Baby is due next Sunday and I am counting minutes for him to be here. I can not wait to see and hold him, and let him be a part of our little family.
With the pregnancy coming to an end I also keep finding myself thinking more and more about my body - food - diet and everything that comes with it.
I have just started gaining back some of the weight I lost during the pregnancy and it has had me in half panic mode. I know it is really silly cause I know it is because the baby is growing and putting on fat and weight to get ready for the birth, but it also makes me wonder.. Will this round be just like the last, where I lose a whole bunch of weight within 2-3 weeks after the baby is here, just to gain it and additional 20 lbs after?
I find myself thinking about meal plans and so on more than I have for months.. And I know it is not coming from a healthy place. And I try to keep reminding myself that my "plan" is to eat healthy, move, and just make sure to keep my portions under control, and then there is this voice back in my head going "lol who the hell are you trying to kid - you will never have control.. You are fat, you will always be fat.. Fat.. Fat.. Fat.." *sigh*
What do you think I should do? Should I just leave it, or actually sit down and make a proper plan? Should I try to ignore the voice, even though it has all the right to say what it is saying based on my past?
Showing posts with label Body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Body image. Show all posts
2015/02/18
2011/11/29
Gaaaaahhhh... New game plan!
I have no idea how much I weigh.. I just know I feel huge.. No no.. Correction.. I look HUGE... So new plan starting tomorrow...
- Breakfast : Protein shake 105 cal
- Lunch: Protein shake 105 cal
- Snack : Fruit 80 cal
- Dinner : Salad 300 cal
Drinks: Tea - Coffee - Water
I have probably over calculated the amount of the cals - but better to count a tad too much than too little. So this means around 600 cals and barely any carbs. Planning on going on it for a while.. I feel too yucky not too... Starting the diet pills from tomorrow too. I never got to use them cause hubby had packed them all away.. I had to digg through a bunch of boxes to find them.. Ah well.. Got them in my purse now..
- Breakfast : Protein shake 105 cal
- Lunch: Protein shake 105 cal
- Snack : Fruit 80 cal
- Dinner : Salad 300 cal
Drinks: Tea - Coffee - Water
I have probably over calculated the amount of the cals - but better to count a tad too much than too little. So this means around 600 cals and barely any carbs. Planning on going on it for a while.. I feel too yucky not too... Starting the diet pills from tomorrow too. I never got to use them cause hubby had packed them all away.. I had to digg through a bunch of boxes to find them.. Ah well.. Got them in my purse now..
2011/09/23
Born to be ... Failoure?? Fat?? Flabby??
So yesterday I fucked up..
I did good until after work.. I sticked to my meals and had a good food day.. Then I met hubby- and he says "We only have an hour before we need to meet the designer- lets grab some burgers for dinner" *sigh*... And I am like.. "but I can not have it" and he said.. "Come on it's been a while, you wont die from it" ...
And girls.. I ate.. Not just a small veggie one as I had planned on having for dinner with broccoli.. But a huge fatty greasy one from Burger king.. And fuck the fucking shit.. According to my fitnesspal it has almost 1000 calories. I sat there munching in and kept thinking.. "I shouldn't do this"--"I shouldn't do this" ... *sigh*...
Anyways.. Today isn't getting any better.. We are going to have dinner with my hubby's co workers.. And I just had a look at the menu at the place where we are going to eat.. And look at this.... *sigh* what the fuck am I supposed to eat there?? I thought maybe I would have the caesar salad and ask them to have the dressing on the side and skip the bacon.. I dunno.. Please help girls.. I am going to ask what the vegetarian dish is.. And see if it is any better.. *Sigh*
Anyways.. I am keeping it pretty light during work today. I am having just some coffee/tea - maybe couple of 20 cal piece wasa crackers. I also have a K bliss bar - 90 calories with me..
I didn't exercise last night either.. Fucking fibromyalgi.. I was in such a bad shape.. I could barely move my arms... So I took a couple of pain killers and went straight to bed as soon as we got home.. ( We didn't get home before 9 PM ish).. I have cut the painkiller to a minimum use- and my body isn't used to them anymore.. So when I actually use them it really puts me down.. I am still numb from them- and I really couldn't open my eyes this morning. And it is doing wonders for my mood.. And as if that is not enough.. I am starving.. When I take them I can eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.. Add emotional binge eater on top of that.. And hola-- You got me..
Anyways... Don't have much to say today than being a downer- so I am off for now.
<3
I did good until after work.. I sticked to my meals and had a good food day.. Then I met hubby- and he says "We only have an hour before we need to meet the designer- lets grab some burgers for dinner" *sigh*... And I am like.. "but I can not have it" and he said.. "Come on it's been a while, you wont die from it" ...
And girls.. I ate.. Not just a small veggie one as I had planned on having for dinner with broccoli.. But a huge fatty greasy one from Burger king.. And fuck the fucking shit.. According to my fitnesspal it has almost 1000 calories. I sat there munching in and kept thinking.. "I shouldn't do this"--"I shouldn't do this" ... *sigh*...
Anyways.. Today isn't getting any better.. We are going to have dinner with my hubby's co workers.. And I just had a look at the menu at the place where we are going to eat.. And look at this.... *sigh* what the fuck am I supposed to eat there?? I thought maybe I would have the caesar salad and ask them to have the dressing on the side and skip the bacon.. I dunno.. Please help girls.. I am going to ask what the vegetarian dish is.. And see if it is any better.. *Sigh*
Anyways.. I am keeping it pretty light during work today. I am having just some coffee/tea - maybe couple of 20 cal piece wasa crackers. I also have a K bliss bar - 90 calories with me..
I didn't exercise last night either.. Fucking fibromyalgi.. I was in such a bad shape.. I could barely move my arms... So I took a couple of pain killers and went straight to bed as soon as we got home.. ( We didn't get home before 9 PM ish).. I have cut the painkiller to a minimum use- and my body isn't used to them anymore.. So when I actually use them it really puts me down.. I am still numb from them- and I really couldn't open my eyes this morning. And it is doing wonders for my mood.. And as if that is not enough.. I am starving.. When I take them I can eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.. Add emotional binge eater on top of that.. And hola-- You got me..
Anyways... Don't have much to say today than being a downer- so I am off for now.
<3
2011/09/19
Ugg..
Just lost everything I wrote cause Chrome decided to crash... *sigh* -- And I was about to publish it... Not even a draft was saved..
What I said what that I am back at work... And it is good to be back.. But the guy that told me I needed a gastro is back to work.. He is in another dep now- but I still see him all the time.. He has been away for over a month- and he has lost a bunch of weight. The neck fats are down to two rolls only now heh...
The good thing about it is that I will use him as a motivation of what I will never become.
Other thing is that we are actually finally going back to gym today.. We have been using the WiiFit and I have been walking on the treadmill.. But it is just not the same.. Hubby is is the most horrid shape he has ever been too.. So he really needs to get back to training. He has his first competition in November. And that is not that far away. So we are going to go home after work- have a snack - change and hit the gym..
His membership runs out soon, I think in end of this or next month... Mine will run out by mid March and we both can not wait to change to another place.. The one we have now is really expensive---but it has the most sucky opening hours- and very few cardio machines.. So it is always a long line to get to those.. Which is really a waste of time.. We will see what is close to where we are going to move to - and see what sort of opening hours - and options we have.
Other thing I was thinking about was this convo I had with hubby yesterday while we were grocery shopping. He mentioned that he never thought about the fat/calories and so on content of the food he eats. That he didn't have a problem saying no to food that he knows isn't good for him. And that made me think.. I have NEVER been able to do that. I am in the bulimic- Ednos category.. More ednos than mia I would say my self.. Cause I tend to over eat often- but the B/P sessions can stop for months at the time.. As I have maybe mentioned before I have no idea what a "normal" portion size is/ or should be.. I have never had used food for food.. It has been something I would use for comfort.. For making my self feel better.. It has always been my personal choice of drug.. I am wondering now.. Should I seek help for this? I mean.. No one will take me serious.. Look how fat I am lol... I dunno... I have been having many different thoughts and feeling about it.. I think I might just try to keep to my eating plan- and see where it takes me.
Talking about eating plan.. Does anyone of you have a myfitnesspal account? And if you do would you wanna be my friend there? My user name is : Gela82.. I have given my self a new start there and I am aiming to use the program properly tracking everything.
Hmm.. What else... Erm ya.. I am going to try to keep my scale time to only twice a week. I tend to lose motivation if I have gained.. And it is another failour moment I don't need. I mean it is not like I aim to fail- but the weight can be so different from day to day with the water weight and so on.. So ya.. I think I am going to try to stick to only Tuesdays and Thursdays for now.. (if I can manage)..
I also want to thank Mia and AJ for the comment on my last post.. You girls are both amazing.. <3 :)
@Miranda: The flat we live in now is nice, but not the best area to be living at, that is one of the main reasons why we are moving. I am wondering though. How are the aparments and houses over there? :) I know the nordics tend to have light and more minimalistic designs but I don't really know if that is so different from the US.
@ Run: Ya the treamill is light pink and it is very cute hehe.. It isn't a proper treadmill though- it is ment for walking/power walking and not running. I still think it is a very good option for a rainy day :)
<3
What I said what that I am back at work... And it is good to be back.. But the guy that told me I needed a gastro is back to work.. He is in another dep now- but I still see him all the time.. He has been away for over a month- and he has lost a bunch of weight. The neck fats are down to two rolls only now heh...
The good thing about it is that I will use him as a motivation of what I will never become.
Other thing is that we are actually finally going back to gym today.. We have been using the WiiFit and I have been walking on the treadmill.. But it is just not the same.. Hubby is is the most horrid shape he has ever been too.. So he really needs to get back to training. He has his first competition in November. And that is not that far away. So we are going to go home after work- have a snack - change and hit the gym..
His membership runs out soon, I think in end of this or next month... Mine will run out by mid March and we both can not wait to change to another place.. The one we have now is really expensive---but it has the most sucky opening hours- and very few cardio machines.. So it is always a long line to get to those.. Which is really a waste of time.. We will see what is close to where we are going to move to - and see what sort of opening hours - and options we have.
Other thing I was thinking about was this convo I had with hubby yesterday while we were grocery shopping. He mentioned that he never thought about the fat/calories and so on content of the food he eats. That he didn't have a problem saying no to food that he knows isn't good for him. And that made me think.. I have NEVER been able to do that. I am in the bulimic- Ednos category.. More ednos than mia I would say my self.. Cause I tend to over eat often- but the B/P sessions can stop for months at the time.. As I have maybe mentioned before I have no idea what a "normal" portion size is/ or should be.. I have never had used food for food.. It has been something I would use for comfort.. For making my self feel better.. It has always been my personal choice of drug.. I am wondering now.. Should I seek help for this? I mean.. No one will take me serious.. Look how fat I am lol... I dunno... I have been having many different thoughts and feeling about it.. I think I might just try to keep to my eating plan- and see where it takes me.
Talking about eating plan.. Does anyone of you have a myfitnesspal account? And if you do would you wanna be my friend there? My user name is : Gela82.. I have given my self a new start there and I am aiming to use the program properly tracking everything.
Hmm.. What else... Erm ya.. I am going to try to keep my scale time to only twice a week. I tend to lose motivation if I have gained.. And it is another failour moment I don't need. I mean it is not like I aim to fail- but the weight can be so different from day to day with the water weight and so on.. So ya.. I think I am going to try to stick to only Tuesdays and Thursdays for now.. (if I can manage)..
I also want to thank Mia and AJ for the comment on my last post.. You girls are both amazing.. <3 :)
@Miranda: The flat we live in now is nice, but not the best area to be living at, that is one of the main reasons why we are moving. I am wondering though. How are the aparments and houses over there? :) I know the nordics tend to have light and more minimalistic designs but I don't really know if that is so different from the US.
@ Run: Ya the treamill is light pink and it is very cute hehe.. It isn't a proper treadmill though- it is ment for walking/power walking and not running. I still think it is a very good option for a rainy day :)
<3
2011/08/17
Yet another lunch time post :)
I am liking the idea about spending my lunch break on the blog.. Makes me look busy to others so they don't bug me with the "oh aren't you going to eat with us" comments.. It sure isn't the behind the PC work that makes office workers fat but all the damn office munching..
Anyways today after work we are going to pick up the film they made from our wedding day. Sort of dreading it lol.. One thing to see the flab on photo's another to see it in motion from every damn corner ... Blah.. Ah well... I guess it will be a reminder of what I do not to let my self reach ever ever again.
I am getting a hold of the diet plan. It is easy to hold it light during the work day. And I have figure out a way to how deal with the hungry pang at the end of the day.
I drink a cup of tea or coffee when the day is close to over- and when I get home I have eaten either a corn cake (around 8 calories per slice) - or a really light sandwich. And it keeps my tummy still until dinner. Yesterday I could have probably waited longer to eat dinner- but hubby and I try to always have dinner together.
Making my portion ready in the kitchen has helped a whole lot. Now I only eat what is in my plate- and if I am hungry I just feel up on water. But to be honest, I haven't felt hungry after eating the dinner portion. I don't get that full either.. I guess this is how a normal portion size is supposed to be.
Good news is that I have not purged for weeks. I guess being busy with the wedding- and then turning my focus on my hubby on the honeymoon and now focusing on portion control is the key. I feel very good about this. And for the first time in ages it feels like this is something that is working for me and my everyday. Giving my self a "realistic" calorie amount per day- and counting on weekly bases is helping me not to worry about the weekends trip. Also the whole "you can not eat this and that" pressure isn't that. I know that if I want something I can have it- I just need to have less of the other things. I know that this is something that "normal" people do on everyday bases- but for me it is not usual to think and act this way. And I am starting to enjoy the mind set.
I have always been so extreme.. I either overeat and purge- or just overeat- or starve. I don't think I have had a normal eating pattern since I was 10 years old. Well around that age.. My eating is probably not something others would put in the healthy/normal manners- but I am happy with it. I guess that's what matters, if I am not happy with it I wont keep going on it either.
I am also enjoying WII fit plus. I didn't burn all that much of calories doing it last night- but the combo of yoga- streching- and the light cardio did felt good. I think I will stick to doing 30 mins of it until end of this month and see what we can do about the gym when the opening hours are normal again.
@ Tempest: There are places to walk around my work- but the thing is that the weather here is pretty crappy. It rains very very often so I have a habit of just wait in the office until he gets here. But this is actually a very good idea. I will start walking down and meet him half way on the days there is no rain/snow :)
@ Harlow: The sad thing is that the gym we use is actually supposed to be one of the best in the city. My job has a deal with it - and it used to be less than 1 mins walking distance from our old office. I was not aware that they would change their opening hours suddenly during summer time. If it was for only a couple weeks then it would be OK- but they started with them almost a month before the normal vacation time starts here- and they are keeping them for another month after it is over.. So it really sucks... :S They are also pretty expencive.. So you would think they would be more flexible with the hours.. Ah well.. Lesson learned I guess :)
@Kes: Thanks hon :) We love the flat too- we are going to see if it is as good as the pictures on Monday ^^
@Fed Up: It does look sort of IKEA ish I guess hehehe.. I guess I don't think about it cause it is normal to have the the style here in the nordics :) The location also perfect.. I must say.. I can not stop staring at the ugly hair wall papare combo's they have in the living room.. Or the matching wallpaper to the drawers in the bedroom.. lol It is one of those things that it is so bad that you have to keep looking at it ^^ A paint job and some cute furnishing will make it look so much better..
To the rest of you... Thank you so much for the comments on my last few posts. I am sorry that I don't always on your blogs- Sometimes I start writing a comment but then I just nvm it cause I can come across too directly and I don't want to hurt/offend people. But I can say for sure that I almost always read the blogs and posts you make :)
Anyways lunch break almost over. I will check-in tonight for the numbers.
<3
2011/07/20
I am done!
I mean it this time girls. I am done putting my self down- and worry about the dress and so on.. I have to keep reminding my self that I have a good life.. I have my perfect wedding coming up- I have the honeymoon to look forward to.. I really have to stop ruining this for my self.
I have been so down lately.. Worrying.. And it has been effecting my fiance.. We have this connection. I don't know how to explain it.. But it's like.. He normally knows exactly what I feel- think.. And it really effects him.. And I don't want him to feel bad.. I don't want him to be upset. He is so amazing and he doesn't deserve feeling this way.
I am going to make a real effort to stop this. I am going to keep reminding my self about everything good that I have in my life..
Last night I told him "OK, if you want to have a baby now- lets just go for it" and he was like "but you said you wanted to be happy in your body before we do" and without thinking about it I said "but I will never be" !
And OMG.. That is it.. I have NEVER been happy with my body.. I will NEVER be either.. No matter how much I lose- or gain or what ever.. I will never be happy with it.. There will always be something wrong with it.. Don't misunderstand this. I am not going to stop trying to lose the weight or get in shape.. I am just going to stop living and putting my self down cause of it.. But in my head.. I could be a super model- and I would still not be happy about it..
Anyway.. I am a tiny tad down again today.. Yaay for that.. My new goal is to change my focus from all my "flaws" and move it to all the exciting things we have happening the new few weeks/months :)
Oh and I spoke to the Danish store where I ordered the bolero and the purse for the wedding and they are already sending it out today :)
I ordered these:
The material and colour matches both my dress and the corner of my veil. So it will be good. And I will be more comfy. I was worried it would cover too much of the front of my dress but it should be fine.
We are almost ready with everything now. We are meeting the DJ tomorrow night (he had to postpone again).. On Saturday we are going back to Copenhagen again to buy him a shirt, and then the only thing left to buy are the cube candles I want to have on the tables. Then we have a few days off to relax- Next Thursday I have an appointment to get my legs waxed. On Friday I am putting on nails-and having my eyebrows threaded.
My mum and sisters are arriving on Thursday afternoon, and my BFF is arriving Thursday night. And rest of the guests coming from other countries are coming on Friday, spread around the day.
We are going to the location for the dinner and give them the extra decoration and the guest gifts. And Friday night I am going out with the girls and the guys are taking him out. And whoops.. Before we know it, it will be Saturday.. The big day..
The weather reports for next Saturday aren't out yet- but next Thursday and Friday will be nice.. So lets pray to the weather God's for no rain.. I don't need sun- just no rain- or too much wind.. And it will be perfect..
On Saturday I am going to have my hair done at 10:00 am- My mum is going to the saloon with me- and having her hair done as well. Then we will go back to the hotel where my bridesmaids are staying- we are going to get me dressed and fix my make up. The limo will pick us up at 13:30.. And OMG!!! Then it's 30 small minutes left..
Everyone keeps asking us if we are nervous.. And you know what ?? I am not nervous at all.. I have been worried, and stressed.. But no more... I am so done.. There is less than two weeks left and I am just going to have fun with it- and enjoy the time I have with my hubby to be :)
I have been so down lately.. Worrying.. And it has been effecting my fiance.. We have this connection. I don't know how to explain it.. But it's like.. He normally knows exactly what I feel- think.. And it really effects him.. And I don't want him to feel bad.. I don't want him to be upset. He is so amazing and he doesn't deserve feeling this way.
I am going to make a real effort to stop this. I am going to keep reminding my self about everything good that I have in my life..
Last night I told him "OK, if you want to have a baby now- lets just go for it" and he was like "but you said you wanted to be happy in your body before we do" and without thinking about it I said "but I will never be" !
And OMG.. That is it.. I have NEVER been happy with my body.. I will NEVER be either.. No matter how much I lose- or gain or what ever.. I will never be happy with it.. There will always be something wrong with it.. Don't misunderstand this. I am not going to stop trying to lose the weight or get in shape.. I am just going to stop living and putting my self down cause of it.. But in my head.. I could be a super model- and I would still not be happy about it..
Anyway.. I am a tiny tad down again today.. Yaay for that.. My new goal is to change my focus from all my "flaws" and move it to all the exciting things we have happening the new few weeks/months :)
Oh and I spoke to the Danish store where I ordered the bolero and the purse for the wedding and they are already sending it out today :)
I ordered these:
The material and colour matches both my dress and the corner of my veil. So it will be good. And I will be more comfy. I was worried it would cover too much of the front of my dress but it should be fine.
We are almost ready with everything now. We are meeting the DJ tomorrow night (he had to postpone again).. On Saturday we are going back to Copenhagen again to buy him a shirt, and then the only thing left to buy are the cube candles I want to have on the tables. Then we have a few days off to relax- Next Thursday I have an appointment to get my legs waxed. On Friday I am putting on nails-and having my eyebrows threaded.
My mum and sisters are arriving on Thursday afternoon, and my BFF is arriving Thursday night. And rest of the guests coming from other countries are coming on Friday, spread around the day.
We are going to the location for the dinner and give them the extra decoration and the guest gifts. And Friday night I am going out with the girls and the guys are taking him out. And whoops.. Before we know it, it will be Saturday.. The big day..
The weather reports for next Saturday aren't out yet- but next Thursday and Friday will be nice.. So lets pray to the weather God's for no rain.. I don't need sun- just no rain- or too much wind.. And it will be perfect..
On Saturday I am going to have my hair done at 10:00 am- My mum is going to the saloon with me- and having her hair done as well. Then we will go back to the hotel where my bridesmaids are staying- we are going to get me dressed and fix my make up. The limo will pick us up at 13:30.. And OMG!!! Then it's 30 small minutes left..
Everyone keeps asking us if we are nervous.. And you know what ?? I am not nervous at all.. I have been worried, and stressed.. But no more... I am so done.. There is less than two weeks left and I am just going to have fun with it- and enjoy the time I have with my hubby to be :)
2011/07/07
ZzzZZzzzZZZZzzz......
I was about to write TGIF... But then I realized.. It's not.. This day at work will be long and boring.. Have normally around 20 mails to go through in the mornings- today there was one. And yes.. It is already done..
On another note- if you ever plan doing a low carb diet- do NOT allow your self to have a carb day. I read this stupid article which said taking off a day was OK- and guess what. I did that on Monday- and I am only finally now getting under the weight I was on Sunday. Which mean it put me back around 3-4 lbs.
So I googled.. And get this.. You can not have a carb day cause that is exactly what fucks the diet. Falling out of the hormonal balance and so on. Putting you back almost a week every time you do so.
I am glad I know this now and didn't fuck up stuff right before the wedding. But I am down 7 lbs- Going to weigh in tomorrow and that will be my one week mark. If I keep losing 7 lbs per week until the wedding it means I will be down around 28 lbs. Which would be perfect.
I have changed my goals a tad. I have put 120 lbs as my goal weight. The reason is mostly because my BF has been commenting "bones" lately. I have been watching supersize vs superskinny. And every time I point at a skinny one - that has my hight and say "oh she is just perfect" - he goes "Eow.. I would hate it if you became that boney". So I have put up the goal with 10 lbs. But my goal is to get the body fat as low as possible on that weight. I know I should be the one deciding what my body looks like.. But I am sort of sharing it with him.. He keeps in shape for me- so I guess I have to do the same. So the closer I get to my GW the more I will put up the training. And I think that is something I will be able to live with. On the bright side the new goal means I would "only" have 105.6 lbs to lose..
Today is our last day at this office. We are almost packed and there are boxes everywhere.. It is sort of sad to move. I haven't been working here that long but this place has been sort of home to me the last months and it is a tad sad to move. Ah well.. I guess we need the bigger space.
I will be spending loads of time today on google finding low carb recipes.. It's not like I have anything else to do lol..
Oh and welcome to the new followers :) Thanks for following and reading :)
On another note- if you ever plan doing a low carb diet- do NOT allow your self to have a carb day. I read this stupid article which said taking off a day was OK- and guess what. I did that on Monday- and I am only finally now getting under the weight I was on Sunday. Which mean it put me back around 3-4 lbs.
So I googled.. And get this.. You can not have a carb day cause that is exactly what fucks the diet. Falling out of the hormonal balance and so on. Putting you back almost a week every time you do so.
I am glad I know this now and didn't fuck up stuff right before the wedding. But I am down 7 lbs- Going to weigh in tomorrow and that will be my one week mark. If I keep losing 7 lbs per week until the wedding it means I will be down around 28 lbs. Which would be perfect.
I have changed my goals a tad. I have put 120 lbs as my goal weight. The reason is mostly because my BF has been commenting "bones" lately. I have been watching supersize vs superskinny. And every time I point at a skinny one - that has my hight and say "oh she is just perfect" - he goes "Eow.. I would hate it if you became that boney". So I have put up the goal with 10 lbs. But my goal is to get the body fat as low as possible on that weight. I know I should be the one deciding what my body looks like.. But I am sort of sharing it with him.. He keeps in shape for me- so I guess I have to do the same. So the closer I get to my GW the more I will put up the training. And I think that is something I will be able to live with. On the bright side the new goal means I would "only" have 105.6 lbs to lose..
Today is our last day at this office. We are almost packed and there are boxes everywhere.. It is sort of sad to move. I haven't been working here that long but this place has been sort of home to me the last months and it is a tad sad to move. Ah well.. I guess we need the bigger space.
I will be spending loads of time today on google finding low carb recipes.. It's not like I have anything else to do lol..
Oh and welcome to the new followers :) Thanks for following and reading :)
2011/07/01
Done with Modifast..
So I'm almost out of Modifast products. I have a couple of bags with some soup and choco pudding left, but tbh I don't care enough to use them up. I got my new scale yesterday. I got on it this morning and saw the "real" numbers. I weigh inn more on it than on our old digital scale, the dif is around 3 lbs. But I guess if I am going to use it from now on- those numbers are the ones that count.
Anywho I got my wakeup call last night.. I weigh in around 81 lbs more than my fiance.. That is almost a person- maybe half a person, but still.. No wonder why I feel so huge beside him lol I AM HUGE! I have almost 59% body fat.. Which means I could be purely bacon lol.. Ladies and gentleman.. We have a huge bulb of fat and sugar standing here in human form.. It's sad but it is a fact..
I know I say that I don't want to count carbs or calories.. But I can't not do it as long as I am this huge.. I will stop counting when I get under my goal weight.. So ya.. I have to count..
For now I am going to count carbs.. 20 grams of carbs per day. Aye Ell is right .. The low carb diet works! It is the only diet that worked for me.. EVER.. Anyways.. I will also do the portion control thing with the plates since I think that is the main reason why I gained the weight to begin with..
Ugg.. I am so disgust by what I see in the mirror.. This is what I feel like today:
This is what I want to feel like:
How can I get there?? By stop eating like a person who looks like a huge bulb of lard.. I am what I eat..
Thanks for all your comments on the yesterdays post about the freaky priest.. I needed it.. Wishing you all a good day and a great weekend <3
Anywho I got my wakeup call last night.. I weigh in around 81 lbs more than my fiance.. That is almost a person- maybe half a person, but still.. No wonder why I feel so huge beside him lol I AM HUGE! I have almost 59% body fat.. Which means I could be purely bacon lol.. Ladies and gentleman.. We have a huge bulb of fat and sugar standing here in human form.. It's sad but it is a fact..
I know I say that I don't want to count carbs or calories.. But I can't not do it as long as I am this huge.. I will stop counting when I get under my goal weight.. So ya.. I have to count..
For now I am going to count carbs.. 20 grams of carbs per day. Aye Ell is right .. The low carb diet works! It is the only diet that worked for me.. EVER.. Anyways.. I will also do the portion control thing with the plates since I think that is the main reason why I gained the weight to begin with..
Ugg.. I am so disgust by what I see in the mirror.. This is what I feel like today:
A fat lard!
This is what I want to feel like:
Skinny, light, beautiful...
How can I get there?? By stop eating like a person who looks like a huge bulb of lard.. I am what I eat..
Thanks for all your comments on the yesterdays post about the freaky priest.. I needed it.. Wishing you all a good day and a great weekend <3
2011/06/23
I ♥ you all...
Thank you so much for the comments you all left on my post yesterday. I was feeling really bad.. And your comments made me feel better and stronger. After the post I had me a good loooong cry and you know what?? I am going to show him he is wrong. He is NOT going to bring me down to his level.. And you guys are right.. He is just trying to make me feel horrid to make him self feel better..
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.
Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.
I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..
Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.
Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.
Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.
I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..
Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.
Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3
2011/06/22
Someone please kill me NOW!!
This has been a shitty day at work.. We lacked 4 people and we had a new high record of how many emails were sent through our systems.. Anywho.. In the middle of this whole shit that coworker of mine that I have talked about .. The one who is having the gastro..
He said "You know what? The swedish goverment pays for more woman to have the gastro than menn.. You should ttly milk them as much as you can and get one. I mean you are just like me.. You need it"
OMG!!! SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW!!! The fucktard is def. over 600 lbs now after e has lost a bunch of weight for the operation.. He talks about how he is going to keep eating as soon as his sore heals after the operation.. His only exercise is that he walks from the bus station to/from work/house (which is 3 mins walk tops) and then he fucking compares him self to me???
Who the fuck does he think he is.. OMG!!! I know I am fat.. But this fat... OMG OMG OMG!! I have been so pissed ever since he said it but I haven't had the time to do something about it..
I know that I am fat but I am fucking trying to do something about it... OMG.. This sucks so much.. I can not believe he could say something like that to me..
:S
I rather die than become like him... I rather purge every fucking thing I eat.. Or starve than become like him.. OMG.. I just can not believe this shit...
He said "You know what? The swedish goverment pays for more woman to have the gastro than menn.. You should ttly milk them as much as you can and get one. I mean you are just like me.. You need it"
OMG!!! SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW!!! The fucktard is def. over 600 lbs now after e has lost a bunch of weight for the operation.. He talks about how he is going to keep eating as soon as his sore heals after the operation.. His only exercise is that he walks from the bus station to/from work/house (which is 3 mins walk tops) and then he fucking compares him self to me???
Who the fuck does he think he is.. OMG!!! I know I am fat.. But this fat... OMG OMG OMG!! I have been so pissed ever since he said it but I haven't had the time to do something about it..
I know that I am fat but I am fucking trying to do something about it... OMG.. This sucks so much.. I can not believe he could say something like that to me..
:S
I rather die than become like him... I rather purge every fucking thing I eat.. Or starve than become like him.. OMG.. I just can not believe this shit...
2011/06/13
THE talk!
Today is going to be very very very quite at work. I work for an email marketing Co. Living in Sweden my main customers are from Norway. Today is a Norwegian holiday- while it's a normal work day here in Sweden. Which means I will have NOTHING to do. So most of the day will be going to streaming, blogging and so on. Can't complain.. But ya.. It will be boring.
Anywho.. Last night my BF and I had this long talk. I told him how much I have gained since we got together.. It is insane.. I have gained 33 lbs since I met my BF. And I don't want to blame him, but I eat A LOT more when I am with him. Mostly because I feel like I HAVE TO feed him. And that I have to eat with him, and every time I try to lay off. He goes all emo on me saying I should eat.. Our sex life has been decreasing as time goes, and well those 33 lbs are one of the main reasons why. I told him how sick I feel when I see my self. How I feel when I try to shop.. I love to shop.. I love cloths.. Fashion.. I LOVE shoes.. I can barely wear any of my high heels cause I weigh too much. What is the point of owning like 50 pairs of heels and only wear jogs?
Anyways. We talked and I explained. And he listened. He understand that I shouldn't weigh more than 125 lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my goal of 110 is actually good for my body. That if he loves me, and wants me to be happy he needs to stop asking me to eat all the time, and give up to my cravings. That he HAS to stop surprising me with chocolate ice cream and coockies cause I have a bad day at work. You know he is very sweet and the thought behind it is very sweet. That would be ok if I wasn't twice as big as I should be. And we came to this agreement. He is now going to make his own meals. I mean he is pro athlete, he has been competing in national team levels. He knows how to feed him self. And stop pushing me to eat. No more "sweet surprises" and no more supporting the cravings. So now I can do whatever I want. Eat whenever I want without having the constant guilty feeling.
I have this co worker that is going to undergo gastro surgery soon and he has been drinking these "modifast" shakes/soups. They give you around 800-900 calories, depending on what flavour you choose. Now he is really big, but the first he went on them, he was on it for like 3 months and he lost around 80 lbs. Anyways the normal VLCD shakes didn't work for me. Eating around 500 calories really messed up my head. Specially since the shakes tasted so horrid that I was skipping a bunch of them and ended up with like 100-200 calories a day. I went down around 30 pounds in two weeks and then gained it right back and some more right as soon as I fell off the wagon. Anyways seeing that he manages it ( I think he weighs around 500+ lbs) has giving me the push, and modifast is a VLC diet. 800-900 calories isn't that little. I mean reaching my GW I don't need more than 1200 calories so I don't think it's that drastic. And if he can, can I!
So I just went down to the pharmacy that is next to my office and got me a box of the shake, and soup. I will order more from their web site since its much cheaper. And I had the "bfast shake" for like 45 mins ago.
Anywho here is how the Modifast plan will look like:
Breakfast around 0800-0830. Coffee flavoured shake
Lunch around 1200: Either a soup or a shake.
Snack around 1630: Banana shake or a pudding.
Dinner around 1900-1930: Soup or shake depending on the weather.
According to the site you can have one whole or half a shake on the gym days. You could also have fruit if you prefer that. You could also have something with loads of protein in it if you have been doing heavy training. So the smart and fit protein shakes are also a good choice. In addition I have to drink a minimum of 2,5 l of water. I like water and I drink around 1,5-2 l water a day normally, so that wont be such a big problem. I don't know how long I will go on it. They say you shouldn't go on it for more than 3-4 weeks without having a talk with your doctor. I am an appointment with a doctor next Monday, so I will talk to her about it then. With the insanely hight BMI that I have I don't think it will be an issue. The wedding is 7 weeks away, and it will be the honeymoon break from the diet then. Until then I will take one step and day at time.
Today sure is a day for new changes. I have been talking about starting the Couch to 5k program, and I am getting on it today. 3 days a week is a sensible start and I don't want to bite over too much. I have to get in some light weight training for the arms cause of the fibromylagia but that is something that wont be an issue since that is just something I have to do. I also downloaded (Yes I am a horrid person) the P90x Yoga x video and I want to do it during once during the weekend. I think it will do me good.
Oh btw :P This shake/water intake is making me pee like every 30 mins.. The toilets are all the way on the other side of the office- so I have to pass EVERYONE before I get to it lol.. A tiny tad embarrassing, but you gotta do, what you gotta do lol..
Wish me luck.. Yet again.. I really don't want to be huge. I want to be able to shop freely.. Wear my high heels.. Feel light and tiny.. I remember how it felt.. But it's been years since I felt it..
Anywho.. Last night my BF and I had this long talk. I told him how much I have gained since we got together.. It is insane.. I have gained 33 lbs since I met my BF. And I don't want to blame him, but I eat A LOT more when I am with him. Mostly because I feel like I HAVE TO feed him. And that I have to eat with him, and every time I try to lay off. He goes all emo on me saying I should eat.. Our sex life has been decreasing as time goes, and well those 33 lbs are one of the main reasons why. I told him how sick I feel when I see my self. How I feel when I try to shop.. I love to shop.. I love cloths.. Fashion.. I LOVE shoes.. I can barely wear any of my high heels cause I weigh too much. What is the point of owning like 50 pairs of heels and only wear jogs?
Anyways. We talked and I explained. And he listened. He understand that I shouldn't weigh more than 125 lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my goal of 110 is actually good for my body. That if he loves me, and wants me to be happy he needs to stop asking me to eat all the time, and give up to my cravings. That he HAS to stop surprising me with chocolate ice cream and coockies cause I have a bad day at work. You know he is very sweet and the thought behind it is very sweet. That would be ok if I wasn't twice as big as I should be. And we came to this agreement. He is now going to make his own meals. I mean he is pro athlete, he has been competing in national team levels. He knows how to feed him self. And stop pushing me to eat. No more "sweet surprises" and no more supporting the cravings. So now I can do whatever I want. Eat whenever I want without having the constant guilty feeling.
I have this co worker that is going to undergo gastro surgery soon and he has been drinking these "modifast" shakes/soups. They give you around 800-900 calories, depending on what flavour you choose. Now he is really big, but the first he went on them, he was on it for like 3 months and he lost around 80 lbs. Anyways the normal VLCD shakes didn't work for me. Eating around 500 calories really messed up my head. Specially since the shakes tasted so horrid that I was skipping a bunch of them and ended up with like 100-200 calories a day. I went down around 30 pounds in two weeks and then gained it right back and some more right as soon as I fell off the wagon. Anyways seeing that he manages it ( I think he weighs around 500+ lbs) has giving me the push, and modifast is a VLC diet. 800-900 calories isn't that little. I mean reaching my GW I don't need more than 1200 calories so I don't think it's that drastic. And if he can, can I!
So I just went down to the pharmacy that is next to my office and got me a box of the shake, and soup. I will order more from their web site since its much cheaper. And I had the "bfast shake" for like 45 mins ago.
Anywho here is how the Modifast plan will look like:
Breakfast around 0800-0830. Coffee flavoured shake
Lunch around 1200: Either a soup or a shake.
Snack around 1630: Banana shake or a pudding.
Dinner around 1900-1930: Soup or shake depending on the weather.
According to the site you can have one whole or half a shake on the gym days. You could also have fruit if you prefer that. You could also have something with loads of protein in it if you have been doing heavy training. So the smart and fit protein shakes are also a good choice. In addition I have to drink a minimum of 2,5 l of water. I like water and I drink around 1,5-2 l water a day normally, so that wont be such a big problem. I don't know how long I will go on it. They say you shouldn't go on it for more than 3-4 weeks without having a talk with your doctor. I am an appointment with a doctor next Monday, so I will talk to her about it then. With the insanely hight BMI that I have I don't think it will be an issue. The wedding is 7 weeks away, and it will be the honeymoon break from the diet then. Until then I will take one step and day at time.
Today sure is a day for new changes. I have been talking about starting the Couch to 5k program, and I am getting on it today. 3 days a week is a sensible start and I don't want to bite over too much. I have to get in some light weight training for the arms cause of the fibromylagia but that is something that wont be an issue since that is just something I have to do. I also downloaded (Yes I am a horrid person) the P90x Yoga x video and I want to do it during once during the weekend. I think it will do me good.
Oh btw :P This shake/water intake is making me pee like every 30 mins.. The toilets are all the way on the other side of the office- so I have to pass EVERYONE before I get to it lol.. A tiny tad embarrassing, but you gotta do, what you gotta do lol..
Wish me luck.. Yet again.. I really don't want to be huge. I want to be able to shop freely.. Wear my high heels.. Feel light and tiny.. I remember how it felt.. But it's been years since I felt it..
2011/05/30
Are you an emotional impulsive binge/overeater??
If you are.. Then you are not alone. I have always been an emotional eater. I am THE eater. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I stress.. I eat to relax. I eat when I've got something to celebrate or when something is heavy on my heart. To round it up.. I always eat. I got the book "You can be thin" from Marisa Peer a few days ago. I don't know if you remember that I mentioned it in one of my earlier posts, but I got it few days ago, and started reading it yesterday. I have only read a few chapters but I have had so many "OMG I should have known that" moments.
I have always wondered why I eat the way I eat. And why I can not get rid of the weight. My diets have always failed cause I aim for the "I have to fix my eating" habits and not for the reason why I have the habits. And I am starting to understand why I always go to food for comfort.. It has been my safe zone.. When my step dad decided to use me as his personal play ground, the only thing I thought of was to eat, get fat, and thought that it would keep him off. For me food was what I used to keep me safe from the pain. From being used.. And that is what I keep doing. Every time I was to feel better, or every time I feel good, I want to share the feeling with my good and loyal friend.. Food... Now I understand why I feel so horrid and weak as soon as I stay away from it. I have made my self believe that food is what I need to feel safe.. What I need to feel good. And as long as I believe that, I wont be able to shed off the weight. This book is showing me how I should listen to my body and understand what I am feeling, instead of going for food as soon as I feel something.
I knew that what my step dad did to me fucked me up in many levels.. I knew that what my ex's made me feel made me unsure about how I look and feel. But I have never really thought about to what lever. I never thought that me calling my self for a fatty is making me believe that fatty is what I am. They say skinny people can't get fat cause their brain is programmed to stay skinny. And that fat people are programmed to be fat. This book is saying that, that is BS. We were all born to say no to too much food. We were born to stop eating when we are full. And that we were only born to eat when we were hungry. As a young kid we didn't eat when we got hurt, or felt happy. We used food as it was ment to be, not to fix or cover our feelings.
I am going to read this book, and then reread it and do the mental exercises- and then listen to the CD. And I have a feeling that this is going to be my way of finding the right way to shed the weight off, and keep it off. And hopefully on the way to that I will learn to deal with my feelings instead of feeding them.
If you like me, are an emotional binge/over eater... Read the book. If you are open to the changes you will understand why I am recommending it. And if you are going to, please let me know. I'd love to have someone take this journey with me.
Edit:
Came across this clip and it ttly makes me think of my Bf hehe.. Some times he makes me feel like a teen hehe
I have always wondered why I eat the way I eat. And why I can not get rid of the weight. My diets have always failed cause I aim for the "I have to fix my eating" habits and not for the reason why I have the habits. And I am starting to understand why I always go to food for comfort.. It has been my safe zone.. When my step dad decided to use me as his personal play ground, the only thing I thought of was to eat, get fat, and thought that it would keep him off. For me food was what I used to keep me safe from the pain. From being used.. And that is what I keep doing. Every time I was to feel better, or every time I feel good, I want to share the feeling with my good and loyal friend.. Food... Now I understand why I feel so horrid and weak as soon as I stay away from it. I have made my self believe that food is what I need to feel safe.. What I need to feel good. And as long as I believe that, I wont be able to shed off the weight. This book is showing me how I should listen to my body and understand what I am feeling, instead of going for food as soon as I feel something.
I knew that what my step dad did to me fucked me up in many levels.. I knew that what my ex's made me feel made me unsure about how I look and feel. But I have never really thought about to what lever. I never thought that me calling my self for a fatty is making me believe that fatty is what I am. They say skinny people can't get fat cause their brain is programmed to stay skinny. And that fat people are programmed to be fat. This book is saying that, that is BS. We were all born to say no to too much food. We were born to stop eating when we are full. And that we were only born to eat when we were hungry. As a young kid we didn't eat when we got hurt, or felt happy. We used food as it was ment to be, not to fix or cover our feelings.
I am going to read this book, and then reread it and do the mental exercises- and then listen to the CD. And I have a feeling that this is going to be my way of finding the right way to shed the weight off, and keep it off. And hopefully on the way to that I will learn to deal with my feelings instead of feeding them.
If you like me, are an emotional binge/over eater... Read the book. If you are open to the changes you will understand why I am recommending it. And if you are going to, please let me know. I'd love to have someone take this journey with me.
Edit:
Came across this clip and it ttly makes me think of my Bf hehe.. Some times he makes me feel like a teen hehe
2011/05/18
Fruit day..
Yesterday was bad.. Well the dinner part and everything after was bad. I haven't been "sick" since my bff was here and well my body had a "bad" reaction to it I guess.. That combined with the mental part of it.. The part where I feel ashamed over my self for actually doing it.. Lets just say it felt horrid.
But that was yesterday.. I am trying to not stay in what has happened and keep moving on. C'est la vie.. Today I am giving my self a fruit day, so I am going to try to eat as much as fruit as possible. I think the fibre and the vitamins will do me good. I am also going to try to stay off coffee today. I have been cutting down on my coffee intake, and been replacing it with tea and it's been kinder on my tummy.
I have also been playing with the idea of becoming a flexitarian. And I don't really see a reason why I shouldn't. Anyhow, I am going to read more about it first.
I couldn't wait until Friday to get on the scale. I'm 230 today, and I guess that's OK- I am looking forward to get out of the 200's and never get up to that again. The other day we were out and I saw this skirt I really loved, but the largest size they had in it was a EU size 44. That is around 4-6 sizes smaller than what I use today.. Lately I hate shopping.. Nothing I like looks good on me.. Nothing I like is there in the "right" size.. So I was really sad again. And my bf said "I think you should get the skirt anyways, I see that your body is changing and you should have it as a goal, when you fit the skirt you know whatever you are doing is working for you".. So I got the skirt. I tried it on when I got home.. And its really really really too small for me.. So now I have another goal.. And that is to get in that skirt.
Lately he has been asking me a lot of questions about my diet, and what I want and my goals and so on. I haven't always been honest on every details ( I always "forget" to tell him about the B/P part).. But ya we have been talking. I told him that I wanted to go on a huge shopping trip to London when I hit my GW, and that I wanted to shop for 1k GBP and that I was saving up for that. So now he wants to pay for that shopping trip.. First I was a tad .. I should be doing this by my self.. By now I don't really see a reason why I should be doing it alone. He has also joined my gym, so now we are going to hit the gym together, which makes it so much easier to get going. So ya.. I might let him.
But that was yesterday.. I am trying to not stay in what has happened and keep moving on. C'est la vie.. Today I am giving my self a fruit day, so I am going to try to eat as much as fruit as possible. I think the fibre and the vitamins will do me good. I am also going to try to stay off coffee today. I have been cutting down on my coffee intake, and been replacing it with tea and it's been kinder on my tummy.
I have also been playing with the idea of becoming a flexitarian. And I don't really see a reason why I shouldn't. Anyhow, I am going to read more about it first.
I couldn't wait until Friday to get on the scale. I'm 230 today, and I guess that's OK- I am looking forward to get out of the 200's and never get up to that again. The other day we were out and I saw this skirt I really loved, but the largest size they had in it was a EU size 44. That is around 4-6 sizes smaller than what I use today.. Lately I hate shopping.. Nothing I like looks good on me.. Nothing I like is there in the "right" size.. So I was really sad again. And my bf said "I think you should get the skirt anyways, I see that your body is changing and you should have it as a goal, when you fit the skirt you know whatever you are doing is working for you".. So I got the skirt. I tried it on when I got home.. And its really really really too small for me.. So now I have another goal.. And that is to get in that skirt.
Lately he has been asking me a lot of questions about my diet, and what I want and my goals and so on. I haven't always been honest on every details ( I always "forget" to tell him about the B/P part).. But ya we have been talking. I told him that I wanted to go on a huge shopping trip to London when I hit my GW, and that I wanted to shop for 1k GBP and that I was saving up for that. So now he wants to pay for that shopping trip.. First I was a tad .. I should be doing this by my self.. By now I don't really see a reason why I should be doing it alone. He has also joined my gym, so now we are going to hit the gym together, which makes it so much easier to get going. So ya.. I might let him.
2011/05/12
A way back to .. me?? *warning.. a whole lot of blab*
My mind is in a pretty bad place lately.. Mia has been taking over pretty bad and been controlling. I have been purging every little thing I eat.. And it's really taking its toll on me and everything that is happening. I haven't been able to enjoy the wedding details.. I have been having moodswings from hell.. I am snapping at my fiance all the time.. I barely talk to my coworkers. I think my body image is even more fucked up than it has ever been.
I have been reading and updating my self on too many ana- mia blog/books. I am comparring my self more and more to the people around me and I am hating my self. This shit, combined with the fact that I really miss my friends.. I am really fucked up... Or maybe I am doing this to my self?? I don't know anymore..
I don't feel like I can be open to my fiance, cause I never think he will understand.. I can't tell any of my friends about whats going on. I have a couple that know that I have "issues" but none really understand. He still thinks it's just a phase.. And maybe it should be.
I think I have lost my self in the "blog world" .. And that maybe party cause of that I am losing my self in the real world. And srsly.. I am too old for that.. I have always been so proud of being strong, surviving all the shit that life has been tossing at me. Just dealing with it, and mostly comming stronger out of it.. But I don't know.. After the last bad relationship I had.. Stuff just got messed up. I lost me.. I started finding my way back to me slowly after a while.. And suddenly it all just stopped.. And I crashed.. And well here I am.
I got a couple of comments on this post about how I should stop putting my self down comparing my self to others.. And ya I guess I don't need to starve or stop eating to get skinny. I just need to focus on being healthy. Stop binging... Stop purging... Go to the gym cause it's fun and not cause I have to.
I still want to get skinny.. I still want to lose the fat.. But I think I need to change my focus, and do this the "right" way. It might take longer but I guess that's the only way the weight will be off forever. I need to change my mind about food- diets and everything around it.
So from this day on that is where my focus will be. I am going to stop updating me on every single ana/mia blog there is.. I am gonna start taking care of my self.. And hopefully I will start liking my self again.
So this blog is going to change abit. This will be more about the new direction I am taking on my way to become healthy. I am going to find my way back to my passions.. My love for fashion.. Dancing.. The man who loves me no matter how I look, or how much I snap at him.. I have so much to live for.. And so much to be happy about.
No more insane diets.. No more mia.. I really hope I can do this..
Oh and I'm sorry that it seems like I keep changing my mind about what I want every other minute.. This one I will stick to. I promise..
I have been reading and updating my self on too many ana- mia blog/books. I am comparring my self more and more to the people around me and I am hating my self. This shit, combined with the fact that I really miss my friends.. I am really fucked up... Or maybe I am doing this to my self?? I don't know anymore..
I don't feel like I can be open to my fiance, cause I never think he will understand.. I can't tell any of my friends about whats going on. I have a couple that know that I have "issues" but none really understand. He still thinks it's just a phase.. And maybe it should be.
I think I have lost my self in the "blog world" .. And that maybe party cause of that I am losing my self in the real world. And srsly.. I am too old for that.. I have always been so proud of being strong, surviving all the shit that life has been tossing at me. Just dealing with it, and mostly comming stronger out of it.. But I don't know.. After the last bad relationship I had.. Stuff just got messed up. I lost me.. I started finding my way back to me slowly after a while.. And suddenly it all just stopped.. And I crashed.. And well here I am.
I got a couple of comments on this post about how I should stop putting my self down comparing my self to others.. And ya I guess I don't need to starve or stop eating to get skinny. I just need to focus on being healthy. Stop binging... Stop purging... Go to the gym cause it's fun and not cause I have to.
I still want to get skinny.. I still want to lose the fat.. But I think I need to change my focus, and do this the "right" way. It might take longer but I guess that's the only way the weight will be off forever. I need to change my mind about food- diets and everything around it.
So from this day on that is where my focus will be. I am going to stop updating me on every single ana/mia blog there is.. I am gonna start taking care of my self.. And hopefully I will start liking my self again.
So this blog is going to change abit. This will be more about the new direction I am taking on my way to become healthy. I am going to find my way back to my passions.. My love for fashion.. Dancing.. The man who loves me no matter how I look, or how much I snap at him.. I have so much to live for.. And so much to be happy about.
No more insane diets.. No more mia.. I really hope I can do this..
Oh and I'm sorry that it seems like I keep changing my mind about what I want every other minute.. This one I will stick to. I promise..
2011/05/11
May/June Competition and the skinny girl diet!
Yesterday was a bad day for me.. The only good side was that I got to order the wedding dress.. But other than that it was horrid.. Also had a huuge argue with the hubby to be and ya..
Anyways we made up.. New day and new start..
Yesterday I decided I would go on the skinny girl diet. I have made a page on the blog about what it is and the rules and so on.
I also joined americaneaglelove on her May/June cometition. She says "This competition begins on May 10th, ends on June 10th. Anyone is welcome and encouraged to join, but I won't be able to mail out a prize to you if you win and you don't live in the US. The purpose of this friendly competition is to have fun, hopefully provide motivation towards your goals, and to help encourage others." There is a prize, but I don't really care about it. I just want/NEED the motivation.
I wasn't sure if I was going to join, I was just really ashamed of how fat I am looking at the weights of the girls that are on it. But ya.. I guess the fatter you are the more you need the support and motivation?
Anyways, making another page for the intake/ wight updates for the diet. I like to keep the blog posts for rambles, but still have the numbers somewhere.
Anyways we made up.. New day and new start..
Yesterday I decided I would go on the skinny girl diet. I have made a page on the blog about what it is and the rules and so on.
I also joined americaneaglelove on her May/June cometition. She says "This competition begins on May 10th, ends on June 10th. Anyone is welcome and encouraged to join, but I won't be able to mail out a prize to you if you win and you don't live in the US. The purpose of this friendly competition is to have fun, hopefully provide motivation towards your goals, and to help encourage others." There is a prize, but I don't really care about it. I just want/NEED the motivation.
I wasn't sure if I was going to join, I was just really ashamed of how fat I am looking at the weights of the girls that are on it. But ya.. I guess the fatter you are the more you need the support and motivation?
Anyways, making another page for the intake/ wight updates for the diet. I like to keep the blog posts for rambles, but still have the numbers somewhere.
2011/05/10
One of those days!
Yesterday was an ok day with food. I didn't binge, and I have only purged once since my bff went back. So I guess thats good. I think the amount of what I eat instead of combining it with what I eat way of doing the restriction. It makes it so much easier to think there are no "forbidden" foods and I can have it IF I really want it. Ofc there are limits to that, but I like to have the freedom.
Anyways, I am still way too fat. But I am not going to compare my self to many of those wonderful girls on the blogs I read. I will get there too. Slowly maybe.. But I will..
On another note.. ( I am at work to this post is getting updated VERY slowly, hehe ) .. Anyways.. I just ordered my whole wedding outfit.. It was a huge sale and suddenly poof.. I had my dress- veil- bolero- and undergarment for 1/3 of the budget I had... Like OMG!!!! They will deliver it all in a couple of weeks.. I cant wait.. ^^ I just loved the top... It's so so so cute
Here is the rest of it:
Finally... I was so tired of thinking about the dress .. So glad it's all done! Now there are only 5000 other details to look into.. hehe..
It's weird to think how fast time has been going by. It is now just under 12 weeks to the wedding. So thats 11 weeks where I can get smaller. Other than the London trip (3rd.- 6th of June) there isn't many other food related gatherings we have to attend.
- Back from my lunch break.. And I feel horrid. A tad panicky.. Too fat.. I had a chicken toast. Haven't eaten anything but that today.. But then as I was taking my last bite there was this girl.. And she was... SO SKINNY.. She was so tiny.. And wearing these tiny little shorts.. Everything about her was tiny... And I just realized (yet again) how huge I am... I am fat and I keep going on and on about eating. While I could skip lunch, I go spend money on getting me food.. And my wedding day is only weeks away. Instead of getting thin I just eat??
WTF is wrong with me?
You don't get thin by eating. You don't get thin by sitting on your fat ass... You don't get thin by wishing it.. Skinny girls don't spend time on eating every meal do day? They don't spend their money on fatty shit.. They say no thanks.. I have every chance of just not eating anything every day until I get home after work and I just do it?? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just say no?
Anyways.. I am going on the skinny girl diet. I have 23 days before London, going to start tomorrow on day 3- and keep it up to day 26. We are going to be in London from Friday till Monday, So Ill go back on day 2 from tuesday when we get back.
And yes calories from fruit will count for me.. I don't see why they shouldn't. Going to make a new page for the diet and update as it goes.
Anyone wants to join me?
Edit:
Just came across this post, gonna read it.. Seems interesting
oh Edit again:
That post seems kind of BS ish... anyways..
Anyways, I am still way too fat. But I am not going to compare my self to many of those wonderful girls on the blogs I read. I will get there too. Slowly maybe.. But I will..
On another note.. ( I am at work to this post is getting updated VERY slowly, hehe ) .. Anyways.. I just ordered my whole wedding outfit.. It was a huge sale and suddenly poof.. I had my dress- veil- bolero- and undergarment for 1/3 of the budget I had... Like OMG!!!! They will deliver it all in a couple of weeks.. I cant wait.. ^^ I just loved the top... It's so so so cute
Here is the rest of it:
It's weird to think how fast time has been going by. It is now just under 12 weeks to the wedding. So thats 11 weeks where I can get smaller. Other than the London trip (3rd.- 6th of June) there isn't many other food related gatherings we have to attend.
- Back from my lunch break.. And I feel horrid. A tad panicky.. Too fat.. I had a chicken toast. Haven't eaten anything but that today.. But then as I was taking my last bite there was this girl.. And she was... SO SKINNY.. She was so tiny.. And wearing these tiny little shorts.. Everything about her was tiny... And I just realized (yet again) how huge I am... I am fat and I keep going on and on about eating. While I could skip lunch, I go spend money on getting me food.. And my wedding day is only weeks away. Instead of getting thin I just eat??
WTF is wrong with me?
You don't get thin by eating. You don't get thin by sitting on your fat ass... You don't get thin by wishing it.. Skinny girls don't spend time on eating every meal do day? They don't spend their money on fatty shit.. They say no thanks.. I have every chance of just not eating anything every day until I get home after work and I just do it?? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just say no?
Anyways.. I am going on the skinny girl diet. I have 23 days before London, going to start tomorrow on day 3- and keep it up to day 26. We are going to be in London from Friday till Monday, So Ill go back on day 2 from tuesday when we get back.
And yes calories from fruit will count for me.. I don't see why they shouldn't. Going to make a new page for the diet and update as it goes.
Anyone wants to join me?
Edit:
Just came across this post, gonna read it.. Seems interesting
oh Edit again:
That post seems kind of BS ish... anyways..
2011/05/08
*Le Fat*
This is yet another I'M FAT post.. Yes yes.. I know I have many of them.. I just don't know what's wrong with me.. I am fat.. I hate that I am fat.. I hate the way I look. I hate how everything is covered in fat.. I hate the fact that every time I try to go on a diet I end up being huger than I first started. For one I can't keep going on them. The only time I did, it was when I was doing the Atkins, that is probably cause you can eat alot... And ya.. It really made me ill. But I did lose weight on it.. Anyways.. The two shake and a salad diet makes me really moody.. I have moodswings from hell... ( ya I know .. I normally have them.. But these are extra bad ) .. Anyways.. I don't know anymore.. I am so tired of binging and purging.. and binging and purging.. I have been purging so much lately that my whole tummy is fucked... I can't bend a tad after eating, without feeling everything comeup.. Even if it is something as simple as tea... And my weight keeps going up and up and up.. I don't know why though.. Cause it's not much that is staying inn..
I don't care anymore.. I don't care how I go down.. I am sick of making plans and it not working cause I aim for too much.. I just want to get thin.. Really thin.. Can feel my chest bones, have a gap between my thighs kind of skinny.. Oh and I know it sounds "wrong"... I really really really want smaller boobs... and arms.. ah well.. I really really really want smaller everything.
I suck... that's all... I am full of words.. No full of BS mostly.... and that's it... I sack.. I hate it but keep doing it...
I don't care anymore.. I don't care how I go down.. I am sick of making plans and it not working cause I aim for too much.. I just want to get thin.. Really thin.. Can feel my chest bones, have a gap between my thighs kind of skinny.. Oh and I know it sounds "wrong"... I really really really want smaller boobs... and arms.. ah well.. I really really really want smaller everything.
I suck... that's all... I am full of words.. No full of BS mostly.... and that's it... I sack.. I hate it but keep doing it...
2011/05/07
Done with hungry!
As I mentioned before I have been reading Hungry. And I really enjoyed the first half of it.. Now that I am almost at the end.. I dunno... I mean.. How can she go from ana to "oh I wanna be a plus size model" and just start eating? And then I mean.. Ofc I am really happy for her.. Being healthy and so on.. But like poof.. and all her issues are gone?? I don't get it.. And then she keeps going on and on about how it is ok to be fat. And how most of the americans are obese cause they are between 25-30 on the BMI charts?? I just can't wrap my head around it.
Then she goes on and on and on trying to explain how those people aren't really fat, and how its better to be a tad overweight for your health than underweight.. Most of people with some sense know that it can't be better to be fat.. I really enjoyed the first half of the book. And I love the behind the scenes on the fashion site. The last part is kind of annoying me...
Ah well... I just don't get it....
Then she goes on and on and on trying to explain how those people aren't really fat, and how its better to be a tad overweight for your health than underweight.. Most of people with some sense know that it can't be better to be fat.. I really enjoyed the first half of the book. And I love the behind the scenes on the fashion site. The last part is kind of annoying me...
Ah well... I just don't get it....
2011/05/04
Back to the start..
Todays WI was much better than the one couple days ago. I am back where I was before my bff came to visit. And that is good news. Cause I felt ttly yuck.. More yuck than usual.. I have been reading the book Hungry after I read about it on Harlows blog and I must admit, I am really enjoying this book. I am alomost halfway and I really have a hard time putting the book away everytime I HAVE to put it away. I was very down, and in a bad place when I read wasted by Maria hornbacher. It made it "easier" to purge.. I dont know if it makes sense.. And I really hate that feeling.. Anyways hungry is a good book.. If you like to read, I recommend it..
Not feeling all too great today.. I have a bad headache.. I think I havent been drinking enough water or something. I also forgot to take my CLA pills with me. I guess I will have to take them when I get home. One of many downsides of having Fibromyalgia is that I need an "in" day per week.. Else my body shuts down.. I dont know why.. It just has been like this for ages.. I didn't get that last week, and I really feel like my body is.. Like.. Really difficult to work with.. It's like I have no energy and I am even more short tempered that I normally am. I am also insanly sensitiv when it comes to light and smells.. And when I feel like I do today. It all becomes too much to deal with..
I am considering to just go home from work.. I don't seem to be able to keep going. But I am still pretty new at this job. And I did have Monday off cause my BFF was here.. So I dunno..
Edit:
2011/05/03
2 shake and a salad diet.
I have a had a few good days, enjoying my bffs company. It was sad to see her leave.. But I'm afraid it was also a relief. We have had a great time.. Did a looot of shopping.. Well she bought the stuff.. I am NOT gonna buy a single more peiece of clothing until I am less FAT.. I did however try on this amazing wonderful wedding dress.
It looked good on me.. And it felt like it was it.. The perfect dress.. BUT it does cost almost twice as much I was thinking about spending on the dress. Well not the dress in it self but the whole sett with the veil and so on. I am gonna try it on again in 3 weeks, and see how it feels. And if I still love it.. I might just get it.. Why in 3 weeks?? Well, basicly.. I can't wait longer than that to order the dress. They needed 3-4 weeks to deliver it.. And I am hoping to be a couple of dress sizes smaller by then. I was so blowded and fat yesterday when I tried the dress on that everything was just sticking out... yuck..
As much as I love my bff.. But she is one of those nonestop eaters.. She HAS to eat often.. And she was sippy if I didnt join her. I purged a couple of times.. But having her and my fiance around didn't really give me the chance to get rid of the rest of food.. And with no gym I have been feeling huger and huge.. I have gained a whole lot of weight.. But ya I am not going to care.. I am gonna leave it all behind me and just look at this as a yet another but a final restart. I needed some girl time and I guess thats just how it is.. Anyways..
I am going to do Rusty's 2 shake and a salad diet the next upcomming 3 weeks. This is how it works:
- Drink a 30-40 gram meal replacement shake for breakfast.
- Drink a 30-40 gram meal replacement shake for lunch.
- Eat a salad for dinner with 1-2 chicken breasts and vinegar based dressing (I like rice vinegar).
- If you are especially hungry, eat an apple after dinner.
- If you are still hungry, eat a cup of cottage cheese before bed.
This is what Rusty is giving as an exemple on how a good option for a salad is:
- 1 medium head of lettuce: 55 calories – 5 grams of protein
- 1 medium bag of lettuce: 45 calories – 3 grams of protein
- 1 boneless chicken breast: 80 calories – 16 grams of protein
- 1 hard boiled egg: 80 calories – 6 grams of protein
- 1 ounce of cheddar cheese: 115 calories – 7 grams of protein
- 1 dozen almonds: 90 calories – 5 grams of protein
- 1 medium carrot: 25 calories – 1 gram of protein
- 1 Tbsp olive oil: 40 calories – 0 grams of protein
Oh and I know for a fact that I will be soo hungry hehe, but I found this post which will make it "easier" I guess. Embrace Hunger and Hunger Pains While Dieting... Catchy.. Isn't it?
Anyways.. 3 weeks from today goes fast. Then it will be a week of a bit more food, before I hop on the it again. I will also keep going to the gym as I used to. To get my HIIT up and get more endurance.
Later:
So my brain has been working overtime lol.. Work and such.. But I can't get this off my head.. So here it goes..
- There are 3,500 calories in a pound of fat
- My current BMR is 2843- 19901 per week..( My goal weight BMR is 2010 which means 14070 per week )
- With the two shake and a salad diet, and a piece of fruit a day, not couting the gym my weekly intake will be
around 5000 calories
So with no gym I will be on a - 14901 cal per week.. That is a tad over 4 lb fat per week.
Is it just me or is it very very very little? I hope that it will be more.. Alot more... heh..
So my brain has been working overtime lol.. Work and such.. But I can't get this off my head.. So here it goes..
- There are 3,500 calories in a pound of fat
- My current BMR is 2843- 19901 per week..( My goal weight BMR is 2010 which means 14070 per week )
- With the two shake and a salad diet, and a piece of fruit a day, not couting the gym my weekly intake will be
around 5000 calories
So with no gym I will be on a - 14901 cal per week.. That is a tad over 4 lb fat per week.
Is it just me or is it very very very little? I hope that it will be more.. Alot more... heh..
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