Baby is due next Sunday and I am counting minutes for him to be here. I can not wait to see and hold him, and let him be a part of our little family.

With the pregnancy coming to an end I also keep finding myself thinking more and more about my body - food - diet and everything that comes with it.

I have just started gaining back some of the weight I lost during the pregnancy and it has had me in half panic mode. I know it is really silly cause I know it is because the baby is growing and putting on fat and weight to get ready for the birth, but it also makes me wonder.. Will this round be just like the last, where I lose a whole bunch of weight within 2-3 weeks after the baby is here, just to gain it and additional 20 lbs after?

I find myself thinking about meal plans and so on more than I have for months.. And I know it is not coming from a healthy place. And I try to keep reminding myself that my "plan" is to eat healthy, move, and just make sure to keep my portions under control, and then there is this voice back in my head going "lol who the hell are you trying to kid - you will never have control.. You are fat, you will always be fat.. Fat.. Fat.. Fat.." *sigh*

What do you think I should do? Should I just leave it, or actually sit down and make a proper plan? Should I try to ignore the voice, even though it has all the right to say what it is saying based on my past?

2015 and still no post!

2015 is here and I still haven't gotten around to write a post. I have started a few posts but never gotten past the first couple of sentences, and never gotten around to actually post them.

We are still getting in order in the new place. I am waiting to get some furniture delivered so we can get more in order. We still haven't gotten any of our picture frames up either, but hopefully by the end of this month I will be able to do a before after post of the place. 

As far as the pregnancy goes, I have 6 more weeks to go. Time has really been flying by, and I can not lie and have to admit that I am ready for this pregnancy to be over. It has been really hard, being sick the whole time (it only got better a couple of weeks ago), and now the SPD is in full bloom and I can barely walk, sit,  stand or lay down for longer periods. I am happy that the gestational diabetes is under control, and I still don't need any treatment for it but checking my blood levels every day before and after each meal. We will be going in for another scan on Monday and hopefully they will confirm that everything is fine with our little bundle. My weight has kept pretty much steady since mid November - gone up and down a couple of pounds here and there, but I have still lost around 18 pounds since I got pregnant, so that is great. 

With the pregnancy soon to be over I have been thinking more and more about what I will do with my diet, and the only thing I am sure of so far is that I want to eat clean whole food. I still don't know which way I will go with it, but then again maybe all I need to do is to eat clean and practice portion control. I guess only time will show.

Anywho.. I was supposed to have my first appointment with the new shrink tomorrow, but I have called them and asked them to change it and give me another appointment. I am feeling fine now, and I really don't feel like going there. The weather is shitty, I have a whole lot of pain and I just don't feel like I need it right now. I am going to see if they can rather give me an appointment in March, after the baby is born, cause that I know I will need. I really hope to not get hit by another wave of depression when the baby is born, but I am ready for it to happen. There is a 80% chance that it will so yeah that is that..

I guess that's it for me for now ladies.

<3 

2015..

Christmas was.... Well it was (I just don't even want to go there *sigh*).. I guess it's best to leave it behind and focus on the future.. 

2015 is coming and these are some of the things I want to achieve by the end of it. 

- Do a monthly weight chart so by the end of the year I know where I started and where I am (Thank you Tempest for the idea)

- Choose a plan, stick to it and lose weight

This is something I aim for each year, and I'm sad to say that each year my start weight is higher than the year before. I never stick to a plan and that is a recipe for disaster. So this year I want to choose something and just stick to it. 

- Work out

Another one I keep repeating. I just need to get stronger so I can actually do stuff with my husband and kids.. I do not want to be one of those mothers who is always on a bench at the park cause she is too weak/tired/fat to play with her kids. 

- Redefine weight goals and rewards

I put too much pressure on my self, and when I don't reach the so-called "goal" I always feel like a fail.. So I have to redefine my goals and remember that 2 lbs down is still much better than 2 lbs up. 

- Spend more time and money on my self

My looks has been my lowest priority since I just don't feel good in my own skin. I need to change the way I look and feel about my self and remember that I am worth more than what I think I am now. 

That's it for me.. What are you looking into improving/changing in 2015? 

I made a comment on my last post, but I figured it would be easier to just make a new post.

First off, thank you so much for the comments, it makes it easier to deal with things when reminded I am not the only one who goes through things like this.

But yeah I am going to meet my shrinks replacement in January. And today I got a letter confirming the date.. And guess what.. The new shrinks last name is Frankenstein...

I couldn't stop laughing.. I mean really?? Frankenstein?? If this is not a sign then I don't know!

So erm yeah...

Today my shrink told me it is her last day and that she is starting a new job...
This after I had an emergency doctors appointment at the hospital cause my tummy has been hurting like a bitch and they told me my stress hormone levels are too high..

*sigh*

2014

So I guess this will most likely be my last post in 2014. I know I have been a sucky blogger and been MIA most of this year, but I still find my self very lucky to have some of the most amazing readers <3

2014 has been a rough year for me. 2013 and most of  2014 have been filled with really unstable mood-swings and loads of depression. I am however really glad to say that I feel much better. I still have days where I just don't want to get out of bed, talk or even breath but those days are coming further and further apart.

I still am seeing my therapist, however we haven't been able to have sessions as often as I wish we had, but she is still there. Our next "project" is to prep me for birth of my new son this March, and hopefully try to prevent, or catch yet another PP depression in time and get on with treatment asap. They say when you have had it once, you are most likely to have it again, and for someone with my background the chances of it happening are pretty high. This time around I am lucky to have her on my side so I know I will not have to go through it alone until I crash.

This pregnancy has also been really hard, I am now into my 27th week of pregnancy and I still get sick. I have been coughing really bad for almost 5 weeks now, and it just doesn't seem to go away. The doctor says it is just a virus and there is nothing to do about it..

This year (a month or so ago) I was also verbally attacked and a victim of "random" racism.. It's not often I feel like a foreigner even though I live in Sweden but am Persian and raised in Norway.. But when something like that happens it really hits you right in the face - making you question if you made the right choice of living where you live. I know idiots are everywhere, and something like that could happen everywhere, but it is hard to just keep a "c'est la vie" attitude and not let if affect you.

We have also moved to a new place this year, we are still not really in place, still have no curtains, pictures ect up, but my son seems to love it here, so I am trying my best to stay positive, and just take it as it comes.

This Christmas is also going to be "special" since my mother and my middle sister are going to spend it here with us. I told my mother they could spend it here, but I know for a fact that it will be really rough. My sister is the definition of drama queen, one who always makes everything about her self, who has never really done anything to show that she cares about me but saying the words. She is also a liar (I am not sure if she means to be, but she is), and always tries to manipulate people around her. She has yet to meet my son, and she is already talking about meeting some random people she met, who she has spoken to once, while she is here. It really hurts me, that my son is 2 years old when she gets to meet him, which btw also has been her choice, and still she makes it clear that we are not the main reason why she is coming to visit us. And my mother.. Well she is who she is, you have all read the stories about her, and she doesn't really change. She says so many stupid things without being aware of how horrible they actually are.. So yeah..

I guess I just have to bite through the days there are here, and remember that it will most likely be years before we see my sister again, and months before we see my mother. I really don't understand why I just don't say "No you can not come" when I don't really want them here, and the only reason I say they can come is because I don't want to hurt them..

Anywho..

I am looking forward to 2015, and I aim to make it a great year for us. Are you happy with how 2014 has been?

I just don't understand how this is even possible!

So as the title says, I got my self a proper shock today..
We have had a bad cold, and moved to the new place last weekend, so I haven't had the chance to get on the scale.. But I did today..

And OMFG!!!!! I have now lost almost 20 lbs since I got pregnant... How.. I just don't understand how is this even possible??

I promise you I have not been trying to lose weight.. I have been eating almost everything I have craved (within reason), I haven't really been out and about because my fibromyalgia and SPD pains have been over the roof.. So how is it possible that I have lost almost 20lbs?

I know that a couple of it is probably cause I haven't been drinking as much as water as I should the last couple of days, but still..

As far as I can tell the baby is doing good too, he is very active (aka kicking my bladder so I have to pee like 30000 times a day), and we are to check the growth on Thursday, but nothing seems off. This means.. That if I don't gain any weight until the baby is duo I will end up losing over 30lbs when the baby is born. Of course I know I can not think like this, cause usually the most gain comes in the last tri-master.. But lets get real... I am 24 weeks pregnant and down almost 20lbs! Insane I tell ya... This is just insane!


PS: I promise to post before/after home edition pix as soon as we are more in order :)