I think, well I kind of know there is something wrong with me..

I have always been the one that knows a whole lot of people but there are very few people that I call for friends. Those people are people that know almost everything about me. But there are only a couple of them that are aware of  my "eating issues". I'm not really that close to my family either. I just use my relationship with my mom as an exemple of what I wont ever become. Other than that its very very shallow. I have basicly been on my own since I was around 11. I am born in Iran. Never knew my dad. My mom remarried when I was around 5 to  this horrid horrid man. She moved to Norway when I was 11 and left me there with my step dad. I "lived" with him for 2,5 years befor I was able to move to Norway and be with my mom.

Those years were horrid years filled with rape and abuse and so on. I had to grow up.. Well I was never really allowed to be a kid. I was supposed to behave.. And if I didn't my step dad would make sure that I got "it".. 

When I finally got away and moved to Norway, I was pretty fucked up. I hated everything and everyone. My mom being the way she was, was letting everything be my fault. So I moved out as soon as I was 16.  

Since then  I have pretty much been on my own. I moved from my moms town to Oslo as soon as I was 18 and have been on my own pretty much since then. 

I have had a whole bunch of relationships.. One worst than the other. But ya I got through them all while I kept I have lived and learned and all that shit. Through all of this I have a really good friend with me. We have been friends for years and she knows almost everything about me.. Everything but my "eating issues" .. We have been spending less and less time since she got married and had her kid. And I havent seen her since I moved from Norway to Sweden. So it't a tad more than 4 months ago.. These months have been very triggered for me.. I have been struggelig with mia and a whole lot of moodswings. She is now comming to stay with me this weekend. She is going to come over early Saturday morning and she is staying until Tuesday morning. Gonna drop her off then at the airport on my way to work. 

I know that while she is here, we will have a whole lot of "girl time" .. Shopping and so on. And ofc there is food.. And the first thing that came to my mind was.. " Oh well, I guess I have to make sure that I get to purge if we eat too much" .. And then the first thought was "oh but how can I do that if she will be around all the time" ... *sigh* 

I mean.. I miss my bff.. I have had no girl friends around since I moved here. ( My bf and I did a long distance relationship for a while, and it didn't really work over the time, it got to become very expencive so I made the choice and moved since he has a well paid job here).. And I have been really looking forward to her comming over. I have missed her, and I have been upset about not having my friends around while I am planning the wedding. And now... I am actually a tad .. I dunno.. I just don't want to get off track only cause she is here.. How horrid isn't that.. Why can't I just nvm the shit and just have fun with her.. And not go kookoo and try finding ways to keep the intake as low as possible? 

Anyways.. I am sure for a fact that there is something wrong with me..