!!! This can not be normal lol..
Anyways. I am going to keep on the low carb this month. Will see what to do after. I am really fed up with meat in general, and I think the dream is trying to tell me something.. lol..
Anyhow.. I have reached a whole new level of tired now.. The weekend wasn't long enough and I could sleep for days..
Good news.. The priest has approved our vows.. I was so emotional writing them down yesterday.. I really need to find me a proper water proof mascara hehe.. Gaaah... I'm such a mess. I am so tired, so emotional, so stressed..
Note to my self: Google low carb veggie recipes...
@AJ : Thanks hon. And right back at you :)
@[ChildofApathy] : Oh I know the feeling of always being on move.. One of the reasons why I don't want to move again.. but ya.. Where will you be moving after uni?? :) - And ya we sort of have already demoted him.. He is the best man in name- but he isn't going to be a part of anything but to stand up there at the isle along with my fiance and the other guy who is actually doing all the work.. We don't have the time/energy to bother with him... The question is if we will ever talk to him again after this.. Doesn't feel like he deserves it..
Off to read some blogs and google now :)
Oh and as if I wasn't emo enough.. This song just came on...
I mentioned in one of my posts that I was really sick of meat in general didn't I... I think the low carb diet is taking it to a whole new level.. Last night I dreamt I was being chased by a bunch of fish... and they were trying to eat me... When I finally got away from them.. It was a road with pork/lamb chops on the side.. And they were trying to flat me out lol ... I mean COME ON!!! This can not be normal lol..
Anyways. I am going to keep on the low carb this month. Will see what to do after. I am really fed up with meat in general, and I think the dream is trying to tell me something.. lol..
Anyhow.. I have reached a whole new level of tired now.. The weekend wasn't long enough and I could sleep for days..
Good news.. The priest has approved our vows.. I was so emotional writing them down yesterday.. I really need to find me a proper water proof mascara hehe.. Gaaah... I'm such a mess. I am so tired, so emotional, so stressed..
Note to my self: Google low carb veggie recipes...
@AJ : Thanks hon. And right back at you :)
@[ChildofApathy] : Oh I know the feeling of always being on move.. One of the reasons why I don't want to move again.. but ya.. Where will you be moving after uni?? :) - And ya we sort of have already demoted him.. He is the best man in name- but he isn't going to be a part of anything but to stand up there at the isle along with my fiance and the other guy who is actually doing all the work.. We don't have the time/energy to bother with him... The question is if we will ever talk to him again after this.. Doesn't feel like he deserves it..
Off to read some blogs and google now :)
Oh and as if I wasn't emo enough.. This song just came on...
2011/06/29
*yawn*
OMG I am so sleepy today.. I don't understand how people can sleep for 3-4 hours and keep going. Even 6 hours is most of the times too little for me.. But last night it was way too little sleep. I couldn't sleep. And it ended up with me talking to my bf about my ex.. lol I know I know.. But I am going to explain why.
My ex was the first from any guy I have ever dated that I was in love with.. I was head over hills.. We were together for 1,5 years ish- which isn't one of my longest relationships but it was an intense relationship. He was Dutch living in Netherlands- so we met once every 4-8 weeks but then a week or two at the time.
He is finishing up his masters so it ended up with me doing most of the travels and paying for most of things.. And I didn't really mind. I loved him and I wanted to be close to him. At some point we decided to move closer. He started looking into doing his internship in Norway and I started looking for jobs in NL. And then I got this great job offer.. So I had to made a decision.. We had a long talk and I gave a notice to my work and to the people I was renting my flat from. I called him minutes before I was delivering my notice at work and he was all "oh I love you.. we can do this.. Just do it" .. So I trusted him.. Being foolish.. Being naive and in love..
He came to visit me around 3 weeks before the move. And guess what.. The night before he was going to leave, he dumped me.And his reason was "it doesn't feel right" .. lol.. I can not even explain how I crashed.. I had nothing.. No job.. No place to live.. No plan.. No nothing. And the idea of going on with the moving plans just made me more sick.. So I stayed trying to clean up the mess I had ended up in. Him leaving and going on with his life..
I got keep my flat- and I got to keep my job part time. This happened for 13,5 months ago.. I met my current BF online.. And in a game.. Have you heard about world of warcraft?? Yes I was a huge geek.. Anyways what happened was that he annoyed me so much that I ttly flipped. And that is how our relationship started hehe.. We started talking and we never stopped.. He came to visit me that weekend.. I warned him that I was crushed and not ready for something new but he didn't want to take a no for an answer. And I am so glad he didn't.. Our wedding is actually going to be on our first year anniversary.. So things have been moving forward really fast.. And I am the happiest I could ever be.. He is more than what I could even wish for.. BUT this means that I never got to deal with my feelings.
My relationship with the Dutch was over mid May. I wasn't able to do anything but crying my eyes out for 3- 4 weeks, I don't deal with losing control too well and this made me crash.. I started cleaning up the mess I was left in Mid June- and I got to know my current BF in beginning of July. I flipped on him 2-3 weeks later.. And we met the 30th of July..
I still think about my ex from time to time.. I know he is a jerk and doesn't deserve my thoughts.. But he was my first true love.. I have loads of friends in Netherlands.. Some are his friends. So I guess he has heard about me getting married.. Ah I don't know what I am ranting about even.. It isn't like I look back.. Or I want him back.. Or anything.. I just never understood why.. How could he change his mind like that.. And no there is no other girl.. Cause I would know.. Some of his friends are more loyal to me than him lol..
I guess I am just thinking about all my past relationships now before the wedding and that is why I have been thinking of him..
My friend sang this song to me when I was on my lowest.. She has the most amazing voice.. So this song got stuck with me.. Nvm the silly clip.. I couldn't find one with proper sound than this one..
My ex was the first from any guy I have ever dated that I was in love with.. I was head over hills.. We were together for 1,5 years ish- which isn't one of my longest relationships but it was an intense relationship. He was Dutch living in Netherlands- so we met once every 4-8 weeks but then a week or two at the time.
He is finishing up his masters so it ended up with me doing most of the travels and paying for most of things.. And I didn't really mind. I loved him and I wanted to be close to him. At some point we decided to move closer. He started looking into doing his internship in Norway and I started looking for jobs in NL. And then I got this great job offer.. So I had to made a decision.. We had a long talk and I gave a notice to my work and to the people I was renting my flat from. I called him minutes before I was delivering my notice at work and he was all "oh I love you.. we can do this.. Just do it" .. So I trusted him.. Being foolish.. Being naive and in love..
He came to visit me around 3 weeks before the move. And guess what.. The night before he was going to leave, he dumped me.And his reason was "it doesn't feel right" .. lol.. I can not even explain how I crashed.. I had nothing.. No job.. No place to live.. No plan.. No nothing. And the idea of going on with the moving plans just made me more sick.. So I stayed trying to clean up the mess I had ended up in. Him leaving and going on with his life..
I got keep my flat- and I got to keep my job part time. This happened for 13,5 months ago.. I met my current BF online.. And in a game.. Have you heard about world of warcraft?? Yes I was a huge geek.. Anyways what happened was that he annoyed me so much that I ttly flipped. And that is how our relationship started hehe.. We started talking and we never stopped.. He came to visit me that weekend.. I warned him that I was crushed and not ready for something new but he didn't want to take a no for an answer. And I am so glad he didn't.. Our wedding is actually going to be on our first year anniversary.. So things have been moving forward really fast.. And I am the happiest I could ever be.. He is more than what I could even wish for.. BUT this means that I never got to deal with my feelings.
My relationship with the Dutch was over mid May. I wasn't able to do anything but crying my eyes out for 3- 4 weeks, I don't deal with losing control too well and this made me crash.. I started cleaning up the mess I was left in Mid June- and I got to know my current BF in beginning of July. I flipped on him 2-3 weeks later.. And we met the 30th of July..
I still think about my ex from time to time.. I know he is a jerk and doesn't deserve my thoughts.. But he was my first true love.. I have loads of friends in Netherlands.. Some are his friends. So I guess he has heard about me getting married.. Ah I don't know what I am ranting about even.. It isn't like I look back.. Or I want him back.. Or anything.. I just never understood why.. How could he change his mind like that.. And no there is no other girl.. Cause I would know.. Some of his friends are more loyal to me than him lol..
I guess I am just thinking about all my past relationships now before the wedding and that is why I have been thinking of him..
My friend sang this song to me when I was on my lowest.. She has the most amazing voice.. So this song got stuck with me.. Nvm the silly clip.. I couldn't find one with proper sound than this one..
2011/06/28
Erh right..
Yesterday I opened one of the new boxes from the modifast stuff I got. I got them for like 10 days ago. And I ordered enough of it to last for 6 weeks. I hadn't used them since I already had 2 boxes of the products at home, and two at work. But last night I decided to test a new flavour and it was horrid.. And it smelled funny.. So I went and checked the box and the product was almost 6 months out of date :S.. I checked the rest of them and good thing that I did cause 12 of 15 boxes were out of date :S And thinking about the fact that the shit costed me almost 2000 kroners I was pissed.. So I called them today. And first she said that it was impossible and that I must have seen wrong. But after I flipped and made a "do you think I am fucking blond" , she went to check and it seems like they have had a patch of products that were out of date and had been sent out to customers ordering online by mistake.. I am sending them back today after work and I asked to get my money back. That leaves me with enough products to last this week.
Anyways I am going to figure out what I am going to do when I am out of them. The choices are between a low carb diet as Aye Ell mentioned. Or the flexitarian diet I mentioned in my last post. Or maybe just good old calorie counting with more real idea of restriction.
I am down 1 lbs today.. Don't feel like it is worth mentioning even since I have been yoyo'ing up and down all the time..
Thanks for the comments yesterday, And welcome to the new follower. I can't seem to find your blog, so leave me a comment with the link if you want me to follow back :)
@Fed Up: It hasn't always been like this. I have had a whole bunch of money issue until like 6 months ish ago. I still have a loan I am paying off. House loan leftovers after a break up. God knows how much money I have wasted on bad relationships.. But things are good now.. So I wont complain.
@AJ: Don't you worry hon. You will get married too :) And I bet you will look amazing. Way more amazing that I can even dream of looking on mine.
I am feeling pretty down. I know I have gained all this weight because of my own bad habits and the fact that I am lazy.. I don't know if I fuck stuff up for my self or what.. But feels like every time I decide something, something happens to mess it up. I mean come on.. Getting out dated products or whatever.. I know most of the time it is my own fault.. This is probably my fault too.. I just haven't figure out how yet.. And I know.. Nothing will happen until I get my shit together and actually move my lazy bum..
Ah well. I still have a few days to figure out how to deal with it. And until then we will see if I lose anything on the current diet plan.
Edit:
Edit:
2011/06/23
I ♥ you all...
Thank you so much for the comments you all left on my post yesterday. I was feeling really bad.. And your comments made me feel better and stronger. After the post I had me a good loooong cry and you know what?? I am going to show him he is wrong. He is NOT going to bring me down to his level.. And you guys are right.. He is just trying to make me feel horrid to make him self feel better..
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.
Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.
I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..
Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.
Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.
Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.
I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..
Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.
Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3
2011/06/17
TGIF!!
That is how I felt this morning.. Not feeling to do anything and stay in bed all day hehehe. but here I am at work.. But on the bright side it is FRIDAY!!!!
This weekend I am going to have some girl time.. Do my nails, give my self a pedicure, some waxing and so on. And end it with a hair mask and a whole bunch of chick flicks!
According to the weather reports it will be raining all weekend. But I don't care.. I really need some me time. Another thing I will be doing this weekend is to prepare my self for gym. I am going to hit the gym from next week no matter weather, shape, tiredness or anything. I am going to choose to go there and like it (The mental stuff)..
And I am getting on the scale again on Monday morning. And I am looking forward to that.
I don't have much to say today. I just wanted to wish you all a great weekend and thank you for your comments on my last two posts. <3
Oh and I think I am going to give another facelift to the page. The black is starting to get too black hehe..
x
Edit:
Is it too pink?? I sort of like it.. I am in the "pink mood" if you get what I mean.
2011/06/14
It is probably..
Just water weight.. But I am down freaking 3.5 lbs! And I know that when you are as heavy as I am that those first pounds go down fast but I am very very very happy about the 3.5 lbs! And today I got to taste the chocolate pudding thingi for bfast. OMG!!! It is really CHOCOLATY!!!! It tastes like proper dark chocolate and it has this mousse texture that makes it so yum.. I never thought I do go on a premade low cal diet and still get to "eat" yummy stuff.. And the whole chocolate pudding in the morning is doing wonders for my mood.. I guess I needed my "fix" lol..
On the more disturbing side.. The period is still a no show.. Which is starting to bother me.. But ya I will give it few more days before I hit the panic mode. My tummy is pretty messed up. I am not sure if it is still after effect from the "you can be thin" book/cd, or maybe I got a bug from my BF. Hope it goes over soon. And that is just a bug...
The bf has been sick over a longer period now. He never gets sick, and if he does it normally goes over after like couple of days. It has been lasting over two weeks now and he refuses to go to the doctor.. What is with men that just want to "walk it off".. I am "forcing" him to the doctors tomorrow if he isn't feeling any better. I did cook him dinner yesterday, but I just made enough for one meal. I made his lunch for today also, but I made something I don't like so I wouldn't get tempted.
We got to know that we are moving to the new office building in the first week of July. And as far as I know they aren't done with the building. They are remodelling and so on. And it isn't done before mid fall sometimes.. So this will be interesting.
Yesterday I managed to drink almost 3l of water. I am aiming for the same today. The modifast requires you to drink 2-2,5 l of water. What I am not sure about is if I can count tea as "water". If that is the case, then I had closer to 3,5 liters of "water" yesterday.
I am planning on going on the modifast until the week before the wedding. That makes it a total of 6 weeks. I am then taking a break from it for 3 weeks for the wedding and the honeymoon. Trying to restrict the intake with normal food. And will see what I am going to do when we get back.
@Ay Elle, fedup, Ullalexie and ChildofApatty :) Thanks for being around and for your kind words. Sometimes I think I would go crazy if I didn't have this blog, <3 you all :)
Edit: I should have never told that guy from work that I was trying Modifast.. Only cause he huge and going for a gastro he thinks he is an expert.. I am following the "how to" from the website and he goes on and on and on about how I should do things.. And who the fuck is he to keep telling me about how to diet.. If he knew what to do, why didn't he do it him self ?? He is soo messed up in the head.. He keeps talking about how he can keep eating bread and indian and so on 6 months after his gastro.. I don't know where he gets his fact from.. But seems like he is ttly wack.. And that he will go back and put the weight right back on again cause has the sickest ideas about what is right. Oh and get this.. He says that the instructions on the site are wrong that when I am doing modifast I should do it his way else I wont get enough calories lol.. He goes on and on and on about how 800 ( which is btw 860-880 cals if you take the 4 bags) is way too little calories and that no one can ever live on it.. I know that living on that amount of calories isn't optimal but I also know of people that get on fine with 500 calories a day. He is sooo caught in his own mind and ideas and so on that he has no eye for anything else.. Argh..... Sorry for the rage edit.. but he really really really bugs me!
Edit:
Just loving this song..
On the more disturbing side.. The period is still a no show.. Which is starting to bother me.. But ya I will give it few more days before I hit the panic mode. My tummy is pretty messed up. I am not sure if it is still after effect from the "you can be thin" book/cd, or maybe I got a bug from my BF. Hope it goes over soon. And that is just a bug...
The bf has been sick over a longer period now. He never gets sick, and if he does it normally goes over after like couple of days. It has been lasting over two weeks now and he refuses to go to the doctor.. What is with men that just want to "walk it off".. I am "forcing" him to the doctors tomorrow if he isn't feeling any better. I did cook him dinner yesterday, but I just made enough for one meal. I made his lunch for today also, but I made something I don't like so I wouldn't get tempted.
We got to know that we are moving to the new office building in the first week of July. And as far as I know they aren't done with the building. They are remodelling and so on. And it isn't done before mid fall sometimes.. So this will be interesting.
Yesterday I managed to drink almost 3l of water. I am aiming for the same today. The modifast requires you to drink 2-2,5 l of water. What I am not sure about is if I can count tea as "water". If that is the case, then I had closer to 3,5 liters of "water" yesterday.
I am planning on going on the modifast until the week before the wedding. That makes it a total of 6 weeks. I am then taking a break from it for 3 weeks for the wedding and the honeymoon. Trying to restrict the intake with normal food. And will see what I am going to do when we get back.
@Ay Elle, fedup, Ullalexie and ChildofApatty :) Thanks for being around and for your kind words. Sometimes I think I would go crazy if I didn't have this blog, <3 you all :)
Edit: I should have never told that guy from work that I was trying Modifast.. Only cause he huge and going for a gastro he thinks he is an expert.. I am following the "how to" from the website and he goes on and on and on about how I should do things.. And who the fuck is he to keep telling me about how to diet.. If he knew what to do, why didn't he do it him self ?? He is soo messed up in the head.. He keeps talking about how he can keep eating bread and indian and so on 6 months after his gastro.. I don't know where he gets his fact from.. But seems like he is ttly wack.. And that he will go back and put the weight right back on again cause has the sickest ideas about what is right. Oh and get this.. He says that the instructions on the site are wrong that when I am doing modifast I should do it his way else I wont get enough calories lol.. He goes on and on and on about how 800 ( which is btw 860-880 cals if you take the 4 bags) is way too little calories and that no one can ever live on it.. I know that living on that amount of calories isn't optimal but I also know of people that get on fine with 500 calories a day. He is sooo caught in his own mind and ideas and so on that he has no eye for anything else.. Argh..... Sorry for the rage edit.. but he really really really bugs me!
Edit:
Just loving this song..
2011/05/30
Are you an emotional impulsive binge/overeater??
If you are.. Then you are not alone. I have always been an emotional eater. I am THE eater. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I stress.. I eat to relax. I eat when I've got something to celebrate or when something is heavy on my heart. To round it up.. I always eat. I got the book "You can be thin" from Marisa Peer a few days ago. I don't know if you remember that I mentioned it in one of my earlier posts, but I got it few days ago, and started reading it yesterday. I have only read a few chapters but I have had so many "OMG I should have known that" moments.
I have always wondered why I eat the way I eat. And why I can not get rid of the weight. My diets have always failed cause I aim for the "I have to fix my eating" habits and not for the reason why I have the habits. And I am starting to understand why I always go to food for comfort.. It has been my safe zone.. When my step dad decided to use me as his personal play ground, the only thing I thought of was to eat, get fat, and thought that it would keep him off. For me food was what I used to keep me safe from the pain. From being used.. And that is what I keep doing. Every time I was to feel better, or every time I feel good, I want to share the feeling with my good and loyal friend.. Food... Now I understand why I feel so horrid and weak as soon as I stay away from it. I have made my self believe that food is what I need to feel safe.. What I need to feel good. And as long as I believe that, I wont be able to shed off the weight. This book is showing me how I should listen to my body and understand what I am feeling, instead of going for food as soon as I feel something.
I knew that what my step dad did to me fucked me up in many levels.. I knew that what my ex's made me feel made me unsure about how I look and feel. But I have never really thought about to what lever. I never thought that me calling my self for a fatty is making me believe that fatty is what I am. They say skinny people can't get fat cause their brain is programmed to stay skinny. And that fat people are programmed to be fat. This book is saying that, that is BS. We were all born to say no to too much food. We were born to stop eating when we are full. And that we were only born to eat when we were hungry. As a young kid we didn't eat when we got hurt, or felt happy. We used food as it was ment to be, not to fix or cover our feelings.
I am going to read this book, and then reread it and do the mental exercises- and then listen to the CD. And I have a feeling that this is going to be my way of finding the right way to shed the weight off, and keep it off. And hopefully on the way to that I will learn to deal with my feelings instead of feeding them.
If you like me, are an emotional binge/over eater... Read the book. If you are open to the changes you will understand why I am recommending it. And if you are going to, please let me know. I'd love to have someone take this journey with me.
Edit:
Came across this clip and it ttly makes me think of my Bf hehe.. Some times he makes me feel like a teen hehe
I have always wondered why I eat the way I eat. And why I can not get rid of the weight. My diets have always failed cause I aim for the "I have to fix my eating" habits and not for the reason why I have the habits. And I am starting to understand why I always go to food for comfort.. It has been my safe zone.. When my step dad decided to use me as his personal play ground, the only thing I thought of was to eat, get fat, and thought that it would keep him off. For me food was what I used to keep me safe from the pain. From being used.. And that is what I keep doing. Every time I was to feel better, or every time I feel good, I want to share the feeling with my good and loyal friend.. Food... Now I understand why I feel so horrid and weak as soon as I stay away from it. I have made my self believe that food is what I need to feel safe.. What I need to feel good. And as long as I believe that, I wont be able to shed off the weight. This book is showing me how I should listen to my body and understand what I am feeling, instead of going for food as soon as I feel something.
I knew that what my step dad did to me fucked me up in many levels.. I knew that what my ex's made me feel made me unsure about how I look and feel. But I have never really thought about to what lever. I never thought that me calling my self for a fatty is making me believe that fatty is what I am. They say skinny people can't get fat cause their brain is programmed to stay skinny. And that fat people are programmed to be fat. This book is saying that, that is BS. We were all born to say no to too much food. We were born to stop eating when we are full. And that we were only born to eat when we were hungry. As a young kid we didn't eat when we got hurt, or felt happy. We used food as it was ment to be, not to fix or cover our feelings.
I am going to read this book, and then reread it and do the mental exercises- and then listen to the CD. And I have a feeling that this is going to be my way of finding the right way to shed the weight off, and keep it off. And hopefully on the way to that I will learn to deal with my feelings instead of feeding them.
If you like me, are an emotional binge/over eater... Read the book. If you are open to the changes you will understand why I am recommending it. And if you are going to, please let me know. I'd love to have someone take this journey with me.
Edit:
Came across this clip and it ttly makes me think of my Bf hehe.. Some times he makes me feel like a teen hehe
2011/05/23
Weekend munching ftl ...
So I do great (not) eating during the week. I have work keeping me busy and I feel up with loads of water/tea.. But I do horrid during the weekends. At some point I just gave up counting the calories.. It just got too much.. :S
There is always some sort of social thing happening.. If that's not happening then there is eating out and such.. And no matter how you try to get around it there is still too much calories.. Oh and don't you just HATE it when you go to dinners and they serve you the food right on a plate? When you can not control what gets on it.. Or how much.. I don't get why some people do that.. It is so annoying..
Anyhow.. I didn't even bothered getting on the scale today.. I have just decided to ignore it for one day.. My body's reaction to the amount of food I have had this week is enough.. You know.. I don't mind eating out or much or whatever.. I just need to know wtf I am putting in me.. I hate when not having control over it. I really hate it..
I need some tips and ideas about how to get around this shit. How to deal with it when you are "served" the food .. And how to control the weekend munching in general.. I am trying to eat smaller portions of "normal" food during the weekends so my BF doesn't go panic mode on me.. But at the end of the weekend I end up always like this.. Blowded... Yucky.. Feeling huge..
So today I am having tea/water- I am not sure if I am going to get a coffee (118 cal) for lunch or just a cola zero. Will see :) If it's cold and crappy weather like it has been the last days I might go for the coffee..
On the TMI side.. I have noticed my tummy really goes mental during the weekends. It is probably cause of the all the food or something.. As soon as I get back to my normal eating, keeping it mostly to the liquids it gets better almost right away..
Oh and I am so changing my gym as soon as my membership goes out.. (Which isn't until the end of March but yaaa).. The reason why I joined this gym was mainly because my work has a deal with them so I got my membership a tad cheaper.. But OMG I have been regretting it.. First of all they lack some of the most basic machines.. Second the cardio section is tiny.. There are like 4 ellipticals- 2 stepmills and like 6 treadmills in total.. Which means training right after work is hell cause you end up waiting around for something to get available for ages..
We have been going to the gym after dinner (around 7- 8 pm). Their opening hours is stupid.. Srsly.. They close at 10 pm on normal week days, 9 pm on Fridays.. 5 on Saturdays and 7 on Sundays.. Sucky but you can work around it.. Now I just saw on the site that they are changing those during the summer weeks.. So from next Monday.. Until the end of August the opening hours are even less.. It is so freaking stupid..
Monday - Thursday 6 am - 9 pm.. Friday 6 am -8 pm- Saturday 8 am- 2pm, Sunday 3pm- 8pm... WTF!!! This is so stupid... And what the f-ck is up with the Sunday hours.. I am paying around 1,5k usd per year for this gym.. They should have been better, and they call them selves for one of the best in this city.. Right... This is so not worth the money.. I have been so annoyed..
Oh and ya.. We have to get to the gym more now. Last week has been next to nothing.. That has to change now. Planning to get back again starting today.
11 days left till we are going to London and I really am looking forward to it. As stupid as it sounds I used to go there to get my haircut 3-5 times a year. There is this saloon which I love and they are the only ones that have been able to give me a proper cut the last years. Being persian living in a nordic country.. Not having the thin hair means that most of the hairdressers panic as soon as I sit down and I end up with some shitty cut, or they just don't manage to make it light enough. Right now, I have so much hair on my head that if I was a sheep they would take me inn for some sort of animal rescue or something hehehe.. I hate having to have my hair in a pony tail all the time for it not be everywhere.. Or so I don't look like I am wearing a lamp shade..
Edit:
I am wondering if I should go on low carb diet again. I tried Atkins once before and it was actually the only diet I have been on where I lost weight without starving. I dunno.. What do you think?
There is always some sort of social thing happening.. If that's not happening then there is eating out and such.. And no matter how you try to get around it there is still too much calories.. Oh and don't you just HATE it when you go to dinners and they serve you the food right on a plate? When you can not control what gets on it.. Or how much.. I don't get why some people do that.. It is so annoying..
Anyhow.. I didn't even bothered getting on the scale today.. I have just decided to ignore it for one day.. My body's reaction to the amount of food I have had this week is enough.. You know.. I don't mind eating out or much or whatever.. I just need to know wtf I am putting in me.. I hate when not having control over it. I really hate it..
I need some tips and ideas about how to get around this shit. How to deal with it when you are "served" the food .. And how to control the weekend munching in general.. I am trying to eat smaller portions of "normal" food during the weekends so my BF doesn't go panic mode on me.. But at the end of the weekend I end up always like this.. Blowded... Yucky.. Feeling huge..
So today I am having tea/water- I am not sure if I am going to get a coffee (118 cal) for lunch or just a cola zero. Will see :) If it's cold and crappy weather like it has been the last days I might go for the coffee..
On the TMI side.. I have noticed my tummy really goes mental during the weekends. It is probably cause of the all the food or something.. As soon as I get back to my normal eating, keeping it mostly to the liquids it gets better almost right away..
Oh and I am so changing my gym as soon as my membership goes out.. (Which isn't until the end of March but yaaa).. The reason why I joined this gym was mainly because my work has a deal with them so I got my membership a tad cheaper.. But OMG I have been regretting it.. First of all they lack some of the most basic machines.. Second the cardio section is tiny.. There are like 4 ellipticals- 2 stepmills and like 6 treadmills in total.. Which means training right after work is hell cause you end up waiting around for something to get available for ages..
We have been going to the gym after dinner (around 7- 8 pm). Their opening hours is stupid.. Srsly.. They close at 10 pm on normal week days, 9 pm on Fridays.. 5 on Saturdays and 7 on Sundays.. Sucky but you can work around it.. Now I just saw on the site that they are changing those during the summer weeks.. So from next Monday.. Until the end of August the opening hours are even less.. It is so freaking stupid..
Monday - Thursday 6 am - 9 pm.. Friday 6 am -8 pm- Saturday 8 am- 2pm, Sunday 3pm- 8pm... WTF!!! This is so stupid... And what the f-ck is up with the Sunday hours.. I am paying around 1,5k usd per year for this gym.. They should have been better, and they call them selves for one of the best in this city.. Right... This is so not worth the money.. I have been so annoyed..
Oh and ya.. We have to get to the gym more now. Last week has been next to nothing.. That has to change now. Planning to get back again starting today.
11 days left till we are going to London and I really am looking forward to it. As stupid as it sounds I used to go there to get my haircut 3-5 times a year. There is this saloon which I love and they are the only ones that have been able to give me a proper cut the last years. Being persian living in a nordic country.. Not having the thin hair means that most of the hairdressers panic as soon as I sit down and I end up with some shitty cut, or they just don't manage to make it light enough. Right now, I have so much hair on my head that if I was a sheep they would take me inn for some sort of animal rescue or something hehehe.. I hate having to have my hair in a pony tail all the time for it not be everywhere.. Or so I don't look like I am wearing a lamp shade..
Edit:
I am wondering if I should go on low carb diet again. I tried Atkins once before and it was actually the only diet I have been on where I lost weight without starving. I dunno.. What do you think?
2011/05/19
*sigh*
I have gained weight.. It is "only" 0.6 lbs.. But still.. WTF???
I am going to take down the intake calories to 899 per day. And I HAVE TO get to the gym and burn off some calories..
Anyways.. I'm not in the best mood today.. So I'm off for now.
I am going to take down the intake calories to 899 per day. And I HAVE TO get to the gym and burn off some calories..
Anyways.. I'm not in the best mood today.. So I'm off for now.
Edit:
Lunch time now. It's been a "no" day so far. I skipped the work breakfast ( we have them every Thursday". And I am "skipping" lunch, I am having a protein shake instead.
I have been thinking a whole lot today. Maybe a tad too much. I have always said I don't want to be a fat bride, But atm it seems like that is what I am going to be. I know its still 9 weeks away but I can't really get that much smaller. Anyways.. I don't really know if the "healthy" way is really working for me. I don't really think it has been that healthy. I know I should be patient and just take it slow, but that is not who I am. I have never been patient.. Ever.. There are so many things I want to do. I have so many wishes, and there are so many things I want to change about my life. About me.
Most of it have been on hold cause I feel like I am too fat to do them. I can become a PT or what ever when I'm fatter than fat now, can I?
I am starting to believe that being hungry, restrict, and just get rid of most of the weight can't hurt. I mean how can it? I normally get used to being hungry after a week or two. So I just need to keep it together for two weeks tops.
I have DL'ed this application on my phone. It's called "MyFitnessPal" .. It has a "normal" site as well that you can use on the pc, and it just syncs it. So I am removing the "food diary page" and will hold the overview there. Anyhow... I need to go back to planning all my meals and restricting properly cause I just can not see all this flab anymore.. I just can't.. I hate it.. I hate what my body looks like.. I hate how HUGE my upper arms are.. I hate how I feel like everytime I get undressed and my BF is around.. I hate that I can't wear any nice cloths.. I hate that I have God knows how many pairs of shoes and can't wear most of them cause I am too fat to walk on high heels for more than few mins.
I hate how I have to always always always always hide my body cause it is so big and so huge and so ugly so people wont be sick looking at me.. I hate the fact that my bf is more than 20 cm longer than me and weights more than 30 kgs less. I shouldn't be bigger than him.. I shouldn't weight more than him..I just shouldn't.. I hate, hate, hate that I feel like I am going to crush him if I get on his lap.. I hate it.. But instead of keep on the low calorie diet and get my fat ass, no wait.. My fat EVERYTHING to the gym, I decide to "get healthy"?? WTH.. How can I be fucking healthy if I have a BMI that is over 40??? I will think about getting healthy when it's under 25..
I am not only fat.. Or obese... I am waaaay past that.. And here I am thinking about eating.. Wtf heh.. I just don't want to be like this anymore.. I don't want to.. I know.. I am probably having a breakdown or whatever cause of the "gain" but I just can't take it anymore. I have had enough of me. I am just going to it no matter what it takes.. No binging.. No purging.. I am actually going to hit the gym 5 times a week and not just say I will..
*sigh* I am just so sick of all of this.. And the fucking constant war in my brain.. I am just so tired..
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