Annoyed rant....

So this whole gestational diabetes thingi has made me look more and more into the danger for diabetes type 2..  And then I remembered I have this friend from wow who has diabetes. 

So I talked to him today and he was just so w/e about it.. He said that lately he had missed to take his medication from time to time cause he forgot to eat intime to take his meds.. WTF!!!!!!!

And then I asked him if he was aware of the fact that diet changes could actually reverse the diabetes and he said "I know - but the changes doesn't suit the lifestyle I want to live" .... 

I just don't understand... Why??? How can he not see where he is going to end?? 

I know that sometimes people get fat without realizing what they are doing.. But staying fat - and keeping an illness alive cause being healthy isn't a lifestyle you want to have.... How is it even possible? 

Since I have been told that I have the gestational diabetes, I am watching every single bite I'm taking.. I am more obsessed with the numbers and values than I was before.. I have a plan for what to do when the baby is out to prevent me from getting the actual diabetes.. 

I just don't get how can he just ignore it?? 

*sigh*

Ok - rant over.. 

<3 

My sister is a whore..

And I am even not joking.. I am just so over my family.. Why should we keep trying to keep them in our lives when they only bring us sadness, stress and pain?

As if it is not enough that she sleeps with anything on two legs and is proud of it.. She added all my close friends on facebook after the wedding, and yesterday she filled her page with almost naked pictures.. I am not joking girls.. It wasn't much left to the imagination.. And she doesn't understand why I ask her to either remove the pictures or my friends from there.. Oh did I mention she isn't even 18? Ugg... Still so pissed.. I barely got 2 hours of sleep last night.. And I have made up my mind.. I am DONE... I am going to take a distance.. Really really long one.. I can not deal with it all anymore.. They have fucked me - and my life enough..

Oh and get this.. Today my mum tells me that I need to get pro help to deal with my anger issues.. OMFG.. I wouldn't have anger issues if it wasn't for them.. Jeez.. So over it.. So done!

Anywho... C'est la vie ya?

This morning when I woke up I got me a good surprise.. The scale moved again.. So it is 2.9 lbs since Monday.. I am so happy about it. I have my weekend eats fully planned - I am not going the weekend ruin this for me..

Talking about the weekend.. I hope you all have a great one.. And as weird as it might sounds... Some of you feel closer to me than my own mum and sisters have ever done.. Thank you so much <3

Rant..

I need to get this off my chest...

I have the mental war going on.. Again.. I am not sure if it ever stopped. Will it ever stop?
I have the extreme urge to B/P.. But I can't.. I am at work. I wont.. I have been good for weeks...

I am really stressed over the fact that I told my TL about me having fibromyalgia. I am scared that it will effect my raise next year...

I am stressing over everything that can go wrong with the renovation.. Hubby is putting his trust in my decisions.. Me making the place into ours.. What if it doesn't look as I think it will.. *sigh*

I want to take a break.. From my head.. My mind... My body.. The pain.. The urge..
Can one take a break from it all?


SMALL STEPS UPWARD... I don't understand how.. I just can't make it happen... I feel like it always has been a matter of do or don't.. Decisions.. Decisions.. Planning.. Planning every single step of my life.... 

My life is a planning project.. I keep planning..

Where to live.. What to eat.. What to wear.. What to feel.. How to act.. How to hide away.. How to deal with the pain.. How to control the urge.. What NOT to eat...  What to do...

Do you ever find your self fed up with making decisions all the time?? Planning everything?? Being afraid... Afraid of failing.. Or not making it happen.. Tired of being disappointed in who you are and what you do? Tired of feeling like you are not enough.. Tired of how you don't seem to be able to keep it together like others do... Tired of it all..

Sometimes I look at people.. The ones like my hubby who eat what they want.. When they want it.. They exercise when they feel like it.. And I think for my self. Can I do that? And I give my self the answer "no" ... before I am done thinking of the question..

I can't be trusted with food.. I can't be trusted... I will binge.. I will get fatter..

I wish I could though.. It would be just a bliss..

Anyways.. I might need a break from blogger too.. But I will still read and comment... And I will probably keep on the 60 day challenge cause I find it to be fun and no struggle. But we will see..

Just need to silence my head first..

*sigh*

Rant..

I was sort of frustrated this morning. I got on the scale.. Yes yes I know I shouldn't have.. And it was a 0.3 kg gain. Now I know that it could be cause I haven't had a proper BM the last couple days, or even water weight, but I felt so down and the first thing that crossed my mind was, hunger hurts but starving works.. But I mean for me it doesn't.. For me it's more, hunger hurts and then you binge heh.. But now I have had time to pull back and cool my mind off.. And I am not going to be too sad about it.

But I am cutting down more carbs- I had planned 3-4 slices of dark bread a day- that is down to 1. And I am going to cut down on the dinner carbs too. Keeping it to only veggie and protein.

I don't want to cut out fruits, that really messes up my body- I eat one/two serving of fruit a day and I really don't want to stop with that. And I guess I will wait and see what the scale says on Monday morning. I mean I have been doing ttly sucky for years- I guess I shouldn't get too much ahead of my self.

Ah well :)

Gotta work..


<3

Erm ya..

So I am ttly blocking out the eats on Friday.. I woke up on Saturday and I actually had lost some weight.. Nothing to brag about but pretty surprising when I think about how my eats had been. Sunday was dinner at the in laws- birthday dinner for hubby's brother. Cake and stuff.. Blocking that too..

I am in such a denial mode lol.. There is no end to it..

I woke up in the middle of the night and had cramps from hell... So I got my period.. 10 days ish late.. And it is killing me now. It is REALLY bad.. I have cramps.. Am bloated.. My mood is a bliss.. I have never ever been so emo.. I could swap from loughing to crying.. yup..

I am so not stepping on the scale while I have the days.. And I am also keep watching my eats and figure out what my next step is going to be..

This time I think I might keep it to my self and share it if I can actually keep the plans.

Anyways.. Tired and cranky.. So I will be off..

<3

A new day..

And I am still sick.. I never ever thought I could disgust my self so much lol.. Good thing hubby thinks I am still cute even with the huge red nose and all the other charming side effects of this horrid cold.. I have been coughing so much that my abdominal core muscles ache when I try to move.. Ah well.. C'est la vie..

I have been making a new blog today. It is going to be my recipe blog. I have also made a new page called "eats" where I will link recipes I am trying from the other blog.

I have always loved cooking.. But food has become more than an animy than a friend and I want to break the horrid circle of binging and abusing food.. I am going to try to make/try sensible dishes which will make me feel good instead of guilty for eating them.

Each recipe will also give the amount of calories, fat, carbs and protein per serving (I am using the recipe tool on myfitnesspal to figure those out).. Ofc the numbers can be different since I am using nordic products and most of you guys don't so recalculate those numbers just to be sure if you want to.

Most of the dishes will be veggie or vegan. And that is another step in the right direction for me. I am really excited about all of this :)

Oh and as I mentioned I have redid my goals yesterday, and I resetted my ticker. And I am glad to say that I am finally down 2lbs. I haven't been gaining the last weeks but I haven't been watching what I eat or how much I eat either. So this is also a good step in the right direction.

Anyway.. Wish you all a great day..

<3

Back.. Again..

I'm sorry but I am sort of too tired and too confused to post.. Germany trip was good.. Very emo.. Finally got my period again.. But being almost a week late has given me cramps from hell..
Work is insane and it will be pretty bad this week, since it is only 2 of us left.. We have a bunch of new employee's but they all just started are on their trainee program. So I am really really worn out..

This weekend was Ok with food. I didn't get to write down or count things but I didn't eat much. I didn't drink much either :S Which is probably the reason why I have the headaches and feel so dried out..

I am starting to write down and count calories again tomorrow and I will weigh in again on Friday. My period should be way couple days before then and I shouldn't be as bloated.

<3

:( Britan's fattest teen!

I came across this article.. And I really feel sorry for her. Poor girl.. I know being fat is a choice.. But this.. And then the issues with Ana..

I dunno... I really feel sorry for her :(