My life..

I feel like my life is such a mess right now.. Things aren't going the way I want them to and I am falling apart. I have been having mental meltdowns pretty much every night.. And the way I "deal" with things is to binge.. It makes me feel OK the moment it is happening, but the pressure, the guilt and the shame afterward makes me crash again..

My son has been sick for a couple of weeks now, it's nothing serious, it's a cold, but he has been running a fever on and off, and he has this rash that doctor called for a virus rash, and keeps coming and going.. It looks horrible, it almost looks like someone has dipped him in boiling water.. It goes away within the hour and he isn't in any pain or discomfort because of it but it really is stressing me out. He has always been a tad underweight and now since he has a cold he isn't eating much either.. Which is another stress moment. We also finally got a notice on day care - and he has been accepted to start from 1st of January.. Even though we applied for him to be given a spot when he was a couple of weeks old, we have had to call and nag the people taking care of it almost every single day.. And even with all those calls and everything he didn't get a spot in the daycare we wanted him to.. I have no idea how the place he is going to start at works.. We are going to see if we can visit them and take it from there.. but yeah.. And the whole day care thing... Well lets say it is taking it's toll on me.. Scandinavian winters are though, and they call January and February for "sick kid" months, and that is when he is going to start.. My little baby is still small and I am so worried that he will be sick until spring time..

I wish I could keep him at home until spring, but we just can not afford it. The last couple of months have been really hard on our economics.. While I have been on my leave our income has gone down .. By a lot.. And the last couple of months we have had to take a lot of money out of our saving account to actually manage to pay everything and live.. With the expenses for my driving classes we are not far from hitting our bottom line and this is not something I have had to think about or deal with in years.. When you are alone, and have money problems is stressful enough but when you have a little one to think of, house loan and car and everything else it just is too much...

On top of everything is my body.. I am trying my best not to hate it.. But really.. It is impossible.. And I know it's not it's fault, it is all on me.. but I am just soo sick and tired of all the pain, moodswings and everything.. With all the binges I have also gained back what ever I had lost with the LCHF.. And the jumping on and off the low carb high fat diet is really fucking my mood even more..

I am just fed up.. And it is affecting not only my self, but my relationship with my husband too.. I am annoyed with him like 90% of the time, and I know that it's not fair cause he is doing his best, but I am so tired and miserable so often... And well, he is there..

Right now as in today I am just going to take one day at the time.. Hoping not to be this depressed and no binge...