I don't think...

I do not think I will reach my valentine goal..
I have been on a binge ever since the thing with hubby... It has been really bad... And even though I wanted to stop yesterday- I didn't... I have today.. But I think the damage from this weekends binge is too much for me to be able to reach my goal.. I guess we will see tomorrow..

Some of you wanted to know what he said.. And I guess it is my fucked up brain that is taking what he said the way I did.. I dunno...

What happened is that I wanted us to run some errands - so we went out. Our second stop was to get a new box - w/e it's called - for tools and stuff we have home. When we were in line to pay (we were in the middle of the line - so it was a bunch of people both before and after us) - I saw that they were selling these mini packs of super glue. 4 small ones - in one pack - and I said "We should get these - they are great, so now if you only going to use it on something small - it wont dry up the whole thing".. He was like "Oh we don't need them" - and I said "I think we should" and grabbed a pack ... And then he said (and pretty loud for everyone to hear) : "Then this will your candy for today - and we wont get you anything else"

The second he said it - and saw the look on my face he said "I didn't mean it the way it sounded"...

So I  left the line and went to the car.. When he got to the car I think I yelled at him for being a fucking jerk - and how fucked up it is that he is making me feel the way he is - and how unfair it is that he is making it sound to everyone around like I keep sending him out to get me candy..
When we got inside the car - I couldn't hold it together - and I burst into tears and a rant.. Told him how fucked up I already felt walking next to him when he is skinnier than Paris Hilton - having me looking like a hippo next to him - and that he didn't need to make it sound to everyone else like I am always eating candies and shit.. And then the word vomit kind of keep going .. I told him that I already felt like fat fuck every time I pass a mirror - or every time I try to get cloths on.. Or every time I just think of my self..

Anyways.. You get the idea.. I got home.. Got out of the car - and told him not to come home for few hours, cause I needed time away from him..

And then I binged.. And purged.. First time in months.. And then the circle kind of never ended.. Yesterday too.. I b/p ed a bunch of times.. It is weird to say that I am out of practice so I couldn't get it all out?? ....

We talked last night - so I guess things are OK.. But I feel all rotten inside.. You know the freaking hate feeling you get from purging.. Ah well.. I am also very bloated.. Probably from all the salty crappy stuff I munched on all day... And cause my body feels completely out of balance..

I am staying off food all day.. Tonight I think I will just have some veg. No salt.. Hopefully tomorrow the number on the scale wont make me want to die any more than usual...



  1. I'm so sorry! I still don't understand why he would mention candy when you were talking about buying glue...but maybe that's part of what was so upsetting. He just blurted that out. Hope the numbers aren't too bad. And no more purging hon-don't get back to that.

  2. I'm sorry to hear that this happened. Hope things start improving.


  3. hey Kitty darling!

    I'm sorry about the b/p. Please don't let it set you back, ok? Just get back on the plan you've been on and stay focused on being healthy. I really really hope you still reach your goal, but even if it doesn't happen, just focus on the next goal!

    Sorry about hubby, men really do need to think before they speak, but I'm glad you talked it over with him and hopefully something like that won't happen again.

    <3 <3 <3 and happy valentine's day!

  4. "roses are red,
    violets are blue,
    Cupid, i hate your husband,
    but i love you." <3

    binges suck, but babe, you've still lost so much and don't let that number get you down, alright? <3
    oh my God.
    what the hell did he fucking...
    fucking fucking bastard.
    oh, baby, but you're trying so hard...
    oh baby.
    i just hope you feel better, alright? we all have our ups and downs, and you've been going on this for so long. you've been doing well. don't let this b/p get you down. don't let him get you down.

    you will prove him wrong and that's that.
    -Sam Lupin

  5. aw damn girl bad weekend. you got this.