Remember how I said I had registered the whole family to this new clinic? Seems like this is going to be our new doctor!!!! (Got an info thingi in the mail today) 

Is it just me or is e FREAKING HOT.... 

Not doing so well...

So I fully crashed... And it scared the shit out of me cause I was carrying my son, and everything went black, and I was so scared I would let go of him, or fall down holding him, hurting him.. After that I dropped the whole idea of not eating during the day... I rather be fat than hurting my baby...

But then again.. I don't want to, can not stay fat.. I have been thinking and actually talked about it with hubby.. I figured my options would be strict counting and planning everything, going on a VLCD diet, or do a strict low carb diet. As you guys know, I have done them all, and failed at them all.. So what are my options??? ... Counting always puts me in a trigger point.. I eat cause there is room in my budget, I do good for a few days and go on a huge binge.. VLCD diets work.. But then there is the insane mood swings, the lack of energy, headaches... And I always always stop cause I feel to sick when I am at it...
So the thing that is left is going on a strict low carb diet. I have started on it slowly today.. Thinking of what I should be eating, talking about how the diet works with my husband.. And we have talked about how we can work it into being family meals..

The idea is to make whatever I can eat, and cook some pasta/potatoes/rice or whatever on the side for hubby.. I am also finally ask to get forms to register the whole family at this new private family clinic that is a tiny walk away from our place.. And I am going to make an appointment and have a proper chat with the doctor about the diet. I am also going to have my bloodworks done, and ask to have them redone once a month just to make sure that nothing goes wrong..

I have also been reading more and more about how food and my fibromyalgia pain go hand in hand, so I am going to try to stay gluten and wheat free (properly) to see if it actually helps the pain.. So if I can lose weight, and get rid of some or even maybe all of the pain I have.. Well that would be a win win situation now wouldn't it..

Anyways... That's how things are as far as my weight goes..

There has been other things happening.. I have finally registered with a school to get on with my drivers license. I bought this intensive course pack that covers all the tests that I need to take before I can get my license.. It also includes 30 driving lessons, and to be able to have them all right after eachother I had to wait a tad.. So I will start with this one part the 20th of September, and the driving lessons start the 25th, and if everything goes as planned I will be able to apply to get my license by mid November :)

My birthday is also coming up.. It's a week from tomorrow.. My bff is coming to visit on Thursday and she will be staying with us until Sunday before she has to go back to Oslo.. I am really looking forward to having her here.. I have also asked her to baby sit so hubby and I can go out on Friday night.. It will be our first date in ages.. Even before the baby was born, I was too heavy and in too much pain for us to have any proper dates.. So I am really looking forward to it.

I also got an early birthday pressy from hubby :) I got a new laptop and so far I love it... I am not using it now since it is downloading and prepping all it's programs, but it should be ready soon and I can not wait to "play" with it.. It is a Samsung  and apart from it being a really good laptop, it's also ttly cute hehe... I got the white one, and it is truely one of the prettiest PC's I have ever owned..

Oh and we are looking into moving again.. This time we will take our time and buy a place where we can live for years to come... I am so sick of moving...

I guess this is it for now..

Wish me luck, and I hope this time around I wont disappoint you or my self...


<3

This whole avoiding to eat during the day is going well, I am down 7 lbs already!

Today I was really proud of my self, we were at the shopping mall, and I went to get a Cappucchino at my fav coffee shop.. I had been at the food court earlier to feed my son and all the smells.. Everything I was STARVING! Then while I was waiting in line to order my coffee I was infront of their huge collection of cakes, cookies, pancakes ect and I really wanted something.. However I closed my mind and thought of the number I saw only a couple of days ago.. I got my coffee and I was off! These sort of things don't normally happen with me cause I don't practice self control.

I have however noticed that both yesterday and today I have eaten WAY too much for dinner.. I am overly stuffed eventhough it has been within my calorie budget (my goal is to stay under 1000 calories).. So it is not hard to see that I need to take this to the next step.. Being from middle east my main problem is rice.. I LOVE it.. I can have it with almost everything.. But a cup of rice being 200 cals, and for me one portion of it being 1,5-2 cups means I eat too much of it..

So I have now decided to limit my rice and have it twice a week.. It would be stupid of me to plan to not have it at all cause I know I would crave it too much, and it could end up in a binge.. So twice a week.. I can do that!

I also want to use this post to thank you all for your support. Things get hard, but each of you inspire me in your own way and that makes things somehow easier.

Josie, I don't really have any medical issues ex. from my fibromyalgia.. I do however tend to get acidic stomach pains (after years and years of being wrongly medicated for my fibromyalgia my stomach is pretty fucked... I guess the b/p sessions haven't helped it either).. I don't take any meds but some painkiller when the pain is too much for me to deal with (right now I take a mix of paracetamol, and ibuprofen), and I use chewing pills for the stomach acid when it's needed... I don't really have the option of seeking a nutritionist right now, and I don't really have a proper doctor after I moved to Sweden.. I guess I should make sure to register so I have someone to talk to..

How long would you say it is "safe" for me to stay under 1000 cals without totaly fucking up my metabolism? I was thinking about maybe keep at it until I reach my second GW, which is 198lbs - and then up the cals and add some proper exercise. Right now exercising is not an option, well unless you count walking as exercise.. I do walk for 1-2 hours a days most days, and I do run/carry/play with my son a whole bunch... I just don't want to count them as exercise so I don't use it as an excuses to eat more.. What do you think about this idea?

Trigger alert!

Please do not read this post, if you might get trigged, and if you are trying to stay healthy..











Today... Well today things got even worst... After yet another failed attempt on sticking to a diet, and ofc overeating I have reached yet another high weight... Ladies.. I have hit 116kg... Or 256lbs if you like it... So fuck it...

This worked for me before...

- Skip meals as long as you can until dinner time
I mean I normally do OK during the day and eat too big of a meal at dinner time - so why eat during the day at all??? Filling up with tea, coffe, water works.. So the plan is to stick to that, and if I get REALLY hungry, I can have a piece of fruit.. And before dinner to avoid a huge binge, I will have a can of weight-watchers (112 calories) soup and or a protein shake.. Even with a huge dinner, I doubt my calories will go over 1000... And then I figured if I was to have a bad day with food it still be under my weekly calorie goal...


Now I know I can not go on like this forever... But I will keep at it as long as I can...

I even told hubby... I gave him the numbers... I told him to stay off my eating or not eating... AND I have decided that if I do not lose the weight until we have had the next baby (we want to try for another next year) after the baby is born, I will apply to get a gastric surgary... If I don't do it by then - I never will.. So this is an ultimatum... To me... I will get rid of this weight one way or another..

You know... My body aches.. My knees ache after the stroller walks I go on with my son... I seem to have a problem getting comfortable sitting... Laying down... Everything aches..

So fuck it... I have a limited time before my son will notice my eating habits.. So it is now or never..

Tomorrow it starts.. For real...

What a week...

This week has had a whole lot of ups and downs.. More downs than up I'm afraid..
As much as I was annoyed with my family being here I was glad my mum was here - cause couple of days ago my uncle who lives in Dubai (The one who walked me down the isle, which my mother doesn't normaly get along with), texted me that their older brother had died.

I want to start with saying that my mum has 3 brothers, one couple of years older than her, one couple of years younger than her, and the youngest one which is 3 years older than me. My oldest uncle he was a very very kind man. Always so loving, thinking and wanting the best for others.. And life being what it is (Specially for those living in Iran now) he ended up involved in drugs years ago, and eventhough our family has tried to get him to rehab times and times again, he never got sober.

My grandma and them are saying what happened to him was an accident (they say he fell off a bridge), but I am pretty sure he commited suicide.. He got 55 years old.. He has two kids in their mid/late teens.. The fall broke his spine, they say that he had a day in surgary, and the result was him being paralized from waist down.. A week later he died...

As much as this is breaking my heart, I think he is in a better place now. He hadn't been living for years.. He just was there.. And this horrible situation, has brought my mothers family together. I'm glad she was here when I gave her the news, cause else I don't know how she would handle it.

It really makes one think... Life can be over before you know it..




Thank you all for always being there for me.. I have said it before, I say it again... Some of you mean the world to me even though I don't know you in "real life"...

I will be back tomorrow with another post, numbers ect.. For now.. Just remember life is short.. Do something that makes you happy.. Really happy....


<3

It's been less than a day since my "family" arrived.. And I already feel like I need to stab someone....
Taking a breather in another room now...

Srsly.. FML for never fucking learn to say no when they want to come over... When will I fucking learn??