Motivated!

As you might have noticed I have been pretty AWOL the last few weeks. I haven't been feeling all too well - and when I learned that I was pregnant it sort of felt like my dream of getting "normal" and healthy was over.. All I could think about is the fact that I will be fatter and fatter and that was it for me..

Your comments did make me feel better.. But lets be honest, in that state of mind - it was very temporary.. I have been feeling really lost.. Who am I now? - Who will I become?

So I have been depressed.. Crying a whole lot (thanks hormones) .. You get the idea. The other day I remembered the two comment.. One from Tempest - with that amazing article.. The other from Sleepwalker, about the podcasts.. I have read the article, and been listening to the podcasts - and it has been doing wonders for my mental state.

This is a choice.. No body is forcing me to stay pregnant.. As Miranda said - I have been wanting this, and now is it.. So true.. This baby - is a blessing.. I am NOT going to become like my mum - and blame my baby for not being who I want to.. This baby is good.. This baby is the kick I need to get healthy.. To make the talk into a lifestyle.. Eating clean.. Getting enough nutrient.. Being good to my body.. Listening to it..

Then of course I started thinking about food.. What to eat, how much to eat.. The math.. You know what I mean.. And I remembered I have this old food plan from this PT - where it has two versions.. I have talked about the low cal version before in some posts I think - but now is not the time for me to under/overeat. The second part of his meal plan is for around 1800 calories. That is actually only 16 calories down from what my BMR is atm. - and as I mentioned before - the baby doesn't need that many extra calories. Jillian was talking about 300 calories a day. So my plan is to follow that 1800 calorie plan - and add a smoothie in as the snack. And then just feel free to have the extra fruit, veg when ever I feel like it. I am also allowing my self the extra cup of popcorn, or a cup of starbucks if I feel like it. And that together is enough calories for me to get the nutrients I need - and still have the extra calories for the baby - and not become an elephant by end of this pregnancy.  Anywho - I am putting calorie counting on the shelf, and I am going to start measuring everything according the the plan.

I have also been wondering about this blog, and what to do about it. And every single time I get back to the place where I know for a fact that I love it.. I love you guys, and I would hate to lose you guys and your blogs, your every day, your comments. So the blog is going to stay up - and I hope you don't get sick of my whining - and I hope you will still be there even with the baby weight ect.

Wish me luck hehe - I am sure it is needed



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Update...

Where to start..
Well I can say I am not dealing too well with the pregnancy.. I am sort of in shock - and don't really know how to react. Don't misunderstand me - I am happy... I do want to have a kid with my husband... But everything else been really hard.. First off it wasn't meant to happen now..
It came as a shock cause well we have had sex a total of 3 times since the start of this year.. And we have been using a condom.. How on earth does that make a baby?..

But the baby is a good thing.. It will be a good thing..

I am worried.. I know I shouldn't but I have been reading way too much about being overweight and pregnant.. And it worries me..

I am scared.. I do not want to become like my mum... Which btw was the only barely reacting to the news.. All she said was "oh that's great - I can't talk right now"..

I am frustrated.. I hate my family for being the way they are.. My husbands mum almost flew back from her vacation only cause I called to tell her the news.. She was over the moon.. My youngest sister.. She hasn't even sent me a PM on facebook.. Well you know FUCK THEM!!!! Family isn't what you were born to - family is the ones you decide to be...

Other than that - I am constantly tired.. I have been going to bed around 9 every day since the trip in Chamonix..

I know - this wasn't a part of my plan - but I am not going to let it stop me.. I am going to focus on eating enough and healthy during this pregnancy. I am going to focus on staying active. I was told that I should be able to limit my weight gain eating correctly.. Tracking.. I do not need to more than a "normal budget" until the last 3 months of the pregnancy - and then I only need to add 300 calories. That is what I'm going to do..

Eat enough.. Healthy.. Not overeat..

I am sorry for not being around much.. I am sort of as you might have noticed confused - and tired.. Sometimes very happy - but sort of depressed most of the time.. It might be the hormons or whatever - but I am crying ALOT.. heh..

Anywho..

Thanks for all your comments girls - it really made my heart warm..


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Oh lord..

Girls.. I think I'm very very pregnant...... I will make a proper post when we get back from this trip... I just HAD to tell someone.....

Stick to it..

If I stick to my calorie budget for one year... One year only.. I know I will be able to reach my goal and then some more.
When I think 1 year - I feel like it's way too long. I want it to go faster - and I want to see results NOW.. I know - within my self that it tok me several years to get here - it tok me years to become like this..
So one year - is the longest it might take.. IF I stick to it..

So I just wanted to drop by and say DON'T GIVE UP!! - nothing is impossible.. It might take a little longer than you wish for it to take - but it will happen ONLY if you stick to it..



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Hola..

I think I have catched up on all your blogs :) 

I got on the scale yesterday morning - and I have gained 200 grams - that is around 0.4 lbs - and I must say I am really glad cause I felt so bloated and I was scared I had gained ALOT.. So I take the 0.4 lbs with a smile.. 

Work has been insane - and I have been very tired. But I am starting to feel a tad less tired cause I have been getting more sleep. 

Since yesterday I have been trying to keep it low carb. Yesterday I messed up my dinner so I had some of hubbys so it messed it a tad up - but I don't mind. Today I did good :) and I am planning my meals for the rest of the week as we speak. 

I am going to weigh-in on Friday, before we leave for hubbys competitions. I think I will be able to get some online time while we are away, but if I don't I will be back next Monday again. 

Aaannnddd I am starting the proper traning for the 5k. I am really looking forward to it.. And I am thinking about giving my self some proper reward when I complete the run :) will see.. 

Going out for a jog now before it gets too late.. 

<3 

Chamonix..

Hi from Chamonix and the Alps.. 

This trip is making me realize more than ever how bad I feel about my self. And how out of place I feel most of the time.. 

The trip started on Thursday morning.. We were to meet by the office around 03:30 AM. We met up and a travel bus picked us up and drove us to the airport. We were all taking different flights.. Mine went from Copenhagen to Frankfurt and from there to Geneva. And then almost 1,5 hour drive to the hotel.. We arrived to the hotel around 1 PM.. Then it was lunch - work - dinner.. And I sort of crashed around 9 since I had only had 2 hours of sleep since I got up for work on Wednesday... 

Friday started early. I had team stuff for half of the day - and had to work the other half since I was one of the few not skiing.. So erm ya.. I didn't sleep much last night since the room next to mine was apparently the party central.. And they were shouting and screaming until around 3.. 

Today I am staying at the hotel until abit later. Most of my co-workers are either skiing - or taking the line thingies up to the hills. I don't deal with ledge and hight too well.. So I am sort of alone.. I am thinking about going to the Chamonix center a tad later and see if I can meet some of the guys later.. 

My eats have been horrid.. I have been good about the sweets and haven't really been eating more than a couple of bites of that but we have only been served white bread and ham or loads of pancake or fatty bacons for every meal.. It's cakes and stuff EVERYWHERE.. I have only had couple small pieces of chocolate and couple bites of the cakes - but for the rest all the white bread and such is making me REALLY bloated.. I tried to ask for wheat free options and they looked at me as if I was an alian... 

What is it with the French? They are just so rude - and really make you feel as if you are bothering them... and I mean come-on.. This is what you are doing for living - try to smile.... Tonight we have the 10 year anniversary dinner - and Tomorrow we are off.. My flight lands around 10 PM.. 

Now.. The bloat and shit on one side.. The being tired on another.. I am THE fattest female in my whole company.. And I am not saying this because I have a fucked up self image.. It is true.. To hell with it.. I am probably the fattest female in this town.. Every single girl/woman I have seen is TINY... So erm ya.. You can imagine the wonders it is doing for my mood.. So erm ya.. 

Ah well.. I am going on the running training from Monday.. 8 weeks left to the 5k by then and I am really looking forward to that.. Next weekend I am going away with hubby for one of his biggest competitions... And that means more eating out - and stuff like that.. We are leaving on Friday and I am thinking about keep my eats really clean the until then.. My body is so out of balance that it isn't even funny.. And I am dreading the scale on Monday morning.. 

Ah well... I am going to see if I can catch up on some of your blogs and then see if I can dry my hair so I look a tad human.. and then figure out what I am going to do.. 

5k...

Just signed for my first 5K! 

My job is the sponsor of the event and it is going to happen 5th of May!!! Just enough time for me to train.. 

I even got my number :D Sooo yaaay!!!! 

Food is my drug and I abuse it horribly..

I heard that on the intro for one of the "I used to be fat" episodes on MTV.. And it is so true...

@Sammy.. You are right love. My plans are always boring - always lacking something.. And your comment really made me thing.. Cause again.. You are right.. and I have been thinking about why .. And I can tell you why... It is because it is not me.. - The way I am acting - the way my mind is - it is just not me..

One of the things my doctor first told me when I was learning to deal with my fibromyalgia was that I always want too much. That I need to face the fact and stop acting like the person I wish I was - instead of the person I am.. I had to learn to stop - to understand my limitation- I had to learn that my body no longer can do everything I wanted it to do.. And I had to stop asking too much of my self.

It tok me years to learn to deal with the illness - but today I realized - I am still doing it.. This time - it's not about my work - my partying - my relationship.. This time around is my weight - and my weightloss.

I am no longer 18 - I can not keep planning - and keep failing - cause lets face it.. I have already wasted too many years of my life trying - and failing on so many things..

So dearest Sammy - Thank you for helping me open my eyes..

When I restarted this blog - I said that I wanted to become healthy.. Not long ago - I said I wanted to be smaller - not skinny mini..

So here is a new plan..

I am going to stop putting my self down - and plan things that make me fail. I am going to count my calories, but not starve my self.. I don't want to starve my self, cause I always end up in a huge binge.. I binge - I feel down about my self so I eat more..

I am not going to plan to exercise too often - too much - cause I always fail - and it makes me feel worse about my self - and when I feel worse about my self.. Well - you know the story, I binge..

I keep saying baby steps - but I keep forgetting that those are the right steps for me..

So girls - you are probably sick and tired of hearing about my "new plans" .. So I am not going to bore you with it..

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alive..

Just wanted to jump in and say that I am alive.. Been very busy at work and it is taking alot of time. I don't think I will be much around until after the trip.

Have a nice weekend ladies.


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