I don't think...

I do not think I will reach my valentine goal..
I have been on a binge ever since the thing with hubby... It has been really bad... And even though I wanted to stop yesterday- I didn't... I have today.. But I think the damage from this weekends binge is too much for me to be able to reach my goal.. I guess we will see tomorrow..

Some of you wanted to know what he said.. And I guess it is my fucked up brain that is taking what he said the way I did.. I dunno...

What happened is that I wanted us to run some errands - so we went out. Our second stop was to get a new box - w/e it's called - for tools and stuff we have home. When we were in line to pay (we were in the middle of the line - so it was a bunch of people both before and after us) - I saw that they were selling these mini packs of super glue. 4 small ones - in one pack - and I said "We should get these - they are great, so now if you only going to use it on something small - it wont dry up the whole thing".. He was like "Oh we don't need them" - and I said "I think we should" and grabbed a pack ... And then he said (and pretty loud for everyone to hear) : "Then this will your candy for today - and we wont get you anything else"


The second he said it - and saw the look on my face he said "I didn't mean it the way it sounded"...

So I  left the line and went to the car.. When he got to the car I think I yelled at him for being a fucking jerk - and how fucked up it is that he is making me feel the way he is - and how unfair it is that he is making it sound to everyone around like I keep sending him out to get me candy..
When we got inside the car - I couldn't hold it together - and I burst into tears and a rant.. Told him how fucked up I already felt walking next to him when he is skinnier than Paris Hilton - having me looking like a hippo next to him - and that he didn't need to make it sound to everyone else like I am always eating candies and shit.. And then the word vomit kind of keep going .. I told him that I already felt like fat fuck every time I pass a mirror - or every time I try to get cloths on.. Or every time I just think of my self..

Anyways.. You get the idea.. I got home.. Got out of the car - and told him not to come home for few hours, cause I needed time away from him..

And then I binged.. And purged.. First time in months.. And then the circle kind of never ended.. Yesterday too.. I b/p ed a bunch of times.. It is weird to say that I am out of practice so I couldn't get it all out?? ....

We talked last night - so I guess things are OK.. But I feel all rotten inside.. You know the freaking hate feeling you get from purging.. Ah well.. I am also very bloated.. Probably from all the salty crappy stuff I munched on all day... And cause my body feels completely out of balance..

I am staying off food all day.. Tonight I think I will just have some veg. No salt.. Hopefully tomorrow the number on the scale wont make me want to die any more than usual...

<3