Baby is due next Sunday and I am counting minutes for him to be here. I can not wait to see and hold him, and let him be a part of our little family.

With the pregnancy coming to an end I also keep finding myself thinking more and more about my body - food - diet and everything that comes with it.

I have just started gaining back some of the weight I lost during the pregnancy and it has had me in half panic mode. I know it is really silly cause I know it is because the baby is growing and putting on fat and weight to get ready for the birth, but it also makes me wonder.. Will this round be just like the last, where I lose a whole bunch of weight within 2-3 weeks after the baby is here, just to gain it and additional 20 lbs after?

I find myself thinking about meal plans and so on more than I have for months.. And I know it is not coming from a healthy place. And I try to keep reminding myself that my "plan" is to eat healthy, move, and just make sure to keep my portions under control, and then there is this voice back in my head going "lol who the hell are you trying to kid - you will never have control.. You are fat, you will always be fat.. Fat.. Fat.. Fat.." *sigh*

What do you think I should do? Should I just leave it, or actually sit down and make a proper plan? Should I try to ignore the voice, even though it has all the right to say what it is saying based on my past?

Suffocating!

Lately and pretty often lately, I feel like I am suffocating.. 

And I know that there are several things that are making me feel like I am stuck in a box unable to breath.. 

Lately I have been thinking of how much fat there must be around my organs.. You know where you see those horror images on supersize vs superskinny.. The ones of fatty levers, fat covered hearts and so on.. And I keep thinking that it is how my inside looks like.. Everything is covered with a thick fat layer of lard.. I remember this one episode where the hunky doctor talked about how many fat people died cause their insides was just crushed with all the fat.. That is how my lungs feel like... I am.. My body is suffocating in a tub of lard... And please.. Don't make any mistakes.. That tub of lard is me.. 

And these feelings are just getting more and more intense.. I have always liked stuff.. I love gadgets and I love having pretty small stuff around the house.. But now it feels like they are taking over the house.. I love the fact that my son has things to play with but OMG... He has so much toys.. And the pile seems to be growing.. I have maybe bought like 10% of the stuff and the rest are gifts.. The toys are taking over the living room and I am so freaking sick of stepping of fucking duplos... I have to make some room in his room and move some of the toys else I will go crazy! 

Out closets are filled with things, cloths and just random shit that we rarely use.. We keep asking our family and friends to rather give us money or give cards instead of presents for our birthdays and ect but we keep getting random shit!! I mean, I am not going to be a brat and just say that they are giving us shit.. But come on.. Why do people insist on buying others things that they don't need/want?? Like for my sons birthday.. We asked for gift cards or money so we can buy cloths for him. He is growing fast and he needs new cloths, and now that he is starting day care he will need even more things.. But what did we get?? Toys.. Loads of noisy big chunky toys... He plays with one of them.. The rest of just stashed with the rest of the toys he rarely touches. The kid is 1 year old.. He doesn't need all these toys.. *sigh*

I am going to clean up... Sell.. Give away... Cause the "stuff" are taking over my mind and I am going crazy... 

I am hitting yet another round of depression... An as result I am hating everything about my body... 

My not pale and not tan skin.. What is this color... 

My fat thighs.. If I read another wanna be healthy post on tumblr where they say it's sexy to have fat thighs I am going to go insane.. Get a fucking grip people - fat thighs that rub off the fabric between them, that never stop touching.. They are disgusting..

Double chin... Fuck you deeply... If we were ment to have it it wouldn't be named chin to begin with... 

Body hair... You would think fucking evolution with fix that... But  no.. Not if you are me... 

Huge upper arms... When you try on an EU size 52 and your arms don't fit cause the fabric is not stretchy .... 

Fat fingers... My wedding ring doesn't fit anymore.. And let's not forget that I was huge even then....

Fat feet... My fucking shoes I got in London couple of years ago don't fit properly cause even my feet are fat and look like a tub of lard... 

Let not forget back fat... It sure is sexy to see rolls of fat under your sweater regardless how big it is... NOT....

Today's intake is half a cup of coffee... FML... 

Trigger alert!

Please do not read this post, if you might get trigged, and if you are trying to stay healthy..











Today... Well today things got even worst... After yet another failed attempt on sticking to a diet, and ofc overeating I have reached yet another high weight... Ladies.. I have hit 116kg... Or 256lbs if you like it... So fuck it...

This worked for me before...

- Skip meals as long as you can until dinner time
I mean I normally do OK during the day and eat too big of a meal at dinner time - so why eat during the day at all??? Filling up with tea, coffe, water works.. So the plan is to stick to that, and if I get REALLY hungry, I can have a piece of fruit.. And before dinner to avoid a huge binge, I will have a can of weight-watchers (112 calories) soup and or a protein shake.. Even with a huge dinner, I doubt my calories will go over 1000... And then I figured if I was to have a bad day with food it still be under my weekly calorie goal...


Now I know I can not go on like this forever... But I will keep at it as long as I can...

I even told hubby... I gave him the numbers... I told him to stay off my eating or not eating... AND I have decided that if I do not lose the weight until we have had the next baby (we want to try for another next year) after the baby is born, I will apply to get a gastric surgary... If I don't do it by then - I never will.. So this is an ultimatum... To me... I will get rid of this weight one way or another..

You know... My body aches.. My knees ache after the stroller walks I go on with my son... I seem to have a problem getting comfortable sitting... Laying down... Everything aches..

So fuck it... I have a limited time before my son will notice my eating habits.. So it is now or never..

I'm so f---ing stupid!!!!

I was reading Seeking something else's post and it was so clear... I have been so stupid.. So I mean.. I got visual impact for woman by Rusty Moore, not long after I started my blog.. To be more exact in March 2011... It means I have had it for over 2 years.. During these two years.. My weight has gone up and up and up... I have reached the most horrible sickening number.. And yes.. It is about the numbers.. None of us can say it is not...

My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..

This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..

I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..

It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...

Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...

I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...

When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?

After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..

I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...

OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...

My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..

So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...

While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..

I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.

In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..


I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3

Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!

I had a great start to my week last week... I lost a bunch of weight, but then it went all to hell... And there is nothing to blame it on ex. from my lack of willpower..

I've decided to to make some changes... I mean.. My son turns 8 months tomorrow and I am fatter than ever.. My joints are aching, and the new thing is my knees.. I think my weight is finally getting to them too... *sigh*

The last few days I have actually been thinking about applying for a gastric bypass or whatever it's called.. The point of the matter is, that it wouldn't help.. I would probably be one of those people who get it, keep binging and gain all the weight back..

I'm going to do something about it.. I am not going to be one of those people.. I don't care how anymore.. I am just going to do it..

I have been taking chromium pills since last Monday and it has done wonders for my appetite and sugar cravings but the fatty that I am I have forced fed my self that last few days.. I have been so uncomfortable ... So full... But still... I just couldn't stop my self... Then I broke down and starting crying to hubby saying I will never lose the weight...

To make it short.. I am yet again fed up....

Anyways, my goals for the rest of this year are:

• Hit the gym 5 times a week 

I don't care how long I stay there, and how much I exercise.. I am going to get my butt there... And I am thinking this way I should get used to go to the gym, and just do it...

• No more "dinner"

I am not cutting out dinner, I am just cutting out dinner in the terms that I eat.. For me dinner means 1-2 HUGE plates of food where I stuff my face with LOADS of carbs.. My goal is to replace it with light options such as salads, soups, grilled veggies, fruits.

• No eating after 8PM.

Who am I kidding... I keep doing good, and I go on a binge fest as soon as it's dinner time, and I just keep going.. I know there will be times where I will have late dinner due to family gatherings, but those are exceptions.. This is going to be the norm.. I know I will have days where I will feel like I HAVE to eat something, and for those days fruits, berries and air-popped popcorn are allowed..

I am unsure about a whole lot of things, but there is one thing I am sure of.. and that is that I will not give up until I have reached my goal.. One way or another... I will get there...

You know you are fat when...

1. it's summertime and your sweat pours down when you go for a walk
2. you stay at a hotel, and you can not use the normal towels cause it wont cover anything but part of your boobs and back..
3. you need a beach towel to dry up.. You are a beach whale
4. you pass a mirror and think "who's that fatty" and realize it's you
5. you can not fit into your size L tights
6. you have rub sore between your thighs because your thighs are so huge they wont stop rubbing against each other
7. your high heeled shoes wont fit properly cause you have fat sticking over the shoe line
8. wearing a hold-in pantihoe will make your back look like a hippo stacking on fat
9. you can not wear a buttoned shirt, cause your boobs are so huge the buttons wont hold for long
10. when your upper arms are so huge, they wont fit into normal size sleeves
11. you do not remember the last time you didn't have a double chin
12. your nose keeps growing larger
13. you can not wear any of your rings
14. finding a cute necklace is like finding a goldmine, cause your neck is so huge the elephants look skinny next to you.. 
15. you wear black regardless the season to look a tad smaller
16. you have to spend 20 bucks more than your friend for the same shirt cause yours is so huge, it could be a tent
17. you can only shop on the "BIB" sections of the store, and even then you wont find a bra that fits
18. when you have been wearing the same cloths over and over and over that you don't remember if they are black or grey... 
19. You find the only beautiful thing about you is your eyes and lips.. They don't grow fat it seems.. 
20. you can not wear a purse over your shoulder cause it wont go pass your huge upper arms 
21. the michelin tyre dude looks skinny next to you 

FAT!

So - you know.. I'm fat..

I don't even mean fat like most of you do, cause well most of you are really skinny.. I am so fat that I didn't even think it was possible..

Remember a while back I got that fancy scale of mine? It does a body scan telling you how much of your body is fat ect.. Well....

Todays disgusting fact of the day is that 58% of me is fat.. My current mass of fat weighs in around 10 lbs more than what my GW is...

So erm yeah... I really need to get my ass in gear..
I have done OK today.. I am going to get in a work-out when the baby finally goes to bed (he is being very difficult tonight)..

Oh and last night - I just flipped out and deleted my myfitnesspal account. I dunno why I did it.. It was just too much.. Sparkpeople, myfitnesspal .. Counting on both - comparing, not having the numbers match :S So suddenly something flipped in my head and I just deleted myfitnesspall...

I should probably just stick to one.. And since I have been registering a whole lot of my everyday food in sparkpeople I should stick to it..

Anyways.. I am going to see if I can get the kid to sleep..


<3

Born to be ... Failoure?? Fat?? Flabby??

So yesterday I fucked up..
I did good until after work.. I sticked to my meals and had a good food day.. Then I met hubby- and he says "We only have an hour before we need to meet the designer- lets grab some burgers for dinner" *sigh*... And I am like.. "but I can not have it" and he said.. "Come on it's been a while, you wont die from it" ...

And girls.. I ate.. Not just a small veggie one as I had planned on having for dinner with broccoli.. But a huge fatty greasy one from Burger king.. And fuck the fucking shit.. According to my fitnesspal it has almost 1000 calories. I sat there munching in and kept thinking.. "I shouldn't do this"--"I shouldn't do this" ... *sigh*...

Anyways.. Today isn't getting any better.. We are going to have dinner with my hubby's co workers.. And I just had a look at the menu at the place where we are going to eat.. And look at this....  *sigh* what the fuck am I supposed to eat there?? I thought maybe I would have the caesar salad and ask them to have the dressing on the side and skip the bacon.. I dunno.. Please help girls.. I am going to ask what the vegetarian dish is.. And see if it is any better.. *Sigh*

Anyways.. I am keeping it pretty light during work today. I am having just some coffee/tea - maybe couple of 20 cal piece wasa crackers. I also have a K bliss bar - 90 calories with me..

I didn't exercise last night either.. Fucking fibromyalgi.. I was in such a bad shape.. I could barely move my arms... So I took a couple of pain killers and went straight to bed as soon as we got home.. ( We didn't get home before 9 PM ish).. I have cut the painkiller to a minimum use- and my body isn't used to them anymore.. So when I actually use them it really puts me down.. I am still numb from them- and I really couldn't open my eyes this morning. And it is doing wonders for my mood.. And as if that is not enough.. I am starving.. When I take them I can eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.. Add emotional binge eater on top of that.. And hola-- You got me..

Anyways... Don't have much to say today than being a downer- so I am off for now.

<3

Done with Modifast..

So I'm almost out of Modifast products. I have a couple of bags with some soup and choco pudding left, but tbh I don't care enough to use them up. I got my new scale yesterday. I got on it this morning and saw the "real" numbers. I weigh inn more on it than on our old digital scale, the dif is around 3 lbs. But I guess if I am going to use it from now on- those numbers are the ones that count.
Anywho I got my wakeup call last night.. I weigh in around 81 lbs more than my fiance.. That is almost a person- maybe half a person, but still.. No wonder why I feel so huge beside him lol I AM HUGE! I have almost  59% body fat.. Which means I could be purely bacon lol.. Ladies and gentleman.. We have a huge bulb of fat and sugar standing here in human form.. It's sad but it is a fact..
I know I say that I don't want to count carbs or calories.. But I can't not do it as long as I am this huge.. I will stop counting when I get under my goal weight.. So ya.. I have to count..
For now I am going to count carbs.. 20 grams of carbs per day. Aye Ell is right .. The low carb diet works! It is the only diet that worked for me.. EVER.. Anyways.. I will also do the portion control thing with the plates since I think that is the main reason why I gained the weight to begin with..
Ugg.. I am so disgust by what I see in the mirror..  This is what I feel like today:

A fat lard! 

This is what I want to feel like:

Skinny, light, beautiful... 

How can I get there?? By stop eating like a person who looks like a huge bulb of lard.. I am what I eat..

Thanks for all your comments on the yesterdays post about the freaky priest.. I needed it.. Wishing you all a good day and a great weekend <3

hello fatty...

So according to the new fancy scale I weigh in around 80 lbs more than my fiance... now that is the definition of fat... right.. off to bed now... laters girls...

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*Le Fat*

This is yet another I'M FAT post.. Yes yes.. I know I have many of them.. I just don't know what's wrong with me.. I am fat.. I hate that I am fat.. I hate the way I look. I hate how everything is covered in fat.. I hate the fact that every time I try to go on a diet I end up being huger than I first started. For one I can't keep going on them. The only time I did, it was when I was doing the Atkins, that is probably cause you can eat alot... And ya.. It really made me ill. But I did lose weight on it.. Anyways.. The two shake and a salad diet makes me really moody.. I have moodswings from hell... ( ya I know .. I normally have them.. But these are extra bad ) .. Anyways.. I don't know anymore.. I am so tired of binging and purging.. and binging and purging.. I have been purging so much lately that my whole tummy is fucked... I can't bend a tad after eating, without feeling everything comeup.. Even if it is something as simple as tea... And my weight keeps going up and up and up.. I don't know why though.. Cause it's not much that is staying inn..
I don't care anymore.. I don't care how I go down.. I am sick of making plans and it not working cause I aim for too much.. I just want to get thin.. Really thin.. Can feel my chest bones, have a gap between my thighs kind of skinny.. Oh and I know it sounds "wrong"... I really really really want smaller boobs... and arms.. ah well.. I really really really want smaller everything.

I suck... that's all... I am full of words.. No full of BS mostly.... and that's it... I sack.. I hate it but keep doing it...