myfitnesspal round 1000000000000000000000

Ok..
So I figured out there are too many people out there that use MFP - So I made another account again... I am thinking of maybe count everything on Sparkpeople since I already have so much food down there - and just quick add the calories on MFP, and use the charts and badges from MFP. Will see :)

Here is the new username: Sheislosingit82

Re-add me please :) I need all the motivation I can get!

FAT!

So - you know.. I'm fat..

I don't even mean fat like most of you do, cause well most of you are really skinny.. I am so fat that I didn't even think it was possible..

Remember a while back I got that fancy scale of mine? It does a body scan telling you how much of your body is fat ect.. Well....

Todays disgusting fact of the day is that 58% of me is fat.. My current mass of fat weighs in around 10 lbs more than what my GW is...

So erm yeah... I really need to get my ass in gear..
I have done OK today.. I am going to get in a work-out when the baby finally goes to bed (he is being very difficult tonight)..

Oh and last night - I just flipped out and deleted my myfitnesspal account. I dunno why I did it.. It was just too much.. Sparkpeople, myfitnesspal .. Counting on both - comparing, not having the numbers match :S So suddenly something flipped in my head and I just deleted myfitnesspall...

I should probably just stick to one.. And since I have been registering a whole lot of my everyday food in sparkpeople I should stick to it..

Anyways.. I am going to see if I can get the kid to sleep..


<3

Up and down!

First I want to explain the weird post some of you commented. I did make the post about wanting a divorce and moving to Norway - but after TK made a comment on it I removed the post..

Having it out here made it way to real - and that is a feeling I do want to act on. My relationship is having more lows than ups lately.. I am annoyed and screaming at hubby a whole lot.. Almost everything he does bugs me - but I also know that he doesn't mean any harm - and boys will be boys.. I am also sure that the PPD is playing a good part on it all.

On the bright side - I am starting to feel better. My mood is lightning and I think the depression is over (well as over as it can be for me lol) .. Our argues have been less the last couple of days and even though he still does a bunch of stupid things (like not washing his hands before he preps the formula for the kid) I am not off the edge because of it. So this one time, it wasn't blogger being weird, I actually removed the post :) Thank you so much for caring so much.. You make me feel less lonely :)

As far as my PT plan goes, it hasn't been going so well.. It hasn't been a priority due to several things.. On other hand I have also had the chance to practice some of the PT's advice and have been able to adjust it to fit my daily rutine better. I think part of the reason why he wanted me to drink that insane amount of water is to feel more full - so what I do is that I drink a large glass of water before each meal and when ever I feel hungry before/instead of munching on something. The drinking 2 glasses of water for each cup of coffee is out - but I only drink a cup a day so I don't feel bad about it. Also instead of having half a liter of water with lemon in the morning, I just drink a large glass of water with lemon in it. Half a liter made me feel so sick and I wasn't able to take care of the baby for like 30 mins after cause I felt so sick.. And lets be honest, I can not , not focus on the baby in the early morning.

Walking for 30 mins twice a days doesn't really fit my days either. I go for a stroll with the baby almost every mid day for 1-2 hours.. So I am sticking to that instead of parting it in two small walks. But I have been thinking that the reason why he probably wants me to part them is to get more activity during the day and I rather do something else instead. I am going to get out and remove the dust from my exercise DVDs and do those, or just WiiFit on the days where I'm tire - and try to do my best to hit the gym 3 times a week. But I must say I will be happy as long as I do 30 mins of something after the kid goes to bed.

I have also made the decision of cutting down on carbs now that I am eating less and less wheat. I am thinking that let my carbs only come from fruit/veggies after lunch. If I manage to stick to it, it will down my calories a whole lot.. (I tend to have a huge carb binge around dinner time... )

I have been avoiding the scale a whole lot lately.. I have been really bloated.. After I have had the baby and got my period back.. They have been hell.. I have cramps that remind me of the early stages of the delivery.. And I bleed a whole lot.. Sorry for the TMI btw.. Anyways, I made an appointment with the midwife that I went to for my check-ups while I was pregnant and had a check up just to see that nothing was wrong, and she said that everything looked fine - that it probably was my bodies reaction to getting the periods back.. I really hope it gets better soon cause I have never ever had period like this.. Did you guys btw know that you need to do a whole lot of Kegel exercises for your womanly parts to get back in the shape after birth? lol.. She said 3 times a day - 10 mins each time... So yeah... I have been doing them, but far from that much.. So yeah, gotta work on that too.. Anyways, getting back to my point, my period should be over by Tuesday, but I am getting on the scale tomorrow and starting from there again..

I have made this reminder with reasons why I want to do this on my cell phone and I am going to revisit it and add to the reasons every time I feel week or feel like I want to quit, or binge.. I need to learn that this should not be a diet, but a life style.. Making healthy choices, having smaller portions.. Staying active every day..

I need to be off now.. I will catch up with your blogs a little later today :) Hope you are having a great weekend!

<3

-----

My fucking moodswings are giving me a fucking whipflash... So fucking sick of it.... One minute I feel normal - another I am in tears... This can not be normal....

Anywho.. Thought I'd do a recap of what happened with the PT. The guy was one of the best I have ever went to. He actually knew what fibromyalgia was and set me up with a program to lose weight and get better upperbody strength.. I am to meet him again after our trip to Oslo.. The trip is in 2,5 weeks and I am going to meet him couple of days after we get home.. The program is going to last for 8 weeks and I will meet him again at the end of it.

He wants me to walk for 30 mins twice a day - in addition to the 3 workouts at the gym where I have a 20 mins strength program and I am to do 40 mins of cardio where 10 to 15 mins is warm up and the rest after the strength program.

To balance of my body he asked me to lay off diary and wheat as much as possible - to take additional pro-biotic pills.. He wants me to drink a whooping 3.5 liters (that is I guess around 15 cups for those living in the US)  of water a day - where half of them are to be consumed as soon as I get up with juice of half a lemon. If I am having coffee he wants me to drink 2 glasses of water for each cup! And an extra liter on the days I hit the gym...

This week has been hell and I haven't been able to hit the gym more than once - and my water intake hasn't been that well.. We have been out of and about all the time and well - that amount of water makes you f-ing pee every 5 mintues... I also have had a stomach flu which well.. Hasn't exactly been pretty...

Anywho - this week isn't going to be less busy but I am ready.. I have precooked a bunch of meals and have portioned them and have them in the freezer for the days where I don't have time to prep lunch/dinner.
I have a bunch of weightwatchers canned soup which are each around 100 calories... Some apples, bananas and some hummus and green veg for snacks.. Oh and rice cakes since I am staying off wheat. Frozen fruit and protein powder for on the go meals.. So hopefully this will get easier..

I'm off for now being all moody...

Talking to my self...

Lately I have been thinking more and more about why I am fat.. The biggest reason is of course my eating habits.. So I have been trying to understand where these habits come from so maybe I can finally get a hold of it.. 

Did you know that if a baby isn't breast-fed or given proper formula until age of 6 months the risks of that child being obese as adult is way more than a child that has had the proper feeding? 

I always thought I was breast-fed.. My mother always talks about how she had too much milk and that my gran even asked her to feed my cousin since his mom didn't have milk (don't ask).. But when she was here for the christening I was told a whole other story. So she said that apparently my grandma (my fathers mother) used to "sneak" me off and give me formula at the start and by the time I was around 4 months I was apparently given "normal" food... I was all "Why???" and she said "I didn't want to speak up to your gran"... Anywho... So I was forcefed already as a kid to be a fat kid... Which apparently is a good thing in their mind.. 

I have mentioned before that my mother married my step dad when I was around 5 years old.. I don't remember if I have mentioned about how he was bashing me about food from that age.. I was either forced to eat something I didn't like, or ordered to finish my plate or I would have the option of not being fed or get spanked.. I remember these two episode from when I was pretty young, once at my moms friends house where he tok my plate away saying that I had eating too much that day and wasn't to have dinner.. The other at my grand parents house talking to my mothers uncle, where he said that he was sick of my fat ass and that he wouldn't even bothered to look at what I put in my mouth (I was 6 or 7 then)... 

When my mother moved away and left me alone with him, I was either home alone, or being abused when he was there and I remember the only pleasure I had was to eat.. I was 10 but after over and over being told how my body looked like my mothers I guess I was trying to become her.. 

Moving to my mother didn't exactly help.. A part from everything she did she also always bullied me for being fat.. She used to tell me how no one will ever want me - and how I should be ashamed of how I look, and that there was no point of her buying me cloths cause I was too fat to fit in to anything... 

When I moved out (I have probably mentioned it before, but it was when I was 16) - things didn't go that well.. I was sleeping around, trying to convince my self that it was the thing that would prove to everyone that I mean something.. I have had a bunch of bad relationships but 3 of them really fucked me up.. 

First being the guy that mentally and emotionally abused me using his illness as the reason.. Cheating behind my back and stealing my money.. He was the reason why I started cutting.. I needed to control the pain.... 

The second was another guy who didn't want to introduce me to his friends cause I was too fat... I just want to mention that when I was dating him I was at my lowest weight.. 

The third was my last relationship before I met my husband.. The guy just didn't have any sexual interest in me.. Him living in Netherlands and me in Oslo ment that we didn't meet more than a week once a month - but even then we rarely had sex.. My selfsteem went to below zero and I still haven't gained the confidence I had before I met him... 

My husband is the most wonderful man and I do love him (even he lately bugs the hell out of me) - but he is the reason why I reached for purging again.. Him being one of those freaks that can eat for 5 and not gain didn't help... 

Things that are clear to me are: 

- I deal with any sort of emotion by eating ( According to my husband it is as it worst when I am sad and feeling low)

- I was never thought portion control

- I have to learn to control my eatings and deal with my emotions in other ways than stuffing my face

I am going to follow Emily's advice and put a calender where I will color the "box" of the day for the days I eat well. I am also going to give my self a golden star for the day I hit the gym or do some other activity for an hour of more. 

I am also going to be more aware of why I want to eat.. I think I am going to just write down my eat and actually put down the times of my eats before I put them in my mouth.. That way I should be getting a tad more control over my eats - what do you think? 

Can dreams come true?

I have this little dream.. OK so it's not that little... 

For years I have been dreaming and wishing to get in shape and take PT and nutrition classes and use my past as an extra motivation and make it all a full-time job. I have looked into the classes and costs and always been.. Well to be completely honest.. Too lazy to actually make this dream come true.. 

I do however keep going back to the dream.. Changing my career... 

I am so jealous of my cousin (the one who lives in DC)... She is a yoga instructor and a PT.. She seems to have the most wonderful job.. She is doing what she has always wanted... 

Is it too late for me to do this?? Spending the this and next year to really get in shape.. We want another baby, so maybe have that.. And then start on classes and really just go for it? 

The classes cost a whole lot.. A complete PT course, along with a proper nutrition curse along with some extra courses such as cycling or step or yoga will cost around 100000 SEK... That is I guess around 13000 USD... And since it is not supported by the schooling program, it means I would have to pay for it my self and not count on a government supported student loan.. 

Lets say I do it and I am done by the time I am 33... Is it too late for me to start working with it? 

What if I really suck at it?

Would you take the risk?? 

Gaining...

The christening and having visitors over went pretty OK.. But with all the eating out and ignoring calorie contents + no exercise but mall walking, I have gained a few pounds...

It really makes me feel like I just keep failing since I have been gaining instead of losing weight ever since I stopped breastfeeding the kid... But I am not planning on giving up.. In couple of hours I have my first PT session where the guy seems to be really good at both nutrition and working with people that have illnesses like mine.. So hopefully he will put up a proper plan for me and get me on my way..

I am also getting on track with my eating again.. Yesterday I spent a couple of hours cooking up a whole lot of food for hubby, I portioned them up and put the in the freezer. This way, all he has to do is to defrost it and cook some pasta/rice/potato to go with it - and I wont have to think about his food for like 2 weeks. I don't really mind doing it this way for a while.. We can not keep doing it always cause the kid is about to start on solid foods soon and it is important that he sees and understand proper family meal time.. But yeah, we are still a couple of months away from that.

I am going back to have my dinners pre-made from low cal and low carb producers. There is this swedish brand which focuses on it, and their meals are under 400 calories and are low carb since the carb part of the meals are wheatberries or quinoa. For lunches I'm sticking to protein shakes and low cal veggie soups from weight watchers.. Whole wheat crackers with some sort of protein on it for breakfast and full up on coffee, tea, ice-tea and snack on fruit and green veg. my calories will stick around 1100-1300 which is just in the range for me.

Anyways.. I have talked about my plans plenty of times before.. Now lets see if I can actually stick to it.. Wish me luck (I am pretty sure I will need it with the PT session coming up! )


<3

PS: How do you drag your butt out for some exercise after a looooong day of stuff happening? I seem to keep lacking the motivation.. I do manage to get in a good session when I get to the gym but getting there seems to be hell lately...

What 2000 calories look like!

This clip is insane!

(PS: I will make a proper post soon, been pretty busy cause of the christening visitors! but the last one will go home in two days so I will be back then :) )