Been away for a while .. Will make a proper post soon.. Today's mantra is : it's ok to feel hungry.. You do not have to put something in your mouth every time you feel hunger!

Keep it simple stupid!

Last night, when my son woke up for his night-time feed.. I made the bottle and asked hubby to feed him - went back to bed and all of the sudden my head was filled with this voice... "You fail - you suck.. You can not do anything right.. The only reason why you have lost the weight you did was because it was pregnancy weight falling off.. You can not do anything right.."! You get the idea. This morning I woke up feeling defeated.. I was in an extremely depressive mode.. My brain had been working overtime the whole night - and I just wanted to lie down and shut my head..

I have been eating today.. I have been eating pasta.. Bread.. Meatballs.. Smoothie... Granola.. A feast of food that I know I shouldn't eat.. Each bite made me feel more and more depressed.. I was thinking how I don't deserve to be alive.. How I shouldn't be a mother.. I can not take care of my self even.. How can I raise a child..

I needed to do something to shut my head up.. So I dressed up the kid - and told hubby that we are going out.. We went out and while we were out I started to take in everything that was happening around me and finally the voices were still.. And I realized - I am the only person who is standing in my way to become thin.. Healthy.. Toned.. I have this amazing talent in finding excuses of why I should skip today's exercise.. Or why it is OK for me to have that bowl of pasta.. Me and me alone...

You are probably thinking - no shit! - I am sure if you have been reading my posts for a while you have been knowing this for ages..

I don't lack the money to get a membership to go to the gym.. If I wanted to I am sure hubby would drive me to and get me from the gym now if I asked him to... I can buy and make whatever food I want - I am the one deciding what are meals are.. I am the only one to keep putting my self on random diets and then hopping off it because I take it to the extreme and burn out... I am the only person standing in my way to become the person I want to be... And I know that if I do not change me and my mindset I will be here.. Fat.. Wishing to be different while nothing happens...

I am starting over again.. Now.. This very moment.. My goals are simple.. I need to stop making excuses.. Stick to an OK calorie range.. Exercise 3 times a week.. It doesn't have to be hours.. I just need to do something..
I have made an account on Sparkpeople (Thanks Josie <3) and it is giving me a good range of calories, carbs, protein ect to reach my goal during this year.. I just need to stick to it.. For once..

I remember this comment from Miranda once where she was almost shouting at me that I need to stick to whatever I decide to do.. I should have listened to her then..

Anyways.. I am not going to let the voice win.. I will do this.. I just need to stop making it "fancy".. Keep it simple stupid..

Thank goodness for new days and new chances..

Money and some gain...

Of course I have gained after our pizza date last night... It really makes me think that how much it's not worth it! Having the pizza that is.. I feel tired and very bloated and I was insanely thirsty all night...
Then I saw on Undressed Skeleton's Facebook page that they had a really healthy food for their date night.. I really need to learn that date nights - or having friends over - dinner parties ect does not have to equal fatty yucky food that makes you feel horrid the day after.. These food hangovers are just not worth it... Next time we want pizza, I am going to make it at home, and try to have either wholemeal or cauliflower crust for mine.. Cause this is a feeling I rather not have again.

Today I am going to have loads of water - some green tea, and then shakes.. For dinner I am going to have vegetable soup or the veggie omelette I made the other day.

Anyways.. New start today.. And lesson learned!


Did you guys have fun? :) My hubby surprised me by getting me this wallet I wanted from desigual - I am so bad on spending money on things for my self when they cost a tad more than what I think they should cost.. So I was really glad that he got it for me :) - I rarely use a purse now that I have the pram and the changing bag to tag along.. And this one fits perfectly in the holder thingi I have hanging on the pram :)

Yesterday I got some good news :)

I don't know if anyone remembers - but the last time I met my grandmother (My fathers mother) - she told me she had bought an apartment for me in Iran.. And to be honest I am not going to ever live in Iran. When my son was born I asked her to sell it and send me the money. The place is sold and I got 2/3 of the money they sold it for in my account yesterday - and I will receive the rest next month! My income has gone down to like under half of what I normally get since I am on my leave and the money was really good news for me! I am going to use most of it to pay off most of this loan I have back in Norway (after one of my disaster relationships) which means I will be able to pay off the whole thing by end of this year - which again means I will have around 300 dollars to use on whatever each month!

Annnnnd I am going to spend some of it to get my license! I wanted to do it before I got pregnant - but as you know the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned and with all the illness and the foggy brain I was in no shape to do it last year.. I am going to start driving a tad with hubby after he comes back from his work trip in March and then enroll on this intensive class and hopefully I will have it before summer time! Being able to drive will mean so much more freedom for me - it will be great to be able to let hubby in charge of the kid when he is home and just get to the gym - or go for a coffee or just a drive to get away.

Talking about the gym. I have decided to put off getting a membership until after I get my license too. The weather should be clearing up in a couple of weeks and I really want to start running outside. I have found this gym that does have child care, but they wont take in kids that are younger than 6 months old... And the kid is 3 next month.. So it means I would have to go after hubby gets home - and all in all it would be more of a hassle than a joy right now. I don't want to pay a bunch of cash (beside what my work pays) for a membership that would barely get used in 2-3 months.. So I think it's better to wait.

Anyways :)  I am going to be off for now - hope you all have a wonderful day!

<3

Valentine's

Happy Valentine's!! Hope you have had a wonderful day..

Mine was good, but I have eaten too much and feel so bloated.. Only shakes and green veg tomorrow!!

Day 3!

Todays numbers are super super super low... I ended up at 700 cals! But I ate well all day and have been feeling great! Oh and I'm done 1.3 lbs .. The numbers are making me happy.. But I am aware of the fact that they are only numbers.

Today we have been out and about all day, by lunch time I was hungry and I am ashamed to say that I hadn't planned on being out that long so I didn't have anything to eat with me and lets face it, a low cal protein shake and a pro bio yogurt doesn't keep you going for long.. As we were driving I saw a McDonald's sign and asked hubby to drive in.. And guess what.. I ordered a side salad.. No dressing.. And that's it! I was so proud. And hubby was shocked.. I have never ever had the willpower to stay off burgers! And it felt so good! When we got home I had an apple and a cup of soup.. Then I had a huge dinner! The dinner was one of the most yummy and filling dinners I have had in a while and it ended up and it had a total of 402 calories! I had a oven-baked omelette and loaded it with veg - and had 2 wasa fiber crackers on the side!! So yum!

But you were all right - I can not live on these numbers and take care of the kid.. I need to find more low cal options like the dinner I had today.. I went to the store and bought some bell-pepper and sellerie and carrots to have more snack options - and I got my shakes! The powder smells just like hot coco! I can not wait to try it out tomorrow :) My daily intake goal is 1200 and I have to make sure I get closer to that number.. But for now - I am not stressing over it..

Anywho - gonna finish my tea and get ready for bed :)

<3

Day 2!

Today was so much easier .. I barely felt hungry, it could have been because of the fact that I have been really busy and pretty stressed with the kid, regardless today was much easier.. I only had a pro-bio drink and a small apple for snack, but my total came to almost the same number as yesterday since I had Salmon for dinner tonight.
At first when I was planning my meal I was sort of stressed out about the calories in the salmon, but then I got my act together and remembered that is it good fats and calories. Anywho - my total today is under 900 again. Oh and I am down around 3 lbs - so maybe the gain I had was water weight and not proper gain if you  know what I mean.

Anyways - looking forward to see the numbers tomorrow :)

Day 1!

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Gaga...

This whole baby feeding - breastfeeding.. bottlefeeding.. the fucking guilt.. it's all driving me gaga and I'm about to loose it...

I wish I could just make a fucking decision and stick to it without the fucking constant guilt... UGH!!!!!!

Changes!

It has been a few very busy days.. Have been out and about with check-up and baby massage for the kid.. He also needed some new clothes, bottles and things like that - so we have been out and about for hours. Did you guys know that it is actually a pretty good workout to go on walks with the stroller? - add the shitty weather here - the wind and the mud - and you have to put your whole body into work.. So that is a very good thing!

That said - I haven't done anything but walking and carrying as far as the workout goes. I guess I was very optimistic when I planned getting out to workout 3 times a week lol... Hubby is helping a whole lot out, but the kid has been having a whole lot of tummy ache so we both have been pretty tired.

Talking about the kid - we go to this group thing provided by the healthcare system - where we are around 10 parents with kids that were born in November 2012 - and as I mentioned we had the baby massage yesterday (which my baby loved) - but I did notice that he was one of the smallest kids there (in size) - there were two that were around his size, but they were still a tad bigger. The weigh-in the day before that showed that he is gaining a bit more weight now that we are mixing BF and formula - but he is still around couple of pounds under what is "normal". I have been thinking (read going mental and fighting with my self ), and I have decided that we will be going fully over to formula feeding him starting Monday (it takes a few days to cool off the breasts and the little production that is there now).. I talked to hubby about it too - and we are pretty much agreeing that this is what is best for now.

That means starting Monday, not having to think about what I eat, I can start a proper diet. I struggle finding time during the day to eat proper breakfast and lunch since the kid is bigger now and he is more awake, wanting to play and needing attention. So I have decided to try a version of the two shake and a salad diet again.. I don't know if you remember my post about it - but here is the link. This is what I think about doing:
Breakfast: Shake
Snack: Fruit
Lunch: Shake
Snack: Skyr
Dinner: Fish/meat with veg and salad
And I'm planning to do this until 3rd of March (3 weeks) with the exception of Valtentines day. Hubby and I (and the kid lol) are going to our fav Italian restaurent. I want to say I'm going to do it for longer - but I don't want to set up goals that I might fail at. 3 weeks is a limited period and I having a date to look forward to so I know there will be a near end. I will think about what i will do when that time is over, when the time comes.

Anyways - I am looking forward to this (I am trying to keep positive and focus on the good things).. Wish me luck :)