I'm so f---ing stupid!!!!

I was reading Seeking something else's post and it was so clear... I have been so stupid.. So I mean.. I got visual impact for woman by Rusty Moore, not long after I started my blog.. To be more exact in March 2011... It means I have had it for over 2 years.. During these two years.. My weight has gone up and up and up... I have reached the most horrible sickening number.. And yes.. It is about the numbers.. None of us can say it is not...

My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..

This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..

I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..

It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...

Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...

I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...

When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?

After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..

I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...

OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...

My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..

So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...

While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..

I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.

In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..

I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3

Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!


  1. its always somehow about the numbers isn't it
    when you said that in kg, I just went like 'oh!' my uncle weighs that much. he doesn't look that bad actually
    food is fucking addictive
    yeah you deserve it you know? <3 you deserve to be treated amazingly

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I know you're in super planner I will kick this mode and most likely don't want to hear this but I love you and want you to be happy and healthy so I'm going to say it anyway.

    In my experience (read: over a decade of binging and restricting)the only thing that has worked in the long term is eating large amounts of high nutrient food (loads of fruits and veggies, whole grains, raw nuts etc).

    Kicking the things that poison me (gluten, onions, figs, caffeine etc) and filling myself with goodness instead of restricting the badness. I realised I could make myself miserable carefully portioning 200 cals of chocolate then feeling guilty for eating it or I could relax and fully enjoy a sweet juicy piece of fruit... by eating enough of the good stuff you can push out the cravings and by dealing with your emotions (seriously, talking to someone can really help) you can have a healthy relationship with food.

    I know the number is getting to you right now but you're SO much more than a number, you're a strong, kind, beautiful woman, wife and mother. I'm sorry you've had a tough road but that doesn't make you any less deserving of happiness. Please eat foods that nourish your mind, body and spirit and give yourself a break from all the guilt. You are amazing. Period. No matter if you at too much yesterday or if you ate a salad. Still amazing.

    Chin up hun, take care of yourself and those numbers will go down xxx

  3. Throw that scale out the window. You are so much more than numbers. You said it yourself in this post- everything you've gone through has made you into an amazing person. Change your lifestyle one step at a time and do it so that you feel good. The numbers will follow. Don't let them lead, it'll only make you anxious.

  4. I am an emoitional eater. Instead of dealing with my feelings I eat to block them out. It works in the moment but that is all. I have been doing this for a long time now and it has to stop. You are a very forgiving and kind person, I mean you will have your mother and sister stay with you a week, its time to take care of youself like you do others.

  5. You have been through sooooo much! You should feel good about yourself just because you overcame it all. You are a fighter. That is very admirable. You deserve to feel good about yourself and do for yourself. A weekend with the fam. Oh boy! I know you are bracing yourself for what is to come. Hope they don't drive you too crazy. I feel like I have issues with food to. I don't know that I'm an emotional eater per se but I love food and eating it makes me feel good so I'm always thinking about it and have to stop myself from eating past full. I have no idea where it all came from.

  6. <3! With you all the way Kitty, darling! You can always count on my support! xoxo

  7. I'm there with you. I have lost and re-gained the same stupid 5 or so pounds for like 2 years now. But you (we) not stupid. If losing weight were easy the entire would be a healthy weight.

    1. P.S. sorry I missed the baby pics while they were up! I bet he's cuter than cute though!