I feel really really really horrid today.. I hate having fibromyalgi.. I can deal with the pain.. But then there are days like this.. And I feel like an elephant is sitting on my neck and like I am stading infront of me, looking at me.. Trying to move..

So this week will be an easy ride on friday.. Just 30-40 mins of cardio.. From next week I will be following Rusty's plan for 3 day work out. I will do the 3 day plan of visual impact training and finish it up with 20-30 mins of HIIT.

And ya.. I can not do Rusty's "dieting for an event" cause with my current weight I'd end up on 160 grams of protein each day. Trying to fit that inn with an amount of 732 calories which is for my goal weight.. It seems to be pretty impossible.. I guess I am too fat lol.. Anyways I have decided to just keep it to two meals a day. Having a grilled chicken filet with 1 portion of couscous for lunch and grilled fish/chicken with veggies for dinner.

I tried to make somr quinoa last night for my lunch today.. And I can srsly not handle how it smells.. So ya.. I will stick to couscous for now.. I have bought another kind of grain as well. Will try it soon and if its good I'll put more info about it then.

Anyways.. Eating that way along with my coffee and so on will put me around 900 calories per day. And I think I am over calculating a tad. It is just that I'm not sure what kind of milk they have in our office coffee machine.. And I really need to have a couple of small cups a day. I will see if I can maybe take my own coffe with me in the mornings, that way I can keep it black and fat free.

Oh, I just found out that the gym I will be attanding also has yoga and pilates and something called body balance. I am gonna attend the yoga sessions on saturdays. It's the easy relaxing Hata yoga and I am really looking forward to it.

I love Maria Mena's cause and effect and Mello albums ...

It is so sad.. How one persons actions effects us for rest of our live... My mom and I.. Well we never have been able to communicate..

It's like.. I dunno.. I know one thing though.. I will never ever be like her.. I know I have a problem regarding her.. And I am really working on just letting it go..But I am really hurt.. The things she has done and said..
Letting me know from I was very young that she didn't want to have me.. Or the fact that she said the stuff my step- dad did to me when I was barely 10, was my own fault.. Or chasing me with a knife and stabbing my door when I locked it to get away.. Only cause I wouldn't pick up something at the minute she wanted me to.. Upto a few months back when she told my fiance that he needs to be patient with me cause I had a bad temper, the first time she met him...

I moved out from her home as soon as I could.. I have been living on my own since I was 16. Moved to another town as soon as I hit 18 and to another country a few months back. And ya now that we are both older and "wiser" we have a "good" relationship. Which means we keep it really shallow. She tells me about her problems, relationship wishes and so on and I listen. We talk about shoes and shopping... And how skinny she is.. Or how she still thinks that she has pain after her tummy tuck..

The other day, my bf said that he thought I looked like her.. And I really don't.. I don't know how he could ever think that we look alike.. And I am still freaked about it.. I have been studying my face in the mirror.. And been trying to see what he means.. And I don't look like her. The only thing we have in common is the color of our eyes.. And I mean comeon... That doesn't make me her lookalike.. I hate that he said that.. I hate it..

I will never be like her.

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