I need to get this off my chest...
I have the mental war going on.. Again.. I am not sure if it ever stopped. Will it ever stop?
I have the extreme urge to B/P.. But I can't.. I am at work. I wont.. I have been good for weeks...
I am really stressed over the fact that I told my TL about me having fibromyalgia. I am scared that it will effect my raise next year...
I am stressing over everything that can go wrong with the renovation.. Hubby is putting his trust in my decisions.. Me making the place into ours.. What if it doesn't look as I think it will.. *sigh*
I want to take a break.. From my head.. My mind... My body.. The pain.. The urge..
Can one take a break from it all?
SMALL STEPS UPWARD... I don't understand how.. I just can't make it happen... I feel like it always has been a matter of do or don't.. Decisions.. Decisions.. Planning.. Planning every single step of my life....
My life is a planning project.. I keep planning..
Where to live.. What to eat.. What to wear.. What to feel.. How to act.. How to hide away.. How to deal with the pain.. How to control the urge.. What NOT to eat... What to do...
Do you ever find your self fed up with making decisions all the time?? Planning everything?? Being afraid... Afraid of failing.. Or not making it happen.. Tired of being disappointed in who you are and what you do? Tired of feeling like you are not enough.. Tired of how you don't seem to be able to keep it together like others do... Tired of it all..
Sometimes I look at people.. The ones like my hubby who eat what they want.. When they want it.. They exercise when they feel like it.. And I think for my self. Can I do that? And I give my self the answer "no" ... before I am done thinking of the question..
I can't be trusted with food.. I can't be trusted... I will binge.. I will get fatter..
I wish I could though.. It would be just a bliss..
Anyways.. I might need a break from blogger too.. But I will still read and comment... And I will probably keep on the 60 day challenge cause I find it to be fun and no struggle. But we will see..
Just need to silence my head first..